A Collection Of One-Shots CLOSED
The Drug In Me Is You (1/5)
"Hey. Wake the hell up." A familiar voice demanded, nudging me on the shoulder.
"What is it?" I yawned, pushing their hands away.
"I said wake the hell up!" I felt a strong slap across my cheek. My eyes opened in terror and I was met with a gun pressed to my forehead and the rage-filled eyes of my boyfriend. I opened my mouth to scream, only to be silenced by the piercing fire of the gun.
I shot up from my bed, screaming like a madman. It took a minute to realize I had been dreaming and I clenched my chest in an attempt to slow my racing heart. I could feel beads of sweat rolling down my face, accompanied by my ragged breathing. Not long after, hurried footsteps ran towards my door and Gerard made his way in.
"Are you okay hun?!" He rushed to my bed side, grasping my hand. I nodded, trying to steady my breath while I gripped his hand tightly.
"Nightmare?" He asked, concern filling his voice. I nodded again, my mouth was not allowing me to form words yet.
He thought for a moment before asking, "Your parents?". I trembled a little, tears spilling over.
"Y-Yeah." I muttered, my voice sounding harsh and tattered. I tried to stop the flow of tears from my eyes, hoping he wouldn't notice. There was no way I'd tell him the truth. I definitely hadn't been dreaming about my deceased parents, but he didn't need to know that. I had however, been dreaming of my boyfriend. His name was Scott Rogers, we'd been dating for about a month. But this wasn't one of those sweet teenage wet dreams. It was violent, and terrifying. This was a dream I had yet to decipher, but I knew there was something my subconscious wasn't allowing me to forget. Gerard pulled me into a strong hug, forcing me to leave my deep state of thought.
"Thanks Gee." I said snuggling closer to him. After a few minutes I realized he wasn't planning on letting go, I appreciated the gesture but I probably had to get up for work soon.
"Hey, what time is it?" I asked. I could make out a disconcerting look on his face, "A quarter till five. Let me go in for you today Olivia." he gripped me tighter.
"No. I'm going, I've got a dangerous client today. He's on meth, he's paranoid so if he sees someone other than me he'll freak out and I don't know what could happen." I attempted to squirm out of his arms and he pulled me closer.
"Be careful Livy. Take a weapon with you." He still didn't loosen his grip till I began shuffling uncomfortably again. I grumbled and hopped out of bed. I really wished he wouldn't do that. Hugging me, It's the reason I was in this fucking predicament. He had a girlfriend, I couldn't even pretend like the feelings were mutual. I wouldn't have jumped in a relationship with a psycho if I hadn't been so heartbroken. But I knew I couldn't blame him for that, I couldn't blame him for anything. I loved him. I swallowed my tears, this wasn't the time to think about this.
"Get out. I've gotta change." I said opening the door and gesturing him out. He walked out, his shoulders slumped and his face still filled with worry.
"You're pushing me away Olivia.." He mumbled before I closed the door. Yes, I was indeed pushing him away. But I couldn't help it, I couldn't get rid of these feelings if he remained this close. I proceeded to get ready, fighting back the urge to run to my bed and cry under the covers.
I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and threw on some clothes. I also had to get my school stuff prepared because by the time I got back home I wouldn't have time to get ready, I'd just have to grab my bag and run. I paused for a minute before grabbing my 'job purse'. My purse filled with drugs. Every time I had to do this I could only think of my parents, and how they would be so ashamed. But they weren't around to help me anymore, this was something I had to do, we all had to do. For the last 3 years I've been living in this house with my childhood friends Gerard, Mikey, Ray, and Frank. We were all orphans except for Frank. Frank's deadbeat parents were the reason we all hadn't been put in the system and dragged off to foster homes. Frank's parents agreed to adopt us all as long as we found a way to live on our own. We never saw them, unless they wanted money. Money which we always gave them to shut them up and have them on their way. They were more of a burden when they were here than when they weren't. They were druggies and alcoholics. But to the public, they were hardworking moral citizens who'd adopted a bunch of kids and gave them a steady household. People just thought that they were never around because they had super busy jobs and were always on business trips. No complaining here though, if that lie worked for others then it worked for us. We had each others backs, it's always been that way. We took turns with who had to sell what on which day. We had our own shifts and our own turfs. It worked, we usually made a pretty good income. And we were good at what we did, we haven't had an incident with the cops yet. Although risky, this was the best way for us to live. We had to pay for bills, food, clothes, supplies, school. More importantly, we had a good family here. Sure, we didn't have parents, but we had each other. Even before we bought a house with Frank, we were always together.
When I was about 6 years old my parents took in a pair of brothers, Gerard and Mikey Way. My mother couldn't have anymore children so my father and her happily welcomed them. We lived in the slums of New Jersey, people died there all the time. Gerard and Mikey lived down the street from us so when their parents were mugged and killed we helped them out immediately. In a place like this, you kind of had to have your neighbors' back. Ray came along when his single mother OD'd on heroine, they had also lived down the street. So as you can see, we all grew up together. Frankie was my cousin, but I called him my brother. He was almost always at our house too, seeing as his parents were so unstable. His mother always just left him with my mother when they didn't want to take care of him. I really did admire my mother for her strong will, Frankie and I were born around the same time so she had to take care of two infants at once. You couldn't leave a newborn baby with a woman that was on drugs 24/7. Of course she stopped when she was pregnant, but she quickly relapsed when she gave birth. My mother was the greatest woman I'd ever known. When she died I wasn't the only one that lost a mother, the guys did too.
My father followed her shortly after, he slowly lost his mind, started snorting coke. He was dealing with the grief of losing his wife and having to take care of a house full of children in his final days. We all remember that day, walking into the bathroom where he'd slit his own wrists. He was laying inside a tub filled with blood, limp and lifeless. I remember Ray cried that day more than anyone, they were the closest. Ray never even had a father figure till my dad, although he loved each of us unconditionally, we always knew Ray was his favorite. Whenever we all felt sad, Ray would take Dad's old guitar and play all the songs he used to play to us. It was special, sometimes Gerard would sing along too, in place of my Mother's voice. I loved Gerard's singing, It was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.
I loved all my 'brothers', but I loved Gerard in a different way. Up till middle school I always thought Gerard loved me in the same way too. We used to joke that we would marry each other when we were little and he used to always kiss me on the cheek. Me and Mikey joked in the same way but it was always more serious with Gerard. It drove Mikey crazy too! He would cry whenever me and Gerard would go off on our own. But like I said, this all ended in middle school. Gerard started dating girls and soon stopped hanging out with me so much. It hurt me a lot, even though Ray and Frankie were always still there to hang out. But again, even that became limited because they too got girlfriends by the time we all reached the 9th grade. Mikey was just starting middle school when we entered high school, so I didn't have many people to talk to. I had a friend named Anna, but we stopped talking after my parents died. I had shut everyone out except for the guys. Not because I grew depressed, but because we had to start dealing drugs at this time to get by. It wasn't so bad because the rest of the guys also dumped their girlfriends and we only stuck together. It was like this for the next three years.
