Stay With Me

I didn’t go home to Frank that night. I was just so angry, so hurt; too raw and emotional to really want to put myself through the agony of explaining what happened all over again. Frank hadn’t been there when I needed him, so in my spite, I felt like he didn’t deserve to be the one to comfort me. My phone rang, and rang, and rang, the ringtone driving me insane and piercing my eardrums to the point of near nausea from the high-pitched tone, until I sent him a short and blunt text telling him that I was okay and in a safe place, and turned my phone on silent.

Gerard didn’t say anything about the phone calls. He didn’t ask why Frank hadn’t been there.All he asked was why I hadn’t called him. In hindsight, I really wished I had. I wish I had picked up the phone and called him, pleaded with him to be there with me when Frank had failed to show up. I didn’t give him an answer, though in truth I knew why. I couldn’t ask for more of him than I already had. I take and took, and took, and every time I took a little more; it chipped away at me a fraction more, it made me want to hurt myself to get rid of the guilt.

It was midnight when Gerard finally cleared his throat awkwardly and asked if I was staying the night. I’d nodded my head, my eyes tired from the sobs and my mind a fog of weariness and exhaustion. I don’t remember him taking me to bed. I may have fallen asleep on the couch for all I know. I woke up in his arms, in his bed, warm, comfortable, and for a few moments blissfully not recalling the events of the night before. Then, when the haze of sleep drifted away, it came back, and I felt numb. Like it hadn’t happened. Like it wasn’t real. It felt like it had been a dream, a nightmare that clung to consciousness, and stored its images in my memory bank to decipher its meaning in the waking hours. Gerard was still sleeping, his face a serene picture of peace. His mouth hung open a little, leaving a tiny sliver of drool to leak onto his pillow. It didn’t bother me, or disgust me. I found it oddly endearing. It was real – he was real. He wasn’t perfect, but he was real, and he was mine...for the time being. There was a part of me that wanted to wake him up, just to see his amazing hazel eyes first thing in the morning. I wanted to see what kind of morning person he was – was he the cheerful kind, or the grumpy grouch who didn’t function until he had a hit of caffeine. I imagined a mix of the two in my mind. I couldn’t see him being an irritable grouch who snapped, but I imaged he only perked up once he had coffee. I suppose maybe I just wanted to see if my image of him was accurate, if I knew him as well as I thought I did, or hoped.

When he did wake up, not long after me, he greeted me with a lopsided smile that caused my cheeks to flush.

“Mornin’, sugar,” he rasped, throat a little hoarse from sleep.

“Morning,” I muttered shyly, curling into his side and just enjoying his warmth, his scent, the feel of him next to me, and just how comfortable it all felt. It was safe. It was near perfect. We didn’t fool around that morning, we just laid in bed for a while, before hunger made me get up and look for food. It turned out that Gerard didn’t stock much food, but the bread was good enough to toast, and the coffee was wonderful. It hit me with a pang that I was looking into what might be, what could be, if I were to choose it. Was this what every morning could be like? Could it always be this relaxed, this warm, this loving? Or was it just because this was still a novelty, and a first time, so we were both on our best behaviour, and thankful that we were there.

Of course, my phone rang, Frank’s name flashing on the phone, and the normal guilt I felt wasn’t there. Not as strongly, at least. I knew he must have been worried.He probably felt guilty and like shit for something out of his control, and I knew it was wrong of me to let him strew in it. I could see that now, when the shock of my mother’s hatred for me had faded. Gerard’s face was blank, void of a tangible emotion, but I knew he was frustrated, knew he was angry that our bubble was being ruptured when I picked my phone up. That, I felt guilty about. I ran to him for comfort, then I got to go home with someone else, and he’s still here, waiting for my return. I answered, telling Frank that I was on my way home.

“I should go, but I’ll be back later. Where are we going today?”

He gave me a sad smile, one that told me that he knew I was just trying to distract him, and remind him that, even though I left, I would always come back.

“You’ll see. You’ll love it.”

He pulled me into his arms, his hands resting on my waist, and he planted a closed mouth, lazy kiss on my lips. I loved moments like this, when the lust was a little faded, and it felt like more than a seedy fling. Because it wasn’t. It was real…I just hadn’t decided if it was going to last.

