You're Not Leaving Here
Baby Scars
I sat in my room quietly sobbing at the past messages I had received.
Why out of all of the people in the world had he messaged me?
He probably doesn't mean it.
Shut the fuck up. He's coming from LA to see me.
He'll take one look at you and run away.
Like everyone else?
Just like everyone else. Like Callum, like Adam, like Tamzyn and Indi. Every single one of them.
Shut up, okay? I'm going to try and be normal. I just want a friend.
You have Sophie and Faye.
I meant someone who'll save me from my self destruction. Who'll get me out of here.
You think he'll take you back to LA?
M-maybe?
Okay, whatever you say fatass.
Shut. Up.
I stared at my tumblr for a while. Refreshing my page I saw that Alice was online. I grabbed my phone and keyed in her number. It rang a few times as I put it in speaker phone.
'Helluuurrr?'
'Umm, hey... it's me.'
'I knew that pooface. What's up?'
'Ummm...' I looked down at the laptop in front of me. I refreshed the page.
'Oh God, who died?'
'Me... Well, almost. I got an inbox from someone.'
'Oh God, are you okay?'
'No, but this someone. You know how band members have started getting tumblr's?'
'Mmm..'
'Yeah, so Gerard Way got one, and Frank...'
'I know that. Do you know how obsessed I am with Franks face?' she laughed. It brought a smile to my face, knowing that even in the deepest of conversations we could laugh together.
'You're not catching on who the message was from are you?' There was a silence, and then a gasp.
'It was one of them. Oh... Oh my God. Are you serious? I don't believe you. Screenshots. I want screen shots.'
'Y-you don't need screenshots, you're free tomorrow right?'
'Yeh, come over and show me!?' she was excited and there was no way of calming her down now.
'Nah, meet me at Whitley metro at two, 'kay?'
'Why?'
'Because I need to get out of the house and we need to buy The Bronx tickets for next month.'
I though you were leaving for LA..?
I'm just planning in advance.
'Oh right, yeh. But make it two thirty, two is too early for me.' she responded, ahh yes. Never wake up Alice before 1:30 on a Saturday. Always give her an hour to get ready.
'Fine, lazy bum. Listen I gotta go, Gerard's messaging me again. Love you, bye.'
Before she could reply, I hung up. I had no messages, it was now 6:30 over there and he needed to go shopping.
He said he'd be back by 8 where he was. Which would be 4am over here. I didn't care, I never slept much anymore. Nightmares got the best of me.
But the reason I hung up on her was not my inbox on tumblr, or my mum's possible footsteps echoing downstairs. It was the scissors that lay directly opposite me in my room.
Sat on the drawers, close to my TV. The blue handled scissors stared at me. Tempting...
Go on, do it... go hurt for the fun of it.
But what if he sees, or Alice sees. I've been clean for 4 months.
You know you want to. It's just oh so tempting. I stood from my bed and walked over to the scissors.
I shouldn't be doing this...
Yes, you should.
O-okay...
I took the scissors in my hands, spreading them as wide as I could. And looked down at my wrists. Scars. Old scars.
Baby scars...
I went and sat back down on the edge of my bed. All I had been wearing was shorts and a Fall Out Boy t shirt. I looked at my thighs. Scars. Old scars.
Baby scars...
I thought to myself;
'One for the master,
One for the dame,
One for the tragedy
And one for the pain.'
Deeper than ever, my thighs bled silently. Pulsing, warm. I lay the blade on my wrist.
'Sophie,
Faye,
Adam,
Callum,
Tamzyn,
India.'
I didn't stop there...
Fat,
Bitch,
Whore,
Weirdo,
Freak,
Obese
Every kid who'd ever teased me, their voices ran through my head in a string of words. After four months of being clean, it hurt more than ever.
I loved it.
After 10 minutes, I felt faint. Some of these were too deep.
I opened to door to my bedroom and ran to the bathroom to find the first aid kit. Sobbing silently...
You deserve it. You deserve all of this.
