It was already way past midnight and we had just finished the third movie. My eyes were heavy and I tried to hold back a yawn, unsuccessfully.

'Awww are you giving up?' Amy teased and I nodded.

'I think I have to. Sorry. I've been trying to catch up on sleep ever since we got back from Europe.'

'Don't worry. I don't mind if we go to bed.' she replied and got up from the couch, heading towards my bedroom.

Umm, what? I was confused for a second before I realized she was planning on staying over.

'Oh, yeah. Okay, well goodnight.' I didn't mind sleeping on the couch, especially since I had been falling asleep to the TV for the past few nights anyway.

But instead of disappearing in my room, she returned to the couch, giving me an amused look with her hand on her hip.

'Are you not gonna join me?' she smiled.

My brain would have asked itself whether she simply didn't think of it as a big deal, that sleeping together was just what 'friends' did. And after all Lana and I had slept together several times, as 'friends'. But there was something in Amy's voice, something in the way she looked at me, that told me that what she had in mind was not something 'friends' did. Unless maybe, friends with benefits.

'Umm, I don't think so.' I replied. She sat down next to me again, moving really close.

'You're cute. I'm not gonna lie, I have a total crush on you. But don't worry, if you just want a bit of fun, that's okay too.'

What? She had a crush on me? Oh fuck. Oh no.

'Amy...you're awesome. I really like you. But-' she crawled on my lap and although I could have stopped her, somehow I missed the opportunity.

Her lips were on mine before I could even think about what was going on, her hips, grinding against mine, causing a reaction I wasn't able to control. She had me where she wanted me now and at some point I just stopped caring. It would be just sex. Just a bit of fun. And it had been way too long. Lana had moved on with some frenchman already anyway. Even though I had absolutely no feelings for Amy, what harm could it do?

I closed my eyes as she wrapped her mouth around me, the sensation making me dizzy. Fuck. It felt incredible.

'Mmmhmm Lana.' I moaned, without thinking.

Shit.

*

'So it's over?' Mateo asked and I looked at him through my tears.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You have to believe me. I was trying.' I whispered and he nodded, looking away.

'I know.'

We were at his apartment, where I had visited him to tell him what I had decided. He simply couldn't make me forget about Gerard. No one could. I loved him, although I wished I didn't.

'Do you hate me now?' I wanted to know.

'Oh Lana. Don't be stupid.' he took my hand and I realized that hating myself was enough anyway. He was an amazing guy, who worshipped me, who had put his own feelings and needs aside for mine.

We sat in silence as it got dark outside, a sign for me to leave. I got up, waiting for him to do the same and hugged him, the tears now rolling down my cheeks. Just because I loved someone else didn't mean I had no real feelings for Mateo. I did. Or at least the person I had been trying to be did.

It was snowing when I left, the first time this winter, and I remembered the evening back in February, when Gerard had returned, waiting for me at my door. Had he let go? Had he been able to move on? I hadn't broken up with Mateo to now try again with Gerard, I had broken up with him because there was no point in pretending anymore. I didn't want to be this person anymore.

I entered my apartment, taking my shoes and coat off in a hurry and running over to my laptop. Freckles followed me, wagging her tail and I petted her head while waiting for it to start. I opened the browser and typed the words into the search bar before hitting enter. After studying the dates carefully, I switched tabs.

'Paris, Charles du Gaulle to New York, JFK' I entered and chose a departure date.

*

I hadn't heard from Amy in weeks. Unsurprisingly. Despite countless texts, apologizing, admitting that I was a douchebag, telling her how important her friendship was to me, she never replied. And I knew that there was simply no way I could undo the damage. I had muttered another girl's name while my dick had been in her mouth. Class A fuck-up.

Mikey claimed that it was a sign from the 'universe' and that a 'greater power' had intervened, keeping me from making a big mistake. I had no idea what he had been smoking but he seemed very serious about it.

'Ugh just call Lana.' he had said but I had refused.

There was no way in hell I would call her. I had told her to let go. I had ruined this for her too many times.

Christmas was approaching and we returned from the Australian summer to the freezing East Coast just in time to stress out over buying last minute presents. At least I now didn't have to worry about spending time with Amy, which still didn't make me feel any less shitty about what had happened.

