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The hardest part of this

Come what may

I stared at her in disbelief, not able to make sense of what she had just said. It couldn't be true. This must be a bad dream, I thought. But the pain in my chest, the stinging at the back of my eyes, making tears cloud my vision and the sound of Lana sobbing uncontrollably brought me back to the harsh reality.

'Lana...' I whispered, reaching out for her.

'Don't.' she said, shaking her head.

I didn't know how long we just sat there, both of us crying in silence. All I wanted was to take her in my arms but she wouldn't let me. Why was this happening? Why now. Why, after everything we already had to go through. Why now, now that we were perfectly happy just being together. For a second a ridiculous thought entered my mind: maybe I was making her sick again? She had been healthy but now that I was back in her life for good, she was sick again. I was stupid for even thinking that but I couldn't help it. If only I had an explanation, if only I could direct my pain at something. But instead I was just confused and the numbness was taking over which I knew wasn't good. I couldn't detach myself from this, I had to be present, I had to be there. For her.

'Lana, listen.' she shook her head as I tried again but I got up and sat next to her, pulling her close even though I could feel her hesitation. 'Listen! I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you and you won't leave me either. You WILL come back to New York with me. We'll see Dr Miller. He knows you and you know him. He helped you get rid of this once and he will help you again. He'll find the best treatment for you.'

Actually, I had no idea what I was talking about but I needed to stay positive. Even though I wanted to lock myself away in the dark and not talk, move or even breathe, I couldn't be selfish anymore. I didn't want to be selfish anymore. She was part of my life now. No, she was my life.

'I can't do this again.' she muttered, finally stopping her hesitation and hugging me back.

'Yes you can. You can. You've been having regular check-ups which means they caught it early, right?' I said. This was my way of dealing with this right now, by remaining focused on the facts. I felt hopeful as she nodded. 'What did the doctor say?'

She sniffed and let go of me. 'I don't know. I wasn't really able to listen to him after he told me that my blood cell count was low and that it meant...the...that it was back. I think he said something about a bone marrow transplant, chemo, the usual.'

'Well, then we'll get you the best fucking bone marrow in the world. Designer bone marrow. Chanel bone marrow! No, the Porsche of bone marrow!' she smiled weakly through her tears and I leaned down to kiss her.

Slowly, the numbness within me disappeared and although I was still shaken up and scared as fuck, I felt a little bit better. At least she had let me back in and wasn't trying to push me away any longer.

'I still think it's best if I stay here. And you go back to New York by yourself for now.'

'No.' I simply said. 'You don't honestly think that I'll let you do this. I know you want to protect me and that's stupid, Lana. You should know by now that I'm here to stay. Meaning, if you're not ready to go back to New York yet, we'll stay here. You and me. Together. And if you start with your whole 'I don't want to be a burden bla bla bla' shit again, I swear to God, I'm gonna call your mother right now and have her move in with us.'

Her eyes widened and she didn't dare to argue with me anymore.

*

Although I was exhausted and wished for sleep, it wouldn't come. Gerard was next to me in bed, not able to find rest either, his hand which was holding mine, pressed against his chest, I could feel his nervous heartbeat. I knew that he wanted to be strong and positive for me but he was just as scared and uncertain about the future as I was and weirdly enough, it was that I found comfort in even though I wished I could spare him. We were in this together, like he said, he wouldn't leave. Wasn't that what I had always wanted? Something not even my own mother had been able to give me? Now, I had it. I had the support from Gerard, I had the love. Yet I felt doubtful.

I turned onto my side to look at him in the faint light and he acknowledged it by squeezing my hand although he kept staring up at the ceiling. He was truly beautiful, with his delicate, perfect features and his old soul. I hated to see him sad. From the moment I first met him, on the corridor of the hospital when he visited Elena, all I wanted was to make him smile, see him happy. Now the fact that I had only seen him completely happy for such a short amount of time before that worried look was back in his face tore me up inside.

'I'm sorry.' I whispered, not able to stop the tears that were rolling down my cheeks again.

He didn't reply and I repeated my words, almost desperately before he finally turned to face me.

'For what?' he asked, frowning.

'Making you sad...again.' I felt sick to my stomach.

'I've told you before, Lana...you're the only thing that ever made me truly happy. You still do. Don't talk like you're gonna die because that's not gonna happen. I won't let you. We haven't had nearly enough fun yet.' he smirked and I smiled back at his attempt to cheer me up and lighten the mood.

'Oh, you got some more of your special talents to show me?' I couldn't help but play along with it, knowing that it would make us both feel better.

