Two weeks later I flew to LA to meet up with the guys and see our A&R as well as some other people at Warner. We signed some papers and discussed details about the new album. I told them my ideas for the concept and showed them some artwork I had already done and they were impressed and excited about it. Then we listened to the demos we had recorded on the bus which also earned a lot of praise. Everything was set and after the meeting we visited the El Dorado recording studio in Burbank and Paramour Mansion where we would be staying. I carefully asked whether it was possible to maybe bring Lana and have her staying with me and no one had any objections. On the contrary, Craig seemed excited about meeting her.

'So you two are love-shacking it up in Paris then?' Ray teased as we walked back from 7-Eleven to get cigarettes.

'Pretty much. I swear if it wasn't for Freckles we wouldn't even leave the apartment.' I grinned, searching for my lighter.

'Man, you deserve it. I'm really psyched for you two.'

'Thanks man!' I got excited. Not that I needed Ray's approval, but it meant a lot to me still.

'Well, actions speak louder than words. And you stayed abstinent for what? Two years? Two and a half? Because you couldn't be with her. That's crazy but it's also kinda adorable. And admirable.' he cracked open his can of coke and we walked back to the car.

'I wanna marry her one day.' I said, without really thinking.

Ray looked at me in surprise and I took another drag of my cig before throwing it away. I had never thought about getting married before. The whole notion of marriage had always seemed a bit foreign to me, like it just wasn't something I would ever do. I couldn't see myself as a husband and to be honest, I had no idea how Lana felt about it. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I woke up and felt her arms around me, her breath against my skin, I was happy just thinking about being with her forever. But never once had I considered getting a ring and asking her.

'Do it. Why not. You love her, she loves you. What's stopping you?' Ray said.

'It's too soon. Also, I don't think she's into it. Maybe some time. Maybe once we got used to being together. I mean, first things first, right? I'm not sure we're even in a relationship. You know? We haven't established the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet.'

'Oh you're in a relationship alright. You're just scared. Both of you. You'll get over it. And then you'll realize how serious it really is.'

'I have no problem with serious. Actually, I want serious. I want everything with her.' I smiled to myself and Ray slapped me on the shoulder.

*

'How's the meeting?' I asked Gerard. I was about to go to bed when he had called from Los Angeles wanting to wish me a good night.

'It's alright. Everyone's excited for the new record. We got Rob Cavallo as our producer. And he's awesome. He's worked with Green Day, Dave Matthews Band...'

'Oh I love Dave Matthews Band!' I said, getting excited too.

'I know! Me too! But yeah, he's awesome. He's talking about turning this into a big fucking rock opera. And you remember James Jean, right? The artist who drew me as this elven warrior for Spin? I talked to him and he's gonna do some artwork for us based on the sketches I did.'

'The drawing of the parade?' I asked.

'Yes! I emailed him a scan and he's already working on something.' he sounded so happy, it gave me butterflies.

'Did he say anything about the comic as well?' I asked, knowing that he wanted to work with him on that too.

'Yeah, he's actually close to finishing a first draft. He sent me a pic, I'll show you when I get home. It looks amazing. If we're lucky and we find a publisher before May, we could show it at Comic Con. That would be crazy. But I'm trying not to get carried away, I still have to finish so much work before that. Who knows if I'll get it done in time.'

'You will. I mean the comic is pretty much ready to go, right? All you need is an artist and the publisher and I bet that guy at Dark Horse is gonna come through for you. He sounded impressed in his email.'

Even though a huge workload meant that we wouldn't be able to spend that much time together, all I wanted was for Gerard to do what he enjoyed doing. He had been talking about the new album and the comic non-stop and since he had shared it all with me and I knew how incredibly talented he was, I couldn't wait for him to unleash it into the world. Things were happening and I felt honored to experience it with him. And once I was back in the States with him, we would be able to find a way to spend time together despite his busy schedule.

The next day I went to the school early to meet with Madame Bonnet and interview possible teachers to replace me. If we found a suitable candidate, I would be able to leave in just a week or two, depending on when I'd get the required paperwork for Freckles from the American Embassy. Apart from that, I was pretty much ready to go.

Just as we called in the second candidate, my phone rang and I excused myself as I saw the number.

