Never Let Go

“You know what you need? A girly weekend away.Just me, you and some overpriced spa, where you can vent and sort your head out.”

Jamia planted a smile on her face, hoping that it would cheer Lindsey up and erase the frown that was etched on her beautiful face. It killed Jamia to see her friend so cut up and down over her relationship, and it was tough for Jamia not to scream at Gerard every time he came by their apartment for another ‘lesson’, which she now knew was an excuse for drinking and chilling out with Frank. Gerard had been slowly drifting away from Lindsey, using work as an excuse for his distant behaviour. Jamia had tried to bring it up with Frank, hoping that he would have some insight,but instead all she got was him telling her to stop meddling in other people’s relationships. Lindsey was one of her best friends, though, and it hurt to see her in pain and confused over her boyfriendacting so strangely.

“Maybe you’re right,” Lindsey agreed, fiddling with the sleeve of her jumper.

“Great! I’ll book it for Saturday. We can go chill out, and work out a plan while sipping cocktails and getting pampered. Maybe the space will make Gerard realise he’s been a dick.”

“This is Gerard we’re talking about – he never admits when he’s in the wrong,” Lindsey muttered resentfully, secretly fearing her relationship was slowly coming to its end.

**

“There’s a gig on in Marco’s bar in an hour.Do you wanna go?” Gerard asked, his guitar left abandoned by the side of the couch while he took a sip of the cold beer in his hands. He was on Frank’s couch, like he was every Saturday, only now his level of comfortableness had decreased in the weeks following his promotion. He was certain Frank could see the difference in his behaviour; he couldn’t help but notice that something had changed. Gerard wasn’t as talkative, and he certainly wasn’t as affectionate as he had been. Frank remained the same old Frank, though, ignoring the change, and it didn’t make the situation any easier.

Gerard was attracted to him. It was a hard truth to accept, one that rattled him to the very depth of his soul. He had never necessarily put a label on his sexuality, and yes, he had kissed a guy or two in college, while drunk, or high for a laugh, but this…this was different, and it frightened him to think that his sexuality wasn’t as fixed as he'd previously believed. This wasn’t something to get attention, or a sudden whim to be outrageous and the talk of the party. Frank had captivated him somehow. Gerard didn’t know when it had happened, or why it had to happen, but it didn’t matter. It was the reality of his situation, and he didn’t know how to handle it. Once he had admitted it to himself, it made things so much clearer to him. It explained why he was slowly pulling away from Lindsey. It explained why he enjoyed being around Frank so much, and why Frank was in his mind more than was appropriate. The acknowledgment that he had feelings for Frank set off a series of emotions that Gerard found hard to keep control of, and impossible to understand. He couldn’t figure out when his feelings went beyond friendship, and stepped into the realm of attraction and affection. He had thought about it a lot over the last few weeks, going over every little detail over and over again, desperate to know what it was that had made these emotions come alive. If he found out where they stemmed from, he could find out how to stop them, and his life could go back to the way it was before. His relationship with Lindsey could go back to the way it was before. He hated how it was now tainted by his confusion, his disarray of emotions creating pain and misery for not just him, but also the woman who had spent the last three years of her life by his side. He tried to keep it from Lindsey, but it was hard to hide his constant distraction and lack of physical affection while he grappled with who he was, and what these new feelings meant for his identity. It was the last thing he needed while he adjusted to his new position in work, and the extra responsibility that fell on his shoulders as a result. He had been relieved when Lindsey had told him about her weekend spa trip, giving him some breathing space from the heavy weight of the guilt that had fallen on his shoulders as a result of the million and one sorrowful, pleading looks she had given him in recent weeks. He hoped that maybe her absence would remind him of all the things he loved about her, and make the silly crush he had go away.

“Sure.Why not?” Frank shrugged his shoulders, finishing his beer with a satisfied sigh.

“I’ll finish this, then we can head.”

Ten minutes later, they were on their way to the bar, keeping a light conversation going while avoiding the obvious issue of Gerard’s troubles. Frank didn’t press it, and Gerard appreciated it. All he wanted was to get drunk and drown this…crush, or whatever the hell is was, with it. Maybe it would get flushed out of his system, along with the alcohol.

