Stay With Me

I was back in the waiting room again. This time there were no nerves, just a mild sense of anticipation. I was admittedly a little hesitant about what topics would be brought up with Nina this week but I figured it couldn’t get more awkward than the things we’ve already discussed. If I can talk to her about Nick I figured I could survive anything else she chose to bring up and dissect into a million pieces. Maybe I would have another breakthrough moment, or maybe it would just be a boring, draining session. I had no particular desire to be here, but once the fear and dread had been taken away I found that I wasn’t too annoyed that I was here again. After two weeks it was a part of my routine already and with that a sense of stability that I liked. Nina, while not my favourite person in the world, was someone who listened to me, even if she was being paid to do. It was nice to have someone who I didn’t have to restrict myself with. Also, it would be a lie if I said I wasn’t hoping to get a glimpse of Gerard before my session started. He was on my mind a lot, to the point of distraction. Maybe for the same reason I was slowly becoming more at ease with the idea of seeing Nina on a weekly basis. He listened, and better yet he understood. I appreciated the unique combination that happened to be concealed in a rather attractive, kind, funny form.

‘Grace?’ Nina’s voice called out from her office.

I ignored the pang of disappointment over not seeing Gerard as I stood up. I walked over to the door, smiling when I caught a frazzled looking Gerard entering the waiting room. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second before I closed the door behind me and took my normal seat across from Nina.

‘So Grace, how are you feeling this week?’ Nina got stuck in, not giving me a moment to take a breather before starting our session.

‘Better. I mean, the last couple of days haven’t been too bad so…’ I trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

‘You and Frank made up then?’ Nina asked, a smile on her face.

‘Sort of. We’re talking, but only because I had a nightmare a couple of nights ago. I think he’s worried that I’ll go off again or something.’ I mumbled.

‘What was your nightmare about?’ she leaned forward, her eyes lighting up with renewed interest. She was genuinely curious, for what reasons I couldn’t begin to try and guess.

I explained the nightmare, not entirely comfortable with describing it but I accepted it was necessary. There was no point in paying her for her service if I wasn’t going to do my part. Who knows, maybe by talking about it I could exorcise the lingering fear and helplessness that remained in the aftermath.

‘Why do you think you dreamt about that particular memory?’ Nina asked, vague curiosity lacing her otherwise detached voice.

I sighed but I refrained from rolling my eyes. She always asked the questions I wanted her to answer.

‘I don’t know. I hadn’t even thought about it in a long time.’

Nina’s eyes narrowed at me, scrutinising me in a way that I was slowly getting use to.

‘Was it a regular occurrence for Nick to invite a friend along?’

‘No, that was the first and only time.’

‘It must have been a frightening experience’ she stated.

‘It was. It was the first time I realised just how much control he had over me, how far he could go to humiliate me.’

‘Is that what you believe it was? That he was trying to show his ownership of you?’ Nina asked while leaning back against the couch.

‘Partly. He enjoyed blackmailing me and forcing me to do things for him. He could control me and he made sure I knew it. He could give me away to his friends and get away with it because he had me wrapped around his finger in fear.’

‘Do you think you had the dream because you feel like you’ve been losing control recently, or possibly emotionally blackmailed? You spoke about how Frank wasn’t speaking to you because you refused to speak to him about what triggered your suicide attempt. He was creating an emotional distance in order to push you into confiding in him, maybe you felt like he was trying to control you in the way Nick use to?’

I glared at her. I hated how she could take what I said and twist it in such a way that it distorted my view of other things that were unrelated. I hated it because I knew she was right on some level.

‘Frank is nothing like Nick. He’s never tried to control me or what I do. He’s never tried to hurt me.’

She smirked when she sensed my anger and leaned forward again. It bothered me to no end how she couldn’t stay still. Every two minutes she was moving back and forth, giving me a headache from the constant motion.

‘I don’t think Frank is anything like Nick, that’s not what I was trying to imply. I simply meant that Frank is understandable frustrated being kept in the dark and his response to distance himself made you feel threatened and coerced, whether that was his intention or not. This is all about your perception of what’s going on in your life, not mine.’

