She wasn't angry when she pushed me away softly but I knew I had fucked up. Maybe it was the alcohol and the drugs that I still had left in my blood stream, maybe it was the fact that she was really the only one I wanted to let close to me right now. I didn't want to think of the obvious, that I was just looking for another distraction, hoping she would be desperate and sympathetic enough to let me use her as one. Then maybe she was wrong about me after all. I wasn't a decent guy.

'I'm sorry.' I looked down at the floor, not able to face her.

Lana's hand grabbed mine again and she pulled me with her, leading me down to hall and into what turned out to be her bedroom. She let go of me, walking over to the bed and climbed in, not bothering with any lights since the huge windows that took up an entire wall let in enough of the city's. I looked at her questioningly until she patted the space next to her.

'I'm sorry.' I repeated, lying down next to her and she moved closer, putting her arms around my waist, her head resting against my chest.

'Shut up.' the tone in her voice was too soft for the harsh words. 'Just shut up and hold me and let's sleep.'

I did as I was told, wrapping my arms around her bony shoulders. The tears were threatening to fall again but I took a deep breath, trying to keep them in. I was just relieved she didn't blame me for what I had done. Maybe she could see right through me, maybe she knew me better than I knew myself right now. Hopefully she also knew how truly sorry I was and we'd be able to forget about it. I couldn't lose her. As selfish as it was, I needed her.

When I woke up the next morning Lana had already gotten up and glancing at the clock I realized it wasn't morning after all but 1pm. I felt like shit. And my stomach turned even more as I remembered the previous night. I stayed in bed for a little longer, shielding my eyes with my arm and thinking about what I could say to make things right again. What I said had been the truth, she was the only good thing in my life right now and I cared about her more than I cared about myself. She didn't deserve to be used. She was more than just another way to escape from the bad things, to numb my pain. But was I ready to deal with facing it all?

I got up, my whole body protesting as I tried to stretch so I gave up. As I left the room, I could smell coffee and although I felt sick at the thought of putting anything into my body right now, the craving was there instantly. When I entered the kitchen, Lana looked up from the newspaper she was reading.

'Good morning.' she just said, walking over to the coffee machine to pour me some. 'How you feeling?'

She sounded...normal? Caring, not distant, not like I expected her to sound or act. Was she pretending it didn't happen? Or was I just turning it into a bigger deal than it actually was? I was confused.

'Listen. About last night. I'm-'

'You're sorry. I know. It's okay.'

'No it's not okay. I shouldn't have done that. It was...I wasn't thinking.' I muttered, avoiding eye contact.

'Gerard, please. Whatever. You kissed me. It's not like it meant anything. I know people do weird things when they grieve. It was a mistake. It's only human and I'm the last person who will judge you for it, get it? You shouldn't feel guilty, not about this.'

*

I didn't know whether or not my words mattered to him, I didn't know if anything did. But trying was better than not trying even if it seemed desperate. If he stayed with me that meant he couldn't get lost in liquor or drugs again, he was safe here but I wasn't sure if it was enough. Again, all I could do was try. At the end of the day I couldn't keep him here.

He sat across from me, drinking his coffee, his hand moving restlessly on the table. I looked at him, thinking about what he had muttered in his sleep.

'Don't leave me.'

He had probably been dreaming about Elena but it felt like he was talking to me and my heart had sank at his words. This was exactly what I didn't expect. Instead of hating me, he had latched on to me and I had let him, fuck, I had encouraged him to. Just because I was scared that he would try to push me out of his life. Because my plan had totally sucked.

I wanted him to be my friend and there was no point anymore in pretending I didn't. And I realized I had latched on to him as well. There was so much truth in what Elena had written in her letter. Speaking of which.

'Have you read the letter yet?' I asked carefully after I almost forcefully had made him eat lunch.

'I don't think I'll be ready to do that anytime soon.'

'I don't think you'll ever be ready. But if it's similar to what she wrote to me, you have to do it. I know, you probably think it will make everything harder but I think it will make it easier. At least a little bit.' I explained and he gave me a confused look.

'What did yours say?' he asked. I could tell he didn't really expect me to share it with him.

'Exactly what I needed to hear. And to bake you carrot cake.'

'Which I haven't even eaten.' Gerard rolled his eyes at himself.

'There's some left.'

'It's not as yummy the next day.' were we actually having a conversation about cake? It made me happy, in a weird way. At least he was talking, at least he was coming out of his shell.

'I'll bake you a new one.' I said and he reached across the table to take my hand in his.

'Isn't it funny how you were so worried about being a burden. About me having to look after you? And now you're the one looking after me?'