So here we were now our Senior year, Mikey now a sophomore, and I could feel history repeating itself a little bit. Gerard got a girlfriend about 3 months ago. But I was grateful, grateful we all hadn't been taken to foster homes, grateful that we could get out of the slums and move into a nice neighborhood. Grateful that we found a way to get by, even if it wasn't the safest. So I couldn't find a way to be upset about it. At first we all didn't approve of Gerard dating again, considering we were all 'drug dealers'. But we wanted him to be happy, so we eventually supported him. Luckily it's not how it was in middle school and we all still hang out together when he's not with her. But eventually, it wasn't enough for me. I recently got into a relationship with a boy from my seminar, Scott Rogers. I thought Scott was cute but I didn't really like him. Obviously the only reason I hooked up with him was because I couldn't get over Gerard. I always had guys trying to ask me out but with four protective brothers they usually got nowhere near me. Good thing too because I never had to worry about chasing them off, they would do it for me. This time though, I was the one to pursue a relationship, so there wasn't much they could do.
Even though I've been dating Scott for a month, the rest of the guys still hated his guts. Especially Gerard, which was strange because I didn't hate his girlfriend. She was actually a royal bitch but I didn't hate her. She made Gerard happy so I tried to tolerate her. Ever since I started dating Scott, Gerard began making an extra effort to try to talk to me. It actually gave me a little bit of false hope, I hated it, so I started pushing him away in response. Ah, but now my rebound relationship was starting to backfire on me. Scott found out about my drug dealing about a week in of us dating. I told him to mind his own business, but then the begging started. He wanted me to sell to him. I didn't want to do that because I knew how drugs destroyed people. Frankie's parents, Ray's Mom, my Dad. Despite selling them, I refused to let anyone I know get involved with them. But eventually, I gave in and gave him marijuana so he would shut up. He was okay at first, going out to party every now and then. If anything, it only made our conversations less boring, he always had something to talk about. But then I noticed missing portions of cocaine in our supply. It's hard to miss because It's extremely expensive and we count it very carefully.
Last week he skipped school, I didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it till he showed up to my doorstep a nervous wreck. I had been home alone and he barged his way in demanding I give him 'more'. Of course I denied having any and asked him to reimburse me for what he stole. He tried to strangle me and I kicked him in the stomach. He didn't make anymore attempts and instead dropped to the floor in a fit of tears and screaming. I really wasn't sure what to do, I feared for myself but I also feared for him. Before anyone could come home I gave him something to help him calm down and lead him to my bedroom. He would shake violently at times, but still managed to walk on his own. I told him to lay down and ran to get some wet rags. I then stayed by his side, letting him grip my hand for about an hour. When the shaking slowed I knew he fell asleep, this would only last for another half hour. I remembered when my Dad would snort a little too much coke, he'd have episodes and would fall asleep only to wake up minutes later screaming. Back then me and Ray would stay by his side till it all passed. Gerard and Frankie would keep Mikey busy so he wouldn't know what was actually happening. He was just too young at the time. I knew I had to get Scott out of here before anyone got home though. If they found out he'd been doing drugs or even if he was the one that cut us short he'd be dead meat. I remember sighing, thinking this boy has proved to be more trouble for me than good. I was right, but I helped him up and lead him to my car anyways. I would have to stay with him at his house till he could be left alone. I left a note on the fridge "I'll be out for tonight."
Scott had his own place since he turned 18, his family had a lot of money, so he took that as a first chance to get out of the house. It explained why he was able to come home high everyday, I would've thought his parents were deadbeats like Frank's. Quite the opposite, he was the spoiled rich kid type. He was pretty much passed out the entire car ride, but when we got to his house he started having muscle spasms, or seizures. I really couldn't tell, so I just parked the car in his driveway and sat with him till I knew he could walk. When he got better he opened the door to his house, leaning on me for support. Keep in mind during all of this, neither of us had spoken a word. He sat me down at his dinner table, looking at the wall in frustration as he tried to sort his thoughts out.
Eventually he spoke, "Thank you Olivia." I replied with a simple 'don't mention it'.
"I'll reimburse you. I'm sorry." he added.
"Never do this again Scott. You could have died, I mean it." I told him. Eventually we got up and walked to the door, I was going to take my leave since he seemed to be doing better. We stood there for a bit, still silent. We don't go on dates so we haven't really found our own way of saying bye to each other. Normally couples will hug and kiss each other, but we just awkwardly stood there.
"I don't know what I would've done without you." He said, nearing closer. I took a step back, slightly alarmed.
"I can't even get a hug?" He questioned. I forced a smile and hesitantly walked into his open arms.
"Much better." he mumbled. He kept me squeezed against him for the next few minutes.
"When are we going to have our first kiss?" he laughed.
"Oh. Uh. I don't know." I panicked, I had no intention of kissing him even if we were in a relationship. How long did I think this was going to last? I should've known these things were expected of me when I agreed to go out with him. We're teenagers after all.
"It's been a month already.. You never even let me hug you. Don't you like me?" He asked. I could tell he was still high, his words were slurring together.
"I do, but-" He cut me off, "But what? Is there someone else?" his grip on me went tighter. I frantically shook my head and his eyes flared up in anger.
"Why aren't I good enough?! I try everything to make you happy, make you laugh, make you want me, but you act like you don't care! You never call me first! Why the fuck are we together, am I some kind of joke to you?!" He screamed, shaking me violently.
"Scott! Calm down!" I winced at my arms, he was gripping them so tight that I thought I could feel broken skin underneath his fingernails.
I couldn't squirm my way out either, his hold on me was too strong.
"Scott, please! You're hurting me!" I cried.
"I'm hurting you? You're hurting me! All I do is think about you but I bet I never even cross your mind!" He shocked me by crashing his lips onto mine. I strongly resisted, not keeping my head still like he wanted. I eventually found a way to bite down on his bottom lip, hard enough to draw blood.
"FUCK!" He shouted, his hands released me and darted straight up to his mouth. I swung the door open and took this as my chance to run.
Before he could respond I frantically jumped into the drivers seat of my car and took off. I could see him running after me from the rear-view mirror of the car until he grew tired and gave up. Eventually, his slumped figure in the middle of the street faded from my sight.
I drove slow, allowing my mind to calm down and my breathing to regulate. I was spaced out like this until I got back home. All the lights were off so I thought everyone was asleep, but when I got inside Frank and Gerard were sitting in the living room talking.
"Since when did we decide it was okay to stay out all night?!" Gerard yelled when he saw me.
"We were worried Olivia." Frank said as he smacked Gerard upside the head for being so loud.
"Where were you?" Gerard said ignoring him and furrowing his eyebrows.
"Scott's." I sighed, now removing my coat and shoes.
"What?" Frank growled this time.
I raised an eyebrow, "Why the attitude Frankie?"
