Tragically Beautiful
001
“why wouldn’t you let me love you?”
***
She watched from the side stage, the heat from the flames dancing in shadows across her perspired face. The corners of her mouth lift as she watches him play, standing near the front of the stage before whisking around and walking back, near the drum set. His features are highlighted to such an extent when the flames are going, bouncing up into the air before being extinguished as if they were all an illusion.
Her heart flutters as he faces her and throws her a small and yet noticeable smile before turning away. His long and thin fingers dance and play against the thick strings, vibrating sound into thousands of screaming fans as he cradles the guitar in his hands and arms, holding it gently against his body.
His eyes meet hers for the millionth time that night, both sharing a mere second together, blocking out the fans, the band members on the stage moving in slow motion as if they were the only two who could see and hear each other at the proper speed of time. And then it was gone, his eyes would avert hers and he’d move back to the middle of the stage up the front near his brother.
The final song finishes, finishes with blasts of flame and a sea of swarming fans screaming, screaming for more. She watches the lights dim down into darkness, only vague shadows are made out in her vision as they walk towards her carefully, watching their steps.
She feels his arms around her waist and his wet soft lips against her forehead before his touch disappears along with his shadow and any evidence of his being near her.
***
“don’t you love me?”
“don’t ask me that,”
***
the bus is filled with laughter and smiles as the band and friends hum around the sitting room. She watches him as he laughs with his brother, his lips turned up right in a beautiful smile as his laughter flickers out in her ears, making her body shudder with a careful and quick shake.
His eyes find hers and they hold the gaze, hold it for what seems like an eternity before his eyes cloud over, hiding the silent sparkle that was there for seconds and turning it into a cloud of misty hazel before he turns back to his brother laughing again. She swears she can feel her heart crack in that moment, a loud and echoing split run from the corner of her swollen muscle, splitting it gently.
The guitarist from the band gently pushes past her, saying his apologies before sitting next to the drummer, the laughter reaching a higher octave as everyone joins in. but the noise is silent to her, the faces are a blur and the conversation is a thing of the distant. All she can hear is the faint thudding of her heart, the calling for his touch and his embrace that she craves more then ever.
***
“what is happening to us?”
“there is no us,”
***
his fingers trace her curves softly, the pad of his index running over her pale skin, lighting it in bumps as his embrace sends her in a shock of coldness, even though she is warm, he is warm and he makes her body feel alight.
His lips brush against her cheek, his breath hot against her skin and his touch exploding in fireworks. Her eyes close, drawing out the feeling he is overpowering her with.
She feels his touch move from her waist to her hips, down to her thighs where he draws figures and swirls with his finger. Her mouth opens in a silent plead of ecstasy as his mouth opens on her neck and bites down, hard enough to break the skin gently.
Her hands run up his smooth and tensed back, her touch sending shivers down and over his body as he lay upon her, resting his weight on his propped elbows as he stares into her eyes.
Her back arches as she feels him push slowly inside of her, filling her with more then she could have ever asked for. His tongue darts across her lips slowly, tasting and caressing them as if he would never touch them again.
He thrusts forward, bringing their hips into a meet before breaking away and repeating the action, bringing both their gasps and sighs out into the cold air. She watches his face contort into pleasure, his hair falling meekly around his face, jading his eyes with shark bangs.
The light spilling in from the moon lands on their bodies, entwined tightly together, holding and grinding against each other. Drops of sweat trickle their way down his back and into her touch as she pulls him down back into her, making her eyes close and feel the knot in her stomach become tighter.
She can feel him pulsate within her as his breath becomes shallow, almost non existent. Her body explodes in a wave of pins in needles almost as he rubs against her, making her shake with the over flow of emotions she’s locked up.
“I love you,” her voice is low but she knows he heard.
He doesn’t answer, just continues to pleasure her in a way he can only think possible. But as she looks at him for an answer, she swears she can see him crying softly.
***
“why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,”
***
the band is quiet. The bus is nothing but a small vibration of moving steel on the asphalt. She sits on the lounge, staring at the floor as people walk by her in a fast motion pace. He has called for a meeting, saying that he needs to tell everyone something.
His brother seems nervous, distant even, possibly more so then herself. This worries her. She knows something big is going to happen, but she isn’t sure if it is a good thing.
He walks out from the bunks along side his brother, his eyes looking a little red. Her heart skips a beat as she notices the colour that has drained from his face in the light. He seems so pale, so scared, so sick. He seems like a walking ghost, and yet he looks remotely happy, and yet she can tell he is hiding something.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush with this,” he says, his voice calm and clear.