'I'll get some new ones for you.' Gerard kissed my cheek and wrapped his arms around me. It almost felt as if everything would be okay. At least right now.

I allowed myself to breathe a little easier again, mainly because I realized that as hard as it was for me to see him sad, it was just as hard for him to see me blame myself for being the reason for it.

We eventually fell asleep, still as close as we could possibly be.

*

A week later, we were on our way to New York. Lana had scheduled an appointment with Dr Miller for the next day. Dr Callet in Paris had sent him her test results and on the phone, he had sounded very positive. Lana and I were still anxious. As if this move wasn't stressful and scary enough, now we had to deal with her being sick again. During our last week in Paris, she had asked me almost every day whether I was sure about this. Even at the airport, even now as we sat next to each other, she looked at me as though she thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. And I looked back at her, letting her know that I wouldn't leave her side, come what may.

Mikey met us at Lana's apartment, with a van full of my stuff. He didn't say anything but hugged us both tightly as we got out of the cab. Knowing my brother, I was aware that he just wasn't able to find the right words but his love and support meant everything, to both Lana and I. With his help, I moved my things into her apartment while we ordered Lana to lie down and get some sleep. She protested but eventually she gave in and disappeared into her bedroom.

'How bad is it?' Mikey asked carefully as we sat in the kitchen drinking coffee.

'We don't know yet. They caught it early, I hope. I'm just worried about her. You know, when I first met her, she was at her worst. The doctors didn't know whether she would make it because she was so weak. But she was still so strong, so full of life. Now I feel like she's given up before we even started with the treatment. That's what worries me.'

He was quiet for a while, obviously thinking about what to say.

'Maybe she just needs the right perspective. You're seeing her doctor tomorrow, right? Talking to him might help.'

'Yeah. Maybe. I know she thinks that the fact that the cancer came back means that she's never gonna be 100% healthy. That there's always gonna be the risk of it coming back. And that the chances of it being cured have decreased altogether. I don't know what to tell her. I don't know anything about that stuff.' I said, taking a deep breath.

'She's just in shock. I'm sure that she'll feel better after she talked to the doc. Honestly, I think she's going to be just fine. She's a fighter. And now that you guys are back together, she's got even more to fight for.'

'I hope you're right, man. I really hope you're right.' I replied and he gave me a weak smile.

*

I had listened to their conversation involuntarily. Well, not entirely involuntarily. I had woken up thirsty and on my way to the kitchen I had stopped at the mention of my name. But instead of going back to bed, I had decided to creep closer to eavesdrop.

It broke my heart how right Gerard was with what he was saying. Although I should haven taken comfort in the fact that there was someone like him in my life, someone who knew me that well, someone who could pretty much read me like a book, right now, all I wanted to do was hide from him. As hard as it was to not do it and let him be there for me, face reality together, I knew I had no other choice. And after all, it wasn't like me to throw the towel before even starting the fight.

The next day started early and I forced myself to smile as I looked into the bathroom mirror while brushing my teeth. Gerard looked exhausted as he stepped out of the shower but smiled back at me as he wrapped the towel around his hips.

'You look beautiful.' he said, wrapping his wet arms around me from behind and kissing my shoulder, making me shiver. No matter how much was on my mind, his touches never left me unaffected.

'You are too lovely.' I replied, unable to prevent myself from blushing.

'What do you wanna do today?' he asked and I raised my brows.

'Doctors appointment, remember?'

'Oh I remember. But what do you wanna do afterwards? It snowed again last night, we should go to Central Park. And then get hot chocolate on our way back.'

I loved him for trying so hard and even making trying so hard seem so effortless. I had to follow his example. I had to let him, just like he had let me after Elena's death.

'Sounds good.' but let's just wait and see what Dr Miller says first, I thought to myself, not able to say it out loud and make the hopeful smile on his face disappear.

Comments

I love this story so much!

Jackie Jackie
4/11/18

@alandofunicornsandmikey
Awww thank you!! That means a lot :) <3

the_girl the_girl
7/5/14

So, I pretty much stayed up all morning reading every single story you've published online.... and I just can't get over what a gifted and talented writer you truly are. Your plots, your character lines, the cliffhangers you write, the glorious smut (awww yisss;), the way you start and end a story with such a strong hook that keeps us all dying to eagerly read the next chapter , your skills are truly unbelievable. And as always, I cannot wait until you post a new story or chapter :)

@ronivengeance
Thank you so much :) Always nice to get new comments on older stories :))

the_girl the_girl
3/20/14

THOSE STORIES WERE AMAZING AND I CRIED O MY THIS WAS PERFECT

ronivengeance ronivengeance
3/20/14