"Were you having sex?" Frank gave me a serious look and Gerard's gaze averted to the corner of the room.
Oh, so now you want to be silent.
"That's none of your business." I crossed my arms, growing annoyed.
"Fucking hell Livy." Gerard cursed, storming out of the room.
I snorted, "The fuck is that about?"
Frank just shot me a look and ran after him.
This was not my day. I gritted my teeth and punched the wall.
"Fuck." My fist recoiled, throbbing in pain. I made a noticeable crack in the wall's wood, I'd have to fix it later.
I Ignored the pain coursing throughout my hand and ran up the stairs into my bedroom. I flipped through my phone for a bit before taking my clothes off and falling asleep.
So that was sort of how that day went. Following this Gerard and Frank eventually calmed down and we made up. Ray and Mikey weren't really mad even after they found out why we were arguing. Ray gave me one of his lectures but that was the end of it. The only other time we had a falling out was when they all noticed the marks on my arms from when Scott grabbed me and dug his fingernails into my skin. That was sort of hard to explain, I ended up telling them I had a client from work that was a nervous wreck and accidentally grabbed me. This caused a bit of problems for me, earning me an escort to my shift the next day. Nonetheless, Gerard continued with his persistently clingy behavior. Even more so than before. I remember getting a call from Scott and Gerard practically grabbed the phone out of my hand. Not that I was going to answer… It still bothered me.
It bothered me because when his girlfriend Erin came over she was the center of his universe. No one else mattered, not even me. And like always, I'd earn the look of death from her every time I pulled Gerard away while she was around. It wasn't just me she did it to, it was the rest of the guys too. That girl was pure evil, she could claw someones eyes out by merely looking at them. We were his family, yet she still felt so strongly about having him to herself. That's how I knew I didn't like her, my feelings for Gerard aside. If she was devious and greedy enough to hate his family, she had no place in his life. Gerard sure knew how to pick 'em..
On another note, that Monday was bound to be hell, but not for the usual reasons. On monday's, my first class was Spanish with Gerard, Ray, and you guessed it, Erin. It was a class I resented due to Erin's hateful behavior towards us. I don't know why Gerard never noticed it, she practically threw insults at me and Rey every chance she got. Her motive was always to get us to get up and walk away, so she could sit with Gerard by herself. Usually she just focused on me, but somedays she'd be a little bi polar. I remember this one time when Gerard got up to use the bathroom, Ray snapped at her and said "Look princess, I don't have to tolerate you just because you're dating Gee. Get over yourself, you're a waste of fucking air. It wont be long till he realizes that." She spit in his face and he stormed off pissed. I really gave him props for that, if she had spit in my face I would have beat her senseless. I know he couldn't really do that seeing as he was a guy, but just the willpower to walk away was admirable. Anyways, that Monday was the first day I just decided to sit by myself. This day was only an exception though, I wasn't letting her win. I was just so worried about other things that I didn't have the patience to deal with her.
So what was I worried about? Scott. This would be the first day I'd see him since the incident at his house. That is of course if he even bothered to come to school. I'd been ignoring his calls all weekend so I had no idea how this was going to go. I didn't know if he was angry or apologetic or just plain hysterical. There was actually a part of me hoping he hadn't cleaned up his act and skipped school some more. I just didn't want to deal with him yet. Unfortunately, when I stepped out of the classroom he was waiting for me, back pressed against a wall. I sighed wanting to just pretend like I didn't see him. But I knew I'd only be denying the inevitable, so I walked up to him and linked arms with him.
"Just talk and walk. Act normal please." I mumbled to him, smiling and waving bye to Gerard and Ray.
To my advantage he went along with it and began walking with me to my locker.
"I tried to contact you. I'm sorry, I really am." He said quietly.
"You really fucked up Scott." I replied silently.
"I know, I'm sorry. It will NEVER happen again. I swear to you." He said pulling me to face him and looking into my eyes sincerely.
"The cocaine had me messed up really bad. I didn't mean to hurt you or say any of the things I did. Hurting you is the last thing I'd ever want to do. I'm still a little out of it, but I promise I'm doing better. I haven't touched a single drug since then." He hesitantly caressed my face, attempting to be as loving and gentle as possible. I did forgive him, but I wanted out of whatever this was. I still didn't love him anymore than I did yesterday. But there was something else, a part of me that felt like if I broke up with him now he would relapse and totally fuck up his life. Maybe I could stay with him for a little longer? Just to make sure he got back on the right track? Part of me was still a little frightened though, not long ago did I have to run for my life. Who's to say that couldn't happen again? I chewed on my lip and thought for a minute, I didn't want to lead him on but I didn't want to abandon him. I just didn't have it in me. I responded with body language and pulled him into a strong hug.
"It's okay. Stay clean and I'll back you up all the way." I parted from him, forcing a smile. His eyes lit up immediately and he pulled me back into an even stronger hug, now kissing my forehead multiple times.
"I won't disappoint you Olivia." At this point the warning bell rang and he let me go, "I'll see you later hun, I still have to stop by my locker." He smiled and went on his way. I sighed in relief, I could delay my decision for a bit seeing as he didn't ask me if we were still on.
When lunch came around Gerard stayed close to me, I knew he could sense something was wrong. He always could. If my behavior in first period didn't tip him off then my scowl during lunch did. His worry for me caused Erin to get riled up. She suddenly got this stupid idea for us all to have an Arm wrestling contest. I snorted, she only wanted to beat me at something in front of Gerard. I was the only person she could go up against seeing as I was the only other girl at the table. I stepped up to the challenge not even thinking twice. I could see Gerard was giving me a strange look. A look that said he wanted me to do him a favor. I sighed, and pulled out my phone. This was always our way of secretly communicating, unoriginal yes, but very handy. We could manage a few words seeing as Mikey and Frank were attempting their first round.
what is it now? I texted him.
Please let her win ok? U kno she gets upset when she loses. We all kno u can beat her don't worry He replied.
I threw him a completely unamused glare.
what the fuck gee I typed.
please? for me? she already feels kinda inferior to u
I almost laughed out loud. Erin, feeling inferior to someone? He must be fucking brainwashed. That girl thought she was superior to god.
Ur an idiot.. I typed back.
I mean't it, he was an idiot for thinking she was some kind of sweetheart. He was an idiot for doing this to me. He was an idiot for disregarding my feelings. He was an idiot for making me feel this way.
I shoved my phone in my pocket, my signal to him that this conversation was done. He continued to throw me pleading looks on the side, pouting a little bit.
Pouting? Really? How could he care about her so much! What the fuck was so special about her! It was arm wrestling for gods sake.
I clenched my fists and jaw, attempting to calm my growing anger and frustration.
Mikey and Frank now finished, Frank ending up the victor. Erin piped up, "Okay now me and Olivia!"
She linked arms with me cheerily and I just glared at her. I could see that Ray rolled his eyes. I was so glad at least he saw how fake she was.
