Memories

When I entered the bathroom, the first thing I did was take a look at myself in the small mirror that was hung on the Way's tiled wall above the sink. What I saw took my by surprise.

I couldn't recognize myself. My hair was draped lightly over my face; it was scratty and greasy. I flicked my head slightly to move the hair, and then I saw that stupid blush was still there. How did Gerard do that to me by talking to me? Do I blush like that when Mikey talks to me? When anyone talks to me?

I stared at myself until the flare of my cheeks was back to normal, and I studied my face closer. My eyes were slightly swollen, and not too red, much to my relief.

I turned the cold tap on, putting the plug in and running my hands under it, filling them as much as I could before leaning over the sink to splash my face. The coolness of the water felt familiar, and I let it drip from my face for a few seconds before flicking the water from my hands and reaching for a towell.

I felt a yawn coming on, and it hurt when I stretched my mouth due to my lips being dry and chapped. I winced my face up in pain as a single drop of blood dripped and rolled down my chin. Wiping my mouth with the back of my sleeve, I started opening the cupboards, searching for anything that would stop my lips cracking anymore.

I ground my teeth together when I opened the cupboard in front of me and a small white tub fell from the shelf, making a loud, cluttery noise for such a tiny object. My sleeve disappeared from my mouth and I put both my hands on the edge of the sink, studying the small, blue and red pills that were half dissolved in the emptying sink.

I realized I had been holding my breath as I reached to pick up one of the blue capsules between my fingers, exhaling a shaky breath. It had been a while since I picked up one of these. Slowly, I bent down and picked up the tub that had fallen on the floor, taking note of how many pills were left in the bottom of it. Five red ones, three blues.

The words "red ones make me fly, blue ones help me fall," echoed through my aching brain, but I couldn't decipher exactly what I was thinking until I could taste the bitterness of one of the capsules melting onto my tongue.

I continued to pick up the scattered pills, but I left the tub on the floor after emptying the last eight remaining ones into the palm of my hand. I stared at them, my breathing uneven and stuttery.

When I finally gathered my thoughts, I found myself wretching, grimacing at the taste of the liquidated pill that was attacking my taste buds. I spat it into the sink, simultaneously dropping the pills and cupping my hands under the water once again, washing my mouth out.

Sighing heavily, I stared at the water emptying from the sink and slowly realized that I had tears forming in my eyes. I gave up on containing them and let them flow freely, my heart beat at an alarming pace. I glanced up into the mirror in front of me, taking in my gruesome expression, before freezing in my place.

In the reflection of the mirror, behind me, Gerard was stood in the doorway; confusion and worry written all over his face. I noticed he looked paler than usual. How long had he been there? His eyes were wide, tears threatening to spill. His lips were parted slightly. He shifted his weight, hesitating before taking a step forward.

"No," I whispered, a little too quietly as he didn't seem to hear me. I looked down as he stopped behind me. My heart was pounding and I was afraid he would hear it. My whole body tensed when I felt his hand brush my left shoulder, and my breathing hitched.

"Don't," I pleaded a little louder this time. Glancing up through my hair into the mirror, I saw he was looking right at me.

"Frank, I- I don't understand?" Gerard spoke so quietly I wasn't even sure if he meant for me to hear. His voice cracked.

"You don't need to," I started, shakily. His face was scrunched up in confusion, and his eyes pleaded me in the reflection of the mirror.

"You mean, you don't want me to understand?" He asked me, his voice a little louder now.
"Even if I can't understand, Frank, I know how it feels to keep it all inside. I had to for seven years. I had nobody for seven fucking years. I didn't want anybody. I wanted to stay inside my dorm room all day and have no human interaction what-so-ever for seven years. Hell, I didn't even want to come home. I missed everyone. I missed my mom, my brother-"
Gerard paused, before adding, "I missed you. I didn't know if you missed me. That hurt."
He was breathing faster now, his eyes closed tightly to stop the tears. "Did you miss me, Frank? Because for seven years, I didn't know. I wanted- I wanted to-" he hesitated, and then opened his eyes. They were full of pain, and they cut right into me. Tears stained his cheeks.
"Fuck, I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself."

I winced, looking away from the mirror. His words repeated, clear as day, through my head. Was what Gerard saying true? Why would he lie about that?

"Gerard..." I whispered, and he looked up, a sad smile on his beautiful face. Sadness didn't suit him. I didn't want him to feel like this. I turned to face him, startling him slighty. I studied his features for a few seconds, taking in his state, before reaching up and wiping a tear from his cheek with my thumb. He exhaled sharply, and I moved forward, pressing my tear stained face into his chest and letting out a small sob, wrapping my arms around him.

"I don't want you to hurt like I did," he told me, pulling me slightly closer and holding me.

"I don't want to hurt," I told him honestly, "But I don't know how to stop it." I noticed myself crying again, and his hands found their way to my arms, pulling me from his chest and he looked into my eyes.

"You can tell me," he assured me. But I shook my head, breaking eye contact and trying to look anywhere but his pleading face.

"I can't," I told him. "I want to...but,-" I cut myself off with a shaky sob and he pulled me closer again, his hand on the back of my head.

"It's okay," he soothed. "You don't have to."

"Thank you," I whispered. He nodded understandingly and stroked a hand through my hair.

We stayed like that until we'd both stopped crying. My tears soaked the front of his shirt, and I apoligised profusely. Gerard insisted it was okay. "It's only tears," he assured me, but I got so worked up about it that I decided to go home.It was almost midnight, and my mom would be worrying.

Mikey was asleep on the sofa downstairs when I left. Gerard saw me to the door and waved sadly as I got to the other side of the road, his mom appearing behind him. I waved to her too and turned the corner.

-

My mom was waiting at the front door for me, worry lathering her aging face.

"Frank Anthony Iero, you had me worried sick!" She scolded me, but pulled me in for a tight embrace before letting me go to my room. I just wanted to sleep. I was tired- exhausted. I collapsed onto my bed and kicked my converse off, pulling the sheets over me and closing my eyes.

But it was no use. I couldn't sleep. I fidgeted around for a while, before eventually giving up and standing, pulling my shirt and jeans off and throwing them in the growing laundry pile by my bed. I walked across the hallway to the bathroom, peeking my head around my mom's door; she was sleeping. The bathroom was cold as the window was open, but I didn't mind. I turned the shower on cold and pulled my boxers off.

I jumped slightly as the freezing water pounded on my back, but I forced myself to endure it. It helped me to untangle my thoughts and to relax- eventually.

What did Gerard mean by "Did you miss me?" I mean, I was ten. I'm pretty sure I wasn't mature enough to realize he was gone. But thinking back, did I miss him? I remember asking Mikey where he was a few times, but I never got a real reply.

"He's gone," or "Mommy sent him away," was all I got. What was I supposed to make of that at ten years old?

After twenty or so minutes, the cold water had successfully frozen my limbs, and I managed to pull myself away from it, wrapping myself in three towels and crossing the hall again to my bedroom. I closed my mom's door on the way.

When I opened my bedroom door, I shivered. It was colder in my room that it was in the bathroom. Glancing to the corner, I saw my window was open. Was it open when I got home? My mom never leaves windows open on a night, or in winter for that matter.

I sighed, starting towards the window, when something caught my eye.

Gasping for air, I choked slightly and almost lost my footing.

There was someone sat on my bed.

Notes

Okay so, I'm sorry about the long wait for the chapter. I'm going through a lot right now yada yada you don't want to hear this but here's chapter four. I hope you all enjoy it. Leave a comment on what you think c: