New life same thoughts
I'm human too y'know
He was kissing me gerard was kissing me. I didn't want him to kiss me. I know Gerard's good looking and I'm gay but I never pictured us together in any way.
That may be because he fucking ruined my new life but I never thought of us together or even as friends until yesterday.
i kissed back in fear of what he'd do if I didn't. I wasn't scared of kissing him it's just I still feel somewhat uncomfortable around him.
As soon as I had begun to kiss back after the initial shock faded he swung his leg over me and straddled me. He pried my mouth open with his tongue and began exploring my mouth.
it was a really weird feeling. I had never been kissed by someone. I was the lonely suicidal teen faggot according to everyone so I wasn't exactly getting any.
The only person who had ever kissed me was my dad.
he kissed me and then raped me.
Multiple times.
The way Gerard's straddling me made me think of what happened at the movie theater the one night between me and my dad. I began to remember the horrific night and I began to get scared.
I didnt want to have sex with gerard. I really didn't want to have to sex with anyone or even have anyone touch me. I had thought about having a relationship after what happened with my dad but I couldn't bring myself to do it and I couldn't find anyone that would even talk to me.
yet here gerad was. He was making out with me and I was kissing back in fear. He grinded his hips against mine and I stopped kissing or even moving in general.
He pulled back and my eyes grew wide in fear that he'd hit me. That's what my dad did when I didn't do what he wanted, so what was stopping gerard from hitting me.
i couldnt speak i just stared at him scared shitless.
"frank?..."
When I didn't respond he sat up. He was still straddling me but he was sitting up and his ass was right on my crotch.
"Frank." He said more serious this time.
I didnt know know what he wanted me to say so I just kept my mouth shut.
"Frank what's wrong?"
Why did he ask me these questions I couldnt answer? I didn't want to say anything wrong and get hit.
"Frank do you not want me to kiss you?" He asked and sounded to be worried.
I racked my brain for something to say that wouldnt end up with me getting a black eye. "Do you want to kiss me?"
"well that's why I kissed you in the first place."
"Then kiss me."
"But frank-"
"gerard just do what you want to do. I promise I won't fight back." I said quickly just wanting to get this over with.
Instead of kissing me gerard climbed off me and pulled me up into a sitting position so we were sitting across from each other with him in front of me.
"what the hell are you saying?"
I didn't understand why he stopped and just didn't kiss me.
"Frank answer me god dammit!"
"I-I'm sorry"
"what are you sorry for? Frank if you didn't want me to kiss you why did you kiss back?"
I mumbled under my breath.
"what did you say?" He said not understanding my mumbles.
"I said because I didn't want to get hit."
He instantly looked taken a back. He grabbed my hands and made me look at him. "Why did you think I'd hit you?"
"Because you hated me since the day I moved here and then you pulled this shit, and I didn't want get hit like last time I didn't kiss back!" I snapped
"We never.....frank what did your dad do to you?" He said and pulled me into a hug.
****************************
currently I was sobbing mess in Gerard's arms. I told him everything. Not skipping out on any detail.
For some reason I was able to open up to him. He reassured me that we were friends now and that he was sorry for kissing me, but I knew he didn't regret the actual kiss.
"frank I can't even imagine how painful that must've been for you to deal with... I just holy shit I probably would've killed myself." He said before realizing what that sentence meant to me.
"Trust me I tried." I said bitterly.
"Frank no god I'm so sorry I didn't mean to offend you-"
"why not go ahead I'm used to it. I'm the suicidal faggot that let's his dad take advantage of him. I'm used to being made of it doesn't do much anymore I'm a failure,I've accepted that. I can't even fucking kill myself without screwing up goddammit!"
"frank." He said reaching out and touching my shoulder.
"Don't fucking touch me!" I snapped standing up off the bed.
"Gerard just pretend that this night never happened and we'll just go back to hating each other."
As I sat in my room cutting my fucking phone kept beeping. Gerard was blowing up my Facebook with messages and I was ignoring all of them.
God I was so fucking stupid! How could I just tell him everything that happened to me and then piss him off by leaving?! He's probably just going to tell everyone.
"Fuck!" I gasped as I made a particularly deep cut.
After I made a few more I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something. It was 2 am and mom was working
the night shift and wouldn't be back until 10 tomorrow morning.
i grabbed a jacket and my phone and after wrapping my new cuts I walked outside. I walked down my street and then I heard someone call after me. I turned and saw gerard. Shit I mumbled and began to walk faster.
