Disenchanted

It was Monday and Gerard was sitting in his office writing notes for his files. Although his pen was on the paper, he wasn’t concentrating on his work; instead he trusted his brain to relay what he was trying to say onto paper whilst his mind was elsewhere. Gerard was waiting for Lindsey to come to his office during their shared lunch hour so they could eat together and talk. Gerard usually enjoyed this time with his fiancée as it gave him a break from writing notes between each appointment. Yet today he was dreading it. He had been tearing his hair out over the whole Lindsey/Frank situation for the past few days and today he had finally come to a decision. He wanted to be with Frank. For once he was going to ignore his mind and go with his heart. His heart told him he wanted to be with Frank and he agreed. He wasn’t sure in the past but now it was clear to him. He liked Lindsey, she was a great person and they had enjoyed an amazing relationship, yet as Frank came into his life Gerard’s feelings for Lindsey had lessened and drained away.

Gerard was sure that Lindsey had become aware of the fact he didn’t feel as strongly towards to her as he had done before, as he had been treating her differently without even realising it. He was reluctant to be intimate with her and he wanted space from her the majority of the time, as opposed to how he had wanted to be with her 24/7 at the start of the relationship. Gerard knew he was hurting her through his actions and it needed to stop, for his sake as well as hers. He was lucky neither Frank nor Lindsey had caught him with the other and he decided to quit while he was ahead. He couldn’t string Lindsey along any longer. He had to end their relationship. Gerard knew she’d take it hard and he himself would be upset too, yet it was unfair to carry on like this any further, stringing her along and hurting her in the process. Someone would have to move out of the flat they shared and they would have to divide their shared belongings. He was sure their friends would probably end up taking sides too; although they would all most likely take Lindsey’s side as she would be seen as the innocent victim whilst Gerard was the horrible guy who broke the supposed love of his life’s heart for no apparent reason. It was almost like going through a mini divorce, yet Gerard knew it would be better for them all.

Their relationship couldn’t go anywhere if Gerard was in love with someone else. As soon as Gerard ended things with Lindsey, he would be free to be with Frank. Although there would still be the problem of Frank’s age and Gerard’s position, at least there would be one less hurdle to get over in their relationship. Maybe Lindsey would find someone new as well and she would secretly thank him for breaking things off in years to come? Okay, maybe that was a bit overly optimistic, but still. These things happen. He’d hurt Lindsey but she’d get over it eventually, he knew she would. Gerard wanted to mourn the end of a relationship he had been in for so long, yet the thought of being with Frank overpowered those feelings. He knew he sounded like an awful person but at that moment, Gerard didn’t care. He just wanted Lindsey to arrive so he could end things with her and leave him to be free with Frank.

Yet as Lindsey arrived in his office that afternoon, Gerard didn’t have chance to say a word. Lindsey burst into his office, her dark hair wild and free from the wind. Her cheeks were flushed as if she had just run all the way to Gerard’s office. The fact that she was slightly out of breath suggested she had. There was a sense of urgency about her, but the huge smile plastered on to her face told Gerard she had good news. Gerard stood up to go to her but he didn’t get too far as she came running over to him instead, wrapping him in a hug that was so forceful it almost knocked the wind out of him. Gerard wrapped his arms around Lindsey but she was quickly out of his embrace and holding him at arm’s length excitedly. ‘What?’ asked Gerard, eager to hear the news that had gotten her so excited. All thoughts of ending things with Frank had been temporarily pushed aside. Lindsey laughed happily and fumbled with the buttons of her coat, trying to undo the buttons to her pockets but failing because of the combination of the cold weather she had just come in from and her excitement. ‘I noticed recently I was feeling kinda sick for no reason and I’m a few days late so I went to the drugstore earlier and…Oh, Gee, I’m so happy!’ ‘Why?’ Gerard asked urgently, although he was pretty sure what she was going to say already. Lindsey finally undid her coat pocket and thrust her hand inside. A few seconds later she pulled out a white object. ‘I’m pregnant!’ she cried excitedly, her eyes welling up with happiness and thrust the pregnancy test into Gerard’s hand. She laughed happily again and thrust herself into Gerard’s arms, squeezing him tightly and burying her face into his neck. ‘I know we’re young but it’s not like teenagers or anything and we’ve been together for like two years now anyway so it’s not like this wasn’t going to happen someday. We already have a place as well; it’s perfect!’ Gerard tuned out Lindsey's voice as she babbled on excitedly and stared at the pregnancy test in his hands over Lindsey’s shoulder. He squeezed her back, hugging her hard as few tears of happiness streamed down his face; all thoughts of Frank temporarily forgotten.

