It's been two days and I haven't moved off the couch, eaten, showered, or slept. Gerard is worried about me, well everyone is worried about me, he doesn't leave my side and he tries to get me to eat without prevail. He's so sweet about it though, he cares and only wants the best for me.
"Lex it's been three days. Come on let's take a shower and have a cup of coffee and a smoke and you can show me around town. Your family is flying in tonight."
If he thought that was going to make me move it didn't. "Lex please, just say something. I miss your voice."
"Gerard, just please." My voice was unrecognizable it was scratchy and raw and you could hear the sadness in my voice.
"What?"
"I'll take a shower and get up if you cuddle with me the rest of the day."
"Done."
He rushed towards me picking me up into his arms and taking me to the bathroom. "I can walk you know?" He chuckled but held me close to his body anyways, he set me down in front of the bathroom, after I pretty much smacked him across the face. "I can handle this part by myself Gee."
"Right yeah I know you can." He said with a red face and rubbing the back of his neck, "I'll just go watch some TV."
I laughed and went into the bathroom locking the door behind me, after turning the water on I sat on the toilet seat and waited for it to get hot enough. I really missed my grandma, I missed her hugs, kind words, the way she always made me feel like I was loved, her smell, her hair. I miss her so much, thinking about her made me start to cry. Ever since she passed away I haven't cried at all, I've just laid on the couch and stared at the TV not really watching it or staring at the ceiling; I've been too numb. I've thought about cutting so many times but that would be selfish, everyone worrying about me when a very important person in all of our lives has just died. The mirror was starting to steam up so I knew the water was warm enough, I striped out of my three day old clothes and stepped into the shower. I stood there for a couple minutes just letting the water hit me not focusing on the heat or the gentle tapping the water makes as it hits the floor of the shower. I've probably been in here for ten minutes already but it isn't like Gerard is going to rush me, so I sat down on the floor of the shower and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried. It felt so nice to let out the sadness that was killing me inside.
My eyes wandered all over the shower and landed on the razor in the corner. I reached towards it and pretty much ripped it apart until I was holding the individual blades in my hand. They were ones I started out with flimsy and thin wouldn't do as much damage as the ones I have at home. "Fuck it." I dragged the blade across my arm reopening not completely healed cuts and old scars watching my blood run down my snow white arms and mix with the water of the shower. I kept going until the floor of the shower was crimson with my blood, then in the blink of an eye it was all down the drain and I was left with the sting of water hitting my bleeding and raw arm. I stood back up and washed my hair and body getting out and grabbing a towel wrapping it around myself. "Shit!" I must've forgotten clothes but wait sitting on the toilet was my pair of How The Grinch Stole Christmas pajama pants and Gerard's Misfits shirt along with a pair of underwear and cozy socks. I pulled it all on quickly and thanked Gee silently for the long sleeves. Brushing my hair seemed meaningless so I just shut off the lights and went back to the couch where Gee was laying watching well Beetlejuice.
He looked over at me and smiled, "My shirt looks pretty adorable on you."
I smiled and laughed, "I'm pretty much drowning in it but thanks Gee." I snuck a look at the TV and back at Gerard.
"I know how much you hate Christmas and this is your favorite movie. Come here."
I went over to his and snuggled into his chest, "I miss her Gee."
"I know Lex, but it's going to be okay you're going to get through this and I'm going to make sure you get through this. I can't fucking lose you not now not ever."
"Where's Trevor?"
"He went to get your family from the airport." I looked at him with wide eyes, "they aren't staying here don't worry."
I relaxed I mean don't get me wrong I love my brother and sister but I'm enjoying my time with my uncle and Gerard, I snuggled closer to him but soon my stomach was gurgling and growling.
"You hungry?"
"I just want some coffee and a cigarette and some more Tim Burton movies."
"Well my dear I think I can oblige with that, your uncle has some kick ass movie supplies. And I can make a pretty fantastic cup of coffee." He got up and went into the kitchen, I on the other hand didn't move and watched the movie until Gerard came back with two cups and handed me one. I got up and grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lighter and headed outside with Gee following, I brushed the show off the chair on the balcony and sat down. Gee sat across from me with his own pack and we sat in comfortable silence smoking and drinking coffee until the front door opened and Trevor came outside with us.
"Oh your finally up, how are you feeling?"
"Okay." I held my pack out to him and he took one lighting it and sitting in between me and Gee.
"No offense or anything Lex but your mom is such a bitch."
I burst out laughing until I started to cough, but I laughed and laughed. "I know."
"I almost offered to let them stay here until she made a comment about my car being a piece of shit. And then she went on and on about your brother and sister, well what about you Lex? You have more talent and personality than any of them put together, god I don't know how your father married her."
"I don't either actually. Plus I look nothing like her I could pretend like she isn't my mother."
Trevor stiffened up at this and wouldn't look at me, but I ignored it and just continued to smoke and drink my coffee. "Hey Trevor if you signed off on it could I get a tattoo?"
"Your dad would kill me Lex. So technically yes but no."
Trevor finished his cigarette and flicked it into the snow, "Come on let's go watch some movies and order some pizza."
Gerard nodded and followed him inside but stuck his head out to me, "You coming Lex?"
"Oh yeah." I stood up and went over to him but he blocked me from going in and shut the door pulling me towards him and leaning down to kiss me.
"I missed you Lex, I'm glad your okay."
I smiled and hugged him, "I'm so sorry Gee."
"It's okay Lex, your okay and that's all that matters come on let's go inside your nose has turned red."
I nodded and went to sit on the couch pulling my knees up to my chest, Gee sat next to me and pulled me into his side. I laid my head on his shoulder feeling safe, we stayed that way all night but I couldn't help but think. Am I okay? The answer was no I'm not okay at all but I'll pretend for Gerard's sake.