Never Mind About The Shape I'm In

Frankie scoots backwardtowards me to avoid falling off the bed. At this point, I'm practically spooning him. Oh well, I guess sharing a bed entails close proximity.
I don't not like it though. I just wish I didn't think about him the way I do.
He's straight.

Even if he was gay he wouldn't be into me. I'm fat.
Sure, I've lost alot of weight since middle school, but I don't believe I'll ever forget.
Sure, they beat the shit out of me practically every day, but what they said left the scars.

I cut. Well used to. I haven't cut since I told Ray about it.

I know it sounds really bad "I told my kid brother's boyfriend I self-harm" , but Ray was easy to talk to and some how he understood me. He listened when I sobbed/ranted that verbal abuse was worse than any physically inflicted pain.

I told Ray over a year ago.
I haven't hurt myself for a year.

The kids that drove me to that forgot about the degrading words and beatings, but I never will.
I didn't mind being called "fuck up" or "faggot" or "dyke". No, those were words judging my character and I could always ignore those. They didn't even know me.
It hurt when they called me " fatty" and "fat ass" and shouted " Stop taking up two seats, Way!".

I can never be skinny. I feel like throwing up when I look at food . I only eat because Ray would worry..... and we don't want any grey hairs in the wicked 'fro do we?

Frank would never think of me as more than a friend and I have to understand. If I saw me in the halls I would cringe in disgust and flinch when I spoke.

Kellin likes me and I have no idea why.
I shouldn't think about Frank. I have a hot boyfriend after all. Kellin's "perfect" and he's there when I need him, but it's not the same.
Kellin is some one I get along with.
Frank is some one I want to know everything about. I want to know what makes him tick and I want to be there to catch him if he falls.

When Frank smiles, I smile.
When Frank gets excited and hugs me, I can't will myself to process anything, but everything Frankie.
When Frank's sad, you couldn't name a thing I wouldn't do to make him happy.

It doesn't help that he's /so/ touchy-feely with Bob. That pisses me the fuck off to no end! I mean, the Frank to Bob ratio is ridiculous.Bob knows I like Frank. We've been friends since I can remember and he's always been able to tell.

They wouldn't even look good together. Bob's too.....Bob and Frank's too.... Frank's too Frank-like and way too mine. I know I just met him 34 days ago, but I already feel like I've reserved him for me. (Is that selfish?....... Not when it's true.)

One huge thing that keeps me from saying anything is that I have no idea if Frank is gay or straight or bi.

He flirts with Bob -whose bi- and me -whose gay. Maybe he does it withouth thinking.... but maybe he seriously likes Bob. I'd flip-shit if that were true, but he can't like me. Why would he? Besides, Kellin scares off all other suitors.
Not like I would dump him out off nowhere. He'd have to give me a reason. He was there for me when my dad's illness got worse alongside my cutting. He's a really good singer and has a band. His band -Sleeping With Sirens- is picking up heat around town.

I don't like the attention at all (fans be trippin') and although I like the music I'd rather listen to Misfits any day.

I just prefer that kind of music, but the music I listen to kind of ranges. I listen to Iron Maiden, the Misfits, the Smashing Pumpkins, and David Bowie almost daily.( Almost because Mikey likes to blast his music and I can't stand two different songs mixing.I don't think good music should be tampered with like that. If the artist/ band wanted the extra sound they would have sold the album with it.) I've also been listening to this new band called Pencey Prep. The names okay, but Mikey can do better. He comes up with the best band names.

I think I like music from those bands in particular because they say something. Not only the lyrics, but the way the guitar, drums and bass all mesh.

I'm too tired to sleep, so I'll just text Bob until Frank, Mikey, or Ray wake up. I say "wake up" instead of "make their presence known". The way Mikey was blushing and all fidgety the entire movie I know they aren't actually sleeping. Bob texts me back so I guess he's awake. I'll ask him to come here for a ride in the morning. He lives just a few houses down.

I'm not making him coffee though. He never finishes it and you can't let something so sacred go to waste.

Nuh-Uh.

Notes

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This is the 2nd chapter for today.

Everyone thank ms.MCR for this one!