When You're Too In Love To Let It Go (Frerard One-Shot)

"In the middle of a gun fight...
In the center of a restaurant...
They say, 'Come with your arms raised high!'" The lyrics belted out of his mouth almost automatically, the words permanently imprinted into his psyche. He smirked as he held the mic close to his lips, beads of sweat dripping from his hair.

He looked at the guitarist to his left, smiling as the younger man sung backup, adding a synchronized harmony between them. It was almost beautiful, even though the song was angered.

Everything seemed to be so mellow but, even the roaring mob of fans knew what would be coming after these calmed words. The singer pranced over to the edge of the stage, glancing at all his adoring friends--as he called them.

They weren't just admirers, they were peers, people who got him to this level of success. They helped him to get here, so he didn't just consider them as fans.

They were much more important than that.

"Well, they're never gonna get me,
Like a bullet through a flock of doves...
To wage this war against your faith in me,
Your life...will never be the same.
On your mother's eyes, say a prayer...say a prayer!" As soon as those lyrics left his lips the tempo began beating faster, abandoning it's original speed. The lights, the crowd, everything was in front of his very eyes, moving so quickly.

It seemed surreal, that only 3 years ago they were just releasing their first album, inexperienced and new to this whole world of popularity.

In a way, he wished that he could go back where it all started, when life wasn't becoming worse for him. That's what he wanted the most, not all this fame and money. It all came with a price, and Gerard knew it.

Hard times were catching up with him, he was reminded of this as his alcohol fueled mind commanded him to go over to his band mate. They looked at each other briefly before locking lips.

It was quick and messy, yet filled with lust. It was only a moment before they pulled away, a trail of spit showing what had just occurred. The fans began screaming, chanting their names over and over again. The pair smiled at each other, their faces flushed.

"Now, but I can't
And I don't know
How we're just two men as God had made us,
Well, I can't...well, I can!
Too much, too late, or just not enough of this
Pain in my heart for your dying wish,
I'll kiss your lips again!" He sang, walking back to the middle of the stage, still tingling from that heat of the moment action. He could tell it drove the fans crazy to see this so he used it to his advantage, the truth being he wanted the guitarist, Frank.

He of course, blamed it on wanting to excite the crowd but to him it was more than just a adrenaline fueled movement.
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"Great show, guys!" Brian praised, high fiving them all with his heavily tattooed arm. Gerard giggled, feeling nauseous from all that booze. His body felt a relieving high, his energy being converted into his performance on stage.

Everything felt right but it wasn't enough for the 27 year old. He needed more of this ecstasy riddled feeling, he didn't know exactly how he would get it but he had an idea. He needed something other than the beer, something to make this daze feel even more intense.

His brother, Mikey, scurried off, his bass slung over his lanky shoulder. They soon disbanded, leaving Gerard alone with Frank. He plopped down on the couch next to him, his legs feeling weak. Frank smiled slightly, sitting next to the singer.

"You did amazing, Gee!" He gushed, using Gerard's nickname. The older man squealed when he heard that, his drunken mind finding everything exciting and funny. They could hear the boom of music as the next band finished, coming to where the two men were.

The concert was breathtaking thus far, filled with so many talented people. Frank was astonished by how far they had gotten, they were playing next to some of their all time favorite bands.

Even though there were some people he would rather not see...

"Hey guys!" A voice cheered, causing them to shift their gazes.

Frank scowled slightly as he saw none other than Bert McCracken from The Used, the very man who encouraged Gerard to drink even though it was damaging his health and the band.

It had been going on for over a year now, ever since Gerard's grandmother died. He found comfort in drinking alcohol, it helped him, or at least that's what he thought.

Frank had tried to convince him many times to quit but it always fell on deaf ears. He hated Bert for doing this to his friend, ruining what could be a normal life. It was repulsive.

"Heyyyy!" Gerard slurred, obviously drunk. Bert cracked a smile, noticing how shit faced he was.

The guitarist rolled his eyes, enraged how Gerard could do this to himself. It wasn't a good situation, especially since Bert always took advantage of him.

"So you want to come with Jeph and Quinn to get some drinks with me? I heard they're bringing something special." He informed the singer, winking at the end of it.

Frank could tell was he was inferring at and it just made him even more sickened.

Drugs.

Gerard nodded furiously, getting up and stumbling behind the other man. Frank gripped his friend's arm, shooting him a warning glare.

"I'm not sure if this is a good idea, Gee..." He said gently, keeping his tone soft.

Bert scoffed, pushing his long black hair out of his face. He moved closer, roughly removing Frank's latch onto Gerard.

"Let the guy live a little! Geez, what are you? His mother?" He mocked. Frank could feel anger rumbling in his core but he tried to keep it hidden.

Bert slung his arm over Gerard's shoulders, leading him away.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were his boyfriend or somethin' Faggy Frankie!" He snickered, leaving the guitarist by himself.
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"Do it Gerard, I promise you it'll feel so great."

The needle pierced his skin, a slight burn erupting in that spot. His fear of the wretched metal was long forgotten, of course with the help of large amounts of alcohol. The liquid surged through his veins, feeling greater then he expected it to.

Everything seemed to disappear.

He didn't remember the death of his grandmother.

His never ending depression.

The faulty pills they cursed upon him.

It was all fading away, his mind losing touch with reality. Everything was blurry, almost as if it wasn't real.

It was a dream-like state.

He smiled as he fumbled away, making his way home after this long day filled with new narcotics he surely would love to experience again.