I turned and saw he was now running after me. I began running and making random turns since I still didn't know the area that well and only walked from school to therapy to home.
I ended up in some random ass park and knew I couldn't run away any more without him catching me. he was running fast and my smokers lungs were killing.
"frank! Frank stop!"
"Fine I'll stop! I'm not running anymore! Go ahead take your shot you prick!" I said holding out my arms signaling for him to punch me.
"frank I don't want to hurt you and I didn't mean to make fun of you. I'd never make fun of suicide it's horrible it's a tragedy and if someone makes fun of someone who felt so much like shit they thought dying was the best option then they should burn in hell." He said and then stopped to take a breath.
"why are you suddenly being nice to me! Are you trying to mess with me?! I mean you fucking hate me and cause me to try and kill myself for the sixth fucking time and then you pull the were friends now shit and then you fucking kiss me! Do you not know how much that messes with my head!? Gerard I have severe anxiety and trusting people isn't something I can do easily! You hating me and then wanting to fuck me the next minute doesn't do anything except give me a reason to worry!"
"Frank I-"
"no just don't I need time to think. I don't know wether to be mad or pissed or happy or wether I should fucking....just I don't even know! Just please like I said earlier forget this night ever happened and we can just go back to avoiding each other."
"Frank I don't want to avoid you! I kissed you because I developed feelings for you not because I wanted someone to get me off! I wouldn't have done anything you didn't want me to!"
"Oh so when did you develop feelings for me? After you found out I was raped and began to pity me or after you accidentally saw my junk at therapy?"
"Frank I I have never been attracted to another person like I'm attracted to you! Yes I pitied you after I found out you were raped I do have a fucking heart you know! But I liked you before that! And what the hell does it matter that I accidentally saw your junk? It's not like I even really saw anything because of where I was sitting! I'm sorry I have fucking feelings for you!"
"The only feeling anyone's ever shown me is lust and that was my dad! Yea my mom is nice to me but any kids doctors or therapists all they do is fucking pity me and I'm sick of being treated like some diseased person! I'm a human being too and I'm sick of no one treating me like one because it's hurts!"
That may be because he fucking ruined my new life but I never thought of us together or even as friends until yesterday.
i kissed back in fear of what he'd do if I didn't. I wasn't scared of kissing him it's just I still feel somewhat uncomfortable around him.
As soon as I had begun to kiss back after the initial shock faded he swung his leg over me and straddled me. He pried my mouth open with his tongue and began exploring my mouth.
it was a really weird feeling. I had never been kissed by someone. I was the lonely suicidal teen faggot according to everyone so I wasn't exactly getting any.
The only person who had ever kissed me was my dad.
he kissed me and then raped me.
Multiple times.
The way Gerard's straddling me made me think of what happened at the movie theater the one night between me and my dad. I began to remember the horrific night and I began to get scared.
I didnt want to have sex with gerard. I really didn't want to have to sex with anyone or even have anyone touch me. I had thought about having a relationship after what happened with my dad but I couldn't bring myself to do it and I couldn't find anyone that would even talk to me.
yet here gerad was. He was making out with me and I was kissing back in fear. He grinded his hips against mine and I stopped kissing or even moving in general.
He pulled back and my eyes grew wide in fear that he'd hit me. That's what my dad did when I didn't do what he wanted, so what was stopping gerard from hitting me.
i couldnt speak i just stared at him scared shitless.
"frank?..."
When I didn't respond he sat up. He was still straddling me but he was sitting up and his ass was right on my crotch.
"Frank." He said more serious this time.
I didnt know know what he wanted me to say so I just kept my mouth shut.
"Frank what's wrong?"
Why did he ask me these questions I couldnt answer? I didn't want to say anything wrong and get hit.
"Frank do you not want me to kiss you?" He asked and sounded to be worried.
I racked my brain for something to say that wouldnt end up with me getting a black eye. "Do you want to kiss me?"
"well that's why I kissed you in the first place."
"Then kiss me."
"But frank-"
"gerard just do what you want to do. I promise I won't fight back." I said quickly just wanting to get this over with.
Instead of kissing me gerard climbed off me and pulled me up into a sitting position so we were sitting across from each other with him in front of me.
