Disenchanted

The look Frank gave his mother broke her heart, as many as his actions had done over the past few years. Getting his first tattoo angered her. Getting drunk almost every weekend and continuously skipping school worried her. Having her son want to die broke her heart. Having him attempt to take his own life shattered it.
Now the look her was giving her was another stab in her heart. She was close to giving up by this stage; her heart was aching by Frank’s constant self-destruction. She tore her eyes away from her son as he struggled to comprehend what she had just told him.

‘What?’ he questioned. ‘What? I don’t understand…’
In desperation to get more answers Frank tugged his mom’s arm, shaking it in the hopes she would tell him more.
‘Mom, please. Just look at me, please. You can’t let them do that to me!’

However Frank’s mom continued to stay turned away from him, not wanting her son to see her tears. Frank began to panic. If what his mom said was true, Gerard was behind the nearest door deciding his fate right at that moment. The thought made his head spin and he was thankful he was sat down at that moment. Frank’s breathing became shallow and he sat digging his nails into his wrists to calm him down; waiting although he wasn’t sure for what. When Frank was sure he could take it no longer, a door banged open and Gerard exited the small room accompanied by a few officers. Frank looked up at the noise and their eyes caught straight away. Frank’s heart began to beat rapidly as he looked into Gerard’s eyes. Similarly Gerard’s features also changed as soon as he set eyes on Frank. His face visibly relaxed. Frank was sure Gerard would have been notified that Frank had been found safe, yet Gerard’s face had relaxed as if he was only willing to believe it when he saw Frank right in front of him. Frank was sure that he saw a sigh of relief pass through Gerard’s lips. Not that he was looking at his lips though. No; not at all.

Gerard made his way over to Frank and his mom and leant down, murmuring to his mom as she nodded along. Frank couldn’t help but look at his psychiatrist’s Adam’s apple as he spoke as well as his lips as they moved. He had recently noticed Gerard talked mostly to the side of his mouth and when he laughed which was often, as he always seemed to be happy, he displayed such small cute teeth that Frank was so sure that they were still his baby teeth. She nodded at what he was saying so Gerard straightened up and looked over to where Frank was sitting, yet made no effort to come any closer as if he was afraid that Frank would freak out again like he had done only hours before. He nodded again as if to confirm to himself what Frank's mom had agreed to, before tearing his eyes away from Frank’s and made his way over to the police officers to resume their conversation. Frank hadn’t heard a word Gerard had said to his mom but he felt a lurch in his stomach. The look on Gerard’s face had said it all. From the way he had come over to her and whispered something before waiting for her reaction, it was like he had gently proposed a question to her, just like he was telling her their decision and asking her if she agreed. The nod from his mom told Frank she did. Oh god. Oh god. Shit. Fucking fuckity fuck. He couldn’t let this happen.

Before he knew what he was doing Frank had gotten out of his seat had rushed over to Gerard and was now clutching his shirt and begging him to reconsider.

Gerard had been innocently speaking to a few of the officers and so was greatly surprised when Frank rushed up to him and pressed himself against his chest, gripping his shirt with his clenched fists. The teenager in front of him was obviously terrified and breathing heavily, looking like he was going to have a panic attack pretty soon if he didn’t calm down. ‘Gerard,’ Frank gushed. ‘Please, please don’t do this. Please don’t send me away. I know you’re going to, I can see it in your eyes. Please don’t Gerard, please. I trusted you!’ Frank cried, gripping Gerard’s shirt even harder. The officers beside Gerard and Frank raised their eyebrows and began mumbling together. Gerard wasn’t sure if they were shocked at Frank’s panicked behaviour or the fact that he was standing far closer to Gerard than was probably appropriate, as well as calling him by his first name. All Gerard knew was for both their sakes; he needed to get Frank off him and calm him down now.

‘Frank, it’s okay but you need to calm down.’ Gerard said softly. ‘If you don’t calm down, you’re gonna have a panic attack. It’s alright.’
Frank shook his head, looking panicked. ‘No, I can’t calm down. Oh god. Oh god.’ Frank repeated to himself, still breathing heavily and looking like he was in pain.
Sensing that Frank wasn’t going to be able to calm down the officers shared a look before opening the door to the room they had just come from and signalling for Frank and Gerard to go in. ‘Go talk to him in there for a few minutes,’ one of the officers said to Gerard. ‘Maybe he’ll calm down if it’s just the two of you alone; he trusts you, I can tell.’
Gerard nodded and ushered Frank into the room before shutting the door behind them. Frank slid into a seat and waited for Gerard to do the same.
‘Frank-‘

‘Gerard, please just listen to me. I’m sorry about what happened earlier tonight. I don’t know what happened, I was just walking and I ended up at the train tracks. I hadn’t even thought of it before. I just wanted to walk out into the tracks cause it felt right at that moment. I don’t why I did it, it was stupid.’ Frank rushed out all in one breath, desperate to explain.
Gerard sighed and ran his hand over his face, leaving it covering his eyes for a few seconds, not wanting Frank to see how lost and exhausted he was. ‘Frank, the fact that you just seemed to randomly end up somewhere dangerous like that without even thinking about it shows you’re not getting better at all! It’s like you have this natural instinct to ruin your life or something!’ Gerard sighed with annoyance, instantly regretting his words when he saw Frank flinch. Frank knew that Gerard was right but he still desperately tried to make him change his mind. ‘It won’t happen again, Gerard, I mean it.’