I positioned my arm on the table. I didn't know what I was going to do, I just looked straight ahead so I couldn't see any of the looks Gerard was trying to give me.
Gerard counted to three and she began pushing. For the first ten seconds, I held my arm in the exact same position. I fought back a grin as I watched her putting her all into trying to make my arm move. Her face flushed red and I thought I could see a vein popping out of her forehead. I didn't make any advances to win the match or move her arm, I just kept mine in place. She could tell I wasn't even trying and gritted her teeth in frustration. I almost laughed. I suddenly got an idea and started gripping her hand tightly. She whimpered a little as I squeezed tighter and tighter. I was going to make her forfeit on her own. She yelped as I finally heard a little crack come from her hand. I would have kept going if I hadn't felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Gerard's desperate eyes. He looked distressed, and saddened. My heart sunk and I looked back to Erin. She was trying to hold back the urge to cry and kept pushing on my hand.
She wasn't giving up? I sighed heavily and let my arm go limp. Why did I do the things I do?
My arm slammed against the table and she jumped up in a fit of giggles.
"YAAY heehee! Look baby! I beat Olivia!" she exclaimed. I felt a hand brush against my back and pat me. It was Ray, he was throwing me an understanding look. Ah I was so grateful for my brothers, I really did love them. I bit my lip as she jumped up and down, struggling to remain calm. Gerard mouthed a 'thank you' to me and ruffled my hair. I couldn't even force a smile. I was pissed at him and I didn't even know why. Gerard did his best to calm her down and change the subject. He now offered to go against Scott. I grinned a little bit, what did he think he could return the favor now? Be a loser with me? I snorted, throwing him a disapproving look. I could care less if he let Scott win. Scott doesn't even care if he wins. He's not a hard headed fuck like Gerard. From the looks of if, I even think Scott could win on his own. Gerard gave me a confused look and I twitched in annoyance.
"Get to it then." I said gesturing them to position their arms on the table. They complied, and once their hands were intwined I counted off. About 10 seconds passed when Gerard pulled his hand back saying ouch and rubbing his palm.
"Dude! You need to cut your nails. They're long as fuck!" Gerard laughed. Scott rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.
"Sorry, I kinda forgot." he laughed with him. They joked on it for about a minute until I suddenly noticed Gerard's voice halt mid-sentence, as if he was remembering something. He was silent for a few seconds, glancing at me then at Scott then back to me. Following this, his face went from pale to red with anger.
"What's wrong baby?" Erin asked him, rubbing his thigh underneath the table.
He ignored her and spoke up, "Olivia could I speak to you in private?" He got up from the table and gently pushed Erin's restricting hands away.
I was a little bewildered, what could he possibly have to say to me in private? Before I could respond he grabbed my wrist and yanked me to a vacant spot outside the lunchroom.
When we were far enough he turned me to face him.
"Gerard what ar-"
"It was him wasn't it." He cut me off.
"What?" I shook my head in confusion. I hadn't the slightest clue what he was talking about.
"Scott. Your arms, he fucking hurt you didn't he!" His eyes filled with anger.
What? Had he really made the connection between his nails and the cuts on my arms? I tried to think of something to say but I was stumped.
I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out.
"It was an accident!" I finally mustered.
He looked at me in disbelief, "You really expect me to believe that?"
"Yes! I do Gerard! Why in the world would Scott try to hurt me? And WHY would I lie to you about it if he did?" I looked into his eyes, searching for trust.
I technically wasn't lying, the drugs had made him do what he did.
Gerard chewed his lower lip, contemplating what to do.
"I don't trust him Livy." he finally said.
"No, you don't trust me." I responded, turning away from him. He tried to grab my shoulder but I shrugged his hand away. I wasn't mad. I was just pretending to be because I wanted the conversation to end. I was feeling sick to my stomach.
"Olivia! You know that's not what I meant! Come here!" He called to me in frustration.
I ignored him and kept walking. Yes, I knew he was just looking out for me. But I'd rather he didn't, It hurt me. Every time he looked at me with those caring eyes it hurt me worse than any pain I'd ever felt. I didn't care about any of this Scott crap, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
I stopped in my tracks after realizing I'd wandered off into the Junior hall. I scratched my head contemplating how I got here, I must have been totally out of it. I just intended to walk away far enough to get a little space but coming all the way over was a bit of a bother. We weren't allowed to walk around campus so I knew if a teacher saw me they'd try to write me up. I hated talking to teachers, they were all imbeciles. They thought they knew what was best for all of us in their 'proper' decadent little minds. Well, I probably made more money and had more responsibility on my shoulders than any of them. When it's like that, you don't want ANYONE to stand over you. So teachers and I don't mix well. I grumbled a bit, trying to remember a shortcut I could take back to the lunchroom. Suddenly, I heard someone clear their throat behind me.
"Ah shit.." I cursed under my breath before turning around. When I'd seen who was standing behind me I stepped back a little surprised.
"Erin? Shit. I thought you were someone else." I said sighing in relief. I attempted to gather my thoughts as I realized she was giving me another one of her dirty looks.
"What?" I spat.
"What were you and Gerard talking about?" She asked bluntly.
"You followed me all the way over here just to ask me that? Why not ask Gee himself?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Because I'm asking you." She growled.
"Watch it princess. I don't have to tell you shit." I snapped at her.
I was a little glad because I knew this mean't Gerard refused to tell her.
"Why do you have to be so fucking close to him all the time?" Her eye twitched.
"Excuse me? I live with him, he's my FAMILY. Who do you think you are? I've been around for 13 years, you've been around for 13 weeks!" I barked at her.
"I'm his girlfriend! I should come before anything! He only ever cares about you!" She cried. I stepped forward and covered her mouth, she automatically tried to kick me and push me away.
"Pipe down if you don't want to get suspended!" I hissed. She stopped struggling and I lowered my hand.
"Good." I said.
"God I fucking HATE you. If he's your brother why do you act like you're so in love with him? It's fucking gross. I see the way you look at him!"
"He's not my brother. Well..sort of. But, he's just family! And I only think of him as such! Don't get it twisted." I said now fidgeting. I guess I hadn't really thought about what Gerard was to me. On paper, we were all brother and sister. So how could I be in love with Gerard? In a way I always separated him from the rest of our family, like he was in a different category. But I'd still be quick to call him my brother? I cringed at the thought of have feelings for Ray or Frank or Mikey the way I did for Gerard. It just wasn't the same. And now thinking about it, what if it WAS the same for him. What if I was just his sister? What if he cringed at thoughts of loving me the way I loved him? My stomach twisted into knots. I turned away from Erin, who was still ranting, and walked away. She tried to chase after me but I kept walking faster to ward her off. At that point, the bell rang signaling that lunch was over and It was time to go to our next class. I ran to my locker, gathered my stuff, and exited the school. I didn't have any patience for anything else that day, I just had to get some relief. It was easy to sneak out of school so I often ended up skipping out on the rest of the day if I wasn't feeling it.
