When You & I Were Forever Wild

My hands were gliding up and down Gerard's back, over his shoulders, down to his hips, spreading the sun screen on his skin. I could do this all day long, straddling him while he was lying on his belly, his eyes closed, sighing happily, enjoying my touches. He felt so good and I had to fight the urge to replace my hands with my lips. If only we were alone so I could touch him somewhere else too, I thought, blushing. Was it normal to be CONSTANTLY turned on by your boyfriend? Right now I was simply grateful that at least my turned-on-ness wasn't showing even though I was sure he could still tell. And sure enough, his eyes flickered open and he turned his head, giving me THAT look.

'You like sitting on my ass?' he asked with a cheeky grin.

'Why yes. I do. A lot actually.' I replied, giving him a equally cheeky pout.

'I bet if I turned around you'd like it even more.' oh my. Oh yes.

'Maybe.' I said, my voice low.

Jeez. Why did he have to be so sexy? And why did he always have to say things like that?

'Ugh. Get a room.' Suki growled and I looked at her in surprise. What the fuck was eating her?

I climbed off Gerard and he gave me a confused look at which I shrugged. I had no idea what was going on with her. Fifteen minutes ago she was teasing us as always but now she seemed like a completely different person. Ray and her had just returned from a swim and then he had left to get us some ice cream, surely something must have happened between them.

'Come, let's take a walk.' I suggested when I realized she was actually close to tears. Fuck. 'I'll be right back.' I said to Gee and he nodded, knowing I wanted to be alone with her so we could talk.

I pulled on my denim shorts and got up, taking Suki's hand. For a while, neither of us spoke and I felt guilty about being so annoyingly in love. Had it kept me from noticing that Suki was unhappy? I could never forgive myself if that was the case.

'Sorry, Fi. I didn't mean to be a drag. I know you and Gee just want to have fun.' she said after about ten minutes.

'NO! Don't apologize! I'm sorry we were being so...PDA-heavy.'

'Ugh! Please, don't be sorry. You're in love! That's exactly how it should be!' she sincere but still sad.

'I thought...you were in love too?' we stopped and sat down on some rocks.

'I am! That's the problem.' she sighed and now I really started to worry. What was wrong?

'Problem?'

'Ray just told me he's thinking about moving to Los Angeles to live with his dad and his new wife after we've graduated. He thinks he has a better chance at studying film there since it's...you know, Hollywood. I'm just so disappointed that I'm not enough to keep him here.' she had started crying and I put my arm around her.

Oh no. What could I say to make her feel better?

'But...he hasn't decided yet, right? He's only thinking about it. And I would say you're really important to him because he obviously wanted to talk to you about it. Which means your thoughts and feelings matter to him! Just wait and see, okay? We got two more years. Who knows, maybe you end up going with him!'

'My parents would never let me!' she wiped her cheeks and took a deep breath. 'I just wish we were more like you and Gerard. You know what you wanna do and you know that you want to do it together. I was hoping that Ray and I could make that decision together too.'

'Gerard and I didn't actually make that decision together though. He wanted to go to art school. I wanted to go to art school. Then he told me that SVA had a great photography program so I looked into it. So there wasn't much to decide on.'

'But Gerard would never consider moving to the other side of the country! He wouldn't even think about leaving you. He loves you!'

'Ray loves you too! I've seen the way he looks at you. He's crazy about you! I'm sure if you'd ask him to stay, he would. And I'm also sure that he would ask you to come with him. He wouldn't leave you just like that. You're gonna work something out.' I told her and she calmed down a little, taking in my words.

*

'So, Ray told Suki about LA, hmm?' I asked as we pulled out of the Drive-Thru at Dunkin Donuts.

'You knew? Why didn't you say anything?' Finn sounded upset.

'It wasn't my place to tell. He asked me not to. You'd keep your word too, right?'

Finn nodded and took a sip of her tea. The sky had taken on a scary shade of grey in the last 30 minutes and a considerably cooler breeze was blowing. We had left the beach in a hurry and both Finn and I were still soaked from our last swim since there had been no time to change before the sky opened up. Even though I had turned on the heating and wrapped her in one of my dry towels, she was still shaking.

