Disenchanted

Frank had had a bad week and by Friday he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for the whole weekend. Either that or get mindlessly drunk. Either way was good. He had had a shit day at school and he was basically just tired of how his life was going right now. He was sick and tired of being ignored by the majority of people in his school and angry at himself for accepting it. He was angry at himself for the way he looked, the way he spoke, the way he acted, everything. Everything about him was wrong, so wrong that it disgusted him and he was surprised that people could stand to live with him, be around him, even know he existed without wanting to die themselves. He was sure he was that repulsive. He felt poisonous, as if anyone he touched, or looked at, or thought of would drop down dead. He was most poisonous to himself though, he felt like he was suffocating underneath his own skin, purely because he couldn't believe it held a person as mind numbingly awful as himself. Everything he did, everything he said, embarrassed him or upset him in some way, so much so that he couldn't bear to be looked at, to be spoken to, be i the same room as someone. Being this way, and feeling these things, but being forced to live a life where he had to be spoken to, had to be looked at, it was unbearable. Frank just wanted to be alone constantly, to save others from the horror of being around him. Yet he couldn't, it was 'weird' and 'unsociable' and 'unhealthy' and so Frank was forced to participate, , to be looked at, to be spoken to. He hated this, hated being 'on show', as he thought of it when all he wanted was to be alone and have all the time in the world to hurt himself, punish himself for simply existing. And because he couldn't, he was angry. All his pent up frustrations and sadness came out in anger and although it was unhealthy, it was his way of dealing with things. Mostly, Frank began over thinking about his life and how it had turned out, how badly it had turned out. This caused him to pick himself apart over every little thing he had ever done, or ever said. He anger barely ever directed itself at someone else. No, that would just make him feel guiltier than ever and give him another reason to hate himself. Instead, he directed his anger at himself, getting angrier and angrier at every little thing he did. He was angry at every single aspect of himself, his life, his personality. After all, anger was easier to convey and explain and deal with, than raw, insatiable sadness that had no cause, and seemed to have no end. Most of all, Frank was angry at himself for wasting people like Gerard's time when it could be spent on people that actually wanted or needed help. He didn't want help at all. He just wanted to die, and it was getting harder and harder to deal with the fact that he was still alive when he felt like he should have put an end to his life long, long ago. After school ended, Frank walked into town and made the journey to Gerard's office and trudged up the stairs, getting more and more angry and upset as he went. It pissed him off how his emotions were so out of control, more than ever nowadays. He wanted it to stop and he wanted it to stop right fucking now. Most of the time Frank could tolerate these therapy sessions but today was not one of those days. He hoped Gerard would be cool and leave him alone but he doubted things would go that well for him. Frank knew in the back of his mind that he was about to blow up on someone and he hoped it wouldn't be his mom or Gerard as they were the two people that deserved it least. However, he was at the end of his tether and he knew the slightest thing could set him off. He just hoped he could contain his anger for one more hour until he could go home and take everything out on himself. He could feel everything building up inside his head and honestly, it terrified him.

Once Frank was let into Gerard's office, he brushed past Gerard and sank into his armchair without saying hello to Gerard, immediately starting to tap his foot off the hardwood floor. He began to pick at the black nail varnish on his nails and fixed his glare onto the clock on the wall, desperate for the session to be over as soon as possible. Just one hour. He could keep it in for another hour, couldn't he? Gerard was surprised that Frank did not greet him with a small smile like he usually did and knew something was up with him straight away; however he decided not to push it.

‘What’s up Frank?’ he asked enthusiastically instead.
Frank shook his head as if to wave away the question; never once taking his eyes off his nails.
‘How’ve you been?’ Gerard tried instead.

Frank scoffed at Gerard’s question, a smirk appearing on his lips, showing how pissed off he was. The question was so ridiculous it was actually laughable. How’d he been? He’d been fucking shit, as usual. What else did Gerard expect to hear? Frank suspected his answer to that question was always gonna be the same. He knew it must dishearten Gerard to hear it. I mean, obviously just because it meant Frank wasn't really getting anywhere and Gerard would have to spend more sessions with him. Gerard didn't really care about how he felt, Frank knew that. And yeah, Gerard had comforted him a few times when he cried, but that didn't mean anything. It didn't mean Gerard had feelings for him, not like the feelings Frank had come to realise he had for Gerard. Gerard was just doing his job and was probably absolutely repelled at the thought of touching him. He probably inwardly rolled his eyes every time Frank came to him in a crying mess, wishing Frank would just get the hint that he hated him. Yeah, that was definitely how Gerard felt. Frank kicked himself for not realising it earlier. Frank didn’t know how Gerard even put up with him even for just an hour a week. Frank knew he’d go crazy if he had to spend more than a few minutes alone with someone like him, someone so shit and sad and boring and generally just pathetic. Frank didn’t know how Gerard did it.

‘Something funny about my question Frank?’ Gerard asked good-naturedly, trying to get a smile out of Frank. ‘I don’t find it particularly amusing myself but…’ Gerard trailed off.
Frank couldn't stand to hear Gerard voice concern for him when it was probably so fake. Gerard probably hated Frank as much as he hated himself. He was probably just making fun of him this whole time. He didn't care about how Frank felt at all. He probably dreaded Fridays every week knowing he'd have to put up with seeing Frank's face. The sudden realization hit Frank hard. The thought of Gerard secretly hating him this whole time made him sick. He must have seemed so pathetic to Gerard, crying and feeling so alone that he was desperate to be held and loved by someone. This realization made Frank want to hurt Gerard hard. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He was desperate to get out of the office, feeling like a fish out of water that couldn't breathe and was just flopping endlessly by the river banks, helpless. That's probably how Frank looked to Gerard, helpless. ‘Oh fuck off.’ Frank snarled under his breath, desperate to hurt Gerard. How could he pretend to like him this whole time? How could he be so cruel? He felt so betrayed.
It was pretty obvious that Frank was angry at something but Gerard had no idea what. He hadn’t done anything except ask Frank how he was and Frank had reacted pretty badly. Frank had no reason to react that badly to Gerard’s questions yet Gerard knew that in his profession people’s moods could flick like a switch. Gerard knew that Frank was feeling pretty awful so decided to ignore the fact that Frank had sworn at him. ‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that Frank, okay?’ he said instead, frowning. He wondered what had happened to make Frank act like this but he didn’t hold out much hope for Frank to calm down and actually tell him why he was upset.

