I got up and climbed into bed, lying down next to her and pulling a blanket over us as I realized she was shivering. I stared at her in wonder and adoration for a while, waiting for her to catch her breath and open her eyes. When she took her time, I moved closer, nudging her cheek with my nose and she shivered again.

'You're beautiful.' I whispered and finally, she opened her eyes, flashing an exhausted smile.

And I loved her. Pure and simple. There was nothing I was more sure of. I didn't want to think about how much it complicated things, right now, all I wanted was to be happy, happy that I was able to love, that I was able to love someone as amazing as her. Lana turned to face me, still smiling.

'Can I ask you something?'

'Sure.' I replied without hesitation. She wrapped her arms around me and now I was the one shivering.

'Where did you learn how to do that?' I was confused for a moment before I realized what she meant and blushed.

'Nowhere!' I said, giggling.

'Bullshit!' she boxed my arm but not too hard. 'That's bullshit!'

I blushed even more, grabbing the blanket to hide my face in it. She sat up and I could feel her tug at the fabric in order to make me face her so I turned onto my stomach, taking the pillow instead. It was obvious that she wouldn't just give up that easily so she started tickling my sides at which I squirmed, trying to get away from her.

'Did one of your ex-girlfriends teach you?' Lana asked and I laughed into the pillow.

'Noooohoo!' I shrieked as she continued to tickle me. I knew I was being a baby about it but it was kind of fun to wind her up.

'I won't stop unless you tell me!' she said and slapped my ass and I turned around before she could do it again. My face was burning. 'Porn? Was it porn?'

'As if you could learn anything from porn! Oh Lana, you are such a virgin!' I panted and she raised her brows, pinning me down on the bed by straddling me.

'Well, not anymore!' she grinned and I couldn't help but be turned on by her sassiness. As well as the sweet taste of her that still filled my mouth.

I looked at her for a moment, serious again. 'I just had to look at you to know what you liked. It wasn't that hard to figure out.' Now we both blushed.

'What do you like? Tell me, so I can do it for you.' she asked, her fingers starting to draw mindless patterns on my chest, avoiding my gaze.

'You on top of me is perfect, actually.' I bit my bottom lip and she giggled again, leaning down to kiss me.

*

We didn't really leave the bed for the next couple of days except to get food or take showers and even that we did together. All my insecurities had vanished and I was even comfortable with not wearing a beanie or a headscarf, the fluff on my head now actually looking more like hair anyway. Not that it really mattered to me at the moment, Gerard made me forget about everything to do with my illness. I couldn't keep my hands off him and as much as I dreaded the feeling of becoming attached to him, I locked it away, deeply hidden in the darkest corner of my mind. There would come a day when we had to part but that day wasn't today so we didn't think or speak about it.

But eventually, we had to leave our little bubble of crazy, carefree, untamed love and Gerard had to go back to band practise in order to prepare for the tour and I had to go back to the hospital for another round of treatment as well as some tests. And maybe, it had been a mistake to create that bubble in the first place. I knew he dreaded seeing his brother and facing the outside world again and I was worried that we had maybe gotten too dependent on each other. And the fact that Gerard needed me more than I needed him was even worse. He would go back on tour, surrounded by all these temptations and his band members had no idea how difficult it would be for him. Of course I believed in him but he still hadn't opened up about the underlying issues he had and was unable to deal with them. There was only so much I could do for him, the rest, he had to do for himself.

I would be okay, in my safe environment, my doctors on speed dial, my every need tended to. Well almost every need. There were a few that only Gerard could take care of. But overall, I'd be fine. At least as fine as I could be while worrying about him.

Before the tour started, Gerard wanted me to meet his band mates so I decided to come by the studio over in New Jersey where they practised. I had been to the hospital to see Dr Miller for a check-up and drove there afterwards. He promised me that there wouldn't be any drama with Mikey and that he had talked to him although I was still unsure about it. It sounded just a little bit like he was sugarcoating the situation and I knew for a fact that his brother couldn't be happy with the fact that Gerard had huddled up with me after Elena's death, leaving him alone in their apartment. Yes, the animosity between them had mostly been Mikey's fault but still.

I parked in front of the house, already able to hear music from the open basement windows. There was a familiar voice singing a familiar song and I recognized Gerard. He had given me a CD back at the hospital and although I had pretended to be unimpressed, I had of course listened to it. It was still a lot different hearing him sing live for the first time and hearing the pain in his voice made me feel a lump in my throat. I knew then that I really had reasons to worry.

