Never Let Go

Gerard stumbled home, his brain reeling from what had just happened. His jaw hurt like a motherfucker, the pain throbbing with a stinging pulse every few beats. He was in a trance, halfway between still drunk and high, and stone cold sober. His head was fuzzy, like cotton wool, just like his mouth. His lips were dry and cracked, and the inside of his cheek was cut and bloodied from the chewing, a common side effect of ecstasy. He was also suffering from a bad case of the fear, and this case was by far the worst he had ever suffered. It wasn’t just a mild sense of paranoia; no, he could feel everybody walking past staring at him: man, woman, and child. Not just staring, either – they could see through him, see what was going through his mind.They knew he had kissed someone behind Lindsey’s back.They knew he’d kissed another man, no less. The same man who had been his best friend up until half an hour ago, when they had woken up, and Gerard was forced to confront the consequences of his actions when he was high and free from his inhibitions. A man who had been at the forefront of his mind for so long that Gerard couldn’t even remember when he had infected his mind, a man who had wormed his way inside Gerard’s affections and settled there, unwanted, but oh-so-wanted at the same time. He wondered if the people walking past him could sense what he did, if they could sense that he was… Well, he didn’t know what he was. He wished he knew.He truly did. He had never put a label on his sexuality before. He had always been attracted to women, and could admire a handsome man, but he never sat down to consider what box he ticked. Heterosexuality would have been too constricting, and yet bisexuality would be too broad. Before Frank, he had never truly found a man sexually appealing. He had thought some were good looking, with attractive features, but as far as the idea of wanting more from a man, had never crossed his mind. Not until Frank. And for all his internal monologues, debating and soul searching, he had yet to find an answer to the question of what his feelings for Frank meant.

He wasn’t going to think about it right then, though. Gerard was going to go home, crash in his bed, get his head together when he was more sober, and then...go from there, he supposed. Well, was there anywhere to go? What he did with Frank had been a mistake. A mistake that couldn’t go anywhere and would now be sealed in secrecy - for his sake, for Frank’s sake, for Lindsey’s sake. Fuck!What would Lindsey think if she found out? He couldn’t let her know!She could never find out!Their indulging in threesomes as a couple aside, his actions the previous night would not be forgiven - at least not without a lot of grovelling on his part. No, he decided, as he stepped over the threshold of his apartment, he would have to carry his guilt with him, and bear it alone. It was his punishment for wanting someone he shouldn’t want, someone he couldn’t have. He had Lindsey; perfect, beautiful, amazing sweet and funny Lindsey. Lindsey was better than what he deserved, and he should have been happy with that. He would make himself happy with that.

**

Frank was in shock. He stood in the same spot, staring at the door, waiting for some explanation to present itself. Maybe it would have been easier to comprehend if he wasn’t in so much pain, and had a pounding head that just wouldn’t work as it should.

Gerard had kissed him. Gerard had dry humped him to the point where his boxers were still sticking to his skin, reminding him of what had taken place. How could Gerard…? Why did Gerard....?None of it made sense, and it was all so out of the blue and strange, unprecedented and just…strange. None of it was real, he told himself. He hadn’t kissed Gerard, made out with Gerard. He couldn’t have. He wasn’t gay. He couldn’t have enjoyed something like that, not when the other person involved was a guy.

He eventually landed back on the couch, his eyes hopefully sweeping the room for something to do. How could he have done it to Jamia? He loved her with all his heart. She was everything to him, everything important and meaningful in his life. He had never touched another person since they met.She was his first and only, and the same was true for her too. They had met during high school - young andnaïve, but madly in love from such a young age; a love that had lasted the trials of college and young adult life. How could he have forgotten about it, about her, even for a second? He was angry at himself, but mostly at Gerard. How could he have betrayed their friendship in such a way? Was he looking for a way to break up his relationship? If so, dragging Frank into it was unforgivable.

Had it just been the drugs? He had taken drugs before, and had never strayed or looked at another person. None of it made sense, nothing other than it was all Gerard’s fault. Gerard had started it, and all Frank could hope for was for Gerard to keep his mouth shut. The last thing he needed was for Jamia, or anyone, to find out. His fists were clenched tightly, resting on his lap. Maybe it was because he was thinking of Gerard, but suddenly he could see something in his peripheral vision, something wooded, glossy, polished to perfection. He twisted his neck, eyes falling on the guitar he now saw as often as his own. Gerard’s guitar was still new-looking from lack of use.He could almost get away with selling it as ‘new’, it was so perfect. That was how this all started. That stupid guitar was why this had begun, and the reason for him sitting on his couch feeling confused, distraught and furious.

It was a few seconds later, when his vision cleared and his breathing was calming down, that he looked at the floor, which was now littered with splintered bits of wood. The neck of the guitar was still in his hands, which were shaking, but the body of the guitar was destroyed. He didn’t feel guilt over destroying Gerard’s guitar. There was a spiteful sort of glee coursing through him, with a little tinge of satisfaction. If he wasn’t so angry, and hungover, maybe he would have wondered why he was so angry, why he was so intent on hiding what had happened, if he was comfortable in his sexuality. Right then, he was still tired, and maybe a little drunk, and all he wanted was to take a shower, clean himself off and go to bed. Half an hour later, he was under the covers, drifting into blissful dreams, where he hadn’t just screwed everything up.

**

“Hey, baby,” a soft, gentle voice roused Gerard from sleep. His eyes fluttered open, instantly focused on the smiling woman in front of him.

“Hey,” he cleared his throat, his voice hoarse from tiredness.

“Rough night?” Lindsey asked, her big, warm, brown eyes sparkling brightly.

“Fuck yeah.”

“Do you want some coffee?”

He shook his head, his stomach still a little too queasy to handle food or beverages right then. He just stared at Lindsey, taking in her sweet face, her kind smile, her slim, but toned, body that was leaning over him, giving him her full attention.

“That bad, huh?”

He nodded. He felt guilt writhe in the pit of his stomach. She was perfect.Utterly and totally perfect¸ and yet…something wasn’t there anymore. The thing that used to have him pull her panties off every time they were alone was now faded. He still found her beautiful, attractive, and undeniably sexy. He still loved her, but now…his heart went wild for another person. A person who didn’t want him, no matter how badly Gerard wished Frank felt differently.

When did his life get so messed up? When had his emotions become a clusterfuck of stupidity, making him want someone else, when he had such a wonderful woman in from of him. He made a decision right there and then. He wasn’t going to let his irrational desire win. Frank wasn’t a possibility.Hell, Frank wasn’t even a friend anymore. He had effectively destroyed that to smithereens the night before. Now, all he could do was move on, get over it, and get back to the way things were before Frank had come into his life.

“I feel better now,” he smiled, pulling Lindsey down on top of him.

“Maybe I could make you feel even better,” she suggested with a huskier voice.

She pressed her lips against his, softly at first, almost cautiously, as though waiting for him to push her away again. Instead, he deepened the kiss, gripping her hips, and grinding their pelvises together. She let out a moan, one that was nothing like the moans whichhad come from Frank’s mouth the night before. He couldn’t think about that, though. He forced the thought of Frank out of his mind, pushed it away, and let himself melt into the woman straddling him.

Notes

Hey guys,

Not a very exciting chapter, I know. It'll pick back up, I promise.

Lyra