'Hello Miss Rousseau? This is Dr Callet.' my oncologist greeted me. This was most likely about my upcoming visit. I had already seen my GP a week ago and he had taken some blood to get it tested so we'd have the blood work ready in time for the check-up.

'Yes?'

'I was wondering if you could come in this afternoon, there are a few things I'd like to discuss with you.' although his voice sounded relatively calm, I couldn't help but feel unsettled.

*

After an early dinner with our team, I was able to catch the red eye back to Paris and I arrived earlier than planned on wednesday morning. I knew Lana was at school, teaching a lesson until noon so I decided to surprise her with lunch. On the way to her apartment I stopped at her favorite sushi place to get food and the confectioner's to get her favorite dessert. Then, I bought a bouquet of daisies.

Luckily she wasn't home yet when I entered the apartment and I set everything up while Freckles ran around like a headless chicken, infected by my excitement.

But thirty minutes later, she still hadn't come home. Maybe there had been a hold-up at the school, maybe she had something to discuss with a parent or a fellow teacher or this Madame Bonnet person. Maybe they had finally found a replacement for her. Although I didn't mind staying in Paris for a little longer, I couldn't wait to bring Lana back to New York.

An hour later I thought about calling her. But that would ruin the surprise. I wanted her to open the door, not expecting me to sit there waiting with the flowers in my hand. I wanted to see her face light up, I wanted to hear her squeal before she threw herself at me as if she hadn't seen me in weeks or months even though it had only been two days.

Two hours later, I was starting to get worried so I texted Célia to see if she had met up with lunch with her or if she knew where she was. She replied, telling me that she hadn't seen her but told me not to worry, that she had probably just gotten carried away since she didn't know I was waiting for her at home.

Three hours later I finally gave in and called her. But she didn't pick up and my call went to voicemail. I tried the ballet school but some french woman told me that Lana had left hours ago. Panic set in. It was probably unreasonable but I couldn't help it. Where the fuck was she?

It was already getting dark outside when I finally heard the key in the door and I jumped up, relieved, until I looked in Lana's tear-dimmed eyes.

'What happened? Where have you been? Are you okay?' I asked as she walked past me, spotting the flowers and the food on the table.

'Lana?' I followed her, grabbing her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at me.

'I'm sorry. I had to run some errands.' she said and I immediately could tell she was lying.

*

'Where have you been? What's wrong? You've been crying. And don't you dare lie to me.' he sounded fierce but scared of my answer.

And I was scared of answering him. Everything had been so perfect in the last couple of weeks, I simply didn't want to face the truth. That just when we were ready to be with each other, just when we had worked out our issues, this was happening. Again.

'Lana tell me!' he shook me softly but I freed myself from his grasp, walking over to the couch.

'I can't...' he sat down next to me, not willing to give up.

'You can't what?' he asked, searching for a truthful answer in my eyes. Instead, they welled up with tears again. 'Lana! You can't what?'

I took a deep breath. 'I can't come to New York with you. I'm sorry. This was a mistake.' It broke my heart saying it but I had to do it.

'Excuse me? What? Why? Lana, what are you talking about? What is going on?'

'I just can't come back with you.' I whispered, wishing he would just go away so I didn't have to deal with this.

'Okay. I have no idea what's going on but you know what? Whatever it is, we'll get through it. I'm NOT letting you off the hook that easily. Not again. If you can't come back to New York with me then I'll stay here with you. Fuck it. Fuck New York. Fuck the band. Fuck everything. I don't care what you say.' Gerard said, getting up from the couch again and starting to pace around the room. He didn't understand. How could I make him understand?

'No. I don't want you to stay. I don't want you. Please, Gerard!' I cried and he stopped, staring at me in shock.

'You don't want me? What? Lana, stop bullshitting!' he shouted.

'Please...please don't make me do this.' I muttered, hiding my face in my hands.

'Make you do what? Lana, just tell me! I love you! I'm not going anywhere, whatever it is. But please, just tell me!' he got down on his knees in front of me, taking my hands in his and I stared down at them for a while.

I had to tell him. Pushing him away wasn't working. And it wasn't what I wanted anyway. I needed him more than ever but I wished that I could protect him from going through this again. Finally, I looked at him.

'The cancer's back.'

Notes

yeah...I know...I'm sorry