I didn't want to accept that there was a possibility my grandmother could die. To me, she was invincible, indestructible, even immortal. She was the biggest superhero of all. No one and nothing could harm her and I would not listen if anyone ever tried to tell me differently. Yet I was here, walking along the corridors of the hospital, looking for the sign with the word I dreaded to read. Oncology.

My mother waited until I was back from Europe to tell me. As me and the guys landed at JFK, she called and told me that my gran had been diagnosed with cancer and was already in hospital starting chemotherapy. She had told me more but after hearing the word 'cancer' my mind had gone blank. I hadn't even changed, had headed straight to the hospital after getting off the plane.

'Excuse me, Sir? Are you looking for someone?' a nurse asked me and I stopped, not able to look her in the eyes.

'Elena Rush. She's my grandmother.' I answered and the nurse smiled sympathetically. Why did nurses or doctors think that this sort of smile would help? It was such a fake gesture, too trained. Stop it, I thought. Just stop trying so hard. I'm here to visit my dying relative, not picking up a consolation prize because I only came second in a soap box derby.

'I see. She's getting chemo right now. Follow me.' she said but I hesitated. Did I really want to see that? Maybe I should wait until she was done.

'It sounds worse than it is. The barfing and shitting doesn't start until a few hours after the party. You'll be outta here by then.' a girl in a wheelchair said as another nurse wheeled her past me.

'Lana!' the nurse I had been talking to shook her head, clearly upset with the girl for saying these things in front of me.

'What? I would know.' she stopped the wheelchair and spun around, looking me up and down. She was pretty, even looking as gaunt as she did, wearing oversized, worn-out clothes that covered her skinny body and a beanie to hide her bald head. 'You must be Gerard. Elena's grandson, right? Well, one of them anyway but I think she mentioned you had black hair. You can come with me, I'm heading to the bar.'

So grandma had been talking about me. It didn't surprise me since she constantly told me how proud she was of me and my younger brother Mikey, she had practically raised us, was more like a mother to us than our actual mother.

The nurse sighed again and the girl named Lana rolled her eyes. I felt almost as if I had been glued to the floor, unable to move.

'Dude, I know it's scary. Believe me. Since, ya know, I'm one of the people who actually has to go through it. Not gonna throw a pity party here. The sooner you get used to it, the better. Your nan is doing fine. Now come on and push me, I don't have all day.' Lana said and I finally moved, grabbing the handles of her wheelchair. I felt somewhat guilty and slightly annoyed at her that she was the reason why I felt guilty, but I kept my mouth shut, aware that she was most likely using her wicked, dark sense of humor to cover up the fact that she was scared shitless.

All I could hope for was to find my grandmother in good spirits, maybe even joking about the shitty situation just like the girl. She was still so young. In her early twenties, maybe. She might not pity herself, I thought, but I certainly did.

*

'Gerard! Darling!' Elena's face lit up as she saw Gerard entering the room. 'I see you already met Lana! Didn't I tell you he was a nice boy?'

I turned around in my chair and looked up at him but he didn't notice. His hazel eyes had already started welling up with tears and I cursed myself for not being more sensitive. I could have said something nice to prepare him for it but I didn't. He let go of the wheelchair and I made my way over to my usual spot, next to Elena. She had brought the cards although I knew that today we wouldn't use them.

'Hey...' Gerard said and followed, hugging Elena as she extended her arms to him. Right now, his heart was most likely breaking as he felt how much weight she had already lost. I remembered when she first came here, only four weeks ago, looking healthy on the outside although inside her, the cancer had been spreading. Now, it was showing on her face, her body, even in her voice.

'How's my little rockstar? How was Europe? Tell me everything!' bless her heart, I thought. Bless her heart for trying to sound positive. I wish I could still do that, all jokes aside.

'It was great. But I wish I could have been here. I'm sorry.' he muttered, holding back tears once again.

I got distracted for a moment as the nurse hooked up my IV and brought me a blanket, knowing I would get cold the second the liquid entered my blood stream. Gerard looked up, watching me. I stared at him when I realized he really was beautiful. Elena hadn't been joking. He had a doll face, perfect features and the only thing missing was a heart-stopping smile to match. I was grateful for the lack of it though, seeing as heart-stopping wouldn't really be to my benefit right now, given my current condition. His beauty made me feel aware of my obvious ugliness and I looked away again, knowing I wouldn't be able to get rid of the depressing thoughts once they had entered my mind if I gave in to it for too long. What did it matter how I looked like anyway? The only male nurse was gay and everyone else here was over 50.

'Oh shush now, Gerard.' Elena said and I decided to put on my headphones, drowning their voices with the sound of the Smashing Pumpkins filling my ears. I had listened to their conversation for long enough and felt it was time to give them their privacy.

Elena had told me that Gerard and his younger brother Mikey were in a band, My Chemical Romance, who had just toured Europe for the first time. I had lived in Paris for most of my life and wondered if they had enjoyed the city. I missed it sometimes but my mother had gotten married again, to a lawyer from Manhattan and since I relied on her ever since I had gotten sick almost a year ago, I had no choice but to come with her. At the end of the day it didn't matter where I lived, I hardly saw the outside of my hospital room these days. It was a depressing thought considering I was missing out on...life, basically. I didn't feel sorry for myself but I envied people like Gerard, seeing the world, having fun, probably screwing his brains out with all the pretty girls that undoubtedly threw themselves at him. I even envied Elena which was a dark thought considering her cancer was incurable. At least she had lived her life. Had had kids and grandkids. Something I would never be able to do. I saw Gerard smile at something she said while softly touching his cheek and yes, it was kinda heart-stopping.

