Sweet Revenge

Sarah was sore and aching by the time Gerard had decided to give up on her for the day. She wished she could say that her aim had improved by the end of the hour, but it felt like she was worse off by the end of it. The sun was beating down on them with a vengeance, making her uncomfortable in her own skin as the sweat poured down her overheated skin. Gerard was flushed in the face, but otherwise seemed unaffected by the heat. He didn’t give Sarah a chance to take a break once they got started.

“You have no concept of spatial awareness, or how to judge distance. Are you sure you don’t need glasses?” Gerard asked, his tone genuine when he asked as he towed his gun away safely away from Sarah’s hands and into his holster.

“There’s nothing wrong with my eyesight,” Sarah ground out between gritted teeth.

“I can honestly say, I’ve never met someone who sucks at shooting as much as you do. I actually wished I was filming you, to show to the new recruits how not to shoot.” Gerard laughed.

“You’re a dick,” Sarah spat, her patience wearing thin at Gerard’s juvenile behaviour.

Gerard just smiled, his teeth showing in all their white glory, mocking Sarah’s anger.

“Sugar, you asked for it. I’m not saying nothing that ain’t true. Maybe you should go back home, if you can’t handle it.”

It was a combination of things that caused Sarah’s heart to beat frantically, as an unbidden rush of adrenaline kicked into her system. It wasn’t just the words themselves, heard often over the years when Michael needed to remind her of just how alone she was, that made her swear she had stepped back into her past; it was the derision behind them, the New Jersey drawl that clung to every syllable. The way Gerard stood behind her, looking down on her, with scorn in his eyes. It was the familiar feeling of humiliation, of feeling like she was worthless, and incapable of doing anything right.

She tried to take control of her breathing. She closed her eyes and told herself that it was nothing but her mind making her feel the fear that coursed through her veins. She swallowed, took in a gasping breath, in a refusal to let the panic win. She couldn’t let it keep winning – she couldn’t let every reminder of the past reduce her to a blubbering mess on the ground.

Her lungs didn’t want to listen to her, though. They were still taking in too much oxygen at the behest of her irrational brain, which wanted her to believe she wasn’t breathing enough. Everything around her was drowned out as she hunched over, not ready to give up the fight against the part of her brain that was going in flight mode, debilitating her.

She heard a mumbled “Are you shitting me?”, before she felt a hand on her back.

“Sarah, you’re okay. You’re safe.Nothing is going to hurt you.”

The words were heard, and somewhat comforting, but there was no immediate effect. Sarah bit her lip, hoping the pain would bring her back, and force her to focus on something other than the fear.

The hand on her back was rubbing soothing circles, and it provided Sarah with enough of a distraction for her to not completely lose herself to the panic that wanted to take over. Sarah counted to ten in her mind, then twenty, and continued on until she reached seventy five. Her breathing had evened out, her mind felt clearer, and her body was trembling in an unpleasant way. Gerard’s hand didn’t leave her lower back – he had kept a steady, warming pace to his shockingly comforting touch.

It struck Sarah that it was the most contact she had had with a man since Michael had last touched her. Even if Sarah didn’t have to hide behind a new identity, and didn’t have a crippling anxiety issue that appeared during stressful situations, she still had no interest in the opposite sex, or any sex, for that matter. Michael had killed off any desire to be with anyone. It was her need for Michael that had led her into the nightmare that had once been her existence, and now that she had another person to look after and consider, she had no intention of ever letting herself fall into the same trap again. If she were fool enough to fall so completely for someone once, there was no reason why it couldn’t happen again. So, Sarah distanced herself from any situation that could lend her the opportunity to do something so irrational again. Sure, she worked, but she worked in a female dominated office, and had limited contact with others for the majority of her working day.

“Are you okay now?”

Gerard’s voice sounded clear in the silence of their surroundings. Bilbo had trotted over to stand beside Sarah’s crouched form, but he watched the scene, rather than intervene, as he had done on previous occasions. Gerard mused that Bilbo must have sensed that, for once, Gerard was on top on things.

“Yeah…sorry,” Sarah’s voice was tight and breathless.