The band nod on in confusment. They know no more then she does, and this worries her even more so.
“I’m sick guys,”
again, she swears she can feel her heart split, but this time it isn’t small or gently. This one is a gash, a large laceration, ripping through all her memories and feelings, right down to the core, making sure she can feel every tear.
The band is hushed, not a word escapes anyone’s lips. She’s the first to speak, her voice shaky and low, her eyes never leaving his face.
“how?”
one word was all that was needed to be said, one word was all that was needed to be heard. One word was all that was needed to change her life forever.
“I’ve got cancer,”
***
“you can get help,”
“it’s too late,”
***
she’s in her bunk. The dry stickiness of old tears cling to her cheeks and neck. Her breathing is nothing but small hiccups, trying to grasp onto the oxygen she has denied her lungs for the past hour. He walks into her bunk and places a hand on her thigh. She feels the sting of the salty water in her eyes, blinking slightly before they roll down, replacing the old tracks with new wet ones.
“how long have you known?” her voice is barely but a whisper, being carried into the air by the slight breeze from the open window.
“over 8 months,” his reply comes as a low blow, making the oxygen she finally had a hold of, rip out of her system, leaving her stunned and paralysed.
“why…” all she can say without breaking down, breaking down in front of him.
“because,”
“why hide it?”
“I tried to get better, but it’s too far gone, it’s… it’s in too deep,” another low blow, this one ripping a long wail from her lips, making his own lips tremble.
“don’t leave me,”
“I tried to avoid this from happening,” his voice is now a whisper, the slight tremble evident as he holds back his tears.
“avoid what?”
“avoid you from falling in love with me,”
“why?” his figure is now nothing but a shaky outline in pencil, the tears brimming her vision.
“because, I didn’t want you to love me… and then have me ripped away from you,”
***
“I love you,”
“please… don’t,”
“why?”
“because, it’s better for both of us if you don’t,”
***
his body is pale, sickening transparent almost. His eyes are dark, the rings around them leaving him looking dead already. His mouth is cracked, cracked deep causing large splits to form.
Her tongue hurts from her teeth biting down, but she can’t break down now. She has to stay strong, he asked her too, and she will keep her promise.
His brother is by his side, tears cascading down his face as he holds the weaker brothers hand gently, caressing it with the pads of his finger tips.
“he wants, he wants to speak to you,” the brother swallows, smiles and walks out, his wail being heard as he goes into the corridor to the other members of the band.
“m-mikey?” she can’t help but stutter at his name, feeling her heart rip that final piece it’s hanging on by.
His eyes open heavily, a dull hazel staring back at her before a small twitch of his lips emit, showing her he knows she’s there.
“I-I’m. sorr. Sorry,” she has to lean in to hear his voice, nothing but wheezing and cracks in the peaks of his sentence.
“I love you,” she presses her lips to his forehead before moving them to his own.
Such a kiss has never been so harsh and yet meant so much. She could feel his will to live for her sake in his lips, she could feel him dying underneath her, she could feel herself dying inside.
***
“will you ever love me?”
“I always have,”
“will you ever let me love you?”
“never,”
***
the roses in her hands bend awkwardly, the thorns digging past her 1st, 2nd and 3rd layer of skin, digging into what she is sure is muscle and tissue. She opens her hand and lets a tear drop fall forgotten to the ground as she watches the metallic liquid ooze freely from her wound.
She moves her gaze from her pained hand to her dead lover. His grave over flowed with flowers, pictures and cards. Most of them being from her or from the band members. His brother had gone back to the car, unable to stand on his legs as he watched his brother being lowered into the ground.
Her sniffles and tears were drowned out in the rain, falling helplessly onto her shattered form, unoccupied from an umbrella. The drops of liquid fall down her face, mixing in with her sorrow of her lost one.
No longer can she tell if she’s crying or if she’s cried all she can. But she can taste the bitter sweetness of the salt, and it reminds her of him. the one in front of her, the one she can no longer touch, no longer hear and no longer see.
“why wouldn’t you let me love you?” she says loudly, falling to her knees suddenly as the realisation sinks in, biting at her viciously.
“why wouldn’t you let me love you like you loved me?”
she presses her hand with the rose to the ground, above his grave. She feels her mouth twitch in a smile as her eyes go bleary.
“you could never stop me from loving you… idiot,” she laughs, and falls to the ground, lying fully above the soil and grass, crying and screaming for her lover back.
She’ll always love him, and she knows he will always love her. No matter what, she will raise their child to be exactly like his daddy, exactly like his daddy.
***
“why wont you let me love you?”
