Disenchanted

Frank pulled himself up the stairs after his mother dropped him off. As Frank had glanced back at the car as he walked to the office building he had seen his mother had remained parked and was reading a magazine she had had underneath her seat. It seemed she didn’t trust Frank to even go to his therapy appointment, let alone go home after it. Once again Frank felt as though all of his control had been taken away from him and it sucked. Frank reached Gerard’s floor and fell into a chair in the waiting room. He closed his eyes and wished he could sleep. He wasn’t happy about being awoken early on a Saturday morning when he could have been sleeping till noon. He was even more displeased considering the fact that he had tossed and turned half the night wracked with guilt and sorrow about his earlier actions. He also now had something new to worry about. Gerard. The thought of their kiss had kept him awake for hours after he had collapsed into bed that night. A million questions were running through his head, none of which he had the answers to. Mostly he wondered if the kiss would change anything between himself and Gerard. He was sure that he wanted it to. But what about Gerard, what did he want? Was he even gay? Even if they did get together it wouldn’t be an easy relationship what with Frank being just seventeen. He was a minor which meant Gerard could get into serious trouble if anyone found out about them. This was one of the main causes of Frank’s worries. For the second time he wished Gerard was his own age and that they had met in different circumstances. Yet, amongst all of his worries Frank felt slightly excited. He had enjoyed the kiss and was looking forward to seeing Gerard again even under the circumstances. He had no idea why Gerard had even wanted to kiss him but he did and for the first time in a while, that really made Frank want to smile. He had a lot of questions for Gerard as he knew Gerard would have many for him. He just hoped that when they spoke about the kiss as they undoubtedly would at some point, Gerard would speak the words that Frank wanted to hear.

Gerard quickly fetched Frank from the waiting room. They sat facing each other, Gerard on one side of the desk, Frank on the other. ‘Hey Frank.’ Gerard said, offering him a small smile. ‘Hey Gerard.’ Frank spoke back, his voice small. ‘How are you doing sweetie?’ Damn. That just slipped out. However Frank didn’t seem too fazed by it. Instead he smiled slightly at the name and shrugged, looking down at his hoodie sleeves which he had pulled down over his fingers. ‘Not great…’ Gerard nodded sympathetically. ‘We should talk about yesterday. You got upset when I tried to ask you how you were feeling, then you ran off and were found at the train tracks ready to jump in front of an oncoming train…What triggered that reaction Frank?’ Gerard asked, holding his pen ready to take notes. He decided he would ask Frank about last night before he even mentioned the kiss as Frank's health was much more important...even if he was itching to ask Frank about the kiss and maybe even do it again. Frank didn’t look his psychiatrist in the face; instead he kept his eyes on his sleeves as he answered. ‘I don’t know. I really don’t. Like sometimes these feelings just come over me and I can’t stop them. It’s like I have no control over my mind. My brain decides something whether it’s right or wrong and then…It’s like, that’s it. I can’t do anything but think about it and all these emotions just build up and I get so overwhelmed that I lash out or do something stupid. I guess that happened yesterday.’ Frank confessed. ‘Everything just builds up and I can’t take it and I need to make it stop, no matter how.’

‘And what was the thought that set it off yesterday? Was it something I said? I noticed you weren’t exactly in a brilliant mood before we started speaking, but…’ Gerard said, concerned. Frank fidgeted, not wanting to speak. This was going to be awkward and would surely make Gerard want to speak about the kiss as well. Frank finally spoke reluctantly. ‘I don’t know why but…Like, I was in an awful mood anyway so I knew I was gonna snap over something, I was just hoping it wouldn’t be at you or my mom.’ ‘What is it Frank?’ Gerard asked patiently. ‘What are you trying to tell me?’
Frank looked at Gerard for the first time since the session had started. He cringed inwardly before speaking. ‘I just…I just suddenly got this thought that you hated me, and that you were just sick of seeing me and wished I could just kill myself already, properly this time, so you wouldn’t have to see me again.’ Gerard couldn’t help but let a shocked expression form on his face. ‘Frank, what? Why would you think that?’ Frank cringed and looked away from Gerard again before muttering his reply. ‘I know it sounds stupid now. But at the time it made perfect sense to me. I mean, I really don’t understand how someone like you could put up with someone like me anyway. Once I started thinking that you hated me, it made perfect sense that everyone else hated me too. My mom, my friends, my dad especially cause he left. I just got it into my head that everyone hated me and I couldn’t stand it. I just wanted the voices inside my head telling me I’m worthless to stop, no matter how I had to do that. I don’t even know how I got to the train tracks but standing there it seemed like a perfect opportunity to end it all. And I guess that just shows that I’m not okay. I wasn’t even thinking and my brain just led me somewhere I could easily kill myself. How fucked up is that?’ Frank laughed bitterly then hid he face in his hands, not wanting Gerard to see he was about to cry.

