Disenchanted

Frank woke up sick. He knew as soon as he woke up to his alarm screaming at him. The scratching feeling in his chest was all too familiar. He probably shouldn't have left his window open all night but then again, there was nothing he could do about it now. Groaning, Frank pushed himself to the edge of his bed and sat up, smashing his hand against his alarm to stop it shrieking at him. The alarm told him it was 8:00 AM and time to get ready for school. He dragged himself out of his bed to shut the window, the cold air against his bare chest making him shiver. The sudden movement earned him an onset of hacking coughs. His head felt heavy and his nose was blocked. School could wait. Frank collapsed back into his bed and curled against the wall, urging himself fall asleep again. Knowing his mom had already left for work and there was no one there to force up to go to school, he was determined to take full advantage of that fact.

He awoke several hours later feeling much the same, although the guilt of skipping school had started to hit. No matter how many classes Frank had missed, the guilty feelings and anxiety never subsided. This time his alarm clock told him it was past noon. Frank pushed himself to get out of bed, knowing he'd hate himself even more if he stayed there all day with nothing to think about but how unbearable he felt his life had become. He walked into the bathroom he shared with his mother, Mama trotting after him, and began to brush his teeth whilst surveying his face in the mirror above the sink. He looked awful and he knew it. His black hair stuck up at awkward angles from his distressed sleep and his face looked gaunt and sickly. The bags under his eyes were black and purple and seemed more prominent than ever. Turning away from the mirror and carelessly tossing his toothbrush onto the windowsill, Frank turned the water in the shower to a scalding hot and slipped under the water and sighed. He washed quickly, hissing slightly when the boiling water hit his arms; the skin split from last night’s frustration. He washed his hair and then just stood for a few minutes under the stream of the water, enjoying the feel of the water cascading over his body and beginning to feel slightly more relaxed. After a few more minutes he turned off the shower and wrapped a warm towel around himself. Once he re-entered his room he changed into a new pair of boxers and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a new jumper on over his old black t shirt. He wandered back into the bathroom, rubbing at his wet hair half-halfheartedly with the towel before throwing it on top of the shower door and making his way down to the kitchen.

He made a beeline for the coffee pot and filled it up, aimlessly walking around the small kitchen and checking his phone until it was ready. After several cups, accompanied by several pills to quieten his banging headache and put a stop to his blocked nose, Frank walked to the living room and flopped down on the couch, too exhausted to do much else but to just lie there and close his eyes. Mama jumped up beside him and snuggled down at his feet, quickly falling asleep, pushing against his feet whilst she dreamt. Smiling at his dog, Frank flicked on the tv and left it on at a low volume, not concentrating on a particular programme but preferring the low buzz of whatever channel the tv was switched to over the silence of the empty house. Frank passed a few hours on the couch resting his head on the armrest and staring at the ceiling whilst not thinking about anything in particular. He had only been awake for a few hours and he was bored with today already. Bored with his life in general. After a while Frank knocked the tv off and sloped off to his room. Switching on his iPod, he rammed his earphones into his ears and began to play Misfits. He lent over his bed and dug his school bag out from under his bed, deciding he couldn’t let the day pass without at least attempting some work. Damn his guilty conscience.

Twenty minutes later, Frank was sat chewing his pen with books scattered over his bed, a puzzled look covering his face. "Fuck sake," he muttered, shoving his books onto the floor and resting his head in his hands, frustrated. His headache didn't look like it was going to subside any time soon, and even sitting down he felt dizzy. He couldn't concentrate; the words and numbers on the pages swimming before him. He couldn’t do it. Frank felt the familiar feeling of hopelessness and guilt wash over him as he realised he wasn't going to get anything done that night.

He lifted his heavy head and glanced around his room, his eyes falling on Pansy, his guitar, and causing a new wave of guilt to wash over him. He couldn't remember the last time he had played her. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he had done anything he used to enjoy. He hadn’t read or played guitar or hung out with his friends or spent time with his mom or walked Mama or listened to music, really listened to it in months. He hadn’t done anything but sit in bed and stare at the wall, occasionally attacking his arms to punish himself for being such a disappointment. He had no energy to do the things he had once loved. His life was pointless and he was wasting it away one day at a time, not even caring that his life was falling to pieces in front of him. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was 6:00PM. School had long since let out and his mom wouldn’t be home for another hour or so, and that was only if she wasn't made to work an extra shift. He had plenty of time. Frank dragged his forearm across his face to get rid of a few stray tears and grabbed his car keys off his night stand. He walked down the stairs, as Mama rang down with him, and tripping over her on the way out. Looking at her puzzled face and reassuring her Linda would be home soon, he locked the door and made his way over to his car, ignoring her yelps from inside. He knew exactly where he was going.

He drove in silence to the parking lot in the center of Belleville. It was already dark out and bitterly cold but Frank hardly noticed. He was focused on where he was going and nothing else even registered. He was determined to get where he wanted to go and nothing would get in his way, least of all the cold weather. Soon he reached the parking lot he so often thought about and instantly he felt relief. Tonight was the night. It would all be over soon. The familiarity of the parking lot caused his nerves to lessen and he calmed down, letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding, and breathing in the cold night air for the first time. He had learnt to drive a year or so ago in this very parking lot under his mother’s guidance. It seemed like a lifetime ago now. So much had happened since then, so much pain and hurt and bullshit, a never ending cycle that seemed like it would never stop repeating. The thought made Frank sick. He had waited too long for it to get better, but his faith had run out a long time ago. Enough was enough. He had waited far too long for this moment.

As he circled the parking lot a few times to ease his nerves, he thought about all the times he had been here before and the states he had been in. He could have ended it a thousand times over by now, should have done it on those horrible, unbearable nights. Instead he had tried to snap out of it, and gone home, telling himself it'd all be better tomorrow. It never was. He always found himself at the parking lot night after night. There would be no more of that any longer. There was absolutely no point in holding on any longer. When his hands had stopped shaking, Frank finally put his car into park against one of the parking lot walls. He wanted to be calm before he did this; he wanted to make sure he got it right.

Frank wound the windows of the car down and breathed in the sharp bitterness of the evening air whilst lighting up another cigarette and inhaling deeply. He laughed bitterly to himself as he reminisced, realising just how many times he had been in this position before. However, this night would be different. He would make sure of that. As soon as he had finished the cigarette, Frank threw it out of the open window and pulled the car into drive, swallowing hard before driving his car as fast as he could into the brick wall.

"It’s now or never."

Notes

Please comment, rate or subscribe if you're enjoying this so far :)