December 16th, 1992
The snow has been falling for two hours now, there's a thick white blanket of it everywhere and it's beautiful, I hate driving in the damn stuff but it's gorgeous. It's currently 3 in the morning and I can't sleep neither can Gee so we've been on the phone with one another, neither of us have school tomorrow it's officially winter break.
"Lex?"
"Hmm? Sorry I was thinking."
"It's okay, I was just asking if you got your letter from that art college in Ohio?"
"No I haven't."
"You'll get it your better than I am, you'll get in I have no doubts."
"Thanks Gee."
"What were you thinking about?"
"The snow."
"It's snowing?"
"It sure is, has been for two hours."
"I live in a basement Lex how am I supposed to know these things."
I shrugged but then remembered we were on the phone, "I don't know."
"You just shrugged didn't you." It wasn't a question it was a statement he knew I just had, it was a thing I did a lot.
I nodded my head.
"And you just nodded, maybe it would easier if I just came over there."
"Actually Gee I think I'm going to hit the hay, my dad is going to kill me when he sees the phone bill."
"Mine is too." He chuckled. "Night Lex, love you."
I blushed, "Night Gee love you too."
The call ended and I flopped back on my bed staring at the ceiling, I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep but I just didn't really want to talk anymore. Footsteps started towards my door, I pulled the blankets over me and pretended to be asleep, the door opened shining the hall light into my room and across the bed. I peeked and my dad was standing in the hallway.
"Lex you awake? I know you are I heard you talking."
"I'm awake." I sat up and looked at him, "What's up?"
"Get up we're going for a drive."
I was a little confused I admit but I did as he said, I got up and pulled on a pair of shoes, grabbing my bag and keys. "Okay I'm up where are we going?"
"Just follow me, I think I should drive though." He stuck his hand out for my keys, I set them in his palm and followed him downstairs and out the door. I climbed in the passenger side of the car and buckled in, my dad got in the drivers seat and started up the car. The familiar roar of the engine filled the garage then the sound of Bad Religion filled the inside of the car. I reached to turn it down but my dad stopped me, "Leave it I like your music."
I nodded and placed my hand back in my lap, this wasn't a usual thing in my family, I was actually worried. The only reason my dad would ever be nice like this to me is if someone was dying, oh shit. "Dad is grandma okay?"
He didn't look at me he just kept driving, I was terrified if something happened to her it would destroy me. "Daddy please is she okay?"
"No baby she isn't."
Tears immediately started rolling down my cheeks, "Is she dead?"
"Not yet the doctors say she only has a week left though. I know you probably don't want to see her-"
"I do I want to see her."
"Are you sure honey?"
I nodded, "Yes I want to go see her."
"Alright, well I booked two tickets. I don't really want to see my mother dying though."
"I'll go and take Gee with me."
"We'll see honey."
He turned back towards our house but I stopped him, "Let me out."
"Where are you going? I'm not letting you out this late at night alone."
"Gee's it's right there."
He nodded and pulled over, I opened the door and hopped out shutting it behind me. My dad drove off leaving me in the cold, I went over to the house and bent down to the window to the basement, I knocked on it. Nothing happened so I knocked again, the curtain was ripped back and Gee looked up at me, I waved at him and he motioned for me to wait there. I nodded and did just that I stood up and waited for Gee.
"What are you doing out here?"
I ran from my spot into his arms and started to cry, "She's dying Gerard."
"Who's dying honey?"
"My grandma, Gerard she's dying. She can't leave me yet."
"Come on let's go inside."
He scooped me up in his arms, I laid my head on his chest. He opened the backdoor, then closed it when we were safely inside the warm house, locking it again and taking me downstairs into his room. He sat me on the couch and sat beside me, "What happened Lex?"
"After I hung up with you my dad came in my room, I thought he was mad about me being on the phone but he told me to get up and get in the car so I did, he said he should drive so I was a little worried, he was being so nice to me Gee. I asked him if grandma was okay and he wouldn't answer so I asked 'daddy is she okay?' and he said she wasn't, he said 'no baby she isn't' he told me the doctors said she has a week left. What am I going to do Gee?" I was hysterical by the end of my speech.
"Come here." He pulled me into his lap and let me cry on his shoulder. "It's going to be okay Lex, I promise. Are you going to Ohio to see her?"
I nodded, "Will you come with me?"
He looked a little shocked, "You want me to come with you?"
I nodded, "She loves you Gerard, of course I want you to come with me. Plus I need my best friend with me."
"Well I guess I could go."
"Really? You'll go?"
"Of course I will. One second I have something that might help." He put me on the couch and went over to his closet and pulled out a whiskey bottle and a vodka, "Whiskey or vodka it's the lady's choice."
"Both."
"A fine choice." He came back over to me and set the bottles down, I grabbed the vodka bottle by the neck unscrewed the lid and took a swig from it, I climbed back into Gee's lap and handed him the bottle. He gladly accepted it and took a swig, then passed it back to me, this continued until the both of us were drunk as skunks.
"I know something you don't Lexi."
"And what is that GeeBear?"
He leaned close to me until his lips were right next to my ear, "I love you."
"I already knew that Gerard."
"No I mean I really really love you like a lot Lex." He slurred, but his words and thoughts were surprisingly sober. He stared straight into my eyes, I don't know what made me do what I did next, maybe it was the alcohol but than again maybe it was my feelings for Gerard. I strataled him and kissed him forcefully, Gee kissed back with more hunger. I know I have feelings for him and I know he has them for me but a kiss wouldn't hurt anyone would it?
If only I had known what that one little act will lead to.