Ever since my grandma had passed away, Christmas was difficult. I would spend Christmas Eve with her, decorating the tree with Mikey while she would bake cookies. Then we would go to church, before we had dinner after which she would make us play and sing carols with her. It was old-school, it was traditional, it was something my parents never put effort into. That's why I loved it so much. But for the last two years, Christmas was pretty much just dinner, presents, arguments and avoiding alcohol while everyone around me was getting drunk. Then Mikey and I would stop by my grandma's grave, putting down flowers, me, lost in thought, him, fidgeting around, eager to leave again.

I didn't want to tell him before Christmas but I had decided to move out of our apartment. We were never home anyway and when we were, we were hardly ever there together. I knew that him and his girlfriend were getting serious and I now had the money to get my own place anyway. There was no point in staying. Maybe I would move back to Jersey, maybe I would stay in Brooklyn, I still had to decide but I started packing my stuff, called realtors to set up viewings here and there after the holidays. Who knows, this could be just what I needed to start all over again, I told myself. If I tried hard enough, it could work.

*

'Are you sure this is the right thing to do?' Célia asked as I slipped into my coat.

'No. But I know I have to do it.' I replied, leaning down to pet Freckles one last time.

'What if you'll find him with another girl this time?'

'Then so be it. Cél, I know you think I could have been happy with Mateo and maybe that's true. Maybe I should have let go. But that's not who I am.' the doorbell rang, announcing that my taxi had arrived.

'You better update me at least five times a day.' she hugged me and I nodded. I kissed her cheek, said goodbye to her and Freckles and left my apartment.

The drive to the airport was nerve-wracking and it made me dread the rest of the much longer journey. I didn't even have an exact plan. This was crazy. But then again, Gerard had shown up out of the blue at my doorstep, now I could just do the same, right? I felt sick as I walked through the airport 20 minutes later, even sicker when I walked up to the check-in desk. And as I sat waiting to board at my gate, I was close to throwing up. Realizing how on edge I was, the woman next to me on the plane offered me an Ambien which knocked me out for the entire 8-hour plane ride. When I arrived at my cold Manhattan apartment I realized how clueless and unprepared I was for this. All I knew was that I wanted to see Gerard, wanted to tell him how I felt. And then? What if he didn't want to hear it? What if it felt wrong? I hadn't planned ahead. I couldn't just go to his apartment in Brooklyn. I didn't even know if he still lived there and if, when he would be home. According to the tour dates on his band's website, they had finished touring but what if he was still away or busy with work? I hadn't thought this through. I had avoided thinking it through because although I had booked my flight almost a month ago, it had still been a rash decision. Was it too late?

I spent the next day wandering the streets of New York in order to distract myself and clear my head. As much as I loved Paris around Christmas, it was magical here. I felt excited to be back, to experience this for the first time, like Kevin in Home Alone 2. I checked out the window displays on Fifth Avenue, visited the majestic Christmas Tree at the Rockefeller Center, watched the children ice-skate and as beautiful as it all was, I wished I had someone by my side to enjoy this with. Someone to share hot roasted nuts with. Someone to catch snowflakes with and someone to warm my hands with his afterwards. Someone. Gerard.

My suitcase was still unpacked and after staring at it for the longest time, thinking about whether or not it had been a mistake to come back here, I decided to unpack. Carrying it in my walk-in closet, I immediately spotted the box. Actually, my name for it was 'the cancer box'. After my last visit to the hospital I had put all my 'souvenirs' from my time there into this box, all the memories I didn't want to remember. Letters, cards, papers, files, wristbands from various hospitals, brochures, the self-help books my mom had bought me, the CDs, comics and sketches Gerard had given me. And my red notebook. Where I had collected the names, addresses and phone numbers of my fellow patients. Suddenly I thought of something. It was a long shot but it was the only idea I had that didn't seem completely crazy.

Entering the digits into my phone and pressing the green dial button, I half expected the number to be disconnected but to my surprise, a woman answered. My heart was racing. What was I thinking? I wanted to hang up but instead, I took a deep breath.

'Hello Mrs Way. It's Lana.' I said, my voice shaking.

Notes

So Lana has seen the light...aren't you happy about that my dear readers? ;)