Disenchanted

It was Monday morning and Frank had just finished his first day back at school since he had tried to kill himself. He walked to Gerard’s office after school, a sense of dread building inside him as he got closer and closer to the building. He had had an awful day at school to say the least and he really didn’t want to talk about how he was feeling as he knew Gerard would make him. He had woken up that morning after a week off school, terrified about the events the day would bring. He walked into school, tired and annoyed with the lack of sleep he had gotten. Seeing so many people crowding the halls of the school, both younger and older than him, terrified him and all at once he felt like he couldn’t breathe. His breaths had begun to become shallow and his heart thumped inside his chest. He had pressed himself against the walls of the wall, edging along towards his locker, using the wall for support as he felt he might collapse from nerves at any second. He was deeply regretting his decision to return to school when Bob and Ray were suddenly behind him and pushing him into the nearby boys bathroom. Once in there, they both enveloped Frank into a hug and then told him frankly to ‘Spill it.’ Frank sighed, defeated. He knew his absences from school were becoming more frequent and therefore more noticeable. He also knew his mood swings had become more extreme in the past few months and there was a limit to how much Bob and Ray would take until they gave up. So, with that in mind and the need to tell someone that wasn’t his mother or someone paid to listen to him and dole out pills, Frank told his friends what had been happening to him for the past few months. He told them about his suicide attempts, the pills, the therapy, the threat of the hospital. He, however, didn’t tell them about his relationship with Gerard. That would’ve just been stupid. His friends listened to Frank the whole time he was attempting to choke his words out and when he was finished they fixed him with the sad and sympathetic eyes he had been dreading. Yet, they both also pulled him into another hug and told him with such sincerity that they were here for him, always, that he almost felt stupid for not telling them everything before.

That, however, was how good the day had gotten. Throughout the day he was fixed with the same sympathetic glances by his teachers; looks that were not the same when they were from people who had bitched him out the week before for not completing a piece of homework. It was fake sympathy and even if it wasn’t, the idea that he had people being sympathetic towards him at all disgusted him. He didn’t want their stupid sympathy, he didn’t want people feeling sorry for him. He didn’t want sympathy from his friends, so sympathy from his teachers was unbearable. Although Gerard had often stressed to Frank that he was not sick, he was just sad, how he had been treated throughout the day left him feeling pretty god damn crazy. The teachers he had for this year had had to be informed that he had tried to take his life for a second time and for the whole day, they had been giving him the ever famous sympathetic glances as well as bringing him aside at the end of the class to speak to him, making everyone else think he was even weirder than they already thought. They kept saying the same teacher bullshit about how they were sorry he was feeling so bad at the moment and they were always there to talk. One of them even suggested he see the school guidance counsellor. Frank had had to hold in a sarcastic laugh at that. The only counsellor of any kind he needed was Gerard. He had missed him terribly throughout the day and by the time school had ended he was almost choking on his self-hatred. He didn’t care that lately he had been feeling slightly better and had been clean from cutting for a few days. He felt as though that had all been torn down as the day progessed. He felt utterly hopeless. For once he was glad he was going to therapy. It would be a distraction. It would keep him away from home for a short while more, and more importantly it would keep him away from his razor blades. He had one stored away in his pocket, yet he obviously couldn’t take it out in the middle of therapy and start casually cutting if everything got too much. The longer he was in public and around other people for, the safer he would be. All he wanted to do was see Gerard. No speaking, no kissing. He just wanted to crawl into his boyfriends arms and forget about everything for a little bit.

Yet, that was not exactly what had happened. Frank had reached Gerard’s floor and flopped into a chair in the waiting room. He was untangling his headphones so he could listen to some music whilst he waited for Gerard, when the door opened and out stepped the pretty young woman he had seen on many occasions. Neither of them had noticed Frank's arrival as they looked so engrossed in each other at the moment. The woman was smiling happily, as if she had just received the best news in all of the world. She looked like she had been crying, although judging by the smile on her face, they had been happy tears. Gerard looked absolutely bewildered, but he too also looked like he had been crying happily. The woman in front of Frank had long black hair and bright red lipstick, some of which was smeared messily from what looked like kissing. As he looked between them, Frank noticed a tinge of the same bright red lipstick seemed to be imprinted on Gerard’s lips. Frank’s heart began to quicken and he felt like he suddenly couldn’t breathe. His eyes shot down to Gerard’s hands and saw them clutched by this woman’s own pair. Frank didn’t think things could get any worse, yet as he saw this awful woman lean in and kiss Gerard straight on the lips he knew that yes, things could get much, much worse. It was even worse when Gerard actually returned the woman’s kiss, much less enthusiastically so yes, but he did so all the same. It confirmed Frank’s worse fears, that this was not some lonely woman, who had developed a ridiculous crush on her psychiatrist. It was doubtful she was even here for therapy as Frank had once thought. No, this woman was obviously a girlfriend of Gerard’s, maybe even a wife.

As Frank watched the woman hug Gerard warmly and lean in for another kiss before she waved him goodbye and sauntered out of the waiting room, everything seemed to tumble down upon Frank all at once.

Notes

So yeah.

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