Can I be the only hope for you?

“Arianna..”

“Please, Gerard. Just stop.”

Gerard came closer to me and grabbed my shoulder tightly and he makes me face him.

“No, Arianna. Listen! From the first time I saw you, deep in my heart I really want to know you. And when we start to be friend, I don’t know how and when the feeling is changing to more than a friend. I feel different when I’m with you, you’re the reason I wake up early in the morning, I keep thinking about you every day. You’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you out of it. Tell me what should I do because I’m in love with you”

Tears keep falling down from my cheeks. Gerard wiped them away and hugs me. For the first time, I feel safe. To be truth, I feel safe when Gerard is around. When I wake up every day, the first thing I do is checking on my phone to check whether Gerard give me a good morning text or not, every night before go to sleep I wait for his call and that makes me want to meet him every day. But this isn’t right. I don’t love him. No, I can’t love him. I just can’t. You can call me a paranoid or crazy, but I heard Leo whispered to me. He was there watching Gerard kissing me and this is not right. I was too tired and might end up being crazy because I heard my dead lover whispered to me.

After calming down, Gerard walked me to home. We keep silent along the way and neither of us says a word. When we finally reached at my apartment, I just want to get in without saying goodbye. But Gerard is faster when he grabbed my hand, not allowing me to touch the knob. We looked at each other and he lean closer to kiss me when suddenly I pushed him away. He didn’t expect that coming, I think because I can tell from his face that he was shocked.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this”

“Why? I know that you love me too. Don’t try to hide it from me”

“I like you as a friend, Gerard. Not more than that”

“You’re lying. You’re not good at lying, so stop”

“No, I’m not lying. And to be honest, I don’t even want to be friends with you because I hate you! And.. and I do this friendship because I feel pity on you! So, stop saying that you love me!”

I quickly opened the door, get in and slammed the door right in front of his face. I rushed to my room and cry as hard as I can. This has become worse than what I thought. I broke his heart and I was hurt. Of course, what have I said was totally a lie, I do want to be with Gerard but I can’t. Leo’s death just about four months ago and now, here I am having a feeling for another guy. What will Amanda and Adam think if they know about this? They will think that I’m such a bitch who easily move on, falling for a stranger after four months of her lover’s death. And for tonight, after a long time, I cut my wrist again. This cut is not because of Leo, but because of my frustration. My frustration on hurting Gerard’s feelings and I feel really bad about it.

It’s been a month after the incident between me and Gerard. He never calls me or texts me anymore. He wasn’t there in our favorite café and won’t even join us when Mikey, Frank and me hanging out together. I do miss him, but I was too afraid to ask Mikey or Frank about Gerard and I think they probably know what happened between us because they won’t talk about Gerard when they with me. I guess I can’t do anything about it since I’m the one who hurts Gerard’s feeling. He hates me now; that’s for sure and doesn’t even want to look at my face, maybe.

It was a usual day at work. There is no customer at this time and I spend my free time checking out new CDs that just arrived when suddenly Mikey sit beside me.

“What is going on between you and Gerard?”

I look at him unbelievable. I thought he knows.

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know what? I want to ask you, but Frank won’t let me. Enough is enough because I’m sick seeing my brother living like a zombie without a soul every day. What actually happened after that night? Why he always avoiding when I talked about you? Why he’s acting weird? He spend most his time at his room and I barely meet him even we live in the same house. Can somebody just fucking tell me what is actually happened between you two?”

I was stunned. Mikey seems very frustrated and desperately want to know about what happened between me and Gerard. I told him everything that happened that night, and I even told him that we didn’t contact each other after that, and I also told him that I thought he and Frank knows what happened and probably blame me for hurting Gerard’s feelings but didn’t say it straight to my face. He looks speechless after that. I can’t read what’s going on in his mind after know what had happened.

“I can’t believe that you said like that to Gee. Oh God! What have you done? What is wrong with my brother until you’ve done that to him?”

He sounds more disappointed than angry. I sighed heavily.

“There is nothing wrong with him. It’s just… it’s too complicated. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. It’s over, Gerard probably hate me now”

“After what you said to him, I don’t think that he want to see you again”
Mikey hits me so hard with his words. I smiled awkwardly, admitting his words silently. Mikey looked at me with guilty look after realized what he said might hurts me.

“I’m sorry. I just.. Arianna, there is something you should know about Gerard”

Notes

Hey, sorry for taking so much time to update the story.
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