“because it hurts too much,”
“but it doesn’t hurt me,”
“no, it hurts me,”
***
She watched from the side stage, the heat from the flames dancing in shadows across her perspired face. The corners of her mouth lift as she watches him play, standing near the front of the stage before whisking around and walking back, near the drum set. His features are highlighted to such an extent when the flames are going, bouncing up into the air before being extinguished as if they were all an illusion.
Her heart flutters as he faces her and throws her a small and yet noticeable smile before turning away. His long and thin fingers dance and play against the thick strings, vibrating sound into thousands of screaming fans as he cradles the guitar in his hands and arms, holding it gently against his body.
His eyes meet hers for the millionth time that night, both sharing a mere second together, blocking out the fans, the band members on the stage moving in slow motion as if they were the only two who could see and hear each other at the proper speed of time. And then it was gone, his eyes would avert hers and he’d move back to the middle of the stage up the front near his brother.
The final song finishes, finishes with blasts of flame and a sea of swarming fans screaming, screaming for more. She watches the lights dim down into darkness, only vague shadows are made out in her vision as they walk towards her carefully, watching their steps.
She feels his arms around her waist and his wet soft lips against her forehead before his touch disappears along with his shadow and any evidence of his being near her.
***
“don’t you love me?”
“don’t ask me that,”
***
the bus is filled with laughter and smiles as the band and friends hum around the sitting room. She watches him as he laughs with his brother, his lips turned up right in a beautiful smile as his laughter flickers out in her ears, making her body shudder with a careful and quick shake.
His eyes find hers and they hold the gaze, hold it for what seems like an eternity before his eyes cloud over, hiding the silent sparkle that was there for seconds and turning it into a cloud of misty hazel before he turns back to his brother laughing again. She swears she can feel her heart crack in that moment, a loud and echoing split run from the corner of her swollen muscle, splitting it gently.
The guitarist from the band gently pushes past her, saying his apologies before sitting next to the drummer, the laughter reaching a higher octave as everyone joins in. but the noise is silent to her, the faces are a blur and the conversation is a thing of the distant. All she can hear is the faint thudding of her heart, the calling for his touch and his embrace that she craves more then ever.
***
“what is happening to us?”
“there is no us,”
***
his fingers trace her curves softly, the pad of his index running over her pale skin, lighting it in bumps as his embrace sends her in a shock of coldness, even though she is warm, he is warm and he makes her body feel alight.
His lips brush against her cheek, his breath hot against her skin and his touch exploding in fireworks. Her eyes close, drawing out the feeling he is overpowering her with.
She feels his touch move from her waist to her hips, down to her thighs where he draws figures and swirls with his finger. Her mouth opens in a silent plead of ecstasy as his mouth opens on her neck and bites down, hard enough to break the skin gently.
Her hands run up his smooth and tensed back, her touch sending shivers down and over his body as he lay upon her, resting his weight on his propped elbows as he stares into her eyes.
Her back arches as she feels him push slowly inside of her, filling her with more then she could have ever asked for. His tongue darts across her lips slowly, tasting and caressing them as if he would never touch them again.
He thrusts forward, bringing their hips into a meet before breaking away and repeating the action, bringing both their gasps and sighs out into the cold air. She watches his face contort into pleasure, his hair falling meekly around his face, jading his eyes with shark bangs.
The light spilling in from the moon lands on their bodies, entwined tightly together, holding and grinding against each other. Drops of sweat trickle their way down his back and into her touch as she pulls him down back into her, making her eyes close and feel the knot in her stomach become tighter.
She can feel him pulsate within her as his breath becomes shallow, almost non existent. Her body explodes in a wave of pins in needles almost as he rubs against her, making her shake with the over flow of emotions she’s locked up.
“I love you,” her voice is low but she knows he heard.
He doesn’t answer, just continues to pleasure her in a way he can only think possible. But as she looks at him for an answer, she swears she can see him crying softly.
***
“why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,”
***
the band is quiet. The bus is nothing but a small vibration of moving steel on the asphalt. She sits on the lounge, staring at the floor as people walk by her in a fast motion pace. He has called for a meeting, saying that he needs to tell everyone something.
His brother seems nervous, distant even, possibly more so then herself. This worries her. She knows something big is going to happen, but she isn’t sure if it is a good thing.
He walks out from the bunks along side his brother, his eyes looking a little red. Her heart skips a beat as she notices the colour that has drained from his face in the light. He seems so pale, so scared, so sick. He seems like a walking ghost, and yet he looks remotely happy, and yet she can tell he is hiding something.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush with this,” he says, his voice calm and clear.
The band nod on in confusment. They know no more then she does, and this worries her even more so.
