I woke up the next morning in Gerard's bed completely alone, there wasn't a soul in the basement, I figured that they all were upstairs but then I checked the clock and saw it was well past eleven when everyone was leaving.
"Lex are you awake?" Gerard called coming downstairs.
"Yeah." I answered weakly.
He sat on the bed next to me and I just stared off into the darkness of the room not really seeing anything, I wasn't having a good day at all.
"You said you wanted to stay longer, is there a reason for that?"
I shrugged my shoulders not wanting but wanting to at the same time wanting to spill my guts to Gerard but I knew that I couldn't. "What? I can't spend the day with my best friend?"
He shook his head knowing that wasn't really the reason I was staying but didn't say anything. "What do you want to do today?"
I shrugged staring off again he just scooted closer to me, putting his arm around my shoulder sensing I needed a hug or comfort I guess. "Want some coffee?"
I nodded, "Sure thanks Gee."
"I'll be right back."
"Can I come with you?" I asked shyly.
"Of course."
I got up and followed him upstairs and into the kitchen, where Mikey was sitting at the kicthen table with a comic book and his hair sticking up in a million different directions. Mr. Way was reading the paper and Mrs. Way was cooking breakfast.
"Morning Lex." Donna said cheerfully.
"Good morning Mrs. Way."
Mr. Way looked up at me and stood up from his chair. "I'm not sure we've met I'm Mikey and Gerard's father."
"Nice to meet you Mr. Way, I'm Lex Jacobs."
"It's very nice to meet you Lex."
I smiled and sat beside Mikey, "Here let me help you with that." I brushed my fingers through his hair making it stay down. "There."
Mikes blushed beet red, "T-t-thanks."
"No problem Mikes."
"What would you like for breakfast Lex?" Donna asked.
"Nothing for me I think I'll just have coffee when I get home. Actually I should get going, thank you so much for last night and having me over. Bye Gee, Mikes." I took off from my seat and ran towards the front door out of it and down the street towards a park.
"Lex! Lex! Alexis Jacobs wait!" Gee shouted behind me, I just kept running though, he didn't stand a chance I used to run track and cross country before my asthma got out of hand and I was forced to stop. When I reached the reached the park I threw myself on the ground and tried to breath but I couldn't get any air in.
"Lex!" Gerard called, "Shit Lex!" He threw himself next to me. "What's wrong?"
I pushed him away from me I needed space, I forgot my inhaler in my bag at his house, so I just tried to steady my breathing which came easier and easier and finally my chest and neck muscles weren't constricting.
"You okay?"
I nodded, "Yeah I'm alright sorry I forgot my inhaler."
"Don't apologize I'm just happy you aren't dead."
I nodded, "Yeah it's great." I didn't sound convinced though.
*
Gee ended up taking me bak to his place where we got my stuff and headed to my house, both of us were still in our pajamas but I don't think we cared. He walked me up to the front door, but I wasn't ready to be alone with my family.
"Want to stay for a little while?"
"I'm still in my pajamas."
"It doesn't matter come on please." I said putting on my puppy dog eyes.
"Fine but only because I can't say no to you."
I smiled and took my key out of my pocket and into the key hole opening the door and stepping inside the completely quiet house.
"Where is everyone?"
I shrugged not really caring, I went over to Luna's food bowl to fill it up, she was currently running her head and body on Gee's leg trying to get him to pick her up.
"Hey Luns food."
She rushed over to the bowl and started to eat.
"So now that's done what do you want to do?"
He shrugged "What is there to do here?"
"Not much."
He chuckled, then his face turned serious, "what do you do? I mean you obviously never want to be with your parents so what you even do during the day?"
I didn't want to tell him about my activities during the day, we're friends yes but what I do to destroy myself certainly isn't up for discussion; so instead I shrugged looking at my shoes.
The home phone started to ring and I ran over to it picking up without looking at the caller ID.
"Hello?"
"Lex, honey."
"Grandma?"
"Hi baby how's it going there?"
"You know the usual, I miss you though."
"I know Lex I miss you too. How's your mom and dad?"
"The same. Are you coming to visit soon?"
"Hopefully honey. I miss my Lex."
"I miss you so much grandma." I started to tear up.
"I know but we'll be together soon I promise. Have you made any friends?"
"I have indeed ma'am."
"Tell me about them. Are they like you? Special and artist and amazing?"
"They sure are ma'am, actually one of my friends is here right now. His name is Gerard." Gee smiled at me. "He's my best friend grandma."
"That's great, any other friends?"
"Well there's Frank, Mikey; who's Gerard's little brother, Ray, and Bob. The most friends I've ever had, and the best."
"I can't wait to meet them, I'll let you go Lex, I'm so happy that your having a good year.
"Thanks grandma."
"I love you Lex, don't let them ruin you."
"I love you too grandma. Bye."
"Bye honey."
I hung up and set the phone in it's charger and went up to my room with Gee following me. I turned around towards him, "I think maybe you should go home." I whispered.
"Nope I'm not leaving, you obviously need a friend right now so I'm staying." Gee pulled me into a hug.
"Thanks Gee."
"Your one of my best friends I'm not leaving you when your upset."
