Where was I? All I could see was dark trees surrounding me… A piercing scream filled the air, but there was no-one around. God knows what was happening, but it was something bad, something awful. The moon was almost completely hidden, except for a fraction of it that glinted like a razor. As I tore through the forest, everything seemed to snag at me and pull me back until I was completely tangled in something. Where they ropes or just brambles? Neither, it seemed. Spikes were digging into my skin and causing blood to drip down my arms, legs, everywhere. Mikey appeared in front of me and I shouted to him, so glad to see a familiar figure, but he ignored me. Why did he ignore me, his own brother? Couldn’t he hear me? I squealed and writhed as the pain grew more and more unbearable and until my ghostly pale body had a red shine to it. I was like an animal ensnared in a trap. As I continued to fight the sharp wire, Ray, Bob and Frank appeared out of a forming mist, all dressed in black from head to toe. They stood, watching me struggle, their faces blank and uncaring.
“We can help, let us help.” It was the only thing I heard them say, until hissing whispers that swallowed me up;
“They’re coming for you.”
“Run. Run for your life…”
They were getting louder every time they repeated, but these didn’t belong to any of my friends surrounding me. Then I recognised Frankie’s voice, and only his voice. I focused on him as he knelt down beside me.
“Let us help, we want to help…”
I wanted to give them permission to save me from this torture, but my voice came out as a squeak, and with every passing second, I kept on losing more and more blood and growing weaker and weaker. The others were chanting unrecognisable words now, and moving closer. No! Everything was beginning to close in, getting darker like the moon had been dimmed… The next thing I know, I’m falling, but I don’t know what into except that it’s crimson and sticky…
I jerked awake and instantly felt the pain shoot through my body. There was no blood, just sweat and scars. If it weren’t for that nightmare, I could have happily continued sleeping.
‘You deserve to live in that nightmare for the rest of eternity.’
They were so vicious after I’d woken up, but I’d love to sleep forever. To have the ruthless bullying cease, to bring an end to the voices in my head.
‘Why don’t you just do it? Stop being such a baby about everything.’
The words hurt. It was like getting pricked by thorns. I suddenly craved metal against my wrist. To feel blood spill over my skin. I hadn’t even been awake for five minutes and already I wanted to add to the scratches along my arms, thighs and stomach. That was where the most pain came from, my belly. I had so many cuts there that I couldn’t even lie on my front without screaming in agony. Inside, it felt like I’d eaten fucking pins and needles, but I was learning to ignore that like I could ignore the growling noises my stupid guts made.
‘Stop complaining, you do it to yourself. You want it.’
‘I want to be skinny. I want to be as beautiful as Frank.’
‘You could never be as good-looking as him. Not in a million years.’
‘If I lose a few pounds and get my hair sorted…’
‘Like that’s possible. You’d never get tattoos like him, either. You’re scared of needles, you motherfucking baby.’
‘I’m not scared of razors, though.’
‘You can hardly live without them. You’re dependant on them.’
They made so much sense with everything they said.
“Gerard?”
‘Thanks for ruining my plan, Mikey...’
He kicked the bottom of the door until it swung open, banging against the wall.
“Ever heard of knocking?” I was still wrapped in the blankets.
‘Please don’t pull the covers off of me; I don’t want you to see my scars.’
‘Selfish…’
It was more of an unnerving whisper than an insult, but it stung.
“Is my jacket in here? I can’t find it anywhere.” Oh shit. I forgot that I’d used his jacket to cover my arms when mom came home yesterday. What if he noticed the stains…? He went to peer under my bed.
“Mikey, it’s not in here. I’m not even dressed. Please get out.” If he saw anything under there, I was as good as dead. He’d just tell the others and probably our parents too.
‘He could get help for you, but you’d rather suffer.’
“What is wrong with you lately? You never used to mind me coming in here.” He stopped searching and stared at me.
“Nothing, Mikes. Just, nothing.” I sighed. “Go finish getting ready for school.”
‘He’ll think you don’t care anymore. That it’s all about you, you, you.’
“Fine. You want me to fuck off, I will.” With that, he stormed out as quietly as he’d come in. I heard him stamp upstairs.
‘Good going, idiot. You’ve ruined his jacket anyway. He’ll find out.’
I slid out of bed, made sure that all my drawing equipment, sleeping pills, bottles and god knows what else were still hidden, and went upstairs to the bathroom. No-one was around. I crept in and blinked a few times as the light flashed into life. The mirror seemed to taunt me.
‘Look at yourself, you ugly fuck. Your scars almost disappear in all that fat. When was even the last time you showered?’
Sinking to the floor, I clenched my fists in the greasy black bundle that was my hair. What was the point of all this? I was trying to lose weight; I hadn’t eaten for weeks, probably months. I’d lost all proper track of time a long while ago.
‘If you weren’t such a freak, maybe people would like you more. Maybe Frank would like you more.’
How I wished I could shut that voice up and throw away the key. I’d just have to try my best to ignore it. But I did want Frank to like me more.
‘He’s already my best friend, I don’t know why, but he is,’
‘Be grateful for that. Stop thinking that he’d want to be anything else.’
‘Maybe he will be one day. One day…’
Suddenly, mother’s voice broke me free of my thoughts.
“Gerard! Mikey! You’re going to be late again!”
Shit. I can’t afford to keep being late and I know that Mikey will walk to school alone if I’m not ready. That’s not something that appeals to me. Maybe I can apologise to him if I get going now.
I hate it when he’s angry at me.