Bert was right.

It felt awesome.
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Frank winced as the bottle came in contact with the dirtied floor, shattering into immense chunks of brown glass. Gerard giggled at this, his drunken mind finding the situation funny.
They had been in this position many times before, Gerard being the one who was being bombarded with the side affects of alcohol. Frank only drank on occasion, never getting shit faced.

He stumbled over to the younger man, his stringy hair falling into his face. His scarlet tie remained loosely around his alabaster neck, the knot slightly ruffled in appearance. His attire was no different than it had been on stage.

He still had on the black button up, along with tight skinny jeans.

Frank exhaled, his voice strained with disappointment and anger.

Had Gerard not heard his words?

Did he even care?

Frank had poured his heart and soul into expressing his emotions regarding the monster his friend was becoming many times. Gerard wasn't himself when he drank, he never was.

Yet even after the millionth time, he still went with Bert. Choosing some asshole over his true peer.

He cared for Gerard, maybe a little more than he was supposed to.

It was hard for Frank to see his best friend, his love, kill themself like this. It would surely be a painful death, considering all the narcotics Gerard was putting into his body.

Frank felt betrayed, and most of all angry. He was nothing to Gerard obviously if this had happened.

"Wh-h-here are you goingggg Franki-e-eeeee....?" He slurred, his words contorted into one huge jumble.

Frank ran a hand through his darkened fringe, keeping his expression blank.

"Somewhere else...." He murmured bitterly, not caring to be the one to hold Gerard's hand as he purged in a toilet.

This was happening way too frequently.

It wasn't healthy, and he knew the older man was aware of that troubling fact.

Gerard frowned, his hazel eyes narrowing.

"Whyyyy are you leavingggg meeeee?" He questioned, stepping closer to the guitarist, almost cornering him in the side of the room.

Frank looked up, meeting the gaze of his irritated band member. Gerard had a good 6 inches on the younger man, he was also stronger and not as scrawny.

The situation wasn't good, especially since Gerard had drugs injected into him.

His train of thought would obviously not be clear enough to decipher right from wrong.

"Because you're drunk." Frank stated bluntly, his amber eyes being casted towards the floor boards.

He peered around, looking for some of his friends, this wouldn't end well. He could tell.
He internally cursed himself for not going with them to the studio, knowing that Gerard would turn up sooner or later.

Gerard stumbled closer, shifting his weight messily. He lifted his hands up, in a way to balance himself.

" 'm not drunk, just a 'lil tipsy." He insisted, his distorted vocabulary giving away the truth.

Frank backed up, wanting to be far away from the animal his love was becoming. He could see it in his eyes that this wasn't Gerard.

Gerard wasn't with us anymore.

He gulped silently, dreading what havoc Gerard would cause once he had him.

Gerard smirked when he noticed Frank had no where to run, he moved forward, pinning the younger man against the wall.

He began nuzzling his sweaty face against the band members neck, keeping a tight grip on his small shoulders.

Gerard pecked the sensitive skin, sucking roughly on one particular spot, not caring that it would leave a scarily pigmented mark. Frank gasped at the feeling of Gerard pressed up against him, for once not in front of thousands of hormonal teens.

He wanted it for so long....

Then why did it feel so wrong?

The alcohol tinted atmosphere littered Frank's smell, reeking of cheap beer and marijuana. Frank struggled under the older man's grasp, squirming uncomfortably as Gerard latched himself onto another portion of Frank's collarbone.

This wasn't right, Frank knew it. Gerard was taking advantage of him, as much as he loved him, he couldn't do this.

He couldn't loose his virginity like this.

"Gerard--" Frank groaned, more bitchy than pleasure filled. He wanted Gerard to know that it was time to end this, that he didn't want this.

The singer ignored him, instead moving upwards towards Frank's cherry red lips. The shorter man's eyes widened in shock as he stared directly at his friend, he looked so dazed and lust filled.

This was just proof that Gerard wasn't himself, and that this needed to stop.

Now.

Before Frank could protest, Gerard slammed his mouth to Frank's, mixing with a clash of a vodka and cigarette taste. The band member moved his lips against the guitarist's, noticing that he wasn't kissing back.

Gerard didn't really care though, his fuzzed mind was only concerned about getting his relief.

Teeth and spit were involved into the kiss, it was something Frank had never experienced before. It was rough and not at all kind. He was angry at Gerard for doing this, he obviously didn't want it.

He placed his hands onto Gerard's firm chest, pushing as hard as he could.

"Stop!" Frank hollered, watching as Gerard fumbled backwards, not falling but looking extremely pissed.

Gerard grimaced, stomping towards his friend. He wanted this and Gerard always got what he wanted.

He shoved him against the wall, causing a surge of agony to flow up Frank's back. He glared directly in his face, giving a crooked smile.

"You're mine now. There's no stopping this." His voice was laced with venom, not sounding like the Gerard Frank knew.

The real Gerard would never hurt a fly.

The real Gerard cared for his friends.

The real Gerard would never rape.

Sadly for Frank, this new version of his former pal showed no mercy. Only anger and lust, a deadly combination for someone as weak as Frank.

Hot tears streamed down his reddened cheeks, fearing the pain of sex, fearing the fact that the one he loved was hurting him like this.

How could he?

Frank's eyes were glossed over with empty cries as Gerard began unbuttoning his jeans, pulling them off completely. Frank closed his eyes, experiencing utter pain as the singer tossed him onto the bed.