I nodded, "I'm going to take a shower and get dressed you can watch tv or a movie or really whatever you want to do, when my family goes out without me they don't come back until late at night."
I shuffled into my bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I started the shower washing my body but not my hair, I hoped out and pulled on my clothes then spraying dry shampoo into my hair and teasing it up.
I pulled my drugs out of my medicine cabinet, some of the pills I no longer need but take when I feel like shit anyways. Yes I abuse prescription drugs and illegal ones as well sue me; actually no don't do that. I poured more anti-depressants than I need into my hand as well as Xanax's into my hand and finishing it all off with pain killers. I stuffed those pills into my pockets and walked out of my bathroom walking right into Gee.
"Woah, sorry I didn't see you there."
"No problem you were taking a long time so I just thought I would make sure your alright."
"I'm alright don't worry, come on I'll let you pick out the movie."
He smiled, "actually I'll meet you down there I have to do something really quick."
"Okay." He walked out of my room and downstairs, I shut my bedroom door and locked it. I pulled the pills out of my pocket and dove under my bed for my vodka bottle. I took the pills and chased it with the last half of the bottle feeling wozzy after a few minutes. Taking a deep breath I put the bottle with the rest under my bed and I headed downstairs, into the movie room and taking a seat next to Gee.
I started to rub my eyes and tried to focus on the movie but I didn't feel real, I got up and went outside taking my cigarettes and lighter from my pocket and going outside, I lit one up and sat on the porch, then took a long drag filling my lungs with smoke and pushing it right back out.
Gee sat beside me, "I didn't know you smoke."
I nodded, "do you ever feel like you aren't real Gee?" I slightly slurred.
"Are you drunk?"
"Probably."
"Look me in the eyes right now."
I looked over at him, "Your pupils are fucking dilated as hell what the fuck were you taking upstairs?"
"Nothing they're always like that." I shrugged it off.
"Don't lie to me."
"I'm not lying Gee."
"I can fucking tell your lying, what were you taking?!"
"Nothing! Goddamn it Gerard leave it alone okay!"
"No! I won't leave it alone Lex! What the fuck is going on with you?"
I just shook my head finishing the cigarette and putting it out under my boot, "I really don't want to talk about it Gee, please just respect that alright?"
"Fine yeah." He looked away from me, "I think I'm going to head home, I'll leave you alone Alexis." He said in a venomous voice.
Shit he's mad at me, well fine then go home I don't really care anyways. "Bye." I whispered, looking at my boots and trying not to cry in front of him. Alright yes I do care but I mean he's my best friend I don't want him to be mad at me.
He stood up and left me sitting there no hug, no goodbye, nothing. When Gee left I got up and went up to my room and started to blast Blink-182's Enema of the State; when Adam's song started I just started to cry like really cry I pulled my legs into my body and sobbed. I felt like I ruined everything between me and Gee. "He hates me now." I got up locked my bedroom door and grabbed pills and my razors. I swallowed a whole rest of the bottle of advil I had stuffed in the back of my medicine cabinet and drank a bottle of vodka. My vision started to get blurry as I slit my wrist over and over. I laid back on my bed and waited for the end to come, but it didn't.
*
I woke up a day and a half later it was monday and my eyes and wrists hurt so badly, but I shook it off. I started to cry, I didn't want to wake up damn it. Bile started to rise in my mouth and I took off for the bathroom vomiting everything that was in my body into the toilet.
I wiped my eyes and sat on the floor staring off into the void of the world, which I was trying to desperately to get off of.
Something started to rattle my windows but I ignored it until I heard a distinct knock on the glass panes. I stood up wiping my eyes and pulling my curtains to the side, there on my roof stood Frankie, he smiled at me sweetly and motioned for me to open the window so I did, he climbed through and didn't say anything he just pulled me into a hug.
"You okay?"
I shrugged, not wanting to talk.
He looked down at my bed sheets that were soaked with blood in places, "what the fuck happened here? It looks like a crime scene."
"Nothing Frankie don't worry about it okay?"
"Gee said that's what you told him, but we are worried Lex. We've been calling you since saturday night and you never picked up, your sister said your door was locked and she was terrified to try to go in. So I'll ask you again what happened?"
I stood there and wrapped my arms around myself and started to cry, he came towards me and wrapped his arms around me, "What happened Lex?"
"I wanted to die Frankie, it didn't work why didn't it work? I want to leave, let me leave Frankie. The darkness it has me, stop the darkness please!" I started to scream hysterically by the end.
"Oh fuck Lex, what did you do?"
"I took pills."
"What else honey?"
"Nothing."
"Lift up your sleeves."
I shook my head my eyes filling with fear, "No please anything but that Frankie."
"Did you cut yourself?"
I nodded my head, falling to the floor and covering my face with my hands.
He fell beside me and wrapped me in a bear hug, "It's going to be okay kid, I'm behind you, the darkness isn't going to have you as long as I'm around got it?"
I nodded, "Thanks Frankie." I dreaded the answer to my next question but I had to ask, "Is Gee mad at me?"
"I was never mad at you Lex." I looked up to Gee standing on my roof and coming in through the window pulling me into a hug as well. "Please don't leave me."
"I'm sorry Gee."
"No sorry's I'm just happy your alive, just please don't leave us Lex."
"I'll try not to."