*

I said goodbye to grandma and her friend, leaving her with the promise of visiting again the next day. Hopefully I would be able to convince Mikey to come along this time. According to my parents, he hadn't come by to see them either and as I entered the apartment we shared, he was already out and about. Probably getting stoned or laid to avoid everything to do with the fact that our grandmother was dying of cancer. I wish I could do the same. As much as I wanted to, I was out of pills and booze and the only thing that could numb my pain was the deep sleep that the jetlag brought upon me. For now, I had to stay sober anyway. I owed my grandmother that much. I didn't want to show up high or hungover at the hospital, wanted to enjoy the time I had left with her with a clear head.

It took my brother a whole week to change his mind and I felt bad, making excuses for him every time me and my parents showed up at the hospital by ourselves. When he finally did show up, he was rude but of course, my grandma didn't blame him. We were perfect angels to her, no matter what we did. Sometimes I felt bad, convinced that I didn't even deserve her love. If she only knew what a disappointment I really was.

'Hey.' I said to Lana, who was sitting on her bed, typing something on her laptop as I entered the room, looking around to find my grandma.

'Hey! You just missed her. They took her down for a CT.' she replied without even looking up.

'Oh. You mind if I wait here?' I asked, not sure whether she wanted to be alone or not. Since my first visit, I hadn't really seen her and my grandmother had mentioned something about a drug trial in New Hampshire.

'Nope.' she finally glanced up at me, raising her brows, putting on her headphones and I could hear the faint sound of a familiar song. Zero by the Smashing Pumpkins. I smiled to myself, it was one of my favorites.

'I love that song.' I told her, realizing as soon as the words had left my mouth that she couldn't hear me anymore. She took the headphones off again, clearly annoyed.

'What?'

'I said, I love that song. They're touring again soon.' I smiled but her expression remained.

'So? It's not like I can go.' Lana answered and I could have slapped myself.

'Yeah...course not. Sorry.' boy, I would have killed for a Xanax right about now.

As happy as I was that my grandma had a friend here, Lana had changed since the first time I met her. I wondered if she was getting worse. That maybe the drug trial she put her hopes in wasn't helping. I didn't know a lot about her. She was from Paris, I could tell from her slight accent which made her sound more bitchy than she probably intended to be sometimes. Or not. She had only just turned 21 and her mother was too busy being a trophy wife than caring for her daughter. Apparently, paying her medical bills was enough support. It was a shame. That her only company was an old dying woman and her weirdo grandson who was incapable of making conversation and was insensitive when he tried. I was talking about myself, obviously.

'Whatever. Enjoy yourself.' she muttered and again put on her headphones, glaring at me as if to warn me about not interrupting her again.

*

I had no reason to be mean to this guy. Other than jealousy. Which was ridiculous, of course, but I couldn't help it. I was even jealous of that head full of black hair, my own had fallen a victim to the chemo a long time ago. I was jealous of the smell of cigarettes on him, craving one so badly it made my mouth water. Most of all, I was jealous that he cared. That him and his family cared about Elena, one of them visiting almost every day.

The drug trial was going well so far but there were no obvious improvements. After such a long time no one expected it either. At least it wasn't making me worse. The doctors were positive, even talking about letting me leave the hospital for a few days, possibly releasing me and continuing the trial and the chemo as an outpatient treatment. Truth be told, it scared me. The thought of leaving this perfectly safe environment behind, leaving my friends here behind. I was pretty much on my own at home.

'You gotta take a chance at life.' Elena had said. 'Isn't that what you wanted?'

And yes, she was right. But as ungrateful as I knew it was, I wanted a real life. Not some kind of half-ass life.

'That's no life. It's just surviving.' I had answered. 'Not sure if that's enough.'

'It has to be, darling. For now, at least.'

I took off the headphones once again, looking over at Gerard who was nervously biting his fingernails, staring into space. I felt bad.

'I'm sorry.' I said, my words seemingly surprising him.

'Don't worry about it.' he just replied, his face lightening up. I had had no right to let my frustration out on him, he was just a stranger, visiting his grandmother who happened to share a room with me. My behavior was uncalled for.

'And you thought I was the cancer clown. Oh how wrong you were.' I gave him a smile and he shrugged.

'I knew you were pretending. Just like everyone else here. Hospitals see more actors than theater stages.'

The truth behind his words hit me like a fist. It was the first time anyone had said it like it really was.

'You're not a very good actor then, I assume.'

'Neither are you.' he looked at me and suddenly, the jealousy I had felt for him, disappeared. There was so much sadness in his eyes, darkening his beautiful face like a cloud on a warm summer day.

The moment was interrupted by Elena, arriving back in the room from her CT. She was delighted to see Gerard and at her smile, the cloud disappeared. Maybe, he was a good actor after all.