For the first time since he had entered the room Frank ripped his gaze away from his nails and fixed Gerard with a murderous look. He’d had enough and Gerard’s calm manner was enough to send him over the edge, especially when he now knew Gerard’s patience and kindness was all a big act. He was sick of people like Gerard lying and treating him so nicely when it was all so fake. It had become so painfully obvious to Frank now. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t realised this before. Why couldn’t people just tell the truth? He knew Gerard and everyone else around him must be so sick of helping him at this stage. He was never gonna get better so there was no point trying anymore. He thought that by now people would have realised this and begun to leave him alone. Sadly, he’d had no such luck. He was sick of the way people had been treating him so nicely when they didn’t mean it at all. They just felt sorry for him. Why did they have to do that; make Frank feel safe and liked when it was all just a big act? What was the point? Did they enjoy hurting him as payback for having to deal with him? That must be it. How fucked up. Gerard was the worst; making Frank feel so safe that he had began to have feelings for him. Gerard must be laughing at the thought of poor little Frank thinking he actually had a chance with someone like him. The thought made Frank's face flame with anger and embarrassment.

All the anger Frank been holding in exploded as he realised everything that had been hidden from him from the past few weeks. How could he let this happen? The thought of Gerard secretly hating him when he liked him so much made Frank feel as though his world was crashing down. ‘No, let’s not,’ he spat, sitting up straight in his chair and banging his hands down on his desk chasing Gerard to flinch. He started speaking hurriedly, not caring if he was making any sense or not. ‘Pretend you didn’t hear it all you want but I fucking said it. I don’t give a shit whether you heard it or not cause I still said it and I meant it and I fucking hate you right now Gerard, you're making me hate you. Just drop the act, you don't have to pretend you like me anymore. It took me a while but I can finally see through your act. You were good though, I'll give you that.' Frank began to laugh bitterly, already regretting his rant but he knowing he couldn’t stop now. He ignored the hurt look upon Gerard’s face and the voice inside his head that told him ‘Don’t do this, Frank. He’s just trying to help you and you’re making everything worse.’ Frank knew this was true but once he had started he couldn’t stop. His voice rose to a shout. ‘Don’t try and fucking talk to me and don’t try to make me feel better, cause there’s no point; I’m never gonna get better, never, ever, I’m so fucking sick of it and I can’t do this anymore. Don’t even try to pretend you like me, alright cause I know you don’t. You don’t have to pretend for my benefit cause at this stage I couldn’t care less anymore. Tell me what you really think. Don’t fucking lie to me anymore, don’t pretend you can stand me cause I don’t understand how you could. How could you? It doesn’t make sense. How can someone like you like someone as fucking revolting and disgusting as me? How? I hate this, I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much.’ His voice had gone to a raspy whisper and he was crying by now, his voice shaking from shouting.

Gerard made his way over to Frank, panicked by his outburst. ‘Frank, it's okay, I-‘
Frank scrambled up from his chair. ‘No, it's not okay! Just leave me alone alright, Gerard? I don’t want to hear it.’
Frank made his way over to the door and yanked the handle until it came open without taking his eyes off Gerard. Gerard tried to make his way over to Frank, holding his hands up, desperate to calm him down. He had no idea where this had all come from but it wasn't true at all and if Frank would just listen then maybe he'd realise that.

‘Wait, Frank. Don’t leave okay, you’re not thinking straight. Just come sit down, we’ll call your mom to come and get you if that’s what you want.’
‘No, don’t, just leave me alone!’ Frank held his hands in front of him like a barrier between him and Gerard. ‘Don’t call my mom.’
Gerard watched Frank as he turned towards the door once again and seemed to have an inward battle with himself. He just about caught Frank whisper ‘What am I doing?’ to himself. Gerard knew that Frank was incredibly angry at himself in that moment and once again tried to slowly make his way closer to him. Frank was now breathing heavily, his hand red from clutching the door handle so tightly. Just when Gerard reached Frank, Frank whipped around and saw how close Gerard was to him. ‘Don’t come any closer!’
‘Frank, I-‘
‘No, stop it. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to come to these sessions any more, I’ve told you a million times that I just want to die, Gerard. I’ve had enough. I’m sorry, I just-‘ Frank shook his head like his thoughts weren’t important anymore and wrenched the door open, stalking off down the hallway.

For once Frank must have taken the elevator because in a matter of minutes Gerard saw Frank exit the building and break into a run as soon as he could. 'God dammit, Frank.' Gerard murmured to himself. He turned away from the window and grabbed the phone from his desk, resting his head in his left hand. He spoke into the phone feeling completely defeated but knowing that Frank was probably about to do something incredibly stupid. He couldn’t let that happen.

‘Police, please.’

Notes

I didn't expect this chapter to go like this, it just kind of happened...? I wrote more but I just couldn't get it to work out so I'll post the rest when I'm happier with it.