“Do you see a shrink for them?”

Gerard couldn’t help his curiosity. In the short time he had been around Sarah, she had more panic attacks then he had ever seen. It made him uncomfortable, and on edge, knowing that it seemingly only took a word or a look to trigger them in her. It was the only thing that explained her sudden attack.

“No. It’s kinda hard to talk to someone when you can’t exactly tell them the truth about who you are.”

“Shame, seems like you could really do with it.”

Sarah straightened up, throwing Gerard’s hand off her with a vicious shove. She turned on him like a viper ready to strike, catching Gerard off guard to his chagrin.

“That’s a bit rich, coming from you.”

Gerard’s spine went rigid, his body ready for the verbal attack that appeared to be heading his way.

“Want does that mean?”

Sarah scoffed.

“Oh please, even you have to see your…dependency issues with alcohol.”

Gerard’s eye twitched dangerously.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he hissed.

Sarah raised a delicate eyebrow, her face full of scorn and mock sympathy that only served to heat Gerard’s anger.

“Right…all those cans you have stocked up in your apartment are just for decoration? What about the beers you brought here? Tell me, what’s the longest you can go without drinking yourself in a stupor to get through the night?”

“Shut your fucking mouth,” Gerard took a threatening step forward, his previous calm, self-controlled exterior breaking, as Sarah hit a nerve that struck too close to the truth for Gerard’s comfort.

Sarah took a step back, a little shocked by how quickly Gerard’s demeanour changed. In less than sixty seconds, he turned one eighty, setting Sarah on edge. She swallowed nervously. She thought about backing down when she saw the blaze in his eyes, the one that told her that she had gone too far this time. She couldn’t, though. Maybe she just wanted to see if she could push him to snap completely. He claimed to be nothing like Michael, and part of her desperately wanted him to prove it. She wanted some kind of proof that Michael was the exception, and not a indicator of every man she was going to come across.

“Or what? You gonna beat me down to keep me quiet?”

“Don’t you fucking dare-“ he cut himself off, nostrils wide with fury, “Let’s get one thing fucking straight. I’m doing you a favour right now. You think I owe you anything? You are nothing to me. Got that? Nothing. I don’t give a fucking shit about your issues, or your anger, or your fucking self-entitlement. I don’t give a shit. I’m not here for you. What I do in my own time is none of your business. Any thoughts or opinions you may have about my life, you keep to yourself.”

Sarah stood her ground while Gerard loomed over her, a feat that was nothing short of miraculous. It was a testament to her stubborn nature, which had always won out in her younger years. She held her breath, clenched her fists and did her best to not flinch.

“Wow, so much for being nothing like your brother.Tell me, is intimating women just a kink for you, or do you just enjoy being an asshole?”

Gerard stilled, his face a blank canvas, his eyes boring into Sarah’s without blinking. Slowly, he took a step back, and a slow smirk tugged at his lips.

“No, I just don’t tolerate spoilt princesses who think the world owes them something, because life screwed them over. Tell me, do you ever wonder if it was your fault that Mikey snapped? Because, honestly, I wouldn’t be fucking surprised.”

Gerard didn’t wait for Sarah to respond. He turned on his heel and walked away from Sarah, and the source of his frustration. He didn’t lock himself away in his room this time. He grabbed a six pack from the fridge, before he decided to take a walk and see where his feet would take him. He didn’t care where he ended up; he just needed to get away from the woman who was driving him to the brink of his patience.

Sarah was riveted to the spot in the wake of Gerard’s words. They were hurtful, spiteful, completely soul-destroying, and they made Sarah consider the one question that she had never been able to answer.

Had Michael’s actions been her fault?

Notes

As stated on my other updates, I apologise for the lack of updating. I've been MIA, due to starting a new job and having to move to the city and other stuff. I'm all settled in my new place though, and I've adjusted to my work schedule, so I plan on going back to regular updates now that I have a routine of sorts.

Anyway, if you have any thoughts, please let me know. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Lyra xx

(PS, I have a twitter account- follow me @MCR_Lyra, where you can ask me questions, remind me to update or just say hello)