Gerard was still struggling to digest this information when Lindsey realised their lunch hour was nearly over. She got up hurriedly and gathered her things, both of them having forgotten to eat anything at all. They had spent the entire lunch hour talking excitedly about their new baby and how amazing it would be to have a child. Lindsey knew if she didn’t hurry she would be late back for work so she walked to the door and opened it, stepping out into the waiting room before turning back around to face Gerard. She fixed Gerard with a large smile and grabbed his hands, holding them with her own. She kissed Gerard on the lips and smiled into the kiss and she felt him kiss back. ‘I better go then…I’ll see you tonight, okay?’ Gerard fixed Lindsey with a smile of his own and nodded. ‘Okay, Lindsey.’ She leant forward and wrapped her arms around his, happy to feel his own arms squeezing her tightly, her hair under his nose. Lindsey finally pulled away and smiled at Gerard. ‘Bye then, Gee. Love you.’ ‘Bye Linds, see you tonight. Love you too.’ Lindsey leaned in for another kiss then waggled her fingers to say goodbye as she sauntered out of the room. Gerard smiled happily, watching his fiancée disappear around the corner.

Once again, his mind turned towards Frank. His mind had been temporarily focused entirely on Lindsey and the news of the baby but now she had gone he had more room to think and his once calm mind was in turmoil again. The news of the baby was amazing but it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Gerard had been all set to break up with Lindsey but now with the news of the baby it would almost be impossible. For one it was the wrong thing to do, but on the other hand if he broke up with Lindsey now she might never let him see the baby, purely out of spite. Gerard didn’t know if he could handle that. Gerard wished he could just go home and think about this on his own for a few hours instead of having to endure the rest of his appointments. Yet he knew if he went home he would just overthink and that couldn't possibly lead to anything good. Besides, his next appointment was with Frank and Gerard didn’t feel as though he could go without seeing him. No matter how depressing their talks could get, Gerard always felt happier after seeing Frank. Gerard slipped out of his mini trance and looked around the room; realising Frank should be arriving any minute. He almost jumped out of his skin when his eyes rested on Frank who was sitting down in a nearby chair, looking murderous, his hands gripping his headphones so tightly that his knuckles were white. Gerard realised with a sinking feeling in his stomach that Frank had seen everything. Fuck.

Gerard walked towards Frank slowly, wishing the ground could swallow him up so he didn’t have to deal with Frank’s reaction to seeing him kiss Lindsey. ‘Frank, I-‘ Frank shot up from the chair and backed away from him, fixing him with an angry glare. ‘What the fuck was that? Or more like who the fuck was that?’ ‘That was uh, that was Lindsey.’ Gerard stammered his face flushing. ‘Oh yeah? And why the hell were you kissing her when you’re supposed to be with me, Gee?’ Frank shouted, furiously wiping his watery eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie, not wanting Gerard to know he had made him cry. ‘Frankie, I-‘ ‘Don’t call me that! You lost the right to call me my nickname when you kissed another woman. What the fuck, Gerard? What are you doing?’ ‘Frank, I’m sorry! Please, just come into my office so we can talk about this. If you don’t stop shouting someone’s going to come up here and check on us. Seeing you shouting at me like this won’t look good at all, in fact it’ll look awful.’ Gerard said desperately trying to reason with Frank. Frank laughed bitterly. ‘Oh, I see how it is. You don’t want anyone to come up here so I’ll tell them your dirty little secret; is that it?’ Gerard wanted to scream in frustration. ‘Fuck Frank, no! I just don’t want someone coming up here and seeing you shouting at me, thinking you’re getting violent or dangerous or something. It’ll cause more trouble than it’s worth.’ ‘Yeah, well that someone won’t know you deserve to be shouted at, asshole!’ said Frank, however he begrudgingly walked into the office, knowing Gerard was right no matter how much he didn’t want to admit it.

As soon as Gerard had walked into the office after him and closed the door, Frank fixed him with an icy glare. ‘Alright, we’re in your office. Now tell me. Who the fuck was that?’ ‘That was Lind-‘ ‘Lindsey, yeah I got that. But the real question here is, why the fuck were you kissing her?’ Gerard sank into his desk chair and rested his head in his hands. When he looked back up at Frank again his eyes were red and he was ready to cry. He was going to lose Frank, he knew it. The only thing for it was to tell the truth and beg for Frank’s forgiveness. ‘She’s…She’s my fiancée Frank.’ The office was so silent that Gerard had no doubt that if a pin was dropped in that instant it would sound as loud as an earthquake. Gerard stared at Frank as his face began to pale. Then he began to laugh bitterly. ‘Ha, okay. And here’s me thinking she was just your girlfriend or something. But no, she’s your fiancée! Well that’s great, I’m happy for you guys. Congrat-u-fucking-lations Gerard!’ Frank began to laugh hysterically as he paced the office back and forth. ‘How long have you been together?’ ‘Frank, I really don’t think-‘ ‘How long Gerard?!’ Gerard sighed. We’ve only been engaged for a few months but we’ve been together for about two years.’ Frank laughed again. ‘Oh really? Next you’ll be telling me she’s fucking pregnant or something.’ Gerard said nothing, looking ashamed. He couldn’t believe this was happening, especially as he had been so close to breaking things off with Lindsey. He thought it would be Lindsey he’d end up hurting, not Frank. He couldn’t stand to see Frank in front of him looking so angry, yet looking like he was about to cry at the same time. Frank shook his head. ‘I can’t believe this. This is just too fucking perfect. I just- I can’t. I can’t do this anymore Gee. This is just too much.’