'She thinks she's not important enough for him. That he wouldn't stay because of her.' she said.

'Would she even want him to stay because of her? I don't think so. She'd either go with him or he just wouldn't go. He's really in love with her and she's really in love with him.'

'Did you know the girl he...was with before Suki?' she wanted to know as I stopped the car, reaching for my backpack to find a shirt for her that wasn't wet.

'No. She wasn't even his girlfriend. We went to this party and got drunk. Then he went missing for the rest of the night.'

She looked at me, shocked, as I handed her my Misfits shirt. 'It was a One Night Stand?'

'Yeah. And he felt awful about it. He still regrets it. Especially now that he's with Suki.'

Her expression softened and she seemed lost in thought for a moment.

'Can we go somewhere else before we head home? We have another hour before we have to be back.' Finn asked then, pulling my shirt over her head.

'You should really get changed though. I don't want you to catch a cold.' I said, starting the car again.

'I'll be fine. I just don't want to go home yet.'

I had a hard time concentrating on the road since my girlfriend had decided to pull out her wet bikini top from under the shirt and then proceeded to change from her bottoms into her panties and shorts under the towel. She smirked at me when she realized how tense I was but I pretended to ignore her while my pulse picked up on speed. Luckily, I found a good spot to pull over, parking the car.

The second I pulled the key from the ignition, Finn leaped into my lap, her lips capturing mine so suddenly that I didn't even have time to take a breath. Her skin felt icy so I didn't hesitate and put my arms around her, pulling her as close as I could.

'Promise you'll never leave me. Promise that we stay together, no matter what.' she muttered as her lips left my mouth again.

'I promise. I swear. I'd never go anywhere without you, Finn.' I replied, meaning every word.

She seemed to relax in my arms, smiling as I kissed her again as if to assure her how serious I was. The rain was getting heavier outside and the thunder came rolling closer but I didn't care about any of that as her lips traveled up my jaw. I moaned as I felt her teeth nibbling on my earlobe and my hands wandered under her shirt, roaming over her waist before finding her breasts. Fuck, I wanted to do this all day, this was all I needed to feel. As always, my body's response was immediate but by now I knew how much she enjoyed this, being almost proud of herself for making me hard. So wicked, I thought, squeezing her, making her gasp.

'I want you so badly.' Finn whispered before kissing down my neck, sucking softly. Jeez. Her words and actions were arousing me even more.

'You have no idea.' I sighed, involuntarily grinding my hips against hers.

*

I didn't know whether I would be able to stop. I didn't know if I wanted to stop. Right now, I was completely under his spell, the heat replacing the cold I had felt just a few minutes ago. My hands were in his hair, pulling back his head to give me more access to his neck, his moans spurring me on more and more. His thumbs brushed over my nipples and I could feel every exciting inch of him pressing against me, yes, I wanted him. All of him.

'Did you bring them?' I asked, not able to look at him, my cheeks burning.

'Did I bring what?' he asked back in a whisper.

'The condoms.' I said, nuzzling his neck.

I could feel him freeze, withdrawing his hands, holding his breath.

'Finn...I...' finally, I looked up at him, surprised by his widened eyes. Instead of excitement, he looked panicked. 'I don't think we should do it here...'

'Why not?' so what we were in his car but that didn't matter to me! Right now, we could be in a dumpster, I wanted him and I was ready.

'Because I'm a hopeless romantic, that's why. I want it to be special.' Gerard breathed.

'Okay...so you want to take me out for dinner first and then cover the bed with rose pedals and light some candles and wear lacy underwear for me? Maybe have some love songs playing in the background?' I teased and he rolled his eyes at me.

'How do you know I bought lacy underwear for you?' he smiled, tucking a strand of my wet hair behind my ear.

Oh Gerard. Why must you be so perfect? Why can't you be a normal 16-year old, sex-hungry boy for once? Why did you have to be so sweet and respectful and caring and loving and awkward? Why did you have to make me feel this way? So precious.

'You are such a dork. And I'm so crazy about you.' I sighed, leaning my head on his shoulder.

