Don't let 'em Take the Light Behind Your Eyes

Today was the day, my grandmother's funeral. It really doesn't seem real, it doesn't seem like she's really gone. She was the first person who was ever really there for me, I really don't know what I'm going to do without her.
Trevor and Gee keep telling me to think of it as a celebration of her life and not as her just being gone. My argument remains the same, she's dead and I'm never going to see her again.
"Lex are you ready?" Gerard asked knocking on the door.
I looked down at my dress and sighed, "I'm ready." I turned and walked out of the bathroom. Gerard held up my coat and I shrugged it on following him out of the apartment and into the car.
The car ride was extremely quiet none of us knew what to say, and I was horrible at comforting others. I reached into my bag and pulled my cigarettes out lighting one up and smoking quietly in the back of the car.
"Alexis Marie Jacobs what in the hell do you think you are doing?!" My mother screeched at me.
"I thought it would be obvious, mother." I said glaring at her.
"Put that out right now!"
I put the cigarette to my lips and took a good deep drag staring her down the entire time. By the time the cigarette was done and I had flicked it out the window her face was bright red, and she was furious with me. "Alexis Marie Jacobs you get the fuck out of this car this instant. Trevor pull the hell over."
Gerard was staring at what was unfolding and looked a little scared, Trevor pulled over and my mother dragged me onto the sidewalk.
She smacked me across the face, making my face turn to the side. "That's what naughty little girls get, now get in the car."
"Fuck you."
"Excuse me."
"I said fuck you mother. I hate you and I hope you burn in hell."
She smacked me again this time harder and grabbed me by my upper arms. "Get the fuck in the car right now." She pushed me towards the door and roughly shoved me in. Everyone was silent acting as if they hadn't seen anything that had happened, I started to sniffle and tried to hide the fact I was crying.
Gerard slipped his hand into mine and smiled at me trying to reassure me it was okay I guess.
But it wasn't, it wasn't okay at all.
*
We arrived at the funeral home just in time to be there before everyone else, I ran from the car to the inside of the funeral home. I was clawing at my arms, I was mad and I knew I couldn't fucking stand to be in the same house as her, let alone the same room.
"Lex? You okay?" I turned around and my sister was standing in the doorway. "Come here." She came towards me and hesitantly put her arms around my tiny body, "I'm so sorry she did that, she's such a bitch."
"I don't want to go home with her."
"I know baby, maybe you could stay at Gerard's for a while?"
"I don't know Lace, can I come with you when you go to New York?"
"You know I would love for you to come with me, but I'll have a roommate."
"Could I go to California with Dave?"
"You know you'd miss Gee too much and you fucking hate the sun babe." She answered laughing, "come on let's go back out there, there's some people here to see you."
She grabbed me by the waist and led me to the bathroom door and out to the parlor. She let me go and walked away when all of the sudden I was tackled to the ground followed by a high pitched giggle that gave away the person immediately.
"Fancy meeting you here Miss.Jacobs." Frank said laughing.
He helped me up and I pulled him into a hug. "It's so good to see you Frankie."
"It's good to see you too Lex, mom wants you to come over for dinner the moment you get home. She says she's so sorry about your grandma."
"Tell her I said thank you and I'll have to take you up on that."
"Hey Lex what happened to your face?"
"Oh nothing."
He grabbed my wrist and brought me to the side, since people were starting to come in the door. "What happened Lex?" I looked over at my mom and back to Frank. His face softened and then became angry again in a single moment. "Oh honey, you aren't staying in that house ever again."
"Where am I supposed to go?"
"You'll stay with me or Gerard. You aren't staying in that house anymore Lex." He pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head, "We're going to take care of you kid."
"Thanks Frankie."
"Come on there's some other people to see you." He took my hand and lead me into the showing room, where Ray, Bob, and Mikey were standing around in suits looking uncomfortable. Then they saw me and pretty much took me to the ground with hugs.
"We missed you Lex." They said.
"I missed you guys too. Thanks for coming out here for this."
"You didn't really think we'd make you go through this alone did you?"
I started to tear up and pulled them into a group hug, "You guys are the best friends a girl could ask for." We stood there like that for a while with them rubbing my back and trying to make me feel better.
"Alright guys fuck off with the emotions." I said laughing. "I need a cigarette."
"There's the Lex we all know and love." Bob said laughing. "I'll join you though."
I made my way outside with my bag on my shoulder and Bob following behind me. I took a seat on the concrete wall and Bob sat to my left. We both took out our own cigarettes lighting them and sitting in a silence.
"How've you been kid?"
"The usual, what about you?"
"It's boring back home without you and Gerard there. To be honest I don't know how we functioned without you."
I giggled, "I am the greatest aren't I?" I answered sarcastically.
"Hey I'm being serious Lex, we've missed you. You're like the little sister of the group we protect you because well you're one of us. A misfit, a freak, a social reject, but most of all your Lex and your the most badass girl I know. I'll be damned if I let one person lay a hand on you, which it looks like someone already has." He reached out to touch my face but I turned away. "What happened Lex?"
I put my cigarette to my lips and took a drag. "My mom." I mumbled.
He didn't really react, I think he knew the whole time. They all had picked up on the fact that my mom wasn't the most caring person. "You aren't living there anymore just so you know." He told me calmly taking a drag of his cigarette.
"I know Frank already gave me the whole speech."
