After the boy next to me, whose name turned out to be Frank, punched Gerard things kinda settled down for a bit. The doctor basically told everyone to eff off and let me rest before they basically interrogate me. Crap, I thought, what am I gonna tell these people? That I’m actually the cheer captain stuck inside some misfit’s body? Yeah, I don’t think that would go over too well.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally mustered the courage to look in front of a mirror. I inhaled and squared my shoulders before opening my eyes. I let out a small gasp and brought my fingertips to the glass and the girl mirrored in it did the same.

I didn’t look… too bad…

I had long dark brown hair that reached the small of my back. I ran my fingers through it and marveled at the naturally wavy strands. I frowned, remembering my short blonde bob; immaculate and easily maintained. This head full of hair was gonna take getting used to. Unless I cut it… but that would seem so out of character, I think? I groaned in frustration, still not sure what to make of anything.

I outstretched my arms and stared at the ghostly pale skin and grimaced. Gone was my golden brown hue from all the tanning I maintained. I also noticed faded horizontal scars across my wrists and it made me sad, why did this girl do this? My new nails were equally as disturbing; chipped and brittle with remnants of maroon nail polish flaking off. I tsked and longed for my French manicure.

I reverted my attention back to the girl in the mirror. I peered closer and noticed that my eyes were a wonderful shade of green. I didn’t mind them. Though I do miss the blue ones that I inherited from my mom. But the green wasn’t bad. They were a mesmerizing kind of green, like grass on a hot summer’s day. I wiped away black eye makeup that was still caked around the lids. My eyebrows were a nice shape, but needed some work. I twitched my tiny button nose delightedly. My old nose always bothered me, I had thought it was too big. But this new one is cute. I traced my lips with my fingertips. They were plump and a faded dark pink.

Did this girl smoke?

I bared my teeth and sure enough they were slightly tinged yellow. That and the nails were a sure indicator of smoking. Well, not anymore. The girl probably drank a whole lot of coffee as well.

Then I peeked under my hospital gown and blushed. She—or should I say ‘I’—had an alright body. I’m much shorter than I was before, I’m probably around 5’3, maybe 5’4 and I used to be 5’7. I didn’t mind the change in height, it just means I can wear more high heels… but I doubt this girl had pairs of high heels, judging by the unkempt nails.

Aside from the cuts, bruises and numerous scars that littered my body, my skin was practically flawless. Just deathly pale. The long hair was still going to take some getting used to and the nails and smoking were definitely going to have to be changed. But all in all; it was okay.

I’m glad that her brother—or my brother—and his friends weren’t going to be here for a while, I figured they had to go to school sometime—they did not look over 20 at all, and neither did I. I had to sort out my story. This is so complicated. I recall everything from my old life, but nothing at all from this one. Except for that one name: Gerard.

I wonder if this girl and Gerard had something going on? The whole room definitely went quiet when I opened my stupid mouth. I sighed and went back to the cold bed. All of a sudden I was just exhausted and all this thinking was giving me a headache.

“Mom,” I said under my breath “You never mentioned anything about all this crazy shit I had to deal with before I can finally fucking die.” And as soon as the words left my mouth, I wish I hadn’t said them. I couldn’t see her anywhere, but I could tell those words inflicted some pain. I apologized internally, hoping she felt me conceding as I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

---

For the next few days, the doctor examined me endlessly. I tried to keep my answers as vague and blank as possible so as to not arouse suspicion. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so panicked in my life. I figured that if this doctor thought I was someone else trapped in this girl’s body he’d have me confined to an insane asylum.

All my nail biting and hard work paid off as he wrote me off as having amnesia. How melodramatic. During these days no one had been allowed to visit and for that I was thankful.

The few moments I was alone, I’d find myself talking to my mom. I felt like she could hear me and I kept hoping she’d show up and give me a fucking clue or a map or some video montage of this girl, Sarah’s, life. I guess “amnesia” isn’t too far a cry because aside from the name Gerard, I remember squat shit of this girl’s life.

My ghost mother didn’t drop any clues, but Sarah’s real live flesh step mother did drop off something that helped: her diary.
“Well, here goes nothing” I gulped and opened the thin black notebook.

I scanned the pages before I delved into the entries. There were only a couple of entries in the book, it was still new. The spine hadn’t been cracked all too often, seems like this is a recent diary. Unless this girl already has like a hundred finished diaries at home. And I kinda figured she did because she seems like the type to do that. And I’m thankful because then it’d be like getting a history lesson.

The diary I was leafing through now had entries from two weeks ago. The most recent one was from before this all happened. I knew I had to read it, but a part of me was scared. Reading this diary was like committing to his new life. Every word I read draws me closer to these people and her life and further away from my old life. Am I ready to let it all go?
I sighed and thought back to Brent. My fingertips tingled from the memory of tracing his skin. I remember his chiseled jaw bone and his wide chest and how his arms tightened around me. But try as I might, I couldn’t remember feeling anything else but attraction. We said ‘I love you’ all the time, but there was no conviction. I never noticed it before. I was too busy being absorbed with… myself. I furrowed my brows and tried hard, really fucking hard, to feel sad for the loss of my old life, but I couldn’t. It all felt like nothing. I tried to miss my best friend and my boyfriend, but I couldn’t feel anything. The only thing that made me feel anything was the boy with long shaggy black hair and his hazel eyes. Which is fucking ridiculous because I’ve known him for, what, two minutes and he’s already made more of an impression on me than my boyfriend of two years?

“Come on, Cara,” I whispered to myself “You have to do this. Trust your mother, this will all make sense soon.”

I shook my head and willed myself to be strong and to push everything out of my head. I finally started reading the first words in the diary.

Notes

The next chapter will either be the diary entries or I'll just continue with Gerard's POV and post the entries a bit later--I still haven't decided, oops!

Again, thanks for reading. Comments, ratings and subscriptions are much appreciated!

:)