At the beginning of November we returned to Europe. And I don't know how I did it, but I didn't give in to the overwhelming urge to call or visit Lana. It made me sick, thinking about how much had changed in just a few months, how sweet memories of the times we had shared together, were now the reason for an unbelievable sadness. I spent all this time arguing with myself, fighting with both of the reasonable voices in my mind. One telling me that it would be no big deal to just call her, say hi, ask her how she'd been and tell her I was around if she wanted to meet. The other one keeping me from doing it, convincing me not to do it. Don't stand in her way again, it said.

And so I didn't. I went back home without having called or texted her.

Instead, I found myself missing Amy more and more. As much as her company drained me sometimes when all I wanted was to be alone, being alone, giving me too much time to think about things that I didn't want to think about, was even worse.

'Too bad I'm at college now, I would have come with you. Imagine what a kickass photo project that would have been!' she said as we talked on AIM.

'Next summer you could totally come with us. I'll arrange something.' I typed back, imaging her face light up as she read it.

'Seriously? That would be AMAZING :D Like, official tour photographer? OMG Gerard, would you really do that for me?' a flood of smileys followed and I shook my head, smiling to myself.

'Sure. I'll ask Brian tomorrow. But I don't see why he'd say no.'

'I'm gonna pee myself!!!!' more smileys. Then, I saw her typing for a while and I waited, curious about what would come next. 'I honestly love you so much, Gee, this means more to me than you could ever know. I know it's only November and we won't be able to spend a lot of time together until then but I can't wait to spend the summer with you. We're gonna have sooo much fun. I <3 you!'

Okay. I wasn't sure what to reply to that. She was obviously happy, excited and was freaking out. And she had added things like 'love ya' to her texts or messages before. But 'I love you' was still different. Maybe I was reading too much into it but my gut feeling still told me otherwise.

I replied with a simple ':-)' and 'Happy to help.', ignoring my instincts for now.

*

The weekend with Mateo and his family had changed our relationship. We had spent a lot of time together, his parents and siblings had welcomed me with open arms and although Mat had promised to introduce me as a 'friend', I had the feeling that he had told them something different behind my back. Either way, they had kept quiet and hadn't made me feel too awkward. Still, it didn't feel right and oddly enough, I couldn't tell whether or not I liked it.

I also couldn't help but think about the night he had snuck into my room. Mateo hadn't tried to pick up where we had left either. I felt slightly guilty for thinking about Gerard but wasn't it normal to a certain degree? To compare guys to each other, especially when it came to sex? Oh, I had always been great at finding excuses for myself.

'It meant a lot to me that you came with me to see my parents.' he said, playing with my hair as we lay in bed together.

I stopped typing and looked at him, he seemed lost in thought. 'What is it?' I asked.

'I just...don't get me wrong, I could tell you made an effort. It just seemed, a little forced. And like you didn't actually want to be there.' his eyes seemed nervous and I put my laptop aside to give him my full attention.

'I'm sorry if it seemed that way. It was a little weird for me but I enjoyed myself.' I answered and just when I thought he didn't believe me, I thought of the perfect excuse. Again. 'What was a bit hard for me I guess is the fact that your parents are so...perfect. I kept asking myself whether my parents would still be together if my dad was still alive. They probably wouldn't.'

I wasn't actually lying. But it wasn't the full truth either.

'I understand. I mean, I don't but, I get it. Your mom's happy with Greg though, right? He's a great guy.'

'He is. I wouldn't say they're happy together though.' I replied, involuntarily sounding upset.

'Are we?' Mateo asked. 'Happy together?'

His question surprised me. Had I been too selfish to assume that he was okay with how things were between us, with the way our relationship worked, with waiting? It was convenient for me not to care about it because it meant that I didn't have to deal with the inevitable just yet - moving on. Letting someone else in my heart, completely. Every time I saw this glimpse of doubt in his eyes, I wished that I could just get over my fear and show him that he was important to me. But even though he was, I couldn't.

'I'm happy. But I also want you to be. Sometimes I feel you're so focused on what I need that you forget about what you need.' I told him.