His body trembled with overall terror as he realized what would happen next.

He could only hope that it didn't hurt as much as he heard it did.

Gerard leaned down, sticking his face near Frank's ear.

"Don't even bother screaming, no one will hear you. You'll only make it worse for yourself, sugar." He cackled, his voice hollow and menacing.

Frank knew this wasn't a lie, they were on the top floor, the master suite specifically, far away from anyone who couldn't afford to be on this level.

Which was all of the hotel population.

The guys wouldn't come back by later, but then it would be too late.

Gerard would have already had his way with Frank.

He would be tainted, unpure. Who would love him then?

Frank opened his eyes, revealing a half dressed Gerard, ready to remove his remaining articles of clothing.

"Please Gee, please don't.....Don't hurt me please...I love you....Please...." He begged, his voice weak and strained. Muffled sobs came out from the back of his throat, hoping Gerard would change his mind.

Simply praying he wouldn't be hurt like this.

Gerard only smiled, stroking Frank's shoulders.

"I'll make you feel so good." He moaned, caught up in his visions of what would be coming soon after.

Frank shut his eyes, allowing a few tears to escape. There was no way out of this.

He was done for......
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An innocuous pounding ringed violently within his head, throbbing to the point where it was unbearable. It was almost like being hit over the skull multiple times, only to have serious damage done. His hips felt beaten, almost as if he was slamming them against something over and over again.

Gerard's stomach churned as he groaned, stretching his arms upwards, banging them on the mahogany board of the bed. His eyes remained squeezed shut, his pixie nose crinkled due to ultimate discomfort.

Gerard allowed his eyes to flutter open, the brightness of the windows causing him to be momentarily blinded. He held his pale hand upwards, using it to prevent some of the sun from getting in his vision

He glanced downwards at his body, his breathing hitching out of fearfulness. From the neck down he was nude, the white comforter only covering his waist and cock. It was a surprising scene, making him wonder what the hell had happened last night.

His memories were disconnected, almost like a puzzle that was just pulled from the box.
The last image he had was of the needle piercing his skin, the feeling of narcotics invading his blood stream, giving him a relieving high. He could feel as he pressed down the syringe, allowing the liquid to cure his troubles. He moved his arm towards the side, feeling the empty space next to him. His mind wandered, thinking where his band mate could be.

They had to share the bed due to their low funds, and the fact that their weren't many nice rooms in this place. Gerard wouldn't be surprised if you just got the clap from just sitting on a toilet seat.

Frank... He thought, trying to think of last night to find where his friend could possibly be.
He let out a choked noise as the scenes began flooding back, vividly and in motion.
____________________________________________
"Gerard please!" Frank sobbed underneath him, causing him only to smile in response.
The older man kept up his violating movements, not really caring whether he hurt him or not. He was gentle at first but as Frank got more desperate to be released the rougher he became.

His alcohol glazed mind only found pleasure in doing these horrible actions, the drugs making him unable to decipher right from wrong.

All he knew that this was an enjoyable task, even though he was hurting his best friend unintentionally.

He cackled as Frank began crying harder, not stopping this madness until his got a relief.

But even then, the guitarist continued weeping, curling around his naked frame, his thin arms resting on his knees.

Gerard only fell asleep.....
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The singer eyes filled with tears as he watched the visions unravel, the view of his best friend in pain, the sight of sperm and carelessness as he took his virginity. It was so wrong, so disgusting. He could only loathe himself right now, wishing he was the one to be raped instead of Frank, wishing god would just kill him now.

He couldn't live with these memories.

He couldn't live with knowing he permanently damaged the one he loved the most.

All these years spent with stupid stage kisses, lies about how Frerard was never real when in the end, he had feelings for his long term friend, only for this to happen, ruining their relationship, turning it into shattered pieces and painful occurrences.

The truth was that he loved Frank, he would go to the ends of the world for him. Gerard could tell their feelings were never mutual, especially now.

He sat upwards in the bed, keeping the blanket shielding his lower body. His rubbed his hands over his tear stained face, removing the lone streams. His black hair drifted into his sight, only to be pushed away by his spider-like fingers. His buried his head in his palms, shaking his head.

"Why...why....why...why...." He repeated, on the verge of crying once more. Gerard had ruined everything, he felt disgusted by himself, hating the animal inside him that had been released. It was a never ending hatred for his very own self.

He knew this would never go away until the day he'd die.

He had taken the innocence and virginity of the one he loved in the brutal form of rape.
The sound of a door creaking open littered his hearing, the door closing gently, almost as if the person was trying not to disrupt something important. Gerard reluctantly looked up, his face puffy and red.

There stood Frank holding a glass of water and two capsules of Aspirin with trembling hands, his glossy eyes tinted pink.

".....Hi...." He whispered with a saddened expression, his gaze never meeting Gerard's.

His ashy colored fringe was thrown around messily, looking wet from possibly a shower or bath. His short body was covered with a long indigo hoodie and some tarnished sweatpants. His skin looked raw, almost as if it were scrubbed violently with scolding hot water.

Gerard didn't reply, only sobbing harder as Frank stepped forward, cautious as he put the two objects he held on top of the dresser. He went away slightly, only a foot away from the bed. He put his arms behind his back, looking scared and insecure.

"Why?" Gerard asked, showing no emotion in his voice.

Frank ignored the tears that yearned to fall, remembering the events of yesterday.

"What?" He choked out.