“I’m sure I will. I’ll text you when I’m on my way over.”

Gerard nodded, releasing me, He gave me a last peck on the cheek before I left, and in no time at all, I was back home, opening my front door.

“Grace?”

I rolled my eyes with a little smile at Frank’s voice.

“Who else has a key?” I called out, shrugging off my coat just as Frank appeared in the hall.

“Hey.”

He sounded relieved, and by the smell of him, I could tell he was just out of the shower.

“Where were you?” he asked, and I knew he already knew the answer before I spoke.

“Gerard’s. Dinner was…intense, and I just needed to talk to him about it.”

He nodded, and for the first time, I noticed a sharp look in his eyes. He was trying to see through me, see if I was telling the truth. He raked over my body, his gaze felt as penetrative as an x-ray, and I just knew he was looking for a sign of something. I couldn’t help but be thankful that I hadn’t had sex with Gerard when I went to his place.

“What happened to your face?”

I touched my cheek reflexively, having forgotten that my mother had struck me. It wasn’t a big, dramatic mark, but there was still a tinge of pinklingering on the skin. It would fade completely in a day or so.

“She hit me, in the restaurant, in front of everyone. After she called me a liar.”

“Fuck, Grace.”

His arms were around me in an instant, sheltering me and comforting me in the way only Frank could. I was pressed against him tightly, so tightly that I couldn’t move, could barely think, could barely breathe. I thought I had gotten the tears out of my system the night before, but my tear ducts went straight back into overdrive when I was in his hold. I didn’t sob, but a few tears escaped of their own dereliction.

“Grace, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. Fuck!That bitch had no right to put a hand on you. Godfuckingdamnit!”

I could feel him shaking with anger. Frank was an emotional guy, but he kept his feelings under control. He rarely rose to anger, or expressed the more negative emotions he felt. He was all smiles, encouragement, and optimism. I think that’s what drew me to him in the beginning. I had been hurt, damaged, full of a need to be self-destructive and swimming in depression. Frank came along, with this innate sense of joy for life, and a ‘glasshalf full’ outlook, and the negatives could never outweigh the positives, if a positive was to be found. It wasn't in an obnoxious, false way a lot of people put out (this is where my inner Holden Caulfield came out; I called them ‘fakes’). Frank was just unwilling to let life get him down. He wanted to focus on the good things, search for the good side of a person, and not dwell on the bad for too long. He saw the bad, he acknowledged it, but then he moved on, and refused to waste his time sending out negative energy. Seeing him cut up, feeling him tremble like this, almost made me feel worse than the words my mother had spoken. I never wanted to be the cause of Frank being hurt, or angry.

“It’s okay. It didn’t turn out any differently than I expected. I finally cut a tie I should have gotten rid of a long time ago.”

“I should have been there,” he bit out harshly, pulling away and taking a hold of my arms, his eyes meeting mine.

“It wasn’t your fault, Frank. I heard the report on the radio.It was just bad timing. You can’t control some dick of a drunk driver causing a fucking pile-up. Yes, it sucked that you weren’t there,” my voice shook at that part,” And yes, I’m pissed that you weren’t there, but…it wasn’t your fault. I know it wasn’t. I don’t think you being there would have changed the outcome.”

Frank worried his lip, and I could see a faint scar on his lower lip where his lip ring used to be. I wondered if there was anything I could say to make him feel better.

“I wish you’d come home last night. I thought you were mad at me.”

“I was, a little,” I admitted, “But that’s not the only reason why I didn’t come home. I just needed to talk to someone who understands.”

“Right.”

I didn’t like his tone. His voice was tight, strained, so unnatural to him. There were lines of displeasure on his forehead, his lips stretched thinly over gritted teeth when he elongated the ‘t’ sound, ending the consonant sharply. His eyes, which normally shone with warmth, were hard, tense and it made me uncomfortable to be on the end of such a gaze, one that screamed suspicion. Fuck. A tense silence followed. It felt strangled, a little suffocating and the thrill of fear that Frank would question me, would ask the one question that would bring our relationship crashing down, was thrumming through my veins with adrenaline.

