Never Mind About The Shape I'm In

I walk ahead of the guys and towards the entrance to hell. They get out of the car too slow. Who gives a fuck if it comes to a complete stop? Not me, but I need help getting out, so I always end up waiting. That didn't mean I had to wait around for them to move their damn feet.

I stop once I get to the side walk and start my morning ritual of wiring my ear phones under my hoodie so it's not as obvious I don't pay attention in class. The teachers notice, sure, but they don't really give a shit. I turned on Attention Reader since we had practice today.

Shit! I need to come up with an excuse to keep the guys from coming over today! They don't know I'm in a band. Never mind a singer! Not that I'm not proud to say I'm part of Pencey Prep. I just don't want them to judge my singing because I still haven't sung for them yet and I don't want them to tease me. I doubt they've heard of the band anyways, so why should they have to know.

If any of the guys came up to me and said "Hey Frank. Are you that hobbit in a band? Is the band Pencey Prep by chance?" I wouldn't lie, but they never asked.

A hand grabbing my shoulder snaps me out of my thoughts and into reality. 'The guys caught up this fast?' I thought. I turn to see none other than Andy. Hate that kid. Yes, I know. Hate is a strong word, but no word is strong enough to describe my feelings towards him. No insult was cruel enough.

He used to bully me. As soon as I moved he started hurting me. Physically. Verbally. Then, he liked me. He hit me when I rejected him. Like I'm going to date you or even give you the time of day when you killed my hopes, called me names, and broke my jaw. It's always the same.

My dad hits me when he's drunk, so like consistently. It's a surprise if I walk by and he doesn't go for a jab.That's not what hurts though. I mean sure it hurts, but when says what he says.

Like...UGH! Like when he screams that I was a mistake. When he shouts profanities between blows. It HURTS.

I make eye contact with him. Andy. Waiting for him to speak. When he doesn't I continue my stroll to the gates of hell. Even though Andy doesn't hit me as much anymore Bert and his goons are still a constant threat. I decide to wait for the guys seeing as Bob's my main defense, so I lean against my tree. It's not neccesarily MY tree, but no on else cares about it and I hang out here alot.

When I'm nervous. Scared. Frustrated. Just having a janky day. I relax and the song comes to end. I realize that today in particular I just don't want to listen to shit. I still have a kind of head ache from the gig Wedensday night. Catholic boarding school made my body intolerant to alot of things... such as screaming, head banging and boozes. Note to self: lay of the head banging at practice.

Again Andy removes me from my thoughts by grabbing my shoulder, but this time not so gently. He turns me to face him. "Where ya goin' Frankie?" He says kindly although his not-so-kind iron grip on my shoulders got a little more not-so-kind. Forcing me closer to him. Is this how Bob felt? If so I owe an apology. Wait. Did he just call me "Frankie"? Oh Fuck no! Only Gee calls me that!

"Don't fucking call me that." I grit my teeth while attempting to get away.
"Sorry sweetness." Gross! He's caressing my cheek.
"Don't fucking touch me!" I swat his hand away.
"Don't wear tight jeans if you don't want to be touched." He said in what was meant to be a seductive voice as his hands went to my hips. I tried to get away again, but didn't succeed being pinned to a tree. My tree.
"You're disgusting!" I hiss. I see the guys walking through the parking lot.
"You don't know what I taste like yet" I glared at him. " and you're hot when you're pissed." He edged his fingers to my ass.

Why did Ray park so far?! Where the fuck is Gerard?!

No. I can't depend on the guys to always save me. They'll leave me eventually. They always do. Everyone who has ever cared has left. I'm just a burden. A leech. I'm just a strain on any one kind enough to give a fuck up like me a chance. I absent mindedly allow a tear to fall.

"Stop crying!" Andy fumed and brought his hand across my face. He's mad. Again. I was reminded of my dad. He always hurts me.

Throwing plates and painful words my way. Then he would punch. Get boozed up then kick me. Repeat this cycle until all I could hope for was to black out. I cried even harder, shaking as I relived my mom trying to stop him only to be slammed against the wall. A lot like I just got slammed into my tree. Gee didn't know my past. He didn't have to. I'm already too attached.

If he asked if I cut I wouldn't lie, but he never asked.