That night I got another lecture for it when everyone returned home. However, It didn't last long because I spent the whole evening selling our 'products' in the subway. I sold enough so that nobody had to work for the rest of the week, and we could afford a few other luxuries. They ended up thanking me immensely for it. One week that we didn't have to work was heaven for all of us, it gave us a chance to be kids for once. Unfortunately this mean't Scott and Erin came over, thanks to Mikey blabbing at lunch about us having the week off. This included awkwardly sitting in Scott's arms as we all watched a movie in the living room. When he was getting ready to leave he pecked me on the lips, much against my will. He was lucky he didn't try more than a peck, or I would have kicked him out right then and there. I still wasn't sure what to do about him. I felt he wasn't really stable yet, but I was tired of playing the role of his girlfriend. It seriously drained me, I didn't need it. The problem was despite all my resentment towards the situation, there was a small part of me deep down that cared for his well being. And that's why I couldn't kick him out of my life just yet. I had to make sure he was okay. Because if he were to carry on down the wrong path I would feel the guilt for the rest of my life. Sure, It'd be his own fault for messing with drugs, but it'd really be MY fault because I was the one he got them from first. I couldn't live with that.
Only… I felt that this burden that was Scott could be a burden too heavy to bear when I discovered another missing portion of cocaine Sunday afternoon. I almost snapped, really. Things had already taken a turn for the worse and I was angry about it. The only reason I brought Scott into my life was to help me get over Gerard, Scott had ended up bringing more bad than good. Come to think of it, had anything good come from him at all?
So here I was again, Monday morning. Only this time Monday started a little earlier than I wished because of my startling dream in which Scott shoots me right between the eyes. Why did I dream about this? I don't know. Something told me it was the missing cocaine, something told me it was the fact that he hadn't called all weekend like he usually does. Did I fear him losing control again? I could never understand the things my subconscious tried to tell me. There were always things I was feeling that I had no idea I was ever feeling. This was the way I discovered how I felt about Gerard. When I was about 9 I dreamt a scene from a disney movie only in my dream the prince was Gerard and I was the princess. Of course as I progressed through puberty these dreams became a little more.. risqué.
I tightly tied the laces on my combat boots, looking in the mirror one last time. I frowned at the dark circles under my eyes. Whenever I had a restless night my body never failed to remind me of it. It was times like this I wish I owned makeup. I never wore it, being in a house full of boys and having bills to pay it never seemed important. My long jet black hair was always pulled up into a ponytail or braid when I had to go sell. I didn't have the time or money for fancy irons and equipment, this was much easier. I also felt it made me look a little bit like Lara Croft.
"You wish." I laughed to myself. During times like this, it was good to have a sense of humor about certain stuff.
I finally made my way out the door, locking it behind me. Although our neighborhood was mostly safe and friendly, you could never be too careful. There were a lot of cautious habits we picked up on from living in the slums our whole lives.
Work went by smoothly and I managed to get in and out in time for school. Frank would be waiting up for me when I got back, we had a buddy system. One person would wait up for the person working that morning to make sure they got back safely with no problems, the rest would go to school. The reason we had two cars and that we didn't all go to school together was so we wouldn't be late all the time, it was more convenient for two people to be late than all five. There were times the person working couldn't make it back in time to pick each other up so two cars was necessary.
I stepped in the door and called for Frank, grabbing my school bag that was conveniently sitting on the table. I carefully placed my job purse inside it's safe and waited for the beep that signaled the door was locked. Frank stumbled out of the kitchen carrying two styrofoam cups and a brown bag.
"Coffee and bagels." He smiled.
"Ah, this is why I love you." I said grabbing his bag for him and opening the door.
"Work went swell?" He said as we situated ourselves into the car.
"Yep. Did you have to wait for very long?" I said buckling my seatbelt and starting the ignition.
"Not really, If anything I got to sleep for longer." He playfully stuck his tongue out.
A few minutes of silent passed till he startled me by sneezing.
"Woah there, you okay?" he asked.
"Y-Yeah." I replied. I didn't realize I was so on edge, it must have been from a lack of sleep.
"You sure?"
"Positive."
He thought for a moment, "Gerard told me about your nightmare.. you wanna talk about it?"
I cursed under my breath, why did he have such a loud mouth.
"No, It's fine Frankie. I mean it, it was probably just a night terror." I brushed it off.
"You don't have to be so strong all the time Livy, depend on us a little." He frowned.
"I do, I promise." I smiled reassuringly.
"Tell me what's really going on." He said unconvinced.
"Nothing-"
"Olivia." He insisted.
"Boyfriend drama. Very uninteresting." I groaned.
"Did he hurt you?" His eyes flared.
I stayed quiet for a moment, searching for my words. I always hesitated to speak about Scott because I hated lying to my brothers. I refused to lie to them, even if a lie would be better than the truth. Even so, I couldn't risk them finding out about the cocaine. They didn't even know that Scott knew about our lifestyle, they'd kill me.
"No." I said firmly.
"Olivia, I swear-" He began,
"No. He didn't touch me okay? I'm fine." I cut him off.
He tried to speak again but I piped in, "End of discussion."
He grumbled and turned on his iPod for the rest of the car ride, not wanting to have an argument so early in the morning. This was why I always rode with Frankie, we were alike in the manner. The others could pick at something for hours, especially Gerard.
When we got to the school I quickly searched for Scott, he was in some deep shit with me. If he didn't show up today I would march myself to his house guns blazing. I didn't have much time to look seeing as I barely made it on schedule. I eventually just went to my class and anticipated lunch time so I could continue my search. The hours went by slowly but eventually fourth period let out and I ran towards the lunchroom. The first thing I noticed was that the table we all sat at was empty. Huh, I must usually take a long time to come out if no ones gotten here yet.
Within a few minutes Mikey, Ray, Gerard and Frank made their way to the table with their lunch trays. We had some meaningless conversations and my eyes scanned the room every chance they got. Usually Scott came over late because he would go talk to his Jock friends so I wasn't assuming anything yet.
"No Erin today?" Mikey piped up, grabbing my attention.
I hadn't noticed, the usually always on-time Erin was nowhere to be seen. This was a revelation to me because she NEVER missed school and she NEVER strayed from Gerard's side. She was always stuck to him like super-glue. And I mean it when I say she never missed school, she had a perfect attendance record and she refused to ruin it, even for sickness.
Gerard frowned, "Yeah. It's so strange! She didn't even call me yesterday." I could see the worry that was plastered on his face.
"Gee honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. One of her fake breasts probably combusted and she's getting it fixed." Frank snickered, gathering a much held back laugh from the rest of us.
"It's not funny. You're being a dick Frank." Gerard's eyebrows furrowed. I tried to stifle my laugh and was caught by surprise when a pair of lips met my cheek.
"Hey love, sorry I couldn't return your calls, I was on a trip with my parents this weekend." Scott took a seat next to me and placed his things on the floor.