Gerard shook his head, lifting it up to look at Frank. The younger man gasped as he saw the trails of water that leaked down his love's face.

"Why did you stay?" He questioned, his voice riddened with tremors.

Frank hung his head down low, knowing that there was only once reason he stayed. That he made sure Gerard wasn't alone when he woke up from his hangover, only to suffer with the memories alone.

He didn't respond.

"Why Frank?! Why?!" Gerard hollered, his voice cracking.

Frank opened his mouth to speak, only to close it as Gerard continued rambling.

"Do you not understand? I raped you! I fucking raped you!" He screamed, on the verge of being driven insane by all this self hatred.

The other man remained silent, listening to the blunt honesty of this horrible situation they were in.

"Why did you stay? .....Why.......?" He whispered, the rage disappearing from his words, only drifting into sorrow.

Frank looked up, crying quietly.

"Because I love you....." He said gently.

Gerard's eyes widened in shock as he heard the one he cared about say this, even after he had put him through hell.

Frank had forgiven him.

Frank loved him.

The guitarist stepped closer, crawling his way onto the bed and next to Gerard. His band mate weeped loudly, his sobs being heard throughout the room.

"I'm so sorry, Frank....I'm so sorry....." He stuttered, his voice wrecked. Frank ran his hands along his love's back, stroking the bare skin. It hurt to move of course but the pain was bearable, during that night, Gerard had been careful enough not to harm him severely, even though it still hurt.

Frank leaned into the singer, wrapping his arms around the older man as he crawled onto his lap. Gerard sobbed into the small boy's shoulder, holding him close to his chest. Frank couldn't help but respond with muffled cries.

He was being held by the very man he should despise when all he felt was a broken heart and love.

Their bodies were intertwined together, Frank's legs being wrapped around the older man's waist. He traced patterns onto Gerard's back using his fingertips, moving them in a soothing motion.

He knew the singer wasn't himself that night, with all the alcohol and drugs he could have never been.

The real Gerard would never hurt Frank.

The older man pulled away slightly, allowing him to look into Frank's eyes. They were clouded with tears but, even then they were a vibrant hazel, swirls of amber and green mixed into the beautiful irises.

Frank exhaled, sadness still residing in his emotions.

Gerard brushed the strands of hair away from Frank's face, allowing him to view the other man as he caressed his cheek. He leaned closer, next to his ear, bringing back horrid memories for the guitarist.

"You can never love me. Not after what I've done...." He whispered, pulling away when he was finished.

His hands moved up and down Frank's forearms, the fabric bunching every time he made a motion. He kept his sharp gaze, even though on the inside he just wanted to breakdown even more.

Frank needed someone better, someone who would never hurt him. Despite Gerard's undying love, he couldn't be selfish and keep his friend around to satisfy his own feelings.

If you love something, you have to let it go.

And that's exactly what Gerard planned on doing.

Frank shook his head, leaning closer.

"You can't tell me what I feel...I will never stop loving you...Through thick and thin....."

He closed the gap inbetween them, their lips colliding and moving slowly together. It was passion fueled, feeling right instead of how last night had been. It made butterflies arise in Frank's stomach.

Gerard's lips were chapped and moist, unlike Frank's plush mouth. The two opposites worked on each other, not using tongue for the sake of keeping this innocent. They didn't want to do anything, since of course what had happened.

Frank needed to heal, it wouldn't happen the blink of the eye but through it all, whatever would happen, Gerard would never leave him.

His mind was cluttered with the thoughts of last night, reminding him of what a monster he was. The self loathing was eating at his very core.

Frank could forgive him.

But Gerard could never forgive himself.

He felt like a guilty man, a terrible person who deserved to be punished in the worst way possible. Frank never deserved to be violated. He was a good-natured, kind soul unlike Gerard.

They pulled away, a blush residing on Frank's cheeks. Gerard sighed, looking away.

"I want you to be happy....I-I-I-I hurt you Frankie....I hurt you so much.....I don't want to cause you anymore pain...." He murmured.

Frank held on tighter to Gerard, almost straddling him.

"If you want me to be happy then you'd let me be with you."

Gerard couldn't believe the words that were coming out of Frank's mouth, it almost made him
sound delusional.

He had raped him.

Could he not see this?

All Gerard wanted to do was close his eyes and never wake up, to spare his friend from any more misery. He cared too much to hurt the guitarist anymore.

His own selfish agenda yearned for this to happen, to move on with life together, regardless of the pain that would be unleashed. It would be too much for them both, causing further emotional trauma.

In this moment, everything felt right, their bodies close together, making up after all these horrid events. Self hatred filled the desolate land Gerard called a mind, taunting him with what had happened.

He couldn't allow this to occur.

For Frank's sake.
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He itched his arms, scratching the raw skin roughly, leaving pink marks tracing in various patterns. His body felt as if bugs were crawling all over it, the constant aura of dirtiness making him feel revolted by him self. Even after his shower with blistering hot water, he couldn't help but feel unpure, as if he was unlike the rest of society.

When others would talk about the wonders of their 'first time' he would be stuck with the haunting remembrance of rape his loved one had committed.

Frank felt repulsive.

Even though forgiveness filled his heart, he felt betrayed and idiotic. Almost as if he could have done more to stop it, to spare him and Gerard. He knew that this was a secret that would only remain with the two of them. Any sane person would call Frank a psycho for being in love with his attacker, the Narcomaniac who raped him.

