Gerard

It had been four years since I'd seen her. Four years since we opened for them, back when we were practically a little baby band. Obviously many, many things had changed since then.
I wonder is she's the same. I muse, leaning off the fire escape. My mind is all over the place, jumping from memories of back then and the anticipation of seeing her again. The thought is overwhelming; I barely believe it. I have to calm down, but am failing.

Tonight I try to ease my spastic mind by smoking almost an entire pack of cherry cigarettes, leaning off the fire escape and focusing on my puffy breath. Concentrating on deep breathing like that was a trick I had learned since childhood; cigarettes only made it so much easier. There's something about your own breathing that works as a sort of sedation.

Back then, I had liked MSI for a long time already. I was a pretty big fan; collected most of their records and always listened to their music as soon as they put it out. You know, watched their interviews and tried to stay updated on their news but maybe didn't know all the lyrics to their songs type of thing. The past four years I've been so busy with my own band that I all but forgot about how much I used to like them.

Opening for Mindless Self Indulgence was such a big thing for me, left a lasting impression. They really gave us a step up, moved us along. We probably wouldn't be where we are today without that.

The night I met her we took a picture together. God, I was such a fucking loser. Absolutely starstruck. I mean, you would be to if you met your celebrity crush, right? I tried to keep my cool and not show to much excitement then, acted like an adult. I hope she didn’t realize how hard I was trying to contain my excitement of meeting her back then. I still have the photo somewhere.

I found out she was living in L.A. from a direct message she sent me over twitter. Twitter. It was sort of a friendly, hey-how-have-you-been-doing-the-past-four-years message to start out. Then she proposed to me about our two bands doing a short-term tour together before we released Danger Days. Oh, and she was living in L.A. now. I was the one who asked her if she wanted to meet up in person to talk over it, before we told anyone about what she was planning.

I mean, it's a great idea.

But I'm literally scared shitless to see her again. I don't know why. I know I'm being unreasonable; but I still have this weird groupie crush on her like I did when I was practically a kid. Just remembering that her and her band still existed kind of rekindled it; even though my band had more of a following than hers did now.

I'm never impressed with people, and I kind of think that's a good way to be. I haven't dated in years, because I think it's a flawed practice. I don't hook up with groupies; maybe I'm often a tease but I have no interest in anyone. I'm fine with being alone, and traditional marriage doesn't work; I'd seen what happens. I've reached a place in my life were I realized it's better to be alone, free of lousy people that'll manipulate me.

One hand holding my burning cigarette, I use the other to open my text messages. I was smooth, got her number because messaging on twitter was kind of impractical. Just to reassure myself that this is real, I read over our past few messages.

Lindsey: I'm definitely down for meeting up. We for sure should talk about this in person first.

Gerard: do you want to talk at the studio? Or dinner?

Lindsey: It'd be neat if you showed me where the good eats are. I gotta know where the locals go, can't be a newbie forever.

I'm not going to lie, I felt smooth as shit and pretty proud. She was new to this city, and I'd been living here for a few years now. This could be a huge opportunity; I might end up showing her more of the city. Showing her where to go and where not to.

There's something different about Lindsey. She doesn't seem normal, she's different. I always had that feeling, and as soon as I met her it was confirmed. Maybe that's why I'm doing this, she intrigues me like no one else ever has before.

I told her about a few good places to eat and we ended up deciding to go to this little Asian Fusion restaurant where they served really good sushi and had a varied selection of drinks and cocktails.

8:30.

Running my hand over my face, I glance down at myself to make sure I even managed to get dressed half way decently. November nights are usually chilly here, so I put on a light jacket and wound a scarf around my neck. As long as I'm not covered in ciggy ashes and my boots aren't untied I feel like I'm doing alright considering my current state of mind. I want to look good for her so I did the best I could.

If I don't leave now I'll be running late, and I can't make that kind of impression.

Turning inside my apartment, I stare at the disarray. I tore the couch cushions off the couch, left half the cupboards in my small kitchen open, even dropped my precious comic books off the bookshelf to see if I had hidden them behind there. They finally showed up on top of my fridge, pushed as far back as possible.

The offender, a small orange bottle, sits on my coffee table in the living room. There's a mental war going on inside me; and my better intentions are slowly losing.

On my way out I shake a few pills into the palm of my hand, put them in my coat pocket.

Just in case.

When I first tried Adderal it was because I needed a little bit of aid writing some songs for Danger Days, and I'd heard it was great for when you needed to meditate on one thing, whether or not you had ADHD. I ended up taking it whenever I felt I needed to clear my mind or I needed more focus; now I'm almost dependent on it whenever my head feels cloudy. It crystallized things for me, made everything that much more sharper.

Maybe it would be fine if that was it. In my head, everything I do is justified as long as my band mates—Mikey, Frank, and Ray—don't know about it. If no one knows, you can pretend it's not true. If you keep on pretended it's okay, then eventually it becomes alright.

And I don't have a problem.

Notes

Yay, first one! Will post more as soon as I get two or three (or one person...) people asking for it! Eventually I'll pick two days out of the week to post!