Pay the price

"So frank it's noon and so far we've made zero progress" my doctor while I'm here, Dr. Nesser said becoming irritated and beginning to tap her pen on the clipboard she held.

"Is there something holding you back like family?" She questioned.

"Nope don't have a family."

"What about your mom?" She asked raising her eyebrows.

"Probably in jail." I answered truthfully. I haven't seen my mom in a while she wasn't home when I shot myself so it's been what like a month maybe?

"dad?"

"never met him."

"Girlfriend?"

Now that one I laughed at. "Haha yea right."

"Boyfriend?" She asked.

instead of laughing at that one I thought. I guess I have a lot of 'lovers' but no boyfriends. Mikey and me were bestfriends well before he found out at least, and that only leaves gerard...

i never actually questioned my relationship with gerard it was either he was my teacher or one of my clients. And not until recently my rapist.

I don't know really. I mean should I be mad at gerard? He was forced by bob billie and ray but he's a fucking teacher. He could've easily overpowered all of them if he really tried.

He was always kind to me unless I gave him a reason to be mad and I'd always admired that he even showed an ounce of care towards me, but that doesn't mean I like him, let alone make us boyfriends.

"Frank?" Dr. Nesser said braking me out of my thoughts. "You alright there?"

"Nope no boyfriends either." I answered completely disregarding her last question.

"Okay then..uhm" she hummed running her finger down the checklist on her clipboard.

"Do you ever have mood swings?"

"What like a girl on her period?" I asked somewhat rudely, but Dr. Nesser's face was priceless.

"Yes I guess you could say that."

"Yea I guess I mean sometimes I'm wild I guess but most of the time I'm just quiet." I said thinking back to how I act in school and then how I act out of it specifically around clients.

"Okay then uhm let me see..." She said looking back over the list again.

"have you ever self harmed?" She asking giving me sympathetic look.

" if shooting yourself counts then yea but other than that no."

Her eyes widened and her jaw went somewhat slack at my reply. "Y-you shot yourself?"

"Yea twice, why wanna see?" I said beginning to pull up my gown.

"No frank I'm fine thank you, you can put your gown down." She responded scratching her neck awkwardly.

"Okay so since you seem to be a very straightforward guy I'm going to ask you a very straight forward question okay?"

I nodded at her.

"Why are you suicidal?"

About a million thoughts and possible answers began racing through my head and I felt overwhelmed just by her one simple question.
"I guess because I hate my life and I let myself turn to utter trash." Is what I came up with out of all those thoughts and answers.

"What do you mean by utter trash?" she said tapping her pen again. God that's annoying.

"Can you please put the fucking clipboard down and just listen and talk to me instead of writing down useless notes?" I said pretty rude but it worked. She set the clipboard down and looked at me.

"I'm all ears."

---------------------------

I sat there watching Dr. Nesser as she took in all I said.
she looked confused more than anything. She told me that there was a group meeting after dinner she wanted me to attend and that she'd see me then.

After she left I just laid there in my hospital gown. i decided after twenty minutes of just sitting there on the office couch that I should probably go back to my room, which I was extremely grateful for because it's a single, since I'm on suicide watch.

I wondered down the halls back to my room and found another man there.

"Hello frank!" He chirped happily.

"Who are you?" I asked trying to seem tough but it came out more like me, small and fragile.

"I'm a therapist-"

"what about Dr. Nesser?" I interjected

"as I was saying." He continued, giving me a look of irritation. "I'm a therapist here at the hospital for all those in the mental ward. My names Dr. Chase and your probably not going to see me a lot but I make and effort to meet everyone."

"Uh okay hi?" I said having it come out as more of a question than as a statement.

"I'm also here because I need to know a number so I can contact someone and let them know where you are and how you are. So have a number for me?" Dr. Chase asked.

For a moment I thought about giving him Mikey's number since it's the only one I know by heart but decided against it.

"Nope sorry."

Notes

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