"You know we're only protecting you right?"
"You've said that a few times already." I said.
We sat in silence for the rest of our respective cigarettes then went inside to join the funeral party.
"Alexis!" The shrill voice rang through the air, it sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I turned my body and coming over to me was Trevor's ex Millie or whatever the fuck she wanted to be called these days. Bob looked over at me and laughed at my facial expression. "Alexis! It's been so long how are you princess?"
She insisted on calling me that even though my name was no longer Alexis and I've never been a god damn princess, but I put on a happy face and grinned at her. "Millie!"
She pulled me towards her and hugged me close, "I'm so sorry about your grandmother, I came as soon as I heard she was sick."
"You visited her?"
"No I didn't get here in time. But I so wanted to be there Lex, just to say goodbye." She was smiling her sickly sweet fake smile, and suddenly the anger I had been suppressing flared up and she was the victim of said anger.
"Just shut the fuck up, 'princess'."
"Excuse me?" She looked at me in utter shock, "How dare you-"
"No how dare you Millie! How dare you fucking show up here, you aren't welcome, you never were! I have absolutely no idea why my uncle dated you but it's been over between you two for 8 years! And you just now decide to show up now that my uncle is hurting and vulnerable. Just go Millie."
I felt myself being picked up and taken way from her. I just needed out of here I had already fucked up this ceremony, everyone was watching me being led away.
"What the hell has gotten into you?" Gerard asked me.
"Can we go sit down?" I asked sadly.
His eyes soften and he nodded taking me into the parlor and sitting me down then taking a seat beside me, "I know how hard this has to be for you, but shouting at others isn't going to make it any better."
I nodded and waited for this ceremony to start so I could get out of here, I just wanted to go home. I missed New Jersey. That's my home now and I think everyone knew that, I think that's why Trevor hasn't offered for me to live with him after what happened between me and my mother this morning.
Within in a couple of moments everyone was in the funeral parlor and had taken their seats waiting for the director to begin speaking, he was an old friend of my grandmother's, so I knew we had made the right decision by selecting him.
"Good afternoon everyone, I hope you all are well, I wish it was under better circumstances that we be gathered here today. Valerie Jacobs has been one of my most cherished friends since her and her family moved from New Jersey to Ohio, she was much like her granddaughter Alexis; charismatic, rebellious, and just all around a wonderful person. I remember when we were younger around maybe 16 or 17 she said she wanted to run away back to New Jersey, it was her home and I knew she never forgave her parents for making her move here. Valerie was as I said before my most cherished friend and I regret not seeing her like I used to but I always used to tell her that those cigarettes she smoked would end up getting her but she never listened. But enough with an old fart like me talking, I understand that Val's granddaughter Lex would like to speak." He looked down at me and gave me an encouraging smile. "Come on sweetie we won't bite."
I stood up and smoothed down my dress going up to the front of the audience where the casket holding my grandma was. As I turned to face everyone I took a deep breath and willed myself not to let them see me cry.
"Hi everyone it's nice to see you all. I guess I'll start by saying that even though all of you loved my grandma no one loved her as much as I did. I know I'm going to miss her a lot, the wound is still fresh and it's not going to be healing in the near future." My throat was starting to close up so I paused to clear it. "My grandma was my hero, not only was she my hero but she was also my best friend. She told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life she inspired me to try everything, except sports because she knew that wasn't my thing." I got a bit of a chuckle from everyone from that. "She used to ask me 'Lex honey what do you want to be when you grow up?' Well normal children would answer with: a doctor, astronaut, or something along those lines, but me oh no I would answer with 'when I grow up I want to be nothing at all.' She used to think that was so funny, she really meant everything to me and I'm going to miss her terribly." I walked over to her casket and looked down at her face, "We finally got the family back to Jersey didn't we grams?" And with that I broke down. "Thanks for being here everyone she would've appreciated it, but she wouldn't want us crying would she? So if you'll excuse me." I turned and walked from the stage, down the aisle of chairs, out the door, and into the ran.
If I'm lucky maybe I'll make it to a coffee shop before the rain freezes me, I thought. I saw a neon sign across the street advertising just what I was looking for coffee, I rushed inside ordering and taking a seat. Noticing the ashtray on my table I lit up a smoke and waited for my coffee and the sign that that the funeral was finally over so we could lay her to rest.
*
It was an hour and a half later that I noticed people coming out of the funeral home, I placed twenty bucks on the table and took off across the street. My sister was on the steps with an umbrella looking around, for what I assumed, me.
"There you are! Come here your going to freeze to death Lex." She held me into her side while we waited for the casket to come out. And then it came; Gerard, my dad, Trevor, Ray, Bob, and Dave were holding it up and carrying down the steps to place my grandmother in the hearse. We all stood watching the solemty of this event, I even let a few tears drop knowing they would mix with the rain on my face. And just like that the funeral was over, people left got in their cars and went home.
It fascinated me that people were able to just disconnect themselves as quickly as they did but I finally snapped out of my trance when Gerard spun me around and pulled me into his soaked chest.
"Are you okay?"
I shrugged.
"Let's go home."
A/N
Happy New Years everyone! I'm so sorry this took as long as it did, I was away for christmas visiting family then I got to go to L.A. for a christmas present then exams. I've been extremely busy but it is currently 2 in the morning and this is for you.

Notes