“I’m sick guys,”
again, she swears she can feel her heart split, but this time it isn’t small or gently. This one is a gash, a large laceration, ripping through all her memories and feelings, right down to the core, making sure she can feel every tear.
The band is hushed, not a word escapes anyone’s lips. She’s the first to speak, her voice shaky and low, her eyes never leaving his face.
“how?”
one word was all that was needed to be said, one word was all that was needed to be heard. One word was all that was needed to change her life forever.
“I’ve got cancer,”
***
“you can get help,”
“it’s too late,”
***
she’s in her bunk. The dry stickiness of old tears cling to her cheeks and neck. Her breathing is nothing but small hiccups, trying to grasp onto the oxygen she has denied her lungs for the past hour. He walks into her bunk and places a hand on her thigh. She feels the sting of the salty water in her eyes, blinking slightly before they roll down, replacing the old tracks with new wet ones.
“how long have you known?” her voice is barely but a whisper, being carried into the air by the slight breeze from the open window.
“over 8 months,” his reply comes as a low blow, making the oxygen she finally had a hold of, rip out of her system, leaving her stunned and paralysed.
“why…” all she can say without breaking down, breaking down in front of him.
“because,”
“why hide it?”
“I tried to get better, but it’s too far gone, it’s… it’s in too deep,” another low blow, this one ripping a long wail from her lips, making his own lips tremble.
“don’t leave me,”
“I tried to avoid this from happening,” his voice is now a whisper, the slight tremble evident as he holds back his tears.
“avoid what?”
“avoid you from falling in love with me,”
“why?” his figure is now nothing but a shaky outline in pencil, the tears brimming her vision.
“because, I didn’t want you to love me… and then have me ripped away from you,”
***
“I love you,”
“please… don’t,”
“why?”
“because, it’s better for both of us if you don’t,”
***
his body is pale, sickening transparent almost. His eyes are dark, the rings around them leaving him looking dead already. His mouth is cracked, cracked deep causing large splits to form.
Her tongue hurts from her teeth biting down, but she can’t break down now. She has to stay strong, he asked her too, and she will keep her promise.
His brother is by his side, tears cascading down his face as he holds the weaker brothers hand gently, caressing it with the pads of his finger tips.
“he wants, he wants to speak to you,” the brother swallows, smiles and walks out, his wail being heard as he goes into the corridor to the other members of the band.
“m-mikey?” she can’t help but stutter at his name, feeling her heart rip that final piece it’s hanging on by.
His eyes open heavily, a dull hazel staring back at her before a small twitch of his lips emit, showing her he knows she’s there.
“I-I’m. sorr. Sorry,” she has to lean in to hear his voice, nothing but wheezing and cracks in the peaks of his sentence.
“I love you,” she presses her lips to his forehead before moving them to his own.
Such a kiss has never been so harsh and yet meant so much. She could feel his will to live for her sake in his lips, she could feel him dying underneath her, she could feel herself dying inside.
***
“will you ever love me?”
“I always have,”
“will you ever let me love you?”
“never,”
***
the roses in her hands bend awkwardly, the thorns digging past her 1st, 2nd and 3rd layer of skin, digging into what she is sure is muscle and tissue. She opens her hand and lets a tear drop fall forgotten to the ground as she watches the metallic liquid ooze freely from her wound.
She moves her gaze from her pained hand to her dead lover. His grave over flowed with flowers, pictures and cards. Most of them being from her or from the band members. His brother had gone back to the car, unable to stand on his legs as he watched his brother being lowered into the ground.
Her sniffles and tears were drowned out in the rain, falling helplessly onto her shattered form, unoccupied from an umbrella. The drops of liquid fall down her face, mixing in with her sorrow of her lost one.
No longer can she tell if she’s crying or if she’s cried all she can. But she can taste the bitter sweetness of the salt, and it reminds her of him. the one in front of her, the one she can no longer touch, no longer hear and no longer see.
“why wouldn’t you let me love you?” she says loudly, falling to her knees suddenly as the realisation sinks in, biting at her viciously.
“why wouldn’t you let me love you like you loved me?”
she presses her hand with the rose to the ground, above his grave. She feels her mouth twitch in a smile as her eyes go bleary.
“you could never stop me from loving you… idiot,” she laughs, and falls to the ground, lying fully above the soil and grass, crying and screaming for her lover back.
She’ll always love him, and she knows he will always love her. No matter what, she will raise their child to be exactly like his daddy, exactly like his daddy.
***
“why wont you let me love you?”
“because it hurts too much,”
“but it doesn’t hurt me,”
“no, it hurts me,”
3/29/13