Disenchanted

Gerard sat in the waiting room with his head in his hands, still unable to stop crying. Frank had been taken away from him as soon as they had arrived at the hospital and he was aching from the loss of him. Although he had begged to stay with him, he hadn't been allowed and some weird looks had also been thrown at him in the process. Maybe they had assumed that the reason that Gerard was so torn up over Frank’s suicide attempt was the fact that it had happened in his office. Yet the sight of Gerard crying over his seventeen year old patient and acting like he couldn’t bear to be parted from him, had still raised some eyebrows. Gerard was just thankful that no one knew the real reason why he was so heartbroken over the idea of losing Frank once again. He had desperately tried to rein in his emotions, yet he was unable to. He sat in the waiting room, shaking and choking out sobs, the image of Frank slumped against his bathroom wall with his wrists slit, whirling around his brain. The kind paramedic, Sarah, had sat with him for a while, bringing him cups of tea for shock and trying to rub his back soothingly. It had helped slightly but within half an hour she was called out to another emergency. Gerard had watched her through a window in the waiting room as she jumped into the waiting ambulance. He had wished he could go with her; anything to get away from the hospital and the image of Frank haunting him, knowing he was just meters away in a room Gerard wasn’t allowed in to, maybe dying.

He had managed to pull himself together long enough to call Frank’s mother. She had told him she was on her way and Gerard was now just waiting for her to arrive, biting his nails and trying, very unsuccessfully, to stop crying. He didn’t know what he would say to her when she arrived but he needed someone beside him who was going through the same thing as he was. He needed someone who understood him; who felt the same gnawing feeling in his heart. Gerard wanted to see her, yet the idea of facing her, also terrified him. He was sure Linda would blame him for her son trying to kill himself yet again and he didn’t blame her at all, in fact he felt the exact same way. This entire thing was his fault. After all, Frank had tried to kill himself three times in the space of a few months, two of his attempts had been whilst he was seeing Gerard, and one was even in Gerard’s company. Gerard just couldn’t help but think that this entire thing was his fault. He was poisonous to Frank. Gerard was shocked at just how exhausted Linda had sounded on the phone. She was upset yet she barely sounded surprised anymore, as if she was just waiting for the next time Frank would try to kill himself. That made Gerard feel like the worst person in the world. Linda had trusted him to make Frank feel better and he had let her down so badly. He couldn't stand the guilt he felt and although he knew that this wasn't entirely his fault, he just wanted to get down on his knees and beg for Linda's forgiveness repeatedly.

Gerard knew that the police officers he had made a deal with would now reinforce their command that Frank would be sent to Bellville psych ward. However he was terrified of how Frank would deal with being taken from his mother and forced to live by someone else's rules. He would hate it, Gerard knew that. That was part of the reason Gerard had fought for Frank to stay out of that place after the whole train tracks incident. Yet there was nothing Gerard could do to prevent it this time, after all he couldn't dispute the law, and he had already pushed his luck defending Frank the first time. However he could bet that no one would have expected Frank to attempt to take his life a mere week after he had attempted to take it last time. Gerard was sure people were shaking their heads, feeling sorry for Frank for having such a useless psychiatrist as Gerard. Gerard knew he was good at his job and he had been making good progress with Frank in the few weeks leading up to today. Gerard also knew Frank was severely depressed and the first two times he had tried to kill himself were a result of this and were not his fault. Sadly, he also knew that the news of his relationship with Lindsey was what had pushed Frank over the edge this time. He wished it wasn't true but it was and there was nothing Gerard could do to hide from it. He felt terrible. Frank had put his trust in Gerard and he had just abused it; creating even more problems from Frank than he'd had before. However, no matter how many problems Gerard had caused for Frank, none of them were intentional. He was caught in a web between right and wrong; between his feelings for Frank and his need to be there for his pregnant fiancée and his unborn baby. However, no matter whether it was right or wrong, he really, really liked Frank. It was pretty undeniable and the thought of being separated from him as he was left to rot in a psych ward made Gerard’s heart wrench. He didn’t think he could bear being separated from Frank, yet in the back of his mind he wondered if maybe this was what Frank needed the most right now. Maybe being away from Gerard and all the problems he brought could help Frank focus on getting better. However Gerard hoped that being cut off from his support system wouldn’t make things even worse for Frank. He was terrified about being separated from Frank and also of how Frank would take the news. The only thing Gerard could take comfort in was the fact that he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself whilst he’d be in the hospital. He’d be safe and that was all that Gerard could hope for at that time. If he made it that was. The thought made Gerard's blood run cold. He couldn't imagine a life without Frank. He desperately tried to push the horrible thought away, yet it was firmly imprinted in his mind. The fact that he couldn't do anything to help Frank terrified Gerard. He felt totally helpless and was desperate for some news yet at the same time he would happily stay in the waiting room forever, not knowing if Frank was alive or dead. That way it would be a sort of Schrödinger's Cat situation and his heart would be protected; it would never fully break in two.