If any of the guys said " Hey Frank. Why do you cut?"
or " Why'd you try to kill yourself?"
or "Where's your dad?"
I would tell them the truth. I wouldn't lie, but they never asked.

"I'm s-sorry." I croak. I choke back tears and try to ignore how pathetic I am. How right my dad was.

"Why." He's very mad. He punches me in the side, reopening some cuts. I hissed at the pain and hoped the blood wouldn't be seen.
He could have done worse.
"Why?" He punches me in the stomach. Hard. I cry out in pain.
He could've done worse.
"WHY?!" He punches me in the same spot again. At least he's punching me where no on will see the bruises. I double over. My knees growing weak. Possibly from the blood loss. Probably from the heartache. When I fall over he just kicks me. A lot. I stop crying and praying for Bob to show up. I dry my cheeks and just take the beating. He could've done worse.
He hasn't called me worthless.
He could've done worse.

"Trying to be tough ,Frankie?" He says leaning into my face.

"No!" I spat "Don't call me that!" I guess I shouldn't have tried to stand up because he punches me again. I crumble the ground, landing on the cuts on my hips. I cry out in pain even though I should be used to it. Pain.

"Why not?!" I give him a confused face, but I'm grateful he's not hitting me.

"What?"

"Why shouldn't I call you Frankie!?!" Is he going to hit me again?

"Because you don't have the right." I say or rather grunt as I stagger to a stand "You mean nothing to me."

"Why not?" He says more to himself "Can't you tell I love you?" He IS fucking crazy. He needs professional help from who ever the fuck can give it to him!

"No, I can't" I huff " When you love some one you don't beat the shit out of them." I dab the blood from my nose. " You-" I sighed at my loss of words. I'd never seen love. I chuckled at my sad excuse for a life. Then I think 'Well if he's so wrong about what love is, maybe I don't know either'. "What do you want me to do?"

"Leave me the fuck alone that's what." I hiss.

I hobble into school, then to my locker to pick up a change of clothes, then to the first bathroom I see. After I redress my cuts and clean the blood off my face I look at my lip. Fuck! I just got my lip ring and I think he ruined my peircing! That motherfucker's gonna pay! I put concealer on my jaw. (Yeah, I carry concealer. Got a problem?) I look better than I did this morning. I've put on concealer long enough to know how to do it right.

I look pretty good, but I have study hall with Gee next and I'm already late so why not look "nice". I say "nice" because I mean hot-ish. Hot-ish not slutty.I put on more eye liner and fix my hair.

Then, I change from my blood stained clothes into black skinnies, a long sleeve black cotton shirt with three buttons at the top, and a black cardigan.

I exit the bathroom after I unbutton the shirt and watch my feet because I'm a a total clutz and I'm not ruining my master peice. "Looking good, Iero." I look up and see Bob.

"Bob?"

"Frank?" He mimicks.

"Why aren't you in class. You're late."

"Since when did you care about being on time?"

"I don't. That's why I'm late." I said matter-a-factly.

"Touche', Frankenstein. Touche' " He turned to walk away

" Ya know I could've used your help earlier." I say in a hushed whisper to myself.

"Hmm...With what?" I chuckle. He's here now. He'll leave eventually. I can't let him see how weak I am. How much I need a peice of metal to inflict pain on myself when pain is the reason I do it. I hurt myself when it hurts too much not to.

"Andy." I say quietly. He doesn't even know Andy, but I want him to. If he asks "Who's Andy?" I woouldn't lie, but he's never asked. I want his name to be a red flag. I want him to understand that that word means something bad. I want him to be as attached to me as I am to him.

I've never had a friend. Now i want one. I need one. Bad.

"Who?"

"You should get to class." I didn't lie. I only reserved the truth.

"Frank tell me." He's serious now.

"Tell you what?" He was at a loss for words. I didn't give him enough information for him to form an arguement. I opened the door to study hall and stared at the back of Gee's head. If he asked me anything I wouldn't lie........ but he'll never ask.

And I'll be just fine.

Notes

This one was more personal. I put a little bit of my own shit in there.

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Thanks for the feedback guys and gals! :D ------I dedicate this to Ava... I wouldn't lie.