The Screaming Hope
it can sometimes really make you feel at your worst,
I only stay with her at school. I eat with her. I play with her. I only talk to her. I joke with her.
I read with her.
Every day since our first conversation, since one year, we came to the library of her house, our house, – after school and on every weekend too – and we read every book that crossed our sight. The amount of books I read was such that I even attacked the reading of Ethranian books, with the help of my dear Layla.
She has helped me so much.
I can say I’m over my mother’s death now, thanks to Layla; but I’m not fine, I’m in fact far from it; I still have this feeling when we talk about my mother. And I do know very well what type of feeling it is…
Revenge.
It’s not what I used to experience; I really think it’s more powerful than the revenge feeling I had, for example, when Brian conquered Lila, both of them entering into the agreement of never talk to me again. I craved to punch Brian during an entire week, but unfortunately I didn’t succeed due to our relocation.
But here, this feeling is multiplied by ten. At least. I mean, I couldn’t think properly from the six months following me and Layla’s first encounter, to now. And I doubt tomorrow to not be the same routine. When I say routine, I mean waking up, going to school, reading, but all of these activities punctuated by one thing: a mixture of… voices inside my head, sometimes telling me to… kill, or at least to make some real damages to… apply justice? I don’t even know. It prevents me from focusing, and it’s becoming compromising for me I think, like, how can I pay attention to the lesson when my body is beckoning me to search for the nearest sharp object? But then, I ask myself what would I make of a sharp object once I’d grab it, like, what would be the next step then?
And then comes the worst part.
Once I ask myself this question, the voices come together and form one sharp shout, printing the word they are shouting all over my mind, and I end up with the order KILL almost getting right up my nose.
But the worst of the worst part is that…
The sharp shout from the voices sounds just like the one my mother released when the flames finished to consume her.
I never missed someone that much.
But then I think of Layla, or I talk with her (if she’s available), and the voices just, stop. They really stop, like, there is actually a harsh dividing line between the moment I hear KILL overwhelming my ears and my mind, and the moment I think or talk with her.
It’s like she pushed a button “off” when my brain receive her name.
My eyes quickly scan the row of books I’m in front of, like I’ve done a million times at least, since one year, since I’ve got acquainted with this library.
Oh, a big gray book.
I read with her.
Every day since our first conversation, since one year, we came to the library of her house, our house, – after school and on every weekend too – and we read every book that crossed our sight. The amount of books I read was such that I even attacked the reading of Ethranian books, with the help of my dear Layla.
She has helped me so much.
I can say I’m over my mother’s death now, thanks to Layla; but I’m not fine, I’m in fact far from it; I still have this feeling when we talk about my mother. And I do know very well what type of feeling it is…
Revenge.
It’s not what I used to experience; I really think it’s more powerful than the revenge feeling I had, for example, when Brian conquered Lila, both of them entering into the agreement of never talk to me again. I craved to punch Brian during an entire week, but unfortunately I didn’t succeed due to our relocation.
But here, this feeling is multiplied by ten. At least. I mean, I couldn’t think properly from the six months following me and Layla’s first encounter, to now. And I doubt tomorrow to not be the same routine. When I say routine, I mean waking up, going to school, reading, but all of these activities punctuated by one thing: a mixture of… voices inside my head, sometimes telling me to… kill, or at least to make some real damages to… apply justice? I don’t even know. It prevents me from focusing, and it’s becoming compromising for me I think, like, how can I pay attention to the lesson when my body is beckoning me to search for the nearest sharp object? But then, I ask myself what would I make of a sharp object once I’d grab it, like, what would be the next step then?
And then comes the worst part.
Once I ask myself this question, the voices come together and form one sharp shout, printing the word they are shouting all over my mind, and I end up with the order KILL almost getting right up my nose.
But the worst of the worst part is that…
The sharp shout from the voices sounds just like the one my mother released when the flames finished to consume her.
I never missed someone that much.
But then I think of Layla, or I talk with her (if she’s available), and the voices just, stop. They really stop, like, there is actually a harsh dividing line between the moment I hear KILL overwhelming my ears and my mind, and the moment I think or talk with her.
It’s like she pushed a button “off” when my brain receive her name.
My eyes quickly scan the row of books I’m in front of, like I’ve done a million times at least, since one year, since I’ve got acquainted with this library.
Oh, a big gray book.
Notes
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@nuclearcloud
I'm not fantabulous, silly... But awww thank you ;)
3/7/14