"Oh hear comes Mr. Rich Boy." Ray snorted and rolled his eyes. Scott ignored him and focused his attention on me. The others continued their conversation and I grabbed his hand and got up from the table.
"We need to talk." I said quietly but sternly.
"Yeah sure babe." He smiled walking with me to a quiet area.
"Where the fuck is it." I blurted.
"What?" He said looking puzzled.
"The cocaine!" I snapped.
"What? What cocaine? What are you talking about?" His eyebrows furrowed.
"Cut the crap Scott I know it was you. There's an entire gram missing!"
"What no. Olivia I didn't take anything, I swear! I told you I was done with that!" He looked into my eyes sincerely.
"Don't lie to me Scott." I growled. He shook his head in disbelief,
"I was with my parent's all weekend I swear! How could I possibly get high? Look, I can prove it!" He pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of him and his mother sitting in a boat. The picture was dated for two days ago. I contemplated it for a minute, what did this mean?
"I'm not lying to you Olivia, I swear I didn't take anything!" He pleaded. The crazy thing was, I believed him.
"So.. who took it then?" I said a strange fear beginning to well up inside of me.
"I don't know Livy, I really don't." He said sadly.
"What is it?" I yawned, pushing their hands away.
"I said wake the hell up!" I felt a strong slap across my cheek. My eyes opened in terror and I was met with a gun pressed to my forehead and the rage-filled eyes of my boyfriend. I opened my mouth to scream, only to be silenced by the piercing fire of the gun.
I shot up from my bed, screaming like a madman. It took a minute to realize I had been dreaming and I clenched my chest in an attempt to slow my racing heart. I could feel beads of sweat rolling down my face, accompanied by my ragged breathing. Not long after, hurried footsteps ran towards my door and Gerard made his way in.
"Are you okay hun?!" He rushed to my bed side, grasping my hand. I nodded, trying to steady my breath while I gripped his hand tightly.
"Nightmare?" He asked, concern filling his voice. I nodded again, my mouth was not allowing me to form words yet.
He thought for a moment before asking, "Your parents?". I trembled a little, tears spilling over.
"Y-Yeah." I muttered, my voice sounding harsh and tattered. I tried to stop the flow of tears from my eyes, hoping he wouldn't notice. There was no way I'd tell him the truth. I definitely hadn't been dreaming about my deceased parents, but he didn't need to know that. I had however, been dreaming of my boyfriend. His name was Scott Rogers, we'd been dating for about a month. But this wasn't one of those sweet teenage wet dreams. It was violent, and terrifying. This was a dream I had yet to decipher, but I knew there was something my subconscious wasn't allowing me to forget. Gerard pulled me into a strong hug, forcing me to leave my deep state of thought.
"Thanks Gee." I said snuggling closer to him. After a few minutes I realized he wasn't planning on letting go, I appreciated the gesture but I probably had to get up for work soon.
"Hey, what time is it?" I asked. I could make out a disconcerting look on his face, "A quarter till five. Let me go in for you today Olivia." he gripped me tighter.
"No. I'm going, I've got a dangerous client today. He's on meth, he's paranoid so if he sees someone other than me he'll freak out and I don't know what could happen." I attempted to squirm out of his arms and he pulled me closer.
"Be careful Livy. Take a weapon with you." He still didn't loosen his grip till I began shuffling uncomfortably again. I grumbled and hopped out of bed. I really wished he wouldn't do that. Hugging me, It's the reason I was in this fucking predicament. He had a girlfriend, I couldn't even pretend like the feelings were mutual. I wouldn't have jumped in a relationship with a psycho if I hadn't been so heartbroken. But I knew I couldn't blame him for that, I couldn't blame him for anything. I loved him. I swallowed my tears, this wasn't the time to think about this.
"Get out. I've gotta change." I said opening the door and gesturing him out. He walked out, his shoulders slumped and his face still filled with worry.
"You're pushing me away Olivia.." He mumbled before I closed the door. Yes, I was indeed pushing him away. But I couldn't help it, I couldn't get rid of these feelings if he remained this close. I proceeded to get ready, fighting back the urge to run to my bed and cry under the covers.
I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and threw on some clothes. I also had to get my school stuff prepared because by the time I got back home I wouldn't have time to get ready, I'd just have to grab my bag and run. I paused for a minute before grabbing my 'job purse'. My purse filled with drugs. Every time I had to do this I could only think of my parents, and how they would be so ashamed. But they weren't around to help me anymore, this was something I had to do, we all had to do. For the last 3 years I've been living in this house with my childhood friends Gerard, Mikey, Ray, and Frank. We were all orphans except for Frank. Frank's deadbeat parents were the reason we all hadn't been put in the system and dragged off to foster homes. Frank's parents agreed to adopt us all as long as we found a way to live on our own. We never saw them, unless they wanted money. Money which we always gave them to shut them up and have them on their way. They were more of a burden when they were here than when they weren't. They were druggies and alcoholics. But to the public, they were hardworking moral citizens who'd adopted a bunch of kids and gave them a steady household. People just thought that they were never around because they had super busy jobs and were always on business trips. No complaining here though, if that lie worked for others then it worked for us. We had each others backs, it's always been that way. We took turns with who had to sell what on which day. We had our own shifts and our own turfs. It worked, we usually made a pretty good income. And we were good at what we did, we haven't had an incident with the cops yet. Although risky, this was the best way for us to live. We had to pay for bills, food, clothes, supplies, school. More importantly, we had a good family here. Sure, we didn't have parents, but we had each other. Even before we bought a house with Frank, we were always together.
When I was about 6 years old my parents took in a pair of brothers, Gerard and Mikey Way. My mother couldn't have anymore children so my father and her happily welcomed them. We lived in the slums of New Jersey, people died there all the time. Gerard and Mikey lived down the street from us so when their parents were mugged and killed we helped them out immediately. In a place like this, you kind of had to have your neighbors' back. Ray came along when his single mother OD'd on heroine, they had also lived down the street. So as you can see, we all grew up together. Frankie was my cousin, but I called him my brother. He was almost always at our house too, seeing as his parents were so unstable. His mother always just left him with my mother when they didn't want to take care of him. I really did admire my mother for her strong will, Frankie and I were born around the same time so she had to take care of two infants at once. You couldn't leave a newborn baby with a woman that was on drugs 24/7. Of course she stopped when she was pregnant, but she quickly relapsed when she gave birth. My mother was the greatest woman I'd ever known. When she died I wasn't the only one that lost a mother, the guys did too.
My father followed her shortly after, he slowly lost his mind, started snorting coke. He was dealing with the grief of losing his wife and having to take care of a house full of children in his final days. We all remember that day, walking into the bathroom where he'd slit his own wrists. He was laying inside a tub filled with blood, limp and lifeless. I remember Ray cried that day more than anyone, they were the closest. Ray never even had a father figure till my dad, although he loved each of us unconditionally, we always knew Ray was his favorite. Whenever we all felt sad, Ray would take Dad's old guitar and play all the songs he used to play to us. It was special, sometimes Gerard would sing along too, in place of my Mother's voice. I loved Gerard's singing, It was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.
