The Screaming Hope
... you think he loves you...
I take his head out of the water.
The familiar sensation of the “What I’ve done?” is burning in my chest.
I lie him on a towel, on the floor. I observe the disaster that I have caused.
After 5 more seconds I finally have the guts to do the actions to revive him. Then, I clean the blood and rinse his mouth. I struggle to change his clothes. I clean his mouth again, water occasionally leaving his lungs. I clean one more time. And one more time.
As you can see, I execute all these actions nonchalantly.
Why?
I was completely shaken.
Why?
I, once again, was subjected to my impulses and I, ONCE AGAIN, harmed the only person that matters for me.
I just… I love Gerard so much, it hurts me on all sides of my body, both mentally and physically. He drives me crazy since 11 and a half years, and when I say crazy, it is in every way possible. I could die for him. I could let him watch me while I torture myself. I could reach the moon. I could…
I could go to Hell, let the pain invades my entrails just to prove my love for him.
Andnow I’m losing him!
My blood makes only a tour of my brain before an idea full of despair comes to my mind.
I gently lay my head on the top of the bed, and soon the rest of my body is following.
I arch my back, taking my shirt off. I take the blade I have beforehand pulled out of my bedside table’s drawer.
The blade is now inches from my chest. It approaches…
Until I’m completely cutting my skin, on the location of the heart.
I’m engraving his name on me. Tears are now flowing freely.
I don’t have anything to lose anymore.
My sight becomes more blurred each seconds. I can feel the salty water of my tears coupling with the giant amount of blood escaping my chest’s skin. My back is not lying on the bed’s sheets anymore.
It is lying on my blood. On liters and liters of my own blood. I throw up at this thought. I think I’m…
I’m living what I’ve put Gerard through.
Yeah. That’s it. I’m punishing myself. I do something great. The first great thing in years. I should therefore continue.
I raise the hand which is holding the blade in the air, looking at it.
The next second I see – albeit my sight is severely blurred – Gerard, standing above my head, tears flowing as freely as mines and the most shocked expression ever on his face.
It's been an hour that we're there, sitting on the bed without saying a word.
The shocked expression on Gerard has faded a little, but is still here though.
I take a deep breath, probably the deepest I’ve ever taken in a long time. I then take all my guts to finally let an “I love you” escape from my mouth.
Gerard looks up at me, staring at my chest’s scar.
A tear rolls down his face as he raises his right hand to encircle his name engraved in my chest with his forefinger. Then, he passed it over the bandages he applied on the actual letters’ scars.
- Does it… still hurt? He asked timidly.
- No, don’t worry… I think they can heal properly now.
Gerard lowers his head, staring at the freshly changed bed’s sheets.
It’s at this time that the events – and especially the bad events I’ve caused to my love – of the last 800 days have decided to show up, flashing before my eyes.
I burst out in tears, sobbing, screaming, exploding.
My heart seems like it wants to escape, causing my chest’s scars to hurt again.
I’ve never been in a crisis like this before.
Before I think of anything else I feel Gerard’s warm arms wrapped around my shaking waist.
That’s the first time he does something warmhearted to me voluntarily.
One more giant sob for my part before he tightens the hug, whispering in my right ear:
- Shhhh that’s okay Frank, calm down. It’s okay Baby, I’m here, I love you.
He loves me.
The familiar sensation of the “What I’ve done?” is burning in my chest.
I lie him on a towel, on the floor. I observe the disaster that I have caused.
After 5 more seconds I finally have the guts to do the actions to revive him. Then, I clean the blood and rinse his mouth. I struggle to change his clothes. I clean his mouth again, water occasionally leaving his lungs. I clean one more time. And one more time.
As you can see, I execute all these actions nonchalantly.
Why?
I was completely shaken.
Why?
I, once again, was subjected to my impulses and I, ONCE AGAIN, harmed the only person that matters for me.
I just… I love Gerard so much, it hurts me on all sides of my body, both mentally and physically. He drives me crazy since 11 and a half years, and when I say crazy, it is in every way possible. I could die for him. I could let him watch me while I torture myself. I could reach the moon. I could…
I could go to Hell, let the pain invades my entrails just to prove my love for him.
Andnow I’m losing him!
My blood makes only a tour of my brain before an idea full of despair comes to my mind.
I gently lay my head on the top of the bed, and soon the rest of my body is following.
I arch my back, taking my shirt off. I take the blade I have beforehand pulled out of my bedside table’s drawer.
The blade is now inches from my chest. It approaches…
Until I’m completely cutting my skin, on the location of the heart.
I’m engraving his name on me. Tears are now flowing freely.
I don’t have anything to lose anymore.
My sight becomes more blurred each seconds. I can feel the salty water of my tears coupling with the giant amount of blood escaping my chest’s skin. My back is not lying on the bed’s sheets anymore.
It is lying on my blood. On liters and liters of my own blood. I throw up at this thought. I think I’m…
I’m living what I’ve put Gerard through.
Yeah. That’s it. I’m punishing myself. I do something great. The first great thing in years. I should therefore continue.
I raise the hand which is holding the blade in the air, looking at it.
The next second I see – albeit my sight is severely blurred – Gerard, standing above my head, tears flowing as freely as mines and the most shocked expression ever on his face.
It's been an hour that we're there, sitting on the bed without saying a word.
The shocked expression on Gerard has faded a little, but is still here though.
I take a deep breath, probably the deepest I’ve ever taken in a long time. I then take all my guts to finally let an “I love you” escape from my mouth.
Gerard looks up at me, staring at my chest’s scar.
A tear rolls down his face as he raises his right hand to encircle his name engraved in my chest with his forefinger. Then, he passed it over the bandages he applied on the actual letters’ scars.
- Does it… still hurt? He asked timidly.
- No, don’t worry… I think they can heal properly now.
Gerard lowers his head, staring at the freshly changed bed’s sheets.
It’s at this time that the events – and especially the bad events I’ve caused to my love – of the last 800 days have decided to show up, flashing before my eyes.
I burst out in tears, sobbing, screaming, exploding.
My heart seems like it wants to escape, causing my chest’s scars to hurt again.
I’ve never been in a crisis like this before.
Before I think of anything else I feel Gerard’s warm arms wrapped around my shaking waist.
That’s the first time he does something warmhearted to me voluntarily.
One more giant sob for my part before he tightens the hug, whispering in my right ear:
- Shhhh that’s okay Frank, calm down. It’s okay Baby, I’m here, I love you.
He loves me.
@nuclearcloud
I'm not fantabulous, silly... But awww thank you ;)
3/7/14