That made sense I suppose. I suddenly didn’t want to talk about it anymore though. Things were slowly getting better with Frank and I wasn’t going to focus on the dream/memory. The next words tumbled out of my mouth without much consideration going into them.

‘I went out for a coffee with Gerard last week after our session.’

Nina’s face fell in confusion, and I could tell I surprised her. I felt a little pride at that. I finally got a genuine reaction from her.

‘Dr Finn’s patient?’

‘Yeah. He asked me if I wanted to talk, and I had nothing else to do so…’

‘What did you talk about?’

I recognised the expression on her face. It was undisguised curiosity.

‘I told him about Nick after he told me about his own… abuse. When he opened up I felt like there was someone who could…understand me I suppose? I don’t know, it was strange, but in a good way.’

‘That’s understandable.’

She wasn’t impressed. I could see it on her face, in the way her lips were pressed together and her normally smooth forehead was wrinkled with frown lines.

‘Do you think I shouldn’t be talking to him?’ I asked.

‘I wouldn’t say that. It’s good to be able to talk to someone who is going through similar problems. Everyone needs an outlet.’

She was lying. Her smile was the most insincere one I’ve seen since the last time I met my mother. I wanted to know why. Did she know something about him I didn’t? Maybe she didn’t trust me with him. Maybe she thought I would bring him down with all my issues. I wanted to ask her, but there was no way she’d tell me.

‘That’s why I gave him my number’ I told her, secretly wishing to goad her into admitting her disapproval.

‘Oh. Have you been in contact much?’

‘We text a lot but we never talk on the phone. I get the feeling he’s lonely or something, you know? Nobody deserves to feel that way.’

‘Maybe he likes being alone. Most people enjoy the company of others, but some people find that they prefer their solitude.’

‘I don’t think he does though. I think he was reaching out, not to help me but to help himself. Does that make sense?’

‘It does. How do you feel about someone depending on you for their…emotional outlet?’

I shrugged.

‘I don’t mind. He’s a nice guy, it’s not like he’s clingy or anything.’

‘Grace…’ Nina sighed, a slight edge of frustration to her voice ‘ it’s important for you to focus on yourself right now. Just make sure you don’t allow yourself to become too involved in someone else’s problems.’

‘I’m not going to get too involved. Scout’s honour’ I saluted her, amused by the concern she was showing. Maybe part of did care about her patients. Miracles could happen.

She glared at my flippancy. She could have been a principal with her ability to ooze disapproval with just one look. I grinned sheepishly, slightly apologetic for my action but not enough to actually apologise.

‘Our time is up for this week. I’ll see you next Monday Grace. Look after yourself Grace.’

Her words were laced with some kind of motherly concern that I hadn’t heard in a very long. I couldn’t help the tears that sprung to my eyes at hearing such a caring tone. I cleared my throat and blinked the tears away. My mother issues would have to be dealt with another day.

‘I will. You too.’

I left the office and just like last week I waited for him. There’s nothing wrong with spending time with Gerard, in fact it was a good thing to spend time with someone I felt so comfortable with. Being around people is a good thing. Nina was wrong to be so worried. I had no fears about getting too involved. Maybe he was depending on me for his emotional needs, but the way I saw it, it was a two way street. I was using him too. Maybe I wasn’t pouring my heart to him but he filled a void I didn’t realise existed.

When I saw him stepping into the waiting room, I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my lips. He always managed to look good no matter what. His jeans were a little worn looking, and the bags under his eyes were more pronounced than last week but when he returned my smile the bags and tattered jeans didn’t seem to be as noticeable anymore.

‘You have time for a coffee?’

I don’t know where the sudden confidence came from. Maybe it was because I knew he wouldn’t say no. Not to sound narcissistic, but with the amount of time we spent texting I was certain he enjoyed my company, plus I knew he had nowhere else to be right then. A part of me knew I should be going straight home to try and fix things with Frank instead of spending time with Gerard, but I didn’t care. Not right then anyway.

‘Lead the way.’

Notes

So sorry for the delay in updating. I was in a bot of a rut, but I seem to be climbing out of it now. So hopefully I shall be back to regular weekly updates.

As always, comments/subscriptions/votes are welcomed and encouraged.


p.s I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.