Stay With Me

“I must say, it’s nice to finally meet you, Frank.”

Nina’s voice was cheerful. Too fucking cheerful, really. What right did she have, to sit across from us with that plastered smile on her face, and act like this was nothing more than a friendly get together?

“Likewise,” Frank’s voice was polite, as he always was. Only, I knew that he wasn’t feeling nearly as polite as he sounded.

Things were tense. We sat on opposite sides of the couch, which was a flashing light to anybody that something wasn’t right. I was sitting up too straight, causing my back to ache from the new position (I always had terrible posture). Frank was leaning forward, his knees resting on his thighs, and his hands clasped together.

“So, what brings the two of you here?”

I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t help it – it was obvious why we were there.

Neither of us answered. I don’t think either of us were ready to admit what had happened out loud. We had avoided talking about it in the days since Frank had found out. We avoided talking, full stop. Frank didn’t look at me, didn’t talk to me. When I asked him if he wanted to come with me to the session that night, he had only nodded his head. He was like a robot, on autopilot. He went about his day, but I could see the faraway look in his eyes whenever he was home.

I felt like I had killed a part of him. The part of him that always fought, that always had a glimmer of hope, that never gave up, had disappeared. He was so listless in his actions; nothing seemed to have any effect on him anymore. It scared me shitless, to see the man I loved so defeated, so not himself, and knowing that it was me who had done it to him, just made it all the worse.

You were supposed to support and protect the person you love. You did everything in your power to make them feel better, and they were your number one priority in everything you did. Somewhere down the line, I had let him slip. I had put myself, my selfishness, first, and now I was reaping what I had sowed.

“He found out about Gerard,” I finally whispered, cringing.

“Last one to know, I see,” Frank giggled bitterly.

“I see,” Nina spoke carefully.

I could see she was thinking quickly, yet carefully.

“Okay,” she spoke slowly, “first off, the fact that the two of you came here is a good sign. I can see that there’s a lot of anger, but being able to put it aside for long enough to come here, shows that you both aren’t ready to give up on your relationship yet. That’s very positive.”

I clung onto her words. For once, I felt like Nina was finally speaking words that I could fully get behind.

“May I ask what your current…arrangement is? Are you still living together? What’s your situation as of now?”

“I’m sleeping on the couch,” Frank answered.

“So, you’re still in the same apartment?” Nina asked, receiving a nod from both of us in response.

“I’ll be upfront. I think space would be a good thing for the two of you right now. In situations like these, there tends to be a lot of anger on both sides. It can lead to an escalation of tensions.”

“Surely we need to be in the same place to work things out?” panic engulfed me, forcing the words from my throat.

I felt a flicker of panic at Nina’s words, along with the keen stab of betrayal. She was supposed to help us, not urge us apart.

“I’m talking about space, Grace, not separation. There’s a difference. You still need to be in contact, and communicate. In most cases, a lot of couples will find that when they communicate more when apart. They have to make a conscious effort to keep in touch, and to spend time together. We listen more when we set time apart to be with a person.”

I bit my lip. But I understood her reasons. As much as I didn’t want to, I did. It made sense, in a way. It just didn’t feel right. The panic didn’t ease. Frank not being there at the end of the day, not smelling his cologne in the mornings when I wake up…how could that be right?

“How about we leave that to digest for a little while. Seeing as you are both here, now is a great time for the two of you to talk about what’s happened. Have you discussed it at all?”

“What is there to discuss? She was fucking some guy behind my back. For months.”

Franks bitterness and anger hadn’t abated in the days since he found out. I could hear it in his words. He was wounded, and humiliated.

“Have you discussed why the infidelity occurred? There is never a clear black and white reason. Most people are unfaithful because they feel like their needs aren’t being met in some shape or form. That’s not to place the blame on the other party, but, it’s rarely as simple as people make it out to be.”

Frank shook his head, sitting up a little straighter, fire blazing in his eyes with anger.

“So, it’s my fault?”