*
I woke up on Gerard's bed tucked under his arm, he was already awake and staring at me. "Morning?"
"Morning, you okay?"
That little question brought back everything that I had found out earlier, I turned towards the wall and let tears silently stream down my face. He sighed and I felt his weight disappear from the bed, the stairs creaked and he was gone from the basement. "Lex did you drive here?" He shouted down the stairs.
"My dad dropped me why?"
"Your car is here and so are your keys."
Peeling the blankets from my body I climbed the stairs and appeared in the kitchen, "What are you talking about?" I looked out the window and sure enough my black car was sitting out there, my keys on the front table with a note.
Hey baby, I brought your car over, your flight leaves at 10 PM, the tickets are in your room on your desk. I'll see you in a couple days be safe.
-Dad
"Hey Gee!"
He stumbled out of the kitchen, "Yes?"
"Your coming to Ohio with me right?"
He nodded, "Sure am. I need to pack though, when do I need to be ready?"
I looked at the clock it was already 4 in the afternoon, "Sixish. The flight leaves JFK."
"Got it! Come pick me up then?"
I nodded and pulled on my shoes and coat, I went over to him and kissed him on the lips. "Thanks Gee."
He looked at me a little shocked, "Yeah no problem." I grabbed my keys and headed outside, I unlocked my car door climbing in and starting it up. Warm air blasted towards my face and Bad Religion blasted from the speakers, I pulled away from the curb heading back to my blue painted house.
The garage was open when I rolled up, I shrugged and parked against the curb, shutting the car off and preparing myself for the cold air. The door swung open and I was immediately surrounded with the cold, I rushed to lock the car door and hurried up my walk to the front door unlocking that and flinging myself into the warmth of my home.
But I ran right into my mom, "Woah where's the fire?"
"Sorry ma'am." I looked down at my shoes.
"Take those off, you ungrateful little child, I just cleaned the floor and your getting it all wet. Go to your room!"
I took off up the stairs and flung myself into my room slamming and locking the door, I grabbed my suitcase out of the closet and filled it with jeans, shirts, pajamas, and shoes; then all the other things I'll need. Then I zipped it up and propped it against my door, I filled my bag with stuff to entertain me on the plane and the plane tickets of course. My phone started to ring, I ripped it from the it's cradle holding it to my ear.
"Hello?" I asked with venom.
"Woah did I catch you at a bad time?" It was Gerard.
"I just got yelled at for tracking water from my shoes in the house."
"Your mom?"
"Yep."
"I just finished packing."
"Do you want a medal?"
"Actually I do!"
I rolled my eyes and laughed, "Your weird."
"I know, but thank you."
"I should go I need to shower and get changed, I'll be there to get you at six."
"I remember, love you."
"Love you too." I hung up and headed to my bathroom, I turned the tap on and stripped down. The water hit me and I immediately relaxed, the deep set coldness in my bones was gone and replaced by warmth. I lathered shampoo into my hair washing it out then putting conditioner on the ends of my hair. I washed my body and then washed the conditioner out of my hair, I shut off the water and climbed out, then wrapped a towel around my body to keep the warmth in. I glanced at the clock it was already 5:45, I quickly threw on my clothes, dried my hair then threw it up into a bun and did my makeup as fast as I could. I grabbed my suitcase and carry on along with my keys and ran out of the house, I unlocked my car and pulled open the truck shoving my bag in, then I climbed in the car starting it up and I was on my way to get Gee.
I rolled up to his house and honked, he came stumbling through the door, down the steps and out to me, he threw his stuff in the trunk and got in the passenger side.
"Hey." He said leaning over and kissing my cheek. "You okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine, let's get this show on the road."
He nodded but he didn't seem convinced by my answer, I'm upset I mean my grandmother is dying. The women that's always been there for me is more of a mother to me than my own is being taken from me; it just simply isn't fair.
*
We made it to New York in less than an hour, it's only about a 20-30 minute drive not bad at all, unless there's traffic and there always is except today, today was a traffic free day which was extremely strange. I pulled the car into the parking lot, pulling it into an empty spot, then shutting off the car.
Gerard looked over at me and grabbed my hand, "It's going to be okay."
I nodded, he got out first followed by me, I pulled my cigarettes out of the cup holder and lit one up. I held the carton out to Gee who shook his head, "You're going to need those Lex."
The drags I took from the cigarette were helping me think, my mind was becoming less and less crowded and becoming a little more spacious. The thing about my mind is that it is always moving, never paused and turned off, no it is always talking, there's a constant chatter I guess you could say, thoughts, ideas, words, books, quotes, everything; always floating around always talking, it never shuts up never stops. I'm never fucking alone and it drives me insane. Yes I'm creative and so many people would kill for that but I would give it up in a heartbeat if I could, I just want silence, and the only way I can get it is destroying myself little by little.
"Lex? Hey you okay?" Gerard looked worried.
"What? Yeah I'm fine sorry, thinking."
"You're always thinking."
"I know." I replied looking down at my feet.
Gerard's feet inched closer to me hesitantly as if he wasn't sure if he should come close to me or if he should stay away, but he made up his mind and came towards me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and brought one to the back of my head holding me close to him. I dropped the cigarette in my hand and threw my arms around him, this right here is where I felt safe, all the thoughts, the sadness, the emptiness, disappointment; it's gone when I'm in Gerard's arms he makes me feel secure.
"It's going to be okay, I promise."
"I don't believe you."
"I know. Come on." He slipped his hand into mine then pulled me and our bags towards the airport. My thoughts were on my grandma and how this could be the final time I ever see her alive, and that terrified me.