'I'm crazy about you too. And as much as I want you right now, I insist that we at least lose our virginity on an actual bed.'

Our virginity. Yes. Ours. It would be our first time and not just mine. As always when I became aware of our inexperience, I was glad. Before Gerard told me that he had never done it either, I had assumed that he had experience. He had always been popular with the ladies, he had always had that slightly wild vibe about him. Even though I had never seen him with a girl, it didn't necessarily mean that he wasn't fooling around with any. Given the fact that he was such a gentleman, he wouldn't have talked about it either. But no, we were both rookies, at all of this. And right now, I was more aware of that than ever.

He was right though. I didn't really want our first time to happen like this. No, I wasn't a hopeless romantic and I truly hoped he wouldn't go over the top in trying to make this special but I wanted us to have time. I wanted to explore him. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms afterwards. And most importantly, I didn't want to worry about being caught and getting arrested for public indecency. We'd have plenty of opportunities to take risks, be crazy, be reckless and not hold back. But Gerard was right, this was neither the time nor the place for our first time.

'Let me at least take care of that?' I let my hand wander down to the waistband of his shorts, stopping to look up at him as he smiled.

*

I dropped Finn off at home 20 minutes later, feeling slightly regretful. Of course I had meant it when I said I wanted it to be more special but the honest truth was, I was scared shitless.

What if I couldn't do it? Sure, every time we made out I was more than ready but would I still be if it actually came down to it? Or even worse, what if I could and then I came after five seconds? Or it just overall sucked? What if God forbid, I hurt her? I could never forgive myself. Yes, I knew that first times weren't supposed to be perfect and you had to do it a couple of times in order to enjoy it but still, I wanted it to be good for her.

I gave my parents and Mikey a short shrift about the day at the beach and then hurried upstairs to take a shower and put on some dry clothes. Who could I talk to about this? Ray was my go-to person but I'd feel selfish calling him to talk about my shit when he had enough going on himself. My other friends were cool but I would never ever tell them that I was actually scared of having sex with my girlfriend. They would just laugh at me. Mikey was too young. And my dad would put a chastity belt on me.

I could tell Finn. Yes, I could talk to her about it. We could talk about everything. But what the fuck would she even say? 'Okay Gerard, let's just not do it, ever!' Yeah right. As if I wanted that. As if I didn't want her. No, that wasn't an option.

The only option was to take a deep breath and get to it! Just like when we had talked about it for the first time, thinking about it too much would make me anxious and that would ruin all the fun! It was totally normal to be worried, right? And she was probably too. Yes. We were in this together. Gerard, you are an idiot.

Having discarded my thoughts and worries, I called Ray after dinner. He sounded a little less gloomy and I knew that he had probably talked to Suki again on the way home.

'Of course I would only go if she was okay with it. Or if she came with me. But she doesn't know if she could and she also doesn't want to hold me back.' he sighed and I thought of something to say, failing. 'Ugh, I hate this. I mean, I haven't decided anything yet but now I feel like I have to.'

'You don't.' I said.

'But maybe I should? It'd be easier for both of us.'

'Could be. Or harder. What's the point, man? We've got two more years. A lot can happen.'

'I know but if it doesn't work out then why keep going?' what? Oh fuck. Was he thinking about breaking up with her? No no no no no.

'Dude, pessimism doesn't suit you. That's my thing anyway. Stop it now. Just because something might not work out in the end doesn't mean you should give up before you even started.'

Had I just given both Ray AND myself the best advice ever? Pessimism didn't suit me anymore either, not since Finn had become my girlfriend.

'Listen to you, Mr Relationship-Expert.' Ray teased but I couldn't help but feel slightly proud of myself. For once, I had been able to help him.

'Nah. Just something I realized that's all. Applies to both of us, I think.'

'Oh?' I could tell he wanted to know more.

'Yeah. But I think I'm over it. Whatever. Yeah.' I shook my head at myself.

Stick to your guns now, I thought. Even if they're just water pistols.

Notes

actually thought I would be able to update sooner but I was really busy, sorry
I hope you liked this :)
Please comment and let me know what you think!