*Frank*

Walking into the room I had to remember the name Gerard gave me, it had to be different so that she wouldn’t recognise ‘Frank Iero the missing kid’, which meant I also had to alter my appearance. I was now James Turner.

I remained silent as I took a seat across from the woman. I looked at her confused; there was something about her I couldn’t put my finger on.

She must’ve noticed my questioning gaze as she spoke up. “Don’t be afraid to ask” she smiled. I stayed silent hoping she would just move on. I still couldn’t tear my eyes away from her though.

“I’m transsexual” she admitted. Oh, that kinda made sense.

“Anyway moving on, I’m Mrs Tack. From what Mr Way has told me, there are a few issues we need discuss” Mrs Tack explained.

I merely nodded.

“Would you like to say anything about the previous events?” she asked.

I shrugged nonchalantly.

“Mr Turner? James, you were raped, that is a disgusting crime and often the cause of physical and emotional damage. Now, after falling victim to such a traumatic event, you are bound to have certain troubles. Mr Way has told me one of the main problems is depression” she spoke softly.

I didn’t respond as I stared blankly at her.

“James, if you’re just going to ignore me, I may as well leave now” she said as she began walking to the door.

“No, wait.” I sighed, defeated as she turned around smiling triumphantly.

“I’ll tell you everything” I whispered.

“I-I was raped by someone who blamed me for something that was beyond my control. I still feel guilty; someone took their own life because of me. I am the reason an innocent person died! I should’ve died instead, everything would be easier. Ever since the day I was r-raped, I have felt dirty, unclean. I just want to die, to escape the pain. I always feel lower than everyone else; I always put myself in a position that is lower than everyone else.

I can’t cope anymore, constantly feeling worthless, stupid. Feeling as if I were a mistake, feeling like no one would give a fuck if I died. That’s part of the reason I began self-harming, it’s a release, something that I find comfort in, something that I’m addicted to. Something that makes me feel numb. Also because I deserve pain, I deserve to be punished.

Before I was r-raped, I, uh, I was getting depressed, even if I wasn’t certain at the time, I now know that that was the beginning of this black hole I keep falling deeper and deeper into. At that stage I was able to hide it from people simply by plastering a fake smile on my face, but of course pretending never made it easier, I didn’t expect it to. Since that point I’ve given up. I am doomed to live a life of tragedy and pain. What is the point of living like a shell of my former self? I have absolutely nothing to live for.

I’ve learnt the real meaning of pain and sadness these past months, it’s something I can’t prevent and that scares me. If I carry on like this then I’m sure one thing will lead to another and I will end up taking my life. I have no one to talk to, all my friends believe my false façade; they don’t notice a difference as long as I am putting up this false pretence.

I-I’m sorry.” I concluded.

Mrs Tack looked at me, tears pooling in her eyes.

“James, what you have had to go through is unbearable, but please don’t ever feel like suicide is the way out. There will always be someone, you’re not alone. I’m going to prescribe you some antidepressants and we will talk more next session. Thank you and goodbye Mr Turner” she said.

I exited the room to find Gerard.

As I walked into the waiting room, I found Gerard hunched over with his face in his hands.

“Gee?” I asked.

He looked up startled, furiously wiping off the tears soaking his face.

I felt ashamed, “You heard?” I whispered.

He pulled me into a hug as he nodded.

“Yes”

Notes

So kinda depressing...

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Lots of love

Miss MCR