The thing was, he didn't love the things Gerard did. It was blatantly obvious that he wasn't on the right side of life at this moment. He found his escape through addictions, even though it wasn't healthy in the slightest bit.

Frank loved the singer for who he was. The caring man who saved lives, the one who would give away everything just to help a person. During this time, Frank tried thinking of the fond memories between them. When everything was simpler.

Life was perfect, just like on the screen. He loathed that this happened, that their lives were ruined by the monster known as drugs. Through it all, he wanted to stick by his love, to help him get over his various addictions.

It would be a whole different story if the sexual assault was intentional and Gerard was in the right state of mind, Frank didn't even know what he'd do then. He was able to accept that Gerard was temporarily ill and Frank just happened to be there at the wrong time.

He loved the older man for so many years, he couldn't just throw it all away, no matter how deluded he sounded.
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His heart beated in tiny stutters, the organ pounding rapidly in his chest. He could feel the unbearable burning sensation as he was penetrated, reliving the memories that were buried deep in his subconscious.

His breathing hitched, watching as it all unfolded, not being able to do anything. The screams, agonizing screams could be heard as he felt nothing but complete and utter pain. It was almost as if he was tearing at the seams, his body being ripped in half.

His head felt faint as all the emotions came flooding back, dizzying him with the rapid succession. Surges of agony filled his frame, causing him to drop to his knees as he viewed his body being treated like nothing but a rag doll.

This whole thing was like watching a movie, causing massive amounts of pain. He shivered violently in the corner as he witnessed everything in a different point of view. He couldn't help as the tears flooded into his eyes, his voice shouting for somebody to help him.

Gerard didn't pay any mind to the boy in the side of the room, focusing on Frank's body as he violated him.

"Please! Stop!" He shrieked, wanting this memory to end, sick of hearing all the grunts and groans of pleasure.

He could feel as a panic attack settled in, retrieving torturous symptoms. He felt weak, useless, as he couldn't do anything to save himself.

It was nothing but a haunting remembrance that could never be altered. It was even more sickening that he had to relive this traumatizing experience. A part of him couldn't believe he was in love with his attacker, the one who hurt him like this.

A portion of his mind screamed for him to run, to leave Gerard forever, to not face the possibility of being hurt again.

Could he ever be normal?

Would they ever be able to make love without causing insufferable flashbacks?

If they were to have a relationship it would surely be problematic, all this history would just come flooding back to wound them both. Gerard already felt immense amounts of self hatred for himself, Frank could tell he wouldn't ever be able to forgive himself for this.

Even though he had already had for him.

He loved Gerard.

He loved him so much it hurt.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

He was too in love to let it all go.
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The days passed, possibly the slowest it had ever been. The two men isolated themselves from society, thanking god that their tour was over, just ending in their home state of Jersey.

They surely weren't in the mood to preform, to feign happiness when all they felt was complete and utter misery.

They were glad that it would be a while before they stepped back on stage for another concert, it wasn't something they wanted to do robotically.

Their shows were fun, exciting, not mundane and filled with half-assed performances. They wanted something much more for their fans. They didn't get this far in creating something so amazing to only demolish it in the end. Disasterology was not on their list.

They cared for their admirers too much.

No one besides the two knew about the rape, it was too much of a troubling topic to discuss. Even between them. They were both healing, Gerard taking it the worse. It was a never ending battle inside his mind of self despising, he wanted Frank to be his, he wanted him so bad, but after what he had done, he wasn't sure if that was possible.

Regardless of Frank's yearning to be with the older man, he couldn't allow himself to hurt their potential relationship.

History would come back to haunt them, they could never have a clean slate. Virginity isn't something to be taken lightly after all, especially if it was captured so horribly. They hadn't really spoken, going their separate ways for a short while.

They both just needed time to think about this.

The guilt was gnawing at his very core, making Gerard feel excruciating pain for what he had done. He couldn't have Frank love him, he couldn't hurt him again. He knew it was too late for that, you can't just make someone fall out of love with you.

"You can't tell me what I feel...I will never stop loving you...Through thick and thin....."

He held his hand to his heart, listening to it beat slowly, reminding him of the fact that he was alive and well. This wasn't some nightmare.

It was nothing but a cruel reality.
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His eyes wandered to the far corner of the room, disregarding his abandoned guitar. Life was getting rougher for the young adult, the rape filling his thoughts most of the time.

Frank never thought in a million years it would happen to him. He had heard horror stories of men and women being hurt in that way but it just didn't even cross his mind that it could happen to him. Especially by the man he loved so dearly.

It was all so dream-like, his mind losing touch with the world. Some days, he didn't know what to think.

As the tears came streaming down his face, the warmth spreading onto his cheeks, he could tell that this was anything but a dream. A nightmare maybe, but that was only if he was lucky.
Besides his attacker, he had no one to vent to, he honestly wouldn't know who to tell. If he were to open up to his friends it would break the band apart, turning Gerard out to be some sort of Narcomaniac rapist.

It was far from what he truly was and Frank didn't want to slander his lover in any way. Even though he did hurt him.

He sighed, looking to his left at the empty wall of the motel room. He couldn't face his home any longer, especially with all the memories residing in there. It was the good old days, when Gerard was considerably normal, when they used to rehearse and act like their usual crazy selves. It wasn't what he wanted to think of, he just needed his mind to be desolate, enough so he could rethink everything.

Was this really what he wanted?

Was love just clouding his judgment?