Linda arrived shortly after Gerard rang her. She flopped into a chair beside Gerard and leant her head against the wall, closing her eyes. Her face was drawn and pale, much thinner than Gerard remembered. The bags under her eyes were purple and her hands were shaking slightly. ‘He-‘ Gerard began to speak but Linda held up her hand without opening her eyes. ‘I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear what he did. I just want this whole nightmare to end.’ She said softly but firmly, her voice slightly quivering as a tear dripped down her face. Gerard nodded even though her eyes were still shut, and leant his own head against the wall, his eyes fixed on the flickering lights hanging from the ceilings.

That was how Frank’s doctor had found them an hour or so later as he held his clipboard tightly against his chest. He cleared his throat and Gerard and Linda turned to look at him, their hands finding each other and grasping together tightly. They sat up straighter and held their breath, terrified at what would be said about Frank’s condition. Yet the few little words spoken by the doctor seemed like the six most heavenly sounds in the English language in that moment. ‘Frank is going to be alright.’
Frank’s doctor spoke to his mother aside for a few minutes whilst Gerard stayed sitting. He was desperate to know more details about Frank’s condition yet, he was still extremely content that Frank was safe, that he was going to be alright, and that he was alive. Gerard knew it’d be a hard road from then on, but at this stage he really didn’t care. He didn’t care what he would have to go through to make Frank happier and to make him see that life was worth living. He didn’t care if it took forever and a day; he’d stay with Frank, he’d be there for him every step of the way. Gerard didn’t even know if Frank would even want to speak to him anymore after he had admitted to being with Lindsey, and he definitely knew he wouldn’t be able to be Frank’s doctor anymore once he was moved to the psych ward, yet that didn’t faze him at all. He had become so enamoured with the younger boy in the past few months that Gerard was pretty sure he would walk on hot coals to make Frank feel better for even a fraction of a second.

Looking back on the past few weeks, Gerard couldn’t believe that he had thought for a second that staying with both Lindsey and Frank would be a good idea. Gerard knew that that would be something he would regret for the rest of his life, especially considering his actions were what had landed Frank in the hospital. But now it seemed as though his mind was clearer than ever before. It was Frank that Gerard wanted to be with. He wanted to be with him; be the one to hold him in the middle of the night when his demons were whispering their poisonous thoughts into his mind, be the one Frank could come home to after school, and eventually after work. He wanted Frank to be the one he went on dates with, and watched crappy tv shows with, cuddling on the couch and kissing during the commercials. The idea of being cut off from his baby by Lindsey terrified him and at this stage he really didn’t know how he would admit to her that he wanted to be with someone else, yet he knew that this time he needed to do it. The fact that Lindsey was pregnant couldn’t change everything. Gerard needed to be there for Frank; he was so broken and he needed someone to help put him back together. Gerard had promised to be that person, and the idea that that would end had made Frank want to die all over again. Frank was so fragile but Gerard didn’t want that for him anymore. He wanted to be Frank’s and take care of him until he was happier. He just hoped that Frank would let him do that, and would not abandon him after the horrible things Gerard had done to him. He wanted this to work and he really hoped, above anything, that Frank was willing.