“How about we do something today, just you and I? When’s the last time we took off for a weekend?”

That stumped me, threw me off completely. The fear vanished instantly, and a wave of happiness washed over me. I smiled, excited at the prospect. He smiled back, erasing the harsh expression, and a little bit of warmth came back to his dark eyes.

“Where will we go?”

“I don’t know. Let’s just drive. Let’s pack a bag, and just drive.”

I clapped my hands together excitedly, and in a fit of giddiness, I jumped up and down on the spot. Then I remembered that I was supposed to meet Gerard. The happiness and giddiness left, leaving an emptiness in it’s place. Frank noticed immediately.

“What?”

“I just…Gerard and I normally do a bit of photography today…” I spoke softly, biting my lip, and letting out a little breath. Frank furrowed his brow, narrowing his eyes.

“It’s one Saturday. It shouldn’t be a big deal to cancel one day with him. I don’t know. I just thought it would be nice to spend a bit of time together.”

I swallowed nervously. I felt pressured, as though Frank was testing me. He was watching my expression carefully, and it took every ounce of strength I had to keep it together.

“You’re right. I’ll text him, take a quick shower, and we can go.”

I forced a smile, which became genuine when Frank wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling our chests together and planted a soft kiss on my mouth.

“I’ll pack a bag.”

He slapped my ass with a light, but slightly stinging, tap. I watched him go into the bedroom, letting out a sigh when he was out of sight. I pulled my phone out, pulling up my messages to Gerard. Stupidly, tears formed in my eyes. I felt horrible, guilty, and it killed me to type out the message that I wouldn’t make it that day. It was killing me, doing this - trying to inhabit two worlds, and avoid them colliding disastrously. There was something off about Frank that morning, and I realised what a stupid move it was to stay over at Gerard’s. Now, he was on the defensive. He was going to be watching me closely. I knew better than to think he would check my stuff, or follow me, but he was definitely going to be vigilant for a while. I rushed into the shower, letting the guilty tears flow with the hot water. I couldn’t act upset about spending quality time with my boyfriend, a man whom I loved more than I could ever describe. I took longer than needed in the shower, washing away my guilt, in order to pull myself together. Okay, it sucked that I was letting Gerard down. It sucked that the little time we spent together was being cut short. But, this was a good thing for me and Frank. We needed to get out of our routine of doing nothing but movies, shopping and going out for dinners. After so many years together, you get a lot of things out of your system. We’d travelled together, we’d gone bungee jumping, camping, every winter we went ice skating...and so, you run out of things to do together that feels new when you settle into adult life. We were tired after work, and money had to be spent on bills before anything else. Things slipped a little, which was natural.

Stepping out of the shower, I pushed the thought of Gerard away. I couldn’t change things now. There was no point in going off with Frank, and ruining it by letting myself drown in guilt. I thought I may as well go all in, and deal with the guilt when Frank wasn’t around. I ignored the niggling voice in the back of my mind, the one that was telling me that something was going to give, and soon. I got dressed, smiling when I saw Frank had left an outfit out for me. I threw it on quickly, dried my hair and applied a minimal amount of makeup, thanking God for BB cream. When I met Frank in the sitting room, he was putting a leather jacket on, over a black top and jeans, and I let myself revel in his beauty for a moment.

“You ready?” he asked with a smile, enjoying the fact that I was still checking him out after all these years.

“Yup,” I giggled, taking his proffered hand.

I saw a reply from Gerard flash on my phone as I put it in my handbag, but I didn’t read it. I switched the phone off, tossing it in the bag, and followed Frank out the door.

Notes

Sorry for the delay, it wasn't deliberate...I just got lazy.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, big things are ahead in the next two chapters...actually, the next like, eight chapters or so are going to be a little crazy!(This is going to run to about 50 chapters, there or there abouts.) Can't wait for you guys to see what I have in store...I'm getting to the part of the story I've been dying to share! *Squeals* I'm going away to London next week for a few days, but if I get a few comments, maybe I'll update this before I go (Yes, that's a not so subtle hint for readers to comment).

Lyra xxx