He couldn't tell for sure, all he knew was that he cared for Gerard, a never ending affection towards his bandmate. He didn't want to move on like Gerard said to, he just wanted to be in his arms again, almost as if nothing had happened.

Almost as if he wasn't raped.

He hoped for the best, that they could move past this and just be together. That's all Frank really wanted. Even though it seemed impossible under their troubling circumstances.

Slurred giggles interrupted his thinking process, reminding him of that same drug induced laugh he had heard many nights ago. He cautiously stepped forward, peeking through the blinds of his window. He could feel his insides churning as Bert, Jeph, and Quinn settled into view, their other band members obviously elsewhere.

He was the one who supplied Gerard with the narcotics.

He was the one who prevented Gerard from healing.

He was the one who had Gerard spending many drunken nights puking his guts into a toilet.

He was the one who caused the rape.

A grimace resided on his face as he felt nothing but hatred course through his body. Without truly thinking, he slammed open the door, emotions spinning rapidly in his head. His flannel shirt was rolled down to his wrists, his fingers playing with the fabric as he charged down the metal steps.

His mind was fuzzed with adrenaline, rage just overflowing. His depression was suddenly replaced with terrifying fury, the wrath that should have been for Gerard was instead directed onto Bert, the man who Frank considered to be the one who caused this all.

He was a manipulative, shallow, prick, Frank had known that for a while. Bert was the one who sparked the addiction, getting Gerard hooked on various prescription pills and drugs.

As the loud footsteps echoed around the parking lot, Bert turned his head, his smile turning into a frown as he noticed Frank.

"Hey Iero! How's it going?" He said with a smirk, sounding smug as he took another sip of his beer. By then, Jeph and Quinn were long gone, most likely getting high in one of the hotel rooms, or just having sex with some random groupie.

Frank scowled as he walked forward, slapping the bottle out of his loose grasp. The clear glass fell onto the black pavement, the material shattering into small fragments, small enough to be a powder. The liquid surrounded it, seeping into the crevasses of the dirty ground.

Bert stood there with his jaw hung open, looking more pissed than anything.

"What the fuck was that for?!" He hollered, his arms sprawled outwards.

Frank only felt his rage growing as he stepped forward, poking Bert's chest roughly, causing the other man to stumble back slightly.

"You ruined our lives! Thanks to you he's fucking addicted, next time keep your drugs to yourself you lowlife, psychotic, asshole!" He screamed, accentuating every word.

Bert grinned, looking more proud than anything.

"Is that so?" He teased, sauntering around the guitarist.

"I see the way you look at him, Frank....You love him."

Frank's eyes widened, watching as the man circled him like a hungry predator.

"Too bad you're a little whore." He said, snickering at his cruel words.

"You're mine now, you little whore. There's no stopping this."

This situation felt too familiar, causing a pain to stab at his delicate heart, reminding him of everything.

Everything he would wish to forget.

Bert stalked closer, leaning towards Frank's ear, getting ready to nibble at his flesh.

"I bet you'd even like it if I took you, right here, right now."

Frank pulled his arms upwards, hitting the man backwards with all his strength.

"I'M NOT A WHORE! I DIDN'T WANT IT!" He screeched, quickly covering his mouth as he realized what he said, revealing what had happened.

Bert chuckled darkly.

"He had his way with you, huh? I never knew he had the balls....."

Bert made his way closer to a stunned Frank.

"Did it feel nice, Frankie? I bet you screamed for him to continue, just like the little slut you are."
The guitarist couldn't help as he was transfixed in place, hearing all these torturous words invade his fragile mind.

Maybe he did deserve it?

Maybe he was a whore.....?

Tears welled up in his eyes as he turned and ran, not caring where he would end up. He just needed to get away...

He just needed to escape this all....
____________________________________________
His knees pressed onto his small chest, his eyes disposing salty paths of water down his cheeks. All he felt was sadness, it filling him from head to toe. Everything Bert had said made sense.

He was practically begging for it.

With all the stage kisses and teasing they did, no wonder Gerard got sick of waiting for Frank to make the first move. He felt used, disgusting.

As if he was nothing but a dirty whore.

It almost was like he deserved it.

He was never a saint after all, considering his troubled past and tendency to start unnecessary shit. He couldn't even count how many bar fights he had gotten into on his fingers.

All he wanted to do was breakdown, to sob until his eyes were bloodshot. His self-worth was plummeting, his mind becoming centered around how horrible he truly was.

He was blaming it all on himself.

Maybe if he would have kicked harder?

Maybe if he would have went with the guys?

He felt almost as if he could as spared them all this pain with just a certain change of decision.

In his backwards mind, Gerard was not guilty at all.

Only him and the man who supplied him with the narcotics.

Even then, Frank felt as if he could have done more.

Even if it was the littlest thing....
____________________________________________
He stepped in front of the mirror, his eyes vacant and stained. It seemed like the days had dragged on for so long, giving him time to think about everything.

Gerard had to make a choice, one that could possibly ruin everything.

His hair was matted and greasy, hanging lopsidedly in his flushed face. Little orange bottles filled the shelves of the medicine cabinet, piled with various substances Bert had given him.

The drugs were eating has his very core, giving him a taste of what they could really do to him.
They destroyed his and the life of another.

He was done with a capital D.

He pulled up the toilet seat, the peach colored lid hitting the top with a large crack. The only thing standing between him and true happiness were these narcotics, and he didn't plan on keeping them around any longer.