I loved all my 'brothers', but I loved Gerard in a different way. Up till middle school I always thought Gerard loved me in the same way too. We used to joke that we would marry each other when we were little and he used to always kiss me on the cheek. Me and Mikey joked in the same way but it was always more serious with Gerard. It drove Mikey crazy too! He would cry whenever me and Gerard would go off on our own. But like I said, this all ended in middle school. Gerard started dating girls and soon stopped hanging out with me so much. It hurt me a lot, even though Ray and Frankie were always still there to hang out. But again, even that became limited because they too got girlfriends by the time we all reached the 9th grade. Mikey was just starting middle school when we entered high school, so I didn't have many people to talk to. I had a friend named Anna, but we stopped talking after my parents died. I had shut everyone out except for the guys. Not because I grew depressed, but because we had to start dealing drugs at this time to get by. It wasn't so bad because the rest of the guys also dumped their girlfriends and we only stuck together. It was like this for the next three years.
So here we were now our Senior year, Mikey now a sophomore, and I could feel history repeating itself a little bit. Gerard got a girlfriend about 3 months ago. But I was grateful, grateful we all hadn't been taken to foster homes, grateful that we could get out of the slums and move into a nice neighborhood. Grateful that we found a way to get by, even if it wasn't the safest. So I couldn't find a way to be upset about it. At first we all didn't approve of Gerard dating again, considering we were all 'drug dealers'. But we wanted him to be happy, so we eventually supported him. Luckily it's not how it was in middle school and we all still hang out together when he's not with her. But eventually, it wasn't enough for me. I recently got into a relationship with a boy from my seminar, Scott Rogers. I thought Scott was cute but I didn't really like him. Obviously the only reason I hooked up with him was because I couldn't get over Gerard. I always had guys trying to ask me out but with four protective brothers they usually got nowhere near me. Good thing too because I never had to worry about chasing them off, they would do it for me. This time though, I was the one to pursue a relationship, so there wasn't much they could do.
Even though I've been dating Scott for a month, the rest of the guys still hated his guts. Especially Gerard, which was strange because I didn't hate his girlfriend. She was actually a royal bitch but I didn't hate her. She made Gerard happy so I tried to tolerate her. Ever since I started dating Scott, Gerard began making an extra effort to try to talk to me. It actually gave me a little bit of false hope, I hated it, so I started pushing him away in response. Ah, but now my rebound relationship was starting to backfire on me. Scott found out about my drug dealing about a week in of us dating. I told him to mind his own business, but then the begging started. He wanted me to sell to him. I didn't want to do that because I knew how drugs destroyed people. Frankie's parents, Ray's Mom, my Dad. Despite selling them, I refused to let anyone I know get involved with them. But eventually, I gave in and gave him marijuana so he would shut up. He was okay at first, going out to party every now and then. If anything, it only made our conversations less boring, he always had something to talk about. But then I noticed missing portions of cocaine in our supply. It's hard to miss because It's extremely expensive and we count it very carefully.
Last week he skipped school, I didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it till he showed up to my doorstep a nervous wreck. I had been home alone and he barged his way in demanding I give him 'more'. Of course I denied having any and asked him to reimburse me for what he stole. He tried to strangle me and I kicked him in the stomach. He didn't make anymore attempts and instead dropped to the floor in a fit of tears and screaming. I really wasn't sure what to do, I feared for myself but I also feared for him. Before anyone could come home I gave him something to help him calm down and lead him to my bedroom. He would shake violently at times, but still managed to walk on his own. I told him to lay down and ran to get some wet rags. I then stayed by his side, letting him grip my hand for about an hour. When the shaking slowed I knew he fell asleep, this would only last for another half hour. I remembered when my Dad would snort a little too much coke, he'd have episodes and would fall asleep only to wake up minutes later screaming. Back then me and Ray would stay by his side till it all passed. Gerard and Frankie would keep Mikey busy so he wouldn't know what was actually happening. He was just too young at the time. I knew I had to get Scott out of here before anyone got home though. If they found out he'd been doing drugs or even if he was the one that cut us short he'd be dead meat. I remember sighing, thinking this boy has proved to be more trouble for me than good. I was right, but I helped him up and lead him to my car anyways. I would have to stay with him at his house till he could be left alone. I left a note on the fridge "I'll be out for tonight."
Scott had his own place since he turned 18, his family had a lot of money, so he took that as a first chance to get out of the house. It explained why he was able to come home high everyday, I would've thought his parents were deadbeats like Frank's. Quite the opposite, he was the spoiled rich kid type. He was pretty much passed out the entire car ride, but when we got to his house he started having muscle spasms, or seizures. I really couldn't tell, so I just parked the car in his driveway and sat with him till I knew he could walk. When he got better he opened the door to his house, leaning on me for support. Keep in mind during all of this, neither of us had spoken a word. He sat me down at his dinner table, looking at the wall in frustration as he tried to sort his thoughts out.
Eventually he spoke, "Thank you Olivia." I replied with a simple 'don't mention it'.
"I'll reimburse you. I'm sorry." he added.
"Never do this again Scott. You could have died, I mean it." I told him. Eventually we got up and walked to the door, I was going to take my leave since he seemed to be doing better. We stood there for a bit, still silent. We don't go on dates so we haven't really found our own way of saying bye to each other. Normally couples will hug and kiss each other, but we just awkwardly stood there.
"I don't know what I would've done without you." He said, nearing closer. I took a step back, slightly alarmed.
"I can't even get a hug?" He questioned. I forced a smile and hesitantly walked into his open arms.
"Much better." he mumbled. He kept me squeezed against him for the next few minutes.
"When are we going to have our first kiss?" he laughed.
"Oh. Uh. I don't know." I panicked, I had no intention of kissing him even if we were in a relationship. How long did I think this was going to last? I should've known these things were expected of me when I agreed to go out with him. We're teenagers after all.
"It's been a month already.. You never even let me hug you. Don't you like me?" He asked. I could tell he was still high, his words were slurring together.
"I do, but-" He cut me off, "But what? Is there someone else?" his grip on me went tighter. I frantically shook my head and his eyes flared up in anger.
"Why aren't I good enough?! I try everything to make you happy, make you laugh, make you want me, but you act like you don't care! You never call me first! Why the fuck are we together, am I some kind of joke to you?!" He screamed, shaking me violently.
"Scott! Calm down!" I winced at my arms, he was gripping them so tight that I thought I could feel broken skin underneath his fingernails.
I couldn't squirm my way out either, his hold on me was too strong.
"Scott, please! You're hurting me!" I cried.
"I'm hurting you? You're hurting me! All I do is think about you but I bet I never even cross your mind!" He shocked me by crashing his lips onto mine. I strongly resisted, not keeping my head still like he wanted. I eventually found a way to bite down on his bottom lip, hard enough to draw blood.