“No, Frank, it’s not. That’s not what I said at all. What I said, is that, a lot of the time, there is an underlining issue in the relationship when it comes to infidelity. Whether it’s one partner questioning their role in the relationship after a baby comes along, or a change in career that changed the dynamics, or if an event from outside of the ‘couple’ causes a shift in the relationship. People change, and how we respond and communicate with our other halves can change too, only sometimes, the other person doesn’t get the memo. While there is no excuse for infidelity, there is also no one cause or blame.”

Frank, who had maintained eye contact with Nina during her little speech, was now looking at his clasped hands, which were resting on his lap. He looked like a little lost boy, and I just couldn’t look at him.

“When my parents divorced, it was one of the worst times of my life. I was only eight, and one day, my parents told me that they didn’t love each other anymore. Even then, I had an idea something was going on. My dad worked all the time, my mother was always so fucking sad when it was half past six, and he still wasn’t home. He introduced me to my future stepmom two weeks after he moved out. I was so fucking angry, not at him, but at myself. I wondered if I had done something to push him away. I acted up sometimes. I was a fucking kid, you know? I sometimes didn’t do my homework, or I would talk back. Things all children do. I always felt like it was my fault, that I wasn’t good enough. What had I done to make him want to leave? It was only later that I realised there was more to it than that, but that feeling…it never went away, not really.”

“That’s common with children of divorced parents. Is that how you feel now? That Grace’s infidelity was your fault?”

“How is it not?” Frank’s voice wavered.

“It’s not your fault, Frank. None of it was your fault.” I blurted out.

“Do you think you can explain why?” Nina asked, leaning forward.

I turned to look at Frank, who wouldn’t meet my eyes. He kept his eyes on his lap, but I knew he was listening.

“When we met, I always thought you were too good for me. And you are. You’re this fucking knight in shining armour. You loved me, when I didn’t even love myself. You gave me hope that I could be more than my past, that it didn’t control me. You were, are, fucking perfect. Then, after that night…at my mother’s house…I realised that I was never going to escape it. What he did to me. I could bury it, but it was always going to come back. I wanted to be something I’m not. The thing is, I am my past. We can’t erase it, no matter how hard we try.

And I was so scared you wouldn’t believe me, about my past, or what happened that night. I had hidden it for so long, why would you? I didn’t want the image you had of me destroyed. What we had was so good, and I didn’t want that to change. Gerard… He knew from the beginning that I was broken, even before he knew why. Then we got closer, and we found out our pasts were similar, and I…I felt like I could be open with him. That he wouldn’t judge me. I could spill my guts to him in a way I couldn’t with you. You took what happened so badly, and you looked at me like a ticking time bomb. I know you were just worried, but it was so hard to be around that, to know that the person you love doesn’t trust you anymore. ”

“You really know how to make me feel small, don’t you?” Frank muttered.

“I’m trying to be honest. I’m not saying I was right to think that way. It just spiralled. He was so…earnest. He wanted to help me. He didn’t see me as a broken person. He loved me-”

I cut myself off, realising I had said too much. Frank’s head snapped up.

“Did he tell you that? That he loved you?” he asked.

Fuck, why had I said that?

“Grace, now is the time to get all these issues out of the way,” Nina interjected, when I didn’t answer.

“Yes.”

“Did you tell him you loved him back?”

“No.”

“Did you? Do you, love him?”

There was that question again. The one I really didn’t want to answer.

“I don’t know. I think I love what he represented, more than anything.”

The words felt like a lie. I didn’t know if they were – I hoped they weren’t.

“Do you still love me?”

“Yes.”

“I think what we need to discuss is whether you are both willing to work towards moving past this. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. It needs a committed effort, though, from both parties. If you feel like you can’t move past this, it’s time to be honest about that. A relationship can’t survive if the aggrieved party isn’t able, or willing, to put the infidelity behind them. Are you capable of forgiving?”

I waited for Frank to answer. The ball was in his court right then–the fate of our future was firmly with him, and whether he could truly forgive what I had done.

“I think I can try.”

Notes

So, what are you guys thinking? I always love to hear your thoughts and opinions.

Also, from next chapter on, the story is going to take a bit of a turn...I'm half excited, half terrified for you guys to see what's in store.

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Lyra xxx