'I know...' I whispered out loud.
Why out of all of the people in the world had he messaged me?
He probably doesn't mean it.
Shut the fuck up. He's coming from LA to see me.
He'll take one look at you and run away.
Like everyone else?
Just like everyone else. Like Callum, like Adam, like Tamzyn and Indi. Every single one of them.
Shut up, okay? I'm going to try and be normal. I just want a friend.
You have Sophie and Faye.
I meant someone who'll save me from my self destruction. Who'll get me out of here.
You think he'll take you back to LA?
M-maybe?
Okay, whatever you say fatass.
Shut. Up.
I stared at my tumblr for a while. Refreshing my page I saw that Alice was online. I grabbed my phone and keyed in her number. It rang a few times as I put it in speaker phone.
'Helluuurrr?'
'Umm, hey... it's me.'
'I knew that pooface. What's up?'
'Ummm...' I looked down at the laptop in front of me. I refreshed the page.
'Oh God, who died?'
'Me... Well, almost. I got an inbox from someone.'
'Oh God, are you okay?'
'No, but this someone. You know how band members have started getting tumblr's?'
'Mmm..'
'Yeah, so Gerard Way got one, and Frank...'
'I know that. Do you know how obsessed I am with Franks face?' she laughed. It brought a smile to my face, knowing that even in the deepest of conversations we could laugh together.
'You're not catching on who the message was from are you?' There was a silence, and then a gasp.
'It was one of them. Oh... Oh my God. Are you serious? I don't believe you. Screenshots. I want screen shots.'
'Y-you don't need screenshots, you're free tomorrow right?'
'Yeh, come over and show me!?' she was excited and there was no way of calming her down now.
'Nah, meet me at Whitley metro at two, 'kay?'
'Why?'
'Because I need to get out of the house and we need to buy The Bronx tickets for next month.'
I though you were leaving for LA..?
I'm just planning in advance.
'Oh right, yeh. But make it two thirty, two is too early for me.' she responded, ahh yes. Never wake up Alice before 1:30 on a Saturday. Always give her an hour to get ready.
'Fine, lazy bum. Listen I gotta go, Gerard's messaging me again. Love you, bye.'
Before she could reply, I hung up. I had no messages, it was now 6:30 over there and he needed to go shopping.
He said he'd be back by 8 where he was. Which would be 4am over here. I didn't care, I never slept much anymore. Nightmares got the best of me.
But the reason I hung up on her was not my inbox on tumblr, or my mum's possible footsteps echoing downstairs. It was the scissors that lay directly opposite me in my room.
Sat on the drawers, close to my TV. The blue handled scissors stared at me. Tempting...
Go on, do it... go hurt for the fun of it.
But what if he sees, or Alice sees. I've been clean for 4 months.
You know you want to. It's just oh so tempting. I stood from my bed and walked over to the scissors.
I shouldn't be doing this...
Yes, you should.
O-okay...
I took the scissors in my hands, spreading them as wide as I could. And looked down at my wrists. Scars. Old scars.
Baby scars...
I went and sat back down on the edge of my bed. All I had been wearing was shorts and a Fall Out Boy t shirt. I looked at my thighs. Scars. Old scars.
Baby scars...
I thought to myself;
'One for the master,
One for the dame,
One for the tragedy
And one for the pain.'
Deeper than ever, my thighs bled silently. Pulsing, warm. I lay the blade on my wrist.
'Sophie,
Faye,
Adam,
Callum,
Tamzyn,
India.'
I didn't stop there...
Fat,
Bitch,
Whore,
Weirdo,
Freak,
Obese
Every kid who'd ever teased me, their voices ran through my head in a string of words. After four months of being clean, it hurt more than ever.
I loved it.
After 10 minutes, I felt faint. Some of these were too deep.
I opened to door to my bedroom and ran to the bathroom to find the first aid kit. Sobbing silently...
You deserve it. You deserve all of this.
'I know...' I whispered out loud.
THIS IS AMAZING
5/14/14