Frank bought the first round in the bar, wondering if a few drinks would be enough to get Gerard’s spirit’s back up. Gerard’s sudden quietness was unnerving, and it didn’t suit the older man one bit. It changed the dynamic between them, giving Frank room to start conversations, and even have the chance to talk for more than two minutes straight without interruption. Gerard was such a dominant personality, a man that liked to have attention focused on him, rather than have his attention focused on something else, when in company. Every week he got more detached, more withdrawn, and Frank wondered if he should bring it up. He gathered from Jamia that things weren’t going well between him and Lindsey, though he refused to indulge Jamia’s insistence on finding out more from Gerard. Frank wasn’t going to get involved in someone else’s relationship, especially not Gerard’s, who wouldn’t appreciate the interference at any rate. He could imagine Gerard’s glare, which would no doubt be followed by some snappy or witty sarcastic remark, then an insult to put an end to the topic. So, he decided to do the next best thing. Get Gerard drunk, and hope he’d forget about his problems for a little while. Before the band started, they had already gone through two beers and three shots, and Frank was pleased that his tolerance for drinking heavy liquor had gone up since he met Gerard. He no longer needed to throw up after a little too much, though he would suffer from stomach cramps the next day occasionally.

They had managed to elbow their way to the front of the crowd when they headed to the stage area, in front of the small metal barrier that put some space between them and the stage. The crowd was bigger than they had anticipated, and Frank found himself pressed up right against the barrier. The cold metal was digging into his stomach painfully with every surge of the crowd, and he regretting going up to the front. His short stature made it difficult for him to see when in the middle of a large crowd, but he found himself wishing he was in less pain. The set was only five songs in, and Frank was already planning an escape route to get out from the claustrophobic mosh pit that had formed. Out of nowhere, a pair of arms encased themselves around him, and the pressure against his back was relieved. He looked behind him, not sure who was responsible, and if he needed to freak out. He grinned when he saw that it was Gerard, who had obviously seen his distress. He was thankful that Gerard had a good four inches on him, and was more able to bear the brunt of the crowd going wild behind him. Frank knew he should feel emasculated, or embarrassed, that he had a man’s arms protecting him, like he would do for Jamia, but he was just too thankful that his ribs weren’t being crushed anymore. A sudden surge forced the two of them forward, pressing Gerard flush against Frank, his crotch rubbing up against Frank’s ass.

“You know, most guys take me for dinner before they get to second base,” Frank joked, giggling as the alcohol took effect and made him giddy.

Gerard grinned, but Frank could see it was forced, covering up his obvious awkwardness, and he kicked himself for making Gerard uncomfortable with what he thought was a harmless joke. They were friends, and Frank assumed they were comfortable enough to make those kinds of jokes by now. Hell, Gerard had made plenty of them himself. He didn’t say another word after that, and lost himself in the music, ignoring the tension radiating off Gerard, who still kept his arms around Frank almost protectively. The band was good, really good, in fact, and Frank wouldn’t be surprised if he saw their album for sale in some record store in the future. He almost wished that he was a talent scout, so he could give bands like the one in front of him a chance at success. He had no idea how long they had been on the scene for.He hadn’t heard of them before that night, which suggested that they were new enough, but with a bit of work, and more experience, they would truly have something special. When they finished their set, Frank found himself wishing they would play a few more songs, but they had had played an amazing gig. He made a note to look up if they were playing any more gigs in the near future. He followed Gerard back to the bar area almost reluctantly, though the beer Gerard handed him made up for it.

“Dude, are you alright?” Frank eventually decided to ask when his beer was half empty, and Gerard was still barely saying a word.

“I’m fine,” Gerard shrugged, but there was no conviction behind his words.

“No, you’re not. If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Frank took in Gerard’s stony face, and the tense, rigid way he held his shoulders, and decided that Gerard needed something more than alcohol to take the edge off whatever it was that was on his mind.

“I say we get some pills.”

Gerard raised his eyebrows, a slow smirk tugging at his lips. Frank’s suggestion sounded like it was exactly what he needed to bring his mood back up and erase his problems for a few hours.

“I think you’re right,” Gerard agreed, pulling out his phone, scrolling through his list. He knew Jimmy was always good for it, and he had never yet disappointed Gerard when he was in need. He sent Jimmy a quick text, praying he was out and carrying something on him, other than weed. The reply was instantaneous, and the Cheshire cat smile that split his face was all Frank needed to see to know that Gerard had just scored them something.