‘Frank, I was about to break up with her, I swear!’ Frank stopped pacing and whipped around to face Gerard. ‘Don’t fucking lie to me!! Just fucking don’t, okay?!’ Gerard began to cry, a few tears silently dripped down his face as he let his pent up frustration out. ‘You’ve already hurt me so much Gerard, just please let me have a bit of dignity. Don’t lie to me.’ Frank choked out, crying himself now. ‘The worst part is, I really thought you were different. I really liked you Gerard. If even you are lying to me then what’s the point? What’s the point of trying or living or anything? What’s the point of it all?’ Gerard cried harder. ‘Please Frankie. I’m not lying. I want to be with you, I swear!’ Frank shook his head and pointed his finger at Gerard. ‘Don’t lie to me!’ He stopped pacing the floor and stood still mumbling to himself. ‘I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it.’ Suddenly a look of determination crossed Frank’s face as he pushed past Gerard and walked into Gerard’s small bathroom, slamming the door after him. Once inside he began to breathe heavily, panicking even more. He just couldn’t believe what had happened. If Gerard, someone he trusted and cared for above all else, someone he truly liked, could do something as awful to this to him, what was the point of life anymore? The world was a horrible, cruel place and right now it disgusted him, Gerard disgusted him, he disgusted himself.

Before Frank could change his mind he dug deep into his pocket and quickly found what he was looking for: the small razorblade he had found stashed in his pocket earlier. He sank down onto the cold bathroom floor and rested his head against the wall as he cut vertically into each of his wrists, hoping he'd cut deep enough so he wouldn't wake up in the morning. He knew another suicide attempt meant he would be sent away, but at that point he didn’t care; he wanted to be numb for a few hours no matter what it took. He hoped he wouldn't be saved this time. There was no air bag to block his head from smashing into the steering wheel, no seat belt to stop him from going through the windscreen, no stranger to pull him back from the train tracks. It was just him and a bathroom and a blade. It was up to him to cut deep enough and end it all. Failing this was the worse thing he could do. He never wanted to leave the safety of the bathroom and re-enter the real world where he could hear Gerard shouting out to him and banging against the locked door. Frank winced at pain of his severed wrists yet he felt nothing but relief as he watched his blood flowing rapidly out of his wrists. He leant his head against the door and closed his eyes, waiting until he was weak enough to fall asleep, hoping he'd never have to open his eyes again.

On the other side of the bathroom door Gerard was shouting at Frank to open the door, yanking on the handle and shoving against it with his shoulder. He was terrified at what Frank might be doing at the other side of the door and was desperately thanking whichever god was out there that the lock on the door was pretty dodgy and would most likely give way if he shoved into it hard enough. Gerard could hear nothing from Frank’s side of the door and that terrified him even more. At least if he could hear Frank crying or something it would mean he was still conscious. Yet he couldn’t hear a thing. He was under no illusions; he knew how unstable Frank was and he was terrified that the news of his relationship with Lindsey had pushed him over the edge. If Frank was in there hurting himself or worse because of something he had said, Gerard knew he could never forgive himself.

Gerard groaned in frustration and walked to the other side of the room before walking quickly back towards the door and shoving into it again with even more force than before. He did this a few times until he was sure the door could not be budged. He was about to give up when he thought about Frank on the other side of the door. With that thought in mind he mustered up all his strength and shoved into the door as hard as he could. The lock on the door finally loosened and the door flew open, sending Gerard falling into the bathroom. The momentary shock he felt after getting into the bathroom was quickly overtaken by horror as he caught sight of Frank slumped against the wall; his wrists opened and blood leaking out of them, a bloody razor blade at his side. He wasn’t moving and Gerard’s face drained of all colour. Oh god, he thought. He couldn’t be dead, he just couldn’t. This couldn’t be happening. Gerard dropped to his knees and made his way over Frank and let out a low whine at the sight of Frank’s wrists. He began to cry, tears dripping down his face and clouding his vision. How could this be happening? He grabbed one of Frank’s hands and squeezed it tightly, hoping for a response from Frank. Nothing. Gerard was desperate now as he placed his fingers on Frank’s neck and held his breath, hoping to feel a heartbeat. Gerard sighed in relief as he felt Frank’s heartbeat; slow, faint and barely there but there all the same. ‘Thank god. Oh, thank god.’ Gerard repeated to himself over and over again.

