18th January 2004.

For god’s sake, where the hell is my shoe?
I reached behind me into the back seat, looking for my right high heel and cursing the lack of organisation in my car.
Finally finding a point that at least felt like a high heel, I swung myself from my car and made my way to my sister Isobella lived with her husband, Nick.

The door opened and my extremely pregnant sister paused, her dark hair and eyes open wide, a cigarette quickly disappearing behind her back.

“Alice!” she almost hissed “You’re late!”

I reached out and pulled her hand towards me, plucking the cigarette from her fingers and scowling at her. “Sneaking out for a smoke are we?”

She shook her head and waved her hands wildly, gesturing behind her to where Nick must have been. “Just a puff, I swear!”

I broke the cigarette in two and threw it behind me. “You are going to put holes in your baby’s lungs” I scowled.

I took my grouchy sisters arm and hooked it with mine. Kissing her on the cheek I handed her my present as she groaned “I said no presents.”

I winked “Happy birthday, sweetie.”

“Ali!”

I spun around and greeted Nick, Isobelle’s extremely good looking too-nice-to-be-a-lawyer husband. It always stunned me how different my sister and her husband looked from one another. While Isobella had long dark brown hair and wide brooding eyes, Nick had short blonde hair and bright kind eyes, their personalities were a story for another day.
I was so relieved when Nick and Izzy announced they were pregnant because that child was going to be the best looking baby on the universe. Seriously.

My darlin’ I, can’t get enough of your love babe, and I don’t know I don’t kno-

Izzy looked at me with raised eyebrows “Is that Barry White... on your phone?” she asked me.

I flushed, giggling “I love the walrus of love!”

Without looking at the caller ID, I picked up. “Hello?”

A male voice I recognised instantly as my best friend Gerard’s band mate, Frank.

“Hey Ali it’s Frank, I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

I felt my stomach drop. He didn’t sound good. In fact, he sounded worried. I knew exactly what that meant.

“God Frank, what has he done now?”

I heard Frank sigh on the other end, he was as stressed, possibly more so than myself at this point.

“He’s currently lying down in a bathtub talking about how his toes look like eyeballs or something. Mikey’s tried to get him to throw up, but he’s so out of it, can you come and pick him up? None of us can drive because we’ve been drinking.”

I looked up at Izzy, she had put her hand on my shoulder looking worriedly down as I rubbed my forehead. “Okay, give me the address.”

After Frank had given me the address of the party they were at, I apologised hurriedly to Izzy who looked upset and hurt, and promised her that I would make it up to her another time.

I drove possibly quite a large amount over the speed limit to the end of town in a dark looking street, but it wasn’t hard to find the party. It was an old house with an overgrown front garden, there were people sitting outside on the front porch talking and drinking. Inside, blaring music played and people danced as the coloured lights played across their sweat beaded bodies. I noticed Ray and Mikey huddled into a corner in the kitchen, but made my way down the hall towards where I was sure I’d find a bathroom. I needed to get him out of here.

Hearing Gerard’s distinct laugh I moved faster, finally finding a dirty old 70’s bathroom with Frank supporting my ridiculously intoxicated best friend to make sure he wasn’t going to collapse in a heap on the bright green tiles.

“Oh thank god you’re here.” Frank gestured for me to help him and I ducked myself under Gerard’s right arm as we began to walk him down the hall.
I felt Gerard’s long black hair tickle against my neck as he grinned a wide toothy grin into my neck.

“Alllliiiiii, I’ve been missing you all niiiiiigggghhhhtttt,” he slurred, then attempted to reach down and grab my ass “I almost drove to your house to ask you to have sex with me but then Frank said you were out and I was tooooooooooo drunk.”

I was sure I had turned a bright red by the time we arrived at my car.

"Well, at least you were going to ask first," I mumbled.

It was no secret within our circle of friends that when either of us got lonely, Gerard and I would sleep together. We had been doing it for years, and while we’d stop when we started dating other people, we would always make our way back to each other.
Dragging a half-awake Gerard into my passenger side seat I thanked Frank for taking care of him and made our way back to the apartment that Gerard and his younger brother Mikey shared.

“Okay, Gerard, where’s your key?”

He was leaning against his front door, his dark hair falling over his eyes as he smiled gently at me.
I could swear my heart started beating ridiculously as a smirk formed on his lips.

“My pocket.”

I rolled my eyes. “C’mon sweetie, you smell like beer and you’re starting to make me dizzy the more you sway.”

The smirk stayed where it was.

“My pocket,” he repeated.

Sighing, I reach behind him to his back pocket and attempt to retrieve his keys.
Despite being incredibly intoxicated, Gerard flips us around so I am pressed against the front door, he raises my arms up and holds them up with his hands. He drops his face down to gently press his lips to my neck, and I feel my body sag against his.
Heat flushes from my toes to my face as his hands start to wander my body, and I only remember vaguely that somebody could walk past and catch us at any moment.

Pushing him away regretfully, I retrieve the keys from his pocket and spin around, unlocking the door as his lips clumsily kiss each exposed piece of skin he can find.
When I finally pry him off me and plunk him down on the couch, I practically sprint into the kitchen to get him a glass of water or something to sober him up. Please oh, please let him sober up quickly.

But when I return to the couch I see him slumped over the side, his fingers hanging over the armrest while he snored his brains out.

Perching myself on the coffee table I sigh, leaning over to brush his long hair out of his eyes. He looked so peaceful, despite the chaos that constantly surrounded him.
His hazel eyes, that had seen so many blurred images.
His crooked lips, which had put so much poison in his body.

I knew he was getting out of control, I knew he needed to be protected from all the horrible things in this world, but all I seemed to be doing was rescuing him, not making it better, not making him better.
Brushing my fingers against his flushed cheeks I sigh.

“Sweet dreams Gerard,” I whisper “I love you.”

I was glad he was asleep, because I could never tell him that to his face. Ever.

Notes

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