“He’s got some E’s. He’s in Franco’s, just a few blocks from here.”

Frank didn’t need to be told twice. He downed his beer in one go, coughing a little, while Gerard followed suit with a more graceful gulp. It took them fifteen minutes to find the nightclub, and another ten to find Jimmy in the sea of people bumping and grinding against each other with abandon on the dance floor.

“Jimmy, my man!” Gerard greeted the blond,spiky haired man with a handshake and an easy smile.

“Gee, good to see you! Nice to meet you again, Frank,” Jimmy offered his hand to Frank, who took it with a genuine smile.

“Just the two you need?” Jimmy asked, though he didn’t wait for an answer before he waved for the two men to follow him into the bathrooms. It was empty, but they still lock themselves in a stall to keep away from preying eyes.

“How much do we owe you?” Gerard asked while Jimmy pulled a small, clear plastic bag out of his back pocket. There weren’t many pills left; six or seven, Frank guessed.

“For you, man, it’s free. You can owe me one another time.” He handed them each a blue pill, each with an apple stamped on one of its smooth surfaces.

“Thanks, man.”

The three men each popped their pill simultaneously, swallowing it whole.

“Here’s to a good night, dudes. Let’s get the party started!”

**

“I don’t remember how we got here.”

“Neither do I,” Frank giggled, slouching on his couch with an empty pizza box on his lap and a beer in his hand. The clock that staked a place on the wall in his living room was set on four forty five a.m.

“Shit! I don’t know where Jimmy got the pills from, but...fuck!They’re good,” Gerard groaned, running a hands over his face. His bottom lip was chapped from the constant chewing it had been subjected to for the last few hours. Frank’s jaw would have ached, if the drugs hadn’t messed up his sense of feeling, though no doubt he would feel it in the morning, along with the hangover that was going to hit hard.

“At least you cheered up!”

“Fuck you! I’m the most cheerful motherfucker you know!”

“Dude, you have met Jimmy, right?”

“Fuck Jimmy!” Gerard burst into giggles once again.

“I always knew you were gay for him,” Frank giggled.

“Not for Jimmy,” he muttered, his tone way too serious. Frank picked up on it, even in his blissful high.

“You’re right. How can you be hot for Jimmy, when you’ve got me, huh?” Frank tried to lighten the mood and distract Gerard from whatever it was that was going on in his mind.

Gerard didn’t laugh this time. He sat next to Frank, a troubled expression marring his face. His hazel orbs weren’t shining with happiness anymore. He was biting his lip once again, his eyes glazed over. Frank felt genuine concern for Gerard. He took in Gerard’s raven hair, and how it was freshly washed hours ago, and now had a healthy shine that most women would be envious of. His pale skin was clear, and Frank could smell the mix of sweat and cologne off him. Frank swallowed, hating that the scent was making his skin tingle, and how it was all so familiar to him now. In that moment, his eyes raking over Gerard’s forlorn figure, he realised just how much he enjoyed the older man’s company. He enjoyed it too much, perhaps. They got along so well, complimented each other in almost every way. There was a feminine quality to Gerard’s features, and Frank noticed for the first time just how attractive he was. He didn’t know if it was the drugs making him think this way, but he knew he had to put a stop to it right then.

Gerard finally looked at him, shooting him a quizzical look when he realised Frank had been staring at him. Frank met his gaze, unable to look away from the lost look that haunted the hazel orbs. There was a sudden tension that filled the air, one that had been hidden under the surface for so long but, never acknowledged. Frank was hyperaware of everything right then, like how close Gerard’s warm body was, the heat that radiated off his skin, how wide his pupils were from the ecstasy, and how there was a little bit of red sauce from the pizza clinging to the side of his mouth. Gerard’s face was inching closer to him, his eyes flickering from Frank’s eyes to his lips, a nervous look clouding his features. He didn’t fully comprehend what Gerard was doing, or why his face was closing the small bit of space between them. Then he felt a pair of lips press softly against his own, and his mind went blissfully blank.

Notes

It finally happened!

Ha, too bad I know what happened in the next chapter, and you don't. :p
Feedback and thought would be awesome.

Lyra