'I've been trying to be understanding. And I really don't want to pressure you into making a choice but...maybe it's what you need to do.' he sat up, looking at me so serious that I felt panic setting in. 'I need you to forget about him. I need you to give me a real chance to make you forget about him.'

*

Happy freaking Thanksgiving, I thought as I glared across the table at Mikey and his girlfriend who were sucking each others faces while my mother was in the kitchen, preparing dessert.

'Ugh, get a room.' I muttered, getting up to help her although I was so full from all the food already, I felt like puking.

'How about YOU get a room.' Mikey yelled after me and I turned around to glare at him.

Whatever. I wasn't gonna start a fight with him today, not over some stupid immature shit like this.

'What was he yelling about?' my mother asked and I cringed.

'Nothing. You need help?' I grabbed the plates and leaned against the counter, waiting for her instructions.

'I got it, thank you hon. You can get the cups from the cabinet.' I did as I was told, setting the cups down on the tray. 'So what's the matter?' she asked me.

'Nothing.' I said again. 'Just Mikey being annoying with PDA.'

'Oh let him be, he's in love. Aren't you happy for him?'

'I am. Of course I am.' I added, realizing I was being really stupid and immature, bitching about Mikey making out with his girlfriend to my mother.

'You miss Lana.' she said, slicing the cake. I froze.

No one had mentioned her name in months. They all knew that I was trying to move on and had pretty much avoided the topic. Leave it to my mom to bring her up again.

'I don't.' a lie.

'So why aren't you seeing anyone?'

'Maybe I am? How would you know.' another lie.

'Are you?'

'None of your business.' rude.

'Gerard...' fuck this, I wanted to leave.

'Mom, please don't, okay? As a matter of fact, there is someone. Her name is Amy. I like her a lot.' wow, was I really using Amy to make my mother shut up about Lana?

'Bullshit.' my mouth fell open at her comment. 'But okay. If you're not willing to face the truth then I can't make you. You're old enough to decide for yourself. But stop being such a downer. Either change something about the situation or accept it. Now come on, take this to the living room.' she handed me the tray and I had no choice but to shut up and follow her command.

On my way back home, I called Amy. I knew she was in Chicago with her family until the next day but I had another week off and I was curious whether she wanted to stop by. She sounded excited when I asked her and I couldn't help but feel excited too.

The next day, I searched through my collection of movies, picking the ones I wanted to watch with Amy. Mikey and his girlfriend were visiting her parents in the Midwest and I had the apartment to myself. Of course I wasn't planning to get laid or anything, we were still just friends and I didn't want us to be more than that.

*

Three days. I had asked Mateo to give me three days. And he had sighed and agreed and in his eyes I had seen that he already thought I was going to tell him I couldn't just forget about Gerard. That it was simply an impossible request. At first, it had been. But as I thought about it after he had left, it didn't seem so impossible anymore.

What he was actually asking of me was to give him a chance to make me forget about Gerard. It was the least I could do. Or try. We have to let go. These had been his words.

I wanted to talk to Célia but I knew how she felt about the whole situation. She liked Gerard but she wanted me to move on. I wanted to talk to my mother, well, not actually, but I wished I had this kind of mother-daughter relationship that allowed for such conversations, that would make it possible for me to ask her what I should do.

Instead, I ended up on Skype with Greg, who was in Berlin.

'I feel like it could be so easy but it's not because...I don't know. Because it just isn't.'

'Exactly. It isn't. If it was, it would be meaningless.'

'So you're saying, the harder it is, the more meaning it has?' it actually made sense but I had to ask the question anyway.

'Yes. You already know that though. I think that's the reason why you haven't been able to let go yet.'

'But I want to be able!'

'Really?' he raised a brow at me. 'Do you really want to forget about a person who has had such an impact on you? Who still has such an impact on you? Why? Because it would be easier this way? Lana, come on.'

'Ugh but what's the point? We have tried! And it didn't work out.'

'That's the thing though, you haven't. Instead, you became someone you're not and he did too. You haven't been yourself, Lana. Not since you have left New York.'

He was telling me this now? After more than two years? It was probably his way of letting me figure it out myself but it still pissed me off. Even though I had noticed it. I had probably assumed that it was part of growing up.

'I've been pretending.' I muttered, more to myself than to Greg, my eyes filling with tears.