Clearwater [Mikey Way]

I wake up earlier than usual the next day.
Patrick's still in a deep sleep, snoring softly so I decide to leave him.
I kiss his cheek before I walk out the door.
The sun is only just peeking over the trees that surround the came as I make my way back to my cabin.
Thinking Mikey was going to be asleep in there, I quietly open the door and sneak in.
But no.
He's not there.
Instead, there's a small yellow post-it note stuck on the metal from of his bunk so I wouldn’t miss it.

Staying with Taylor tonight.
Have fun fucking Patrick.
- Mikey.I sigh and scrunch the note up.
I'd thought about it all last night.
I can't tell him.
He's hypnotized by Taylor.
He's happy with Taylor.
I sit on my bed and stare at the floor until I hear footsteps on the wooden path to the door.
Quickly, I throw my pillow down and bury my face in it so he can't see my tears and pull my blanket over me.
I've fucked up big-time.
I lost the one guy who actual did like me.
And the one guy I do like love has this gorgeous, skinny thing to call a girlfriend.
Maybe I should have just been arrested that night.
My life is a mess.
It's not just this.
I'm not that dramatic.
I'm scared.
I mean, at any given time, the judge could revoke this order and I could be locked away for just as long as my big brother.
Matty…
I miss him most.
My big brother was the one to raise me.
He never ever let me get involved with Lester and his business.
But the night we got caught, I snuck out WITH Lester's help.
I sigh, rolling over again when I hear Mikey finally walk through the door, also snapping myself out of my little flashback.
"Missy?"
I hear Mikey's voice and I just ignore him.
I'm not in the mood.
"Come on. Wake up. I wanna tell you something." he says and I sigh, rolling over and opening my eyes.
He looks at me for a second.
"Have you been crying?" He asks and I shake my head.
"No. But why do you give a fuck if I was?" I snap slightly.
I don’t mean to be so bitter but my feeling won't just go away and it's hard to talk to him the same way after making my decisions.
He seems kinda surprised at my tone but he tries not to look hurt.
I instantly do feel bad though.
"Anyway, Taylor and I were talking and we decided that, uh, w-we're both gonna lose out virginity tonight. What you said really helped me and yeah. That's what we decided. So, I kinda need you outta here." He says. "Can you go to Patrick's?"
My eyes widen and I fall silent.
I look down.
Somehow, I still can't bring myself to tell him about Taylor, but I know I need to now.
But instead I simply say "Patrick and I broke up."
He looks at me like the situation is no big deal and he sits next to me, putting his arm around me.
"Why?" he asks urgently, looking at me like he's actually concerned when I know he doesn’t give a fuck.
"Because I love someone else and he knows it. He broke up with me but he knew I didn’t want to be with him." I say.
Now I'm just making it obvious.
He watches me for about a minute.
"So you two didn’t…?" he trails off sand I shake my head.
"Nearly, but no." I say. "Have fun with Taylor tonight. I won't be back."
The last part I say as I'm running out the door with tears in my eyes.
I couldn’t hide my voice cracking when I said it either.
I hear him call my name as I run off into the wood.
I run and run and don’t stop until I trip over a low hanging root, falling on my face and easily scratching my forehead on the sticks hidden amongst the leaves.
I don’t both getting up.
I just curl up by a tree, bawling my eyes out like a small child.
I can't do this anymore.
I don’t want to stay here.
Jack, please come back and get me.
I silently beg for something to happen so I don’t have to go back and deal with this.
But I know nothing will come.
I'll have to go back eventually and face him.
I can't let him do this.
It's not right!
I WONT LET HER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM!
I CANT LET HER!
By now, I'm struggling to breathe through my sobs.,
I let out a scream and continue to sob violently, knowing no one would hear me.
Mikey is my best friend.
I mean, yeah Sammi…
But Mikey's different.
He trusts me.
I trust him.
I'm betraying him.
I can't tell him.
I'm too weak to do that.
Yet not weak enough to not realize how much I'm hurting him.
This is my fault.
I let it get this far!
THIS IS MY FAULT.
Maybe there's an explanation.
Maybe I'm just jealous of her.
I lean against the tree I was curled up by for a few hours, alone with my thoughts.
I'm letting his first be a fucking slut who's been cheating on him for god-knows how long!
I can't…
I can't tell him.
I have to.
I cant.
I have to.
I cant.
I have to.
I have to.
I have to.
I have to.
I.
Have.
To.
I will.
I pull myself to my feet after about what I judge is at least two more hours of sobbing, screaming and occasionally punching a tree.
My hand hurts now and the makeup I was wearing isn't even a black river down my face.
It's just fucking gone.
My forehead is bleeding down my face, I can taste the metallic warm substance in my mouth as I run.
I don’t stop until I get back to our cabin.
It's beginning to get dark and Mikey's started getting ready to go meet Taylor.
And there I am in the door.
My shirt covered in my own blood and my face tear-stained
Mikey hears the door and comes running.
I guess he was half way through straightening his hair.
He sees me and goes wide eyes.
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!" He shrieks.
I just shake my head and start crying again.
"I have to tell you something. Please don’t hate me for this, Mikey."

Notes