"FUCK!" He shouted, his hands released me and darted straight up to his mouth. I swung the door open and took this as my chance to run.
Before he could respond I frantically jumped into the drivers seat of my car and took off. I could see him running after me from the rear-view mirror of the car until he grew tired and gave up. Eventually, his slumped figure in the middle of the street faded from my sight.
I drove slow, allowing my mind to calm down and my breathing to regulate. I was spaced out like this until I got back home. All the lights were off so I thought everyone was asleep, but when I got inside Frank and Gerard were sitting in the living room talking.
"Since when did we decide it was okay to stay out all night?!" Gerard yelled when he saw me.
"We were worried Olivia." Frank said as he smacked Gerard upside the head for being so loud.
"Where were you?" Gerard said ignoring him and furrowing his eyebrows.
"Scott's." I sighed, now removing my coat and shoes.
"What?" Frank growled this time.
I raised an eyebrow, "Why the attitude Frankie?"
"Were you having sex?" Frank gave me a serious look and Gerard's gaze averted to the corner of the room.
Oh, so now you want to be silent.
"That's none of your business." I crossed my arms, growing annoyed.
"Fucking hell Livy." Gerard cursed, storming out of the room.
I snorted, "The fuck is that about?"
Frank just shot me a look and ran after him.
This was not my day. I gritted my teeth and punched the wall.
"Fuck." My fist recoiled, throbbing in pain. I made a noticeable crack in the wall's wood, I'd have to fix it later.
I Ignored the pain coursing throughout my hand and ran up the stairs into my bedroom. I flipped through my phone for a bit before taking my clothes off and falling asleep.
So that was sort of how that day went. Following this Gerard and Frank eventually calmed down and we made up. Ray and Mikey weren't really mad even after they found out why we were arguing. Ray gave me one of his lectures but that was the end of it. The only other time we had a falling out was when they all noticed the marks on my arms from when Scott grabbed me and dug his fingernails into my skin. That was sort of hard to explain, I ended up telling them I had a client from work that was a nervous wreck and accidentally grabbed me. This caused a bit of problems for me, earning me an escort to my shift the next day. Nonetheless, Gerard continued with his persistently clingy behavior. Even more so than before. I remember getting a call from Scott and Gerard practically grabbed the phone out of my hand. Not that I was going to answer… It still bothered me.
It bothered me because when his girlfriend Erin came over she was the center of his universe. No one else mattered, not even me. And like always, I'd earn the look of death from her every time I pulled Gerard away while she was around. It wasn't just me she did it to, it was the rest of the guys too. That girl was pure evil, she could claw someones eyes out by merely looking at them. We were his family, yet she still felt so strongly about having him to herself. That's how I knew I didn't like her, my feelings for Gerard aside. If she was devious and greedy enough to hate his family, she had no place in his life. Gerard sure knew how to pick 'em..
On another note, that Monday was bound to be hell, but not for the usual reasons. On monday's, my first class was Spanish with Gerard, Ray, and you guessed it, Erin. It was a class I resented due to Erin's hateful behavior towards us. I don't know why Gerard never noticed it, she practically threw insults at me and Rey every chance she got. Her motive was always to get us to get up and walk away, so she could sit with Gerard by herself. Usually she just focused on me, but somedays she'd be a little bi polar. I remember this one time when Gerard got up to use the bathroom, Ray snapped at her and said "Look princess, I don't have to tolerate you just because you're dating Gee. Get over yourself, you're a waste of fucking air. It wont be long till he realizes that." She spit in his face and he stormed off pissed. I really gave him props for that, if she had spit in my face I would have beat her senseless. I know he couldn't really do that seeing as he was a guy, but just the willpower to walk away was admirable. Anyways, that Monday was the first day I just decided to sit by myself. This day was only an exception though, I wasn't letting her win. I was just so worried about other things that I didn't have the patience to deal with her.
So what was I worried about? Scott. This would be the first day I'd see him since the incident at his house. That is of course if he even bothered to come to school. I'd been ignoring his calls all weekend so I had no idea how this was going to go. I didn't know if he was angry or apologetic or just plain hysterical. There was actually a part of me hoping he hadn't cleaned up his act and skipped school some more. I just didn't want to deal with him yet. Unfortunately, when I stepped out of the classroom he was waiting for me, back pressed against a wall. I sighed wanting to just pretend like I didn't see him. But I knew I'd only be denying the inevitable, so I walked up to him and linked arms with him.
"Just talk and walk. Act normal please." I mumbled to him, smiling and waving bye to Gerard and Ray.
To my advantage he went along with it and began walking with me to my locker.
"I tried to contact you. I'm sorry, I really am." He said quietly.
"You really fucked up Scott." I replied silently.
"I know, I'm sorry. It will NEVER happen again. I swear to you." He said pulling me to face him and looking into my eyes sincerely.
"The cocaine had me messed up really bad. I didn't mean to hurt you or say any of the things I did. Hurting you is the last thing I'd ever want to do. I'm still a little out of it, but I promise I'm doing better. I haven't touched a single drug since then." He hesitantly caressed my face, attempting to be as loving and gentle as possible. I did forgive him, but I wanted out of whatever this was. I still didn't love him anymore than I did yesterday. But there was something else, a part of me that felt like if I broke up with him now he would relapse and totally fuck up his life. Maybe I could stay with him for a little longer? Just to make sure he got back on the right track? Part of me was still a little frightened though, not long ago did I have to run for my life. Who's to say that couldn't happen again? I chewed on my lip and thought for a minute, I didn't want to lead him on but I didn't want to abandon him. I just didn't have it in me. I responded with body language and pulled him into a strong hug.
"It's okay. Stay clean and I'll back you up all the way." I parted from him, forcing a smile. His eyes lit up immediately and he pulled me back into an even stronger hug, now kissing my forehead multiple times.
"I won't disappoint you Olivia." At this point the warning bell rang and he let me go, "I'll see you later hun, I still have to stop by my locker." He smiled and went on his way. I sighed in relief, I could delay my decision for a bit seeing as he didn't ask me if we were still on.
When lunch came around Gerard stayed close to me, I knew he could sense something was wrong. He always could. If my behavior in first period didn't tip him off then my scowl during lunch did. His worry for me caused Erin to get riled up. She suddenly got this stupid idea for us all to have an Arm wrestling contest. I snorted, she only wanted to beat me at something in front of Gerard. I was the only person she could go up against seeing as I was the only other girl at the table. I stepped up to the challenge not even thinking twice. I could see Gerard was giving me a strange look. A look that said he wanted me to do him a favor. I sighed, and pulled out my phone. This was always our way of secretly communicating, unoriginal yes, but very handy. We could manage a few words seeing as Mikey and Frank were attempting their first round.
what is it now? I texted him.
Please let her win ok? U kno she gets upset when she loses. We all kno u can beat her don't worry He replