Pay the price

I walked home after school back to the apartment building. Yep I was still living with gerard since he refused to let me go home especially since I tried to kill myself.

we didn't talk much but I knew he cared for me and having him see me like that after I promised him I wouldn't sell myself again made me feel like utter shit.

I walked into the apartment slowly hoping he was still at a meeting or something. Nope of course not he was standing in the kitchen waiting for me.

"Sit." He said seriously gesturing to the breakfast bar. I sat on one of stools and thanked god that there was a countertop of space between us.

i just stared at my hands at first but I looked up to see gerard staring at me with his arms crossed.

I locked eyes with him and then I felt about 100x more guilty.

He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't even- I just I don't want to yell but-"

"Do it. Yell at me. You have every right to be mad at me I fucked up. Literally." I cut in.

he sighed and rested his elbows on the counter so now we were face to face.

"just why did you do it?" He asked with his eyes closed awaiting the answer.

"He was told me I wasn't allowed back because of what I did so basically it was my only idea. I climbed on top of him and asked him if I fucked him would he let me stay." I answered shyly.

"And what did he say frank?" Gerard questioned raising his eyebrows.

"As I long as I promised not to tell anyone. But I never expected anyone to walk in." I admitted feeling scared. Gerard has every right to blow up on me but he's holding back and I really don't feel like being yelled at.

"Do you even realize how fucking lucky you are that it was me and not someone else? Frank what if it wasn't me and someone else saw how would you deal with that?"

I knew he was trying to make me feel bad but I answered him honestly. "I'd probably fuck them in exchange for them keeping their mouths shut."

"And you'd be okay with that!" He yelled at me.

"I don't know how else to deal with shit okay! I'm a fucked up kid with no money, no friends, no life, no family I have no skills and all I know how to do is make people feel good." I said starting to cry.

"Why would you go as low as fucking your principle? frank you could've had me talk to him I'm a fucking teacher for crying out loud!"

"I'm sorry."

"you should be." He said coldly.

I couldn't deal with the guilt I was feeling I stood up and ran to my room. I slammed the door shut and slid down it. I just held my head in my knees and cried.

I mean school wasn't even half way through. It was only October and I just wished I could skip over my junior and senior year. Nothing good ever happens at school anyway. I sit alone eat alone and just basically go by unnoticed.

I mean gerard thinks me and mikey made up but our relationship has just gotten worse.

I cant even think of anything to look forward too. I have another year of school left from being held back in middle school and Im older than everyone which irritates me because this could be my last year.

i mean I love Halloween and yea it's my birthday but only Mikey knows that and I doubt we'll be friends by the end of the month. God I hate my life.

There was a soft knock on the door. "frank come out."

"No." I answered shakily

"why not?" Gerard questioned trying to sound calm but I knew he was still mad.

"Because if I can't die I'd rather be locked in here the rest of my life."

Notes

Shitty chapter
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