'I think we're looking after each other.' I replied, squeezing his hand.

*

If your thoughts get too confusing, listen to your heart instead. I love you.
Grandma

It was all the letter said but it was all I needed to read. Just like Lana had said. My grandmother had always told me that I was 'wise beyond my years' and that there was nothing more she could teach me since my observing mind taught itself constantly. She had always known that the only thing standing in my way was the fact that I thought too much. Sometimes so much that I couldn't see clearly anymore.

There was a soft knock on the door, weird, since I was in her room.

'Yes?' Lana came in, looking at the piece of paper in my hands. 'To the point. As always.' I told her, putting the letter back in the envelope. There was another one inside, for Mikey.

'You wanna go for a walk?' she asked and I shook my head almost automatically.

She walked over to me, sitting down next to me on the bed. 'Let's drive to Sunset Park. We can stop by your apartment and you can get your stuff. And then we can get some food and have a picnic and watch the sun set over the harbor.' was she actually being serious? I was in no state to go out and pretend everything was fine and dandy.

'I'm not in the mood. Sorry.'

'I let you cry on my shoulder, I make the rules. I've never been there, Gerard. Please. I heard it's the best spot to watch the sunset.' she said, giving me the puppy eyes. 'Please.'

I knew what she was up to. We had talked about the fact that she had never really had a tour of NYC and how much she wanted to see the city before possibly leaving for Paris again. Which I didn't even want to think about. No, I didn't want her to go. But I couldn't tell her. She had to do whatever made her happy and I couldn't be as selfish as to think that even if I told her, I would be able to make her stay. It wasn't my right.

'So you want me to be your tour guide?' I asked, shaking my head at her and she smiled, putting her arm around my shoulders.

'Well I'm not gonna let you soak all my furniture with your tears. Can you think of a better distraction? A healthy one that is! If you do it, I'll let you sleep in my bed again.'

'Okay, sold.' I replied, making her snort. For the first time in over a week, I felt the hint of a smile on my lips.

*

Gerard was driving, since I didn't know the way. Although he didn't exactly seem excited that I had dragged him out into the real world, he didn't seem too unhappy either. His messy hair was hidden under a hoodie and the dark circles under his eyes made him look ill. But I had only felt bad for making him do this for a brief moment and now that he was obviously seeing the benefits, I had no regrets. I knew that sitting around crying and feeling sorry for yourself didn't help, especially in Gerard's case, his self-destructive tendencies only making it worse. And dangerous. I didn't want anything to happen to him.

We stopped at his apartment in Brooklyn and even though he invited me up, I decided to stay in the car in order to avoid a confrontation with his brother. He understood and promised to hurry. 15 minutes later he returned, carrying a large bag.

'Hey! I told you you could stay with me for a while, not that you could move in!' I winked and he sighed at my attempt to make him smile. He probably knew I wouldn't give up until I succeeded but he refused to make it easy for me.

We drove to Sunset Park and Gerard bought me the 'best hotdog in Brooklyn' which we ate as we sat on the blanket I had brought. I could tell he felt stupid that I was making him do this but he didn't complain which I gave him credit for. He probably wouldn't even do that on a date, I thought, although I had no idea if he was a romantic guy or not. From what I could tell, he was the type of guy who preferred small, meaningful gestures more than the grand, romantic ones. Which in itself was kind of romantic, at least in my opinion. But we were only here as friends and I didn't want anything from him other than his company. And maybe that smile.

The park was overlooking the harbor, even the Statue of Liberty was visible in the distance and I made a mental note, choosing it as our next destination. We didn't talk much since I could tell he wasn't in the mood and we left as soon as the sun had disappeared on the horizon.

'I didn't even ask you how you're feeling.' he stated as we walked back to the car.

'Don't worry about it. I'm doing well. I'm having another treatment next week and then they'll do some tests again. Nothing you should concern yourself with.' I told him, meaning it.

'I want to concern myself with it though.' he said, almost sounding offended. I was surprised.

'Well I'm sure that hospitals and cancer are the last things you want to deal with right now.' fuck, I wanted to distract him, end the day on a positive note and here we were, talking about it again.

'But I don't want you to have to deal with it by yourself. Lana, you were there for me. You are here for me, despite having so much on your plate. And I don't ever want you to think that you can't talk to me just because it reminds me of...her. I get that you want to protect me and I'm grateful but please, don't.'

We got in the car and I kept quiet for a while, thinking about what Elena had written in her letter.

When love finds you, don't hide and don't run. Stay still, and let it into your heart.

Love? Love. It all made sense now.