He grabbed Frank’s other hand and squeezed them both, bringing Frank’s hands up to his cheek and holding them against his face. ‘It’s gonna be okay, Frankie. It’s gonna be okay.’ Gerard repeated to himself, desperately hoping it was true. Beside him Frank’s eyes fluttered open for a second and fixed on Gerard before closing again exhaustedly. Gerard gripped Frank’s hands harder. ‘Oh god Frankie, I’m so sorry,’ Gerard cried. ‘This is all my fault, I’m so so sorry.’ Gerard shrugged off his waistcoat and wrapped it around both of Frank’s wrists. ‘I’m gonna go get help Frankie, okay? Just stay here baby, okay? Don’t die on me Frank, please don’t die.’ Gerard kissed Frank’s forehead and shakily got to his feet. He didn’t know if Frank could even hear him, but Gerard kept talking to him anyway. ‘I’m just gonna go to the phone, okay? I’ll just be out here. I’ll be right back, I promise.’

Gerard rushed into his office and stumbled into his desk in a rush to get to the phone. He clutched the white phone tightly, his knuckles draining of colour. Gerard’s hands were dripping blood from touching Frank’s blood soaked body so the phone was quickly soaked in the dark liquid; the dark red a huge contrast to the clean and sterile white it had been before. Gerard stabbed the buttons hastily, quickly reaching 911. ‘I need an ambulance like now. My name's Gerard Way, I’m a psychiatrist. One of my patients just slit their wrists in my bathroom. You need to hurry, his heart is barely beating and he’s lost so much blood already. Please just get here quickly.’ He stammered into the phone, choking on his words. The woman on the other end of the line asked Gerard the address and he gave it to her, stumbling over the words, his voice rasping from crying so much. As soon as the woman on the phone assured him an ambulance was on its way, Gerard thanked her, slammed down the phone and rushed back to Frank. He collapsed onto his knees and grabbed hold of Frank’s hands, squeezing them tightly. ‘Please stay with me Frankie. Please don’t go.’ He cried.

Gerard stayed with Frank until he heard sirens wailing in the distance. After another few minutes he heard some paramedics burst into his office. ‘We’re in here!’ he screamed. They quickly rushed into the room and knelt down beside Frank, trying their best to elevate the bleeding. Someone yanked Gerard’s arm and brought him to his feet so he’d be out of the way. 'What's his name?' someone asked. 'Frank Iero.' Gerard answered as he stared at Frank as they worked on him, biting the skin around his nails to deeply that his fingers began to bleed. Tears dripped down his face and he wrapped his arms around himself, horrified at the situation unfolding in front of him. He wished he could go back in time so this would never have happened. Even if it meant never meeting Frank, anything would have been better than Frank wanting to die again, especially as it was because of him. Everything was his fault, if he had just left Frank alone none of this would ever have happened.

Gerard must have zoned out for a minute or so because he was suddenly being lightly shaken by one of the paramedics whilst Frank was being taken out of the room on a stretcher, his wrists wrapped up. The woman gave Gerard a concerned look. Gerard was thankful that she didn’t know the real reason why Gerard was so upset. ‘Hey, I'm Sarah. Gerard, is it?' He nodded. 'Okay well we’re going to take him to the hospital now, do you want to come?’ Gerard nodded vigorously, terrified of being away from Frank. They left the building and quickly climbed inside the ambulance, ignoring the stares from the passersbys on the street. Frank was lying down, still unconscious at the ambulance roared to life and sped off down the street, its sirens blaring. Gerard gripped Frank’s hand and cried harder as if he could squeeze some life back into the broken boy. Sarah sat beside Gerard, fixed him with a sympathetic look and squeezed his arm comfortingly. ‘You seem like you’re very close to Frank.’ She commented kindly. Gerard nodded. ‘Yeah…But this,’ he gestured to Frank. ‘It’s all my fault. I couldn’t save him.’ After that Gerard was crying too hard to speak. He buried his head in the crook of Sarah’s neck as she rubbed his back comfortingly and told him it really wasn’t his fault; that Frank was unstable and something like this was bound to happen sooner or later. Yet Gerard knew the truth. It was his fault, his words and actions that had pushed him over the edge. He couldn’t save him. It was because of him that Frank had tried to kill himself. It was because of him that Frank was barely alive.

Notes

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