Gerard was staring into space while this all ran through his mind, however he was snapped out of his thoughts when Linda sat back down beside him and spoke his name softly. ‘Gerard?’ He turned around to face her. ‘Huh? Oh sorry, Linda, I was just thinking about Frank…’ Linda nodded and placed her hand on Gerard’s arm. ‘I’ve just been speaking to Frank’s doctor.’ Gerard nodded as he already knew this. ‘What did he say?’ he asked urgently. ‘He said Frank lost a lot of blood, almost too much. He almost didn’t make it.’ She said sadly. Gerard felt himself shiver at the thought of Frank not making it. ‘Oh god, Linda, I’m so sorry,’ said Gerard sadly. Linda waved her hand away to dismiss Gerard’s sympathy. ‘It doesn’t matter, what matters now is that he’s safe. He’s alive, that’s all I care about.’ Gerard nodded. ‘But remember the deal we made Gerard?’ He nodded again. ‘Well its happening. As soon as Frank’s okay they’re going to move him upstairs to the psych ward.' She sighed frustratedly. 'I don’t know what to do, Gerard. I can’t deal with this any longer. I’ve been going through this whole thing since Frank was fifteen. I can’t do it any longer. I don’t think I could handle it. I’m going to go see Frank now, he’s still asleep, and afterwards I’m going to go bring him some clothes from home. But then that’s it. I can’t see him like this anymore, I really can’t.’

‘What are you saying, Linda?’ asked Gerard, horrified at what she was insinuating. Linda looked at Gerard pointedly. ‘I’m saying I can’t see Frank until he’s better. It sounds awful, I know, but you can’t understand until you've seen someone you love more than anything in the entire world, trying to kill themselves over and over again. It breaks your heart every single day. If I see him start to get better and then fall apart after a few months yet again, I don’t think I could handle it. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen Frank like this. I love him more than anything in the entire world, but he’s never going to be okay, he’s too far gone for that.’ Gerard stared at Linda whose eyes had welled up with tears. He felt enraged. ‘So you’re just going to leave him when he needs you most?! What is wrong with you?!’ he yelled. ‘I’m sorry Gerard.' She said softly. 'There’s just only so much one can take.'

Linda got up from her seat and walked down the hallway. ‘I’m going to say goodbye to Frank.’ Gerard sat stunned in his seat for a minute or so before he leapt up from his seat and followed Linda down the hall.

He stopped walking when he saw Frank’s room and looked into his room through the small window. He saw Frank unconscious in bed with his wrists bandaged tightly and his mother sobbing at his side. Gerard felt like he was intruding so he turned away and walked down the hall back to his seat, feeling embarrassed and guilty. Frank’s mom came up to Gerard after about twenty minutes. Her eyes were red from crying as she walked up to him. ‘You can go see Frank now. I’m going to bring him some clothes and his toothbrush and things; I’ll leave them with you.’ Gerard nodded and she turned on her heel and walked down the pristine hallway away from her son.


Gerard got to his feet shakily and walked to Frank’s room. He lowered himself softly onto Frank’s bed, not wanting to wake up the sleeping teen. He took hold of one of Frank’s hands, remembering to be careful of the bandages and stroked the back of his hand with his thumb. ‘I’m so sorry Frankie,’ he whispered to the sleeping teen. ‘I really am. It’s going to be okay though, I promise you that. I know you probably hate me right now, but I want you to know something - I love you Frank, I love you so much. I’m sorry it took so long for me to realise it but I’m never, ever going to be so blind and stupid again.' Gerard leant forward and kissed Frank's cheek softly before sitting back and admiring the sleeping boy in front of him. 'I love you Franks, I really, really do.'

Notes

Hi yes hello I'm sorry this took so long to write, endless apolgies. I'm also sorry that this isn't very good but I kind of forced myself to write. Again, I'm sorry.I won't be on tomorrow because I'm going out with my friends so happy St. Patrick's Day for then! :)