‘But Frank, that’s exactly what you said last time! I can’t trust you anymore!’ Gerard cried, exasperated.
‘Gerard, please!’ Frank cried, equally exasperated. He grabbed Gerard’s hand, gripping it tightly. ‘Just listen, please.’ He begged.
Gerard glanced down at Frank’s hand covering his own, the pressure of Frank’s hand clutching his own causing both of their hands to turn slightly pink. He flickered his eyes to rest on Frank’s face, noting a single tear making its way down his face. He was desperate. Gerard finally relented and let the boy in front of him speak.

Frank relaxed slightly, relieved he was actually getting a chance to explain his actions and say what he needed to say. Gerard was good like that; it seemed that he really cared. Although Frank knew Gerard must care about him slightly if he was listening to him instead of just passing him to someone else as their problem, he was still conflicted. He couldn’t figure out if what had happened in Gerard’s office earlier that day had been a result of his mind warping the world around him and making him believe Gerard hated him with a passion, or if Gerard actually did hate him. At the time Frank had been angry and ready to lash out at anyone that upset him, and right now he was shaking from the night’s events and extremely fragile so he still couldn’t tell what was real or what was not. Yet as he looked at Gerard in front of him who was waiting for him to speak encouragingly and making no attempt to loosen his hand from Frank’s smaller one, something told Frank he had been an idiot and Gerard really did care. He was probably even upset by the words Frank had thrown at him earlier. Frank’s head swum with his conflicted thoughts but he knew that it wasn’t the time to think about his feelings right now. He needed to convince Gerard he was okay. Or at least that he would be okay, eventually.

‘Ok, it’s like this. I’ve been in places like that before. You probably knew that already; I know you need all the past information when you get a new patient so I’m under no allusions that you thought this was my first time being in therapy or anything. But the thing is, you read it on paper. You don’t know what it was really like for me in there. Those places just don’t fucking work, at least not for me. They’re hell and I don’t think I could handle being in another place like that ever again. I mean, if it really worked I wouldn’t be in this position right now, would it?’
Gerard said nothing while Frank was speaking, wanting to hear more. ‘Go on.’
‘I get that I wanna die and you’re trying to protect me, you’re just doing your job. But those places don't work for me. I've tried it before, like really tried to get better but I just can't do it, not when I've been forced into it and don't want to do it for myself. I just end up resenting everyone and causing trouble and pissing everyone off. The fact that I'm here now after being out staring at train tracks all night just proves that hospitals don't work for me. I know you think I'm too depressed to know what I want and I get that but trust me on this. I know better than anyone what works for me and what doesn't. Those places are torture and I just end up lying; pretending I’m okay so I can leave. It's so easy to lie and pretend you're getting better when you're not. As soon as I pretend to have some huge breakthrough they'll let me out and then where will I be? No better off than I was before. I get out of that place and I’ll be like ‘Fuck it, I’m out. I’m free so now I can do what I want; including kill myself.’ It’s like prison; you’re kept away from everyone else in the outside world so you can’t do anything bad whether it’s to yourself or to them. But that’s not recovery. It doesn't help at all. Recovery is when you’re out in the real world and you have the means and the opportunity to kill yourself but you don’t, because you actually want to live.’

Gerard nodded and squeezed Frank’s hand as he watched him speak, letting his eyes brim with tears without embarrassment. ‘I want to be okay. I know it doesn’t look like I do, especially after tonight but I do, I really do. It’s just gets so hard sometimes and I have moments like tonight when I want to give up. But I don't want to be forced to get better. I want to do this on my terms, it's easier that way. I know I’ve been difficult and I’m sorry but I really believe you’re the only one that can truly help me. You’re not like the rest,’ Frank confessed, staring into Gerard’s eyes. ‘You’re more real, you understand me, I can see it in you. And not like on a professional, text book level. I mean really and truly. I don’t want anyone else to help me, Gerard. I just want you. I don’t think I can do this without you. So please, please don’t send me away.’ Frank finished his heartfelt confession, watching Gerard as a few of his own tears silently rolled down his cheeks. Frank's words really struck a chord with Gerard and now his mind was made up. He wanted to give Frank another chance, despite what his better judgement was telling him. He couldn't deny Frank this, especially as he had opened up and admitted his true feelings.

Gerard stood up from the table and walked over to Frank. He thanked god that there were no cameras in that particular room and he drew Frank into his strong arms and held his arms around his waist. Frank leant into Gerard’s embrace and relaxed into his chest. Gerard stroked the back of Frank’s hair as they stood silently, Gerard rocking their bodies side to side so softly that if was barely even noticeable. Gerard kissed Frank’s head softly and murmured against his hair so softly that it could barely be heard. ‘Ok, Frankie, ok.’

Hours seemed to pass as they held each other tightly, and in that moment both seemed to realise how much they really did need each other.

Notes

Bit of an insight into Frank's past for you guys.
By the way, the description by Stitches is great, isn't it? :)