Never Mind About The Shape I'm In

My feet rush me inside before I do something embarrassing or dramatic. I've only considered a) breaking down on the side walk and b) ripping his heart out, curb stomping said heart, shoving it back in chest, and telling him to act like he's fine just so he'd begin to understand how he makes me feel daily.

It hurt. I mean it fucking hurt when he'd do this. He's barely doing anything, but that little bit of whatever-it-was kept me hooked. He's a drug I haven't been able to quit and it hurt something there was no pain killer for.

I softly closed the door before turning and leaning my back on it. I almost slid to the floor, but I made myself stand. If I slide, I cry. If I cry, I've been saving these tears for nothing but a small hurt. I know it gets worse. I've seen people hurt worse. Save your tears for the big things. I reminded myself. Heaven knows I've saved my tears in harder times. Instead of rue in the kinda self inflicted agony, I think of better things. He'd hold me some nights when I couldn't sleep, make me coffee in the morning, be late to school basically everyday so he could drive me, sit next to me at lunch so our thighs touch and our arms constantly brushed, and he'd gently brush my fringe to the side when it was barely in my face. I lightly closed my eyes and let a smile play on my lips. Then, I remembered how he'd hold Kellin, share with him after coffee runs, go for his locker first thing to get a peck before classes started, how he’d let Kellin put an arm around him at lunch and ruffle Kellin’s hair until he kissed the smile off his face.

Instead of just cutting of my own train of thought, I thought of what they could be doing right now. The pain at the top of my guts was back.
How the hell was I going to get through, over, or under this?
I’m not brave, I can’t fly, and I lose hope.

“Frank?” My eyes shoot open at my name on Mikey’s lips and my shoulders in his grip. “Are you okay? What happened?”

I smile and chuckle to sell it. “Relax.” I pull him into a hug with my arms around his middle because even if I jump, I couldn’t get my arms around his shoulders. “Off we go.” Without letting go, I manage to waddle us both outside and to the car.

Tonight’s goal: Forget Gerard

(-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-)



When we get to the theater, Bob, Ray, Ryan, Pete, Pete’s Andy, Patrick, and two kids I meet no more than a minute ago by the names of Vic and Jaime are all hanging around the rather small parking lot. Everyone’s laughing and Bob’s blushing, shouting over everyone’s hollering, “In my defense, I was like four!”

We all kinda pig out on concessions throughout the film because this place has cheaper food than the average theater. I was more in a horror movie mood than a thriller one, but I sat through The Shining for the gazillionth time because “majority rules”. Ray and Mikey are sharing a seat a few rows back in the empty theater, so I just let my eyes glaze over and my hands shovel more dibs into my mouth until the lights come up and we shuffled back outside.

After loitering in the parking lot for I don’t know how long, I notice that everyone looks kind of really awkwardly miserable to have to say “Bye.” Or “See ya later.”
It’s a Saturday.

“You guys wanna come to my house?” I offer and eyes light up.

“We should just go to mine, Frank.” Mikey shrugs like it’s obvious. It would be, but I have incentives.

“Well, my mom’s having her high school reunion, so I have days to clean up-”

“I’ll help clean up, dude.” Ray said sounding a lil’ hurt.

“No, but I-”

“We aren’t slobs anyways.” Vic added. If one more person interrupts me-

“Speak for yourself.” Pete said with Andy vouching.

“My house has alcoholic beverages.” I raise my hand to call attention, although I'm sure the pride bubbling over would have caught an eye or two.

“Sounds cool.”
“Yeah, I’m down.”
“Sweet.”
“We should all stay the night.”
“It’ll be like a slumber party!”
“Let’s stop for coffee first.”
“Yeah, I’m partially sleepy and I don’t want to be the first to fall asleep.”
“Where’re you gonna get a goddamn coffee at four in the morning?”
“Homemade’s better anyways.”

(0_0) (0_0) (0_0)

“Okay, so whenever anyone says like or so you do a shot. Simple.” I reached forward and turned on My So Called Life.

15 minutes later…
Everyone’s very much drunk enough to play truth or dare and I’m starting to forget him.

“Frank, truth or dare?” Mikey slurred.
“Dare?” He’s a creative one is all I have to say.

“Make out with Andy for 7 minutes.”

“You got it.” I lean to my left enough to kiss him because I can’t actually walk on these drunken legs. I slip my tongue in as we pass the one minute mark.

“I said make out not smooch!” Mikey hollers as he makes up another round of shots for no actual reason other than he can and we’ll all drink it. I do take it up a notch though. I straddle him, push his back to the floor, grab the back of his head and nod into it. He holds my hips down and if only for the next four minutes, I don’t give a shit about Gerard.

Notes

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