*

The band meeting Lana went surprisingly well. Even Mikey was on his best behavior. Which meant, he wasn't nasty to her for a change but simply mumbled a brief 'Hi' before sitting in a corner, pretending to tune his bass. I still noticed him glaring at her but I had to give him some credit for making at least a bit of an effort.

Ray, Frank and Matt were lovely to her and although I could tell she felt slightly uncomfortable, she also warmed up to them quickly. They showed her the instruments, explained everything to her and let her try them out. She was a natural on the drums and Matt offered to give her lessons at which I smiled weakly, knowing that that would probably never happen. I was too aware of the fact that our time was running out.

When I got in the car with her, leaning in for a kiss, I knew something was wrong. The way she looked at me, different. Not like before.

'What's wrong?' I asked and she pulled away.

'Nothing.' she answered and I knew she was lying. 'Nothing at all.'

Instantly, I tried to find a reason for her behavior. What had I done wrong? Had she finally realized what a disappointment I actually was? That she deserved better? That I was far too messed up to make her happy and give her what she needed? Did she regret sleeping with me? Maybe she thought we were better off as friends after all. But I had felt it. Her love, her affection. I had seen it in her eyes and deep down I had known she was mine.

'If you're trying to push me away again, forget it. It's not going to work, Lana. You know how I feel. I'm gonna leave next week and I need to know that you feel the same way. And that you'll think of me. I need to know, please.' I was desperate and her eyes welled up with tears. Shit.

'I do. And I will. But-'

'No buts. Please. Not now. Not so soon. Can we just play house for a little longer?'

Play. Pretend. Fake it. Act. As though we had nothing to worry about. As though everything was perfect. As though we wouldn't leave each other behind eventually. As though the solution to the problem was easy. And maybe it was easy, maybe it was there right in front of us. It didn't change the fact that we couldn't see it. I had fallen and I had fallen hard, no, I was probably still falling.

'I'll try. If you promise you'll try for me.' she whispered.

And I promised.

*

He wasn't lying. Not consciously anyway. He lied without knowing he did. But I knew as soon as the words left his mouth that he couldn't keep his promise. That it was a mistake to have him make it in the first place, for all the wrong reasons. And ultimately, it kept me from keeping the one I had made to myself.

We spent the weekend together, doing our best to pretend, both of us desperate to somehow bring back those carefree moments we had spent together despite the undeniable realization that we were slipping further and further away from the truth, and each other. It was painful. Pretending it wasn't happening even more painful than the fact that it was happening. I had thought that Gerard hating me would tear me apart but it was him loving me the way he did that really did it.

'It's only three weeks. Then we got two off again. Hey, aren't you gonna be done with the treatment by then? Maybe we could go somewhere?' he said as he stared at me in the dark and I ran my fingers through his messy hair, loving the silky feel of it.

'Like a trip?' I asked and he nodded.

'We can go anywhere you want.'

I thought about it for a while, picturing us on a road trip or on a beach. Greg had a house in the Hamptons which he would surely let us use. It was a nice idea and I could tell it would mean a lot to Gerard. Especially because he wasn't the type of guy to do stuff like that, like almost everything else we had done together in the last few weeks, it was definitely out of his comfort zone. But he did it anyway, just to make me happy. The least I could do was try.

'Yeah, sounds great.' I said and he smiled. I could set everything up while he was away, it would give me something to do and focus my energy on.

'And you're gonna come to our show at Irving Plaza, right?' he was excited like a little kid about me seeing him and the band live for the first time. 'Right?'

I chuckled and snuggled up to him. 'Yes, yes I'll be there.'

I was looking forward to it. I knew how important it all was to him but also how difficult it would be, staying sober, especially because it was the first homecoming show without Elena watching him and his brother on stage. Of course she was irreplaceable but we had both shared a deep connection with her and me being there would compensate for her absence at least a tiny bit. She had always told me about how much she loved watching both Gerard and Mikey, that she had taught them to play instruments and to sing from a very young age but that Gerard, up until a few years ago, had lacked the confidence to really do it. But eventually, the urge to share the music and the message had been stronger than the fear of failure. From what I could tell, there was no need to worry about that anyway. He was good at it, great, actually. Passionate. The lyrics so complex, telling not only one story but another, underlying one, that wasn't obvious to everyone. It made it even more meaningful.

Yes, in that moment, I believed in Gerard.