He held back a snarl as he popped open lid by lid, watching carefully as the capsules were emptied into the water, rippling every time they touched.

It flashed before his eyes, his mind never truly processing the situation he was in. All he knew was that these were destructive, fatal even, and needed to be disposed of. The blue tinted liquid was filled with tiny pills, some dissolving into blobs of dust. He smiled triumphantly, not stopping until they were all gone.

"So long and good-fucking-night!" Gerard exclaimed, looking like a madman as he flushed them all away.

A wash of relief fell over him, infesting his very being. This was a step forward in the right direction.

He needed to get better.

For him, his friends, and most importantly-

Frank.
____________________________________________
He felt paralyzed as he did nothing but sit in the corner of his motel room, staring at the floral printed wall. His eyes looked as if he was in a trance, hollow and unemotional. His body was loose, his arms slung lazily over his knees. His mind couldn't do anything but focus on what had happened, Bert's brutal words hurting him more then they should have.

He didn't know what to think anymore. The only comfort he felt was in the arms of his attacker. It sounded horrible, as if he was some sort of masochistic freak. Surely anyone who would hear of his situation would be disgusted.

They were simply wrong however.

He didn't enjoy being hurt.

He didn't like what Gerard had done to him.

Frank was in love with the person he used to be, not what he was that night.

They could have a chance together, to move on if they really tried. As long as they could work this out, maybe, maybe things aren't as crazy as they seem?

Maybe they were just being too pessimistic?

Frank just hoped that they could be with one another, to have nothing cause them hurt again.

Love could stop this bomb.

History would never repeat itself, he knew that for sure. Gerard would rather die than hurt him, especially for the second time.

But even then, he still felt a twinge of doubt invade his system, no matter how much he tried to block it out.

If that's what Bert thought....than wouldn't everyone else think it too?

If his friends were to find out, would they hate him?

Or most importantly, would they completely reject Gerard....?

It was all too much for his young mind, almost as if he was on his breaking point, on the edge of reality.

This all was too insane, no matter how many times he wished it wasn't.

A light knock interrupted his thoughts, his breathing jerking slightly at the unexpected noise. He shook his notions off, silently hoping it wasn't Bert, or maybe even the guys. He didn't want them seeing him like this, it would only raise questions.

He stood up, his legs wobbly and stiff after not being used for so long. He trudged towards the door, not even bothering to smile anymore. He already knew he looked like absolute crap, might as well add to the appearance.

With a slow movement, he placed his hand on the golden shaded door knob, just now noticing how the paint was wearing off. He pulled on it hesitantly, looking up in shock to see the last person he'd think to view.

Gerard.

The singer looked equally as bad. His skin lost it's pale glow and his body was only covered with a 'Misfits' shirt and some dark baggy jeans. They both had been through a lot, and it showed.

Before he could speak, Gerard cut him off, his voice gentle and on the verge of cracking.

"I got rid of them....I couldn't let them take over my life any longer." He said quickly, the words coming out like vomit.

Frank smiled, a genuine one as he realized what Gerard was telling him.

The drugs were gone.

His love was free.

Tears pricked in his eyes, his hold on the door growing to the point where his knuckles were whitening

His thinned body was hidden by the large slab of wood, a slight crack open in order to talk to Gerard. He couldn't let him see how diminished his frame had gotten, due to the nights spend starved, punishing himself for being such a 'whore'.

He felt as if he didn't deserve to eat, that this was the only way to harm himself for his actions.
Gerard walked forward, noticing how the younger boy was on the verge of a breakdown. Frank let his grip of the door go, shedding cries of happiness as he realized how they could finally move on.

That now they had a chance, as long as they had love, they could do whatever they wanted.

"Oh...Frankie...." He whispered, immediately taking the boy in his strong arms.

He went into the small room, kicking the door closed with his foot. He held Frank as if he was a fragile infant, on the verge of collapsing at any second.

His head was buried onto Gerard's shoulder, soaking his clothing with saline drops. His hands gripped the back of the shirt, holding on for dear life as he cried.

Gerard perched them down onto the bed, allowing Frank to sit on his lap. They stayed there for a few moments, his sobs filling the room as Gerard coddled him.

"I love you, Frank...I love you so fucking much...." He said, hugging him closer.

Frank pulled away, his body still on top of the older man's. His eyes were puffy and red, this sight becoming too regular for his liking.

"D-D-Does that mean y-y-you want to be with m-m-me?" He stuttered out, trying to form his words correctly.

Gerard brushed the droplets away with his fingertips, smiling at the guitarist.

"I never want to hurt you again, Frankie. This whole time I feared being with you would cause that....I just want us to move on, and if you want....We can do it together."

Frank couldn't even believe the words his love was saying, it made him feel wanted.

It made him feel happy.

The emotion he hadn't felt for a while now.

"I-I-I want that....I want you...." He murmured, pecking the singer on his lips.

A overwhelming sense of gratitude invaded his senses, showing the older man that they had each other. The world could break them down but as long as they had love.

They could go on.

It was certain.

Gerard rubbed at Frank's sides, his smile quickly fading into a frown. Frank could tell he noticed, anyone in their right minds could.

No amount of oversized clothing could hide the damage he'd done to his body.

Gerard caressed the protruding ribs, his expression saddened and hurt.

"Please don't tell me I made you do this...." He whimpered, sounding like a guilty man.

Frank quickly shook his head, avoiding eye contact out of shame.