Gerard couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could someone like Frank hate himself this much? ‘Oh god. Frank, come here, okay?’ Gerard said, getting up from his seat and leading him over to one of the couches in the middle of the room. Gerard pried Frank’s hands from his face and held them in his hands, rubbing his thumb over Frank’s hand in an attempt to comfort him. ‘Listen to me, alright? I can assure you that your mum, your friends, even your dad don’t hate you. You are not worthless and you never could be. The world would not be better off without you, it would be so, so much worse. People need you. Your mom, for instance, she would be lost without you. She’s always banging on about you.’ Gerard said, making Frank smile. ‘I mean it though Frank. I’m going to help you control your feelings to make sure something like this never happens again. But until then I want you to know that whenever your brain starts telling you that you're worthless and that you’d be better off dead, it's not true. And as for me hating you? I could never hate you Frank. Never. I hope you don’t ever doubt that again.’

Frank nodded at Gerard’s words and offered him a small smile that made Gerard’s heart swell. Gerard let go of Frank’s hands and wrapped him into a hug instead. Frank settled into the embrace and sighed against Gerard’s chest. He knew they had a lot more to talk about but in that moment he was just happy to lie against Gerard’s warm chest and enjoy the comforting silence.

After a few minutes Gerard pulled back from Frank. ‘You know, we should probably talk about this.’ He gestured to the position they were in. Although they were not embracing any longer their bodies were far closer than would be normal for any other psychiatrist and his patient. Frank nodded. ‘Yeah, I guess we should.’ Before Gerard could speak again Frank jumped in. ‘I’m sorry for like, kissing you last night. I probably shouldn’t have done it, it just felt right. In the moment, I mean. It was stupid. I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that you wanted it too.’ Gerard looked at Frank quizzically. ‘Do you regret it now?’ Frank looked Gerard right in the eyes and spoke without an ounce of doubt. ‘Actually, no I don’t. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time and last night I just thought, fuck it. The worst thing he’s gonna go is push me away. But you didn’t. I still haven’t figured out why yet.’ Frank grinned shyly at Gerard.

Gerard smiled back at Frank. ‘Yeah, I guess I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while myself.’ He admitted. Frank laughed. ‘Really? Wow, that’s insane. But like, in a good way. I was terrified after I kissed you. I thought you were gonna freak out and get all angry. But when you kissed back…’ Frank stopped and grinned at Gerard, a blush forming on his cheeks. ‘I just really liked kissing you Gerard.’ Gerard smiled back at Frank and laced his fingers with his. ‘I really liked kissing you too.’ This time Gerard was the one that made the move. He pulled Frank onto his lap so Frank was straddling him and he leaned into him, tilting his face slightly to the side and placed a small kiss atop of Frank’s lips. Frank smiled into the kiss and kissed back, deepening the kiss. He moved so his hands were placed atop of Gerard’s hips. Gerard placed one of his hands on Frank’s hip and used the other one to cup Frank’s face. They kissed silently for a few minutes until they both pulled back, blushing and slightly out of breath. Gerard laughed happily and used his thumb that was still holding Frank’s face to gently caress his cheek. Frank smiled contentedly and leaned into Gerard’s touch.

Frank was the one who finally broke the comfortable silence. ‘You know, I could sit here all day doing this, no question about it, but I’m pretty sure the hour’s nearly up and I wanted to ask you something.’ ‘Oh? What’s that?’ questioned Gerard whilst staring at Frank’s lips. ‘Like, what does this mean? The kissing and stuff?’ Frank asked, suddenly nervous at what Gerard’s answer would be. ‘What do you want it to mean?’ He asked. ‘I don’t know, I just…I really like you, Gerard.’ Frank said falteringly, unsure of how to explain himself. ‘I don’t even know what it is about you, I mean, I’ve never even been with another guy before. I’ve never even thought about it. But I just got attached to you really quickly, and now I can't stop thinking about you, especially since we kissed yesterday.' Frank hated to confess this but he needed to know if Gerard felt the same way. He was relieved when a look of happiness spread over Gerard's face when he heard Frank's words.