"what the hell are you saying?"
I didn't understand why he stopped and just didn't kiss me.
"Frank answer me god dammit!"
"I-I'm sorry"
"what are you sorry for? Frank if you didn't want me to kiss you why did you kiss back?"
I mumbled under my breath.
"what did you say?" He said not understanding my mumbles.
"I said because I didn't want to get hit."
He instantly looked taken a back. He grabbed my hands and made me look at him. "Why did you think I'd hit you?"
"Because you hated me since the day I moved here and then you pulled this shit, and I didn't want get hit like last time I didn't kiss back!" I snapped
"We never.....frank what did your dad do to you?" He said and pulled me into a hug.
****************************
currently I was sobbing mess in Gerard's arms. I told him everything. Not skipping out on any detail.
For some reason I was able to open up to him. He reassured me that we were friends now and that he was sorry for kissing me, but I knew he didn't regret the actual kiss.
"frank I can't even imagine how painful that must've been for you to deal with... I just holy shit I probably would've killed myself." He said before realizing what that sentence meant to me.
"Trust me I tried." I said bitterly.
"Frank no god I'm so sorry I didn't mean to offend you-"
"why not go ahead I'm used to it. I'm the suicidal faggot that let's his dad take advantage of him. I'm used to being made of it doesn't do much anymore I'm a failure,I've accepted that. I can't even fucking kill myself without screwing up goddammit!"
"frank." He said reaching out and touching my shoulder.
"Don't fucking touch me!" I snapped standing up off the bed.
"Gerard just pretend that this night never happened and we'll just go back to hating each other."
As I sat in my room cutting my fucking phone kept beeping. Gerard was blowing up my Facebook with messages and I was ignoring all of them.
God I was so fucking stupid! How could I just tell him everything that happened to me and then piss him off by leaving?! He's probably just going to tell everyone.
"Fuck!" I gasped as I made a particularly deep cut.
After I made a few more I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something. It was 2 am and mom was working
the night shift and wouldn't be back until 10 tomorrow morning.
i grabbed a jacket and my phone and after wrapping my new cuts I walked outside. I walked down my street and then I heard someone call after me. I turned and saw gerard. Shit I mumbled and began to walk faster.
I turned and saw he was now running after me. I began running and making random turns since I still didn't know the area that well and only walked from school to therapy to home.
I ended up in some random ass park and knew I couldn't run away any more without him catching me. he was running fast and my smokers lungs were killing.
"frank! Frank stop!"
"Fine I'll stop! I'm not running anymore! Go ahead take your shot you prick!" I said holding out my arms signaling for him to punch me.
"frank I don't want to hurt you and I didn't mean to make fun of you. I'd never make fun of suicide it's horrible it's a tragedy and if someone makes fun of someone who felt so much like shit they thought dying was the best option then they should burn in hell." He said and then stopped to take a breath.
"why are you suddenly being nice to me! Are you trying to mess with me?! I mean you fucking hate me and cause me to try and kill myself for the sixth fucking time and then you pull the were friends now shit and then you fucking kiss me! Do you not know how much that messes with my head!? Gerard I have severe anxiety and trusting people isn't something I can do easily! You hating me and then wanting to fuck me the next minute doesn't do anything except give me a reason to worry!"
"Frank I-"
"no just don't I need time to think. I don't know wether to be mad or pissed or happy or wether I should fucking....just I don't even know! Just please like I said earlier forget this night ever happened and we can just go back to avoiding each other."
"Frank I don't want to avoid you! I kissed you because I developed feelings for you not because I wanted someone to get me off! I wouldn't have done anything you didn't want me to!"
"Oh so when did you develop feelings for me? After you found out I was raped and began to pity me or after you accidentally saw my junk at therapy?"
"Frank I I have never been attracted to another person like I'm attracted to you! Yes I pitied you after I found out you were raped I do have a fucking heart you know! But I liked you before that! And what the hell does it matter that I accidentally saw your junk? It's not like I even really saw anything because of where I was sitting! I'm sorry I have fucking feelings for you!"
"The only feeling anyone's ever shown me is lust and that was my dad! Yea my mom is nice to me but any kids doctors or therapists all they do is fucking pity me and I'm sick of being treated like some diseased person! I'm a human being too and I'm sick of no one treating me like one because it's hurts!"
Binged read this.
Love it!
2/8/16