"Why Frank? Why would you do this to yourself?"

He kept his head hung low, loosening his arms that were wrapped around Gerard's neck.

"It was a punishment...."

Gerard's lips parted, his eyebrows furrowing.

"For what, Frank?"

He snuggled his head into his chest, hating having to admit the way he viewed himself. This would only bring on untrue compliments and he knew it.

"For being such a stupid whore.." He responded, spitting out the word 'whore' as if it was the worst thing a person could be.

Gerard reached his hand down, lifting Frank's chin so he could see those beautiful orbs. He stroked his cheek before beginning to speak.

"You are the most amazing person I've ever met. Caring, loving, everything I've always wanted to be. You didn't deserve what I did to you, no one does...What happened wasn't your fault, it was mine. I was the one who took the drugs, I was the one who committed the--action." He sighed before continuing.

"You're a victim, Frank. You didn't want it, you didn't deserve it, and you sure as hell aren't a fucking whore. Who even put that in your head? Because they're a lying bastard."

Frank blushed at his words, seeing how true they sounded.

He wasn't lying, he wasn't pitying him.

He was just stating the truth.

Frank let out a shaky exhale before answering, knowing this would get Gerard upset.

"Bert."
____________________________________________
Anger bubbled up from his very core, his whole entity filled with spite and rage. He couldn't believe Bert would stoop that fucking low. It was horrible, downright twisted. Even for a guy such as himself.

His feet almost moved on their own as he dashed over to The Used's regular hangout, the one where they spent their time getting high and testing out various different drugs. It was a place Gerard used to seek sanctity in but now he just viewed it as a hellhole.

His stomps were loud, his expression menacing and almost scary. He could hear the usual pot giggles, the idiotic drunken slurs. It made him sick to his stomach.

Soon enough, Bert came into view, sitting near a small campfire along with Jeph and Quinn who were half awake, slumped over on a ratty old couch. Gerard bet they couldn't even decipher what was going on, or better yet, that he was even there. They were just that shit faced.

"Hey Gerard! Long time no see!" Bert chuckled, reaching out to hand him a beer can.
He grimaced, his eyes narrowing as he just stared at him. If looks could kill, Bert would be dead.

He frowned.

"What's your problem? Faggy Frankie tying you down already?"

Gerard moved forward, connecting his fist with the side of Bert's face, a devastating crack blaring against his eardrums. Blood poured out of his obviously broken nose as he yelped, not expecting the man to do such a thing. Gerard's hand throbbed as it felt like he was hitting a brick wall, it didn't matter to him though.

He had a vendetta, and he sure as hell wasn't going home without standing up for his lover.

"Don't you dare fucking talk about Frank like that! You lowlife piece of shit!" He growled, grabbing Bert by his collar.

A wave of shock was settled into the defeated man, the emotion clear on his face as he was shoved onto a dirty wall.

"You come near me or Frank again and I'll skin you alive. Don't fucking test me, Bert. I'm just that crazy." He cackled, smiling crookedly at the end of it. He wrapped his hands around Bert's neck, grinning as his fingers left rough bruises.

"Consider this a warning." Gerard snarled as he let go, watching as Bert toppled onto the ground, choking and spluttering for air.
____________________________________________
They sat face to face, no words being said for a while now. The silence was suffocating, unbearable almost.

Gerard shuffled in his seat, the vintage chair feeling bumpy and uncomfortable. He focused on his converse clad sneakers, avoiding Frank's gaze.

"Do you think we'll really be able to make it....? After what happened I mean....." He said quietly, causing the singer to look up.

He let out a small grin, reaching out to rub his hand, intertwining their fingers together. It made Frank's heart flutter, his body feeling numb all over, a jittery sensation covering him.

"We'll get through this together. You're not in this alone. I love you too much to hurt you again...."
Frank smiled, receiving all the reassure he truly needed
____________________________________________
His spider-like fingers threaded through the younger boy's hair, seeing as it had grown out, turning back to it's natural shade of dark brown. He had left it alone for a while, not really bothering to dye it once more or get it cut.

Their wandering eyes watched the sunset, smiling and laughing, sounding happy. Almost as if things were back to normal, which they were for the most part.

Life seemed perfect to be honest.

And right here, in his arms, it certainly felt that way. Gerard grinned, kissing the top of Frank's head, his chin resting on the guitarist's shoulder. The small boy giggled, squirming around in Gerard's lap.

It was almost like they were the two matching pieces in a puzzle set, their bodies fitting perfectly together.

They deserved the right to be happy, especially after all the hell they had been through.

Things were going well, the guys supported them and as did the fans. The homophobic ones of course didn't care for it but the couple didn't really give a shit. They didn't need those kinds of people determining what was right or wrong in their own lives.

Frank and Gerard had moved in together, sharing their lives completely. They hadn't been comfortable enough to have sex properly again, Gerard was honestly too scared of hurting his boyfriend again, or possibly bringing back traumatizing memories.

Their relationship didn't revolve around sex so it was no problem, they were going to wait, and the older man really didn't care if they did it ever again. All he knew was that he wanted to be with Frank for the rest of time.

As long as they had each other, everything would be fine.

"I love you so much." Gerard sighed, staring dreamily at his boyfriend.

Frank turned crimson, still not believing this beautiful man was actually his.

"I love you too." He cooed, leaning closer to connect their mouths, the feeling of fireworks returning once more.

They were happy.

They were in love.

And that's all that really mattered.

~Fin~
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Notes