‘I really like you too Frank. And it’s the same with me; I’ve never felt this way about another guy before. But with you…It just feels right. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time too and now we’re here doing it, it feels great. I honestly never want to stop. I want to be with you too.’ Frank's heart lept at those words. He couldn't believe that Gerard was reciprocating his feelings. He had honestly never imagined that Gerard would want to be with him, but now he was actually hearing Gerard tell him he did. He couldn't believe it. However Frank was was quickly brought back down to reality with Gerard's next words. ‘But, this’ – he gestured to Frank’s position on top of him. ‘is wrong, at least that's what other people would think if anyone else saw us doing this. If someone walked in on us right now, that'd be it for me. I’d be arrested. You’re under age and I’m in a position of power. Even though we both want this they’d see this as me taking advantage of you, especially cause of your mental state. I really want to be with you but I don't know if we should risk it. I just wish that we were closer to the same age so no one could tell us what to do or try to dictate how we feel about one another.' Gerard said, also not wanting to mention the fact that he was already in another relationship with Lindsey, a committed one at that. He was with Lindsey and had been for the past few years, and he knew he should stay loyal to her. He had never cheated on her before, not even with just a kiss. He loved her, he really did. Yet since he had met Frank he had developed feelings for him really quickly. At the same time his feelings for Lindsey had seemed to fizzle slightly. He couldn't leave her, yet here was Frank basically offering him a relationship on a plate. He really didn't feel like he had enough self control in him to refuse, neither did he want to.

Frank sighed, getting frustrated. He wished things could be more simple but he knew Gerard was right. He wanted to be with Gerard but he also didn’t want him to get into any trouble. He couldn’t give a fuck about himself but if Gerard got into trouble over something he had a part in he didn’t think he’d be able to handle the guilt. ‘Just forget about all that for a second, okay? Just hear me out. I know it’s illegal to be doing this but why is that? Cause people will think you’re taking advantage of me, right? But you’re not! I want this just as much as you. Besides, you’re twenty two years old, Gerard. You’re young as fuck!’ Gerard, laughed at Frank’s rant. ‘Go on.’
‘Okay, look. There’s only a five year age gap. That’s nothing. If I was twenty and you were twenty five no one would bat an eyelid. If we were to be in a relationship and were found out it would only be a problem cause I’m a minor or whatever, right?’ Gerard nodded. ‘Well I’m eighteen in just a few months anyway, we’d just have to keep this under wraps until then. It’d be easy.’ Gerard laughed. ‘Frank, if we were to do this, it would not be easy.’ Frank put his hands up in mock defeat. ‘Okay, okay, I know I'm exaggerating. It wouldn't be easy. But fuck it! It’d be do able, right? All we'd have to do is keep this quiet for a few months until I turn eighteen. Then everyone can look down their snooty noses at us all they want, but they won’t be able to do a thing!’ Gerard laughed, amused at Frank’s plan.

‘You make this sound so easy.’
‘It is easy! I want you, you want me, there’s really no problem, right? We sneak around for a bit, be extra careful. I keep my mouth shut about us, you keep yours shut. I won't tell anyone, I promise, Gerard. I know how serious this is. But we both like each other, why should we deny ourselves to be with each other just cause some old man in government doesn't approve of it?'
Gerard laughed at Frank's simple view of things, wishing things could be as simple as the way Frank described them. Yet, in the back of his mind Frank's words made sense to Gerard. Why should they deny themselves to be together? In the end, it was really no one else's business anyway.
'You know what Frankie? Fuck it, you're right.' Gerard leant in for a kiss, pulling Frank closer to him than before. Frank reciprocated the kiss, tangling his fingers in Gerard's hair.
After a few minutes Frank pulled away and grinned at Gerard. 'Wait, what? Does this mean you want to be together?'
Gerard grinned back. 'Yeah, I guess it means I do.'

Well shit. What was he gonna do about Lindsey now?

Notes

Ahh, cheesy.
This was a really hard chapter to write and I'm not happy with it at all. I'm finding it harder to write in the third person the entire time but I think I should change it at this rate.
I'm really happy to get this out of the way though cause now they're finally in a relationship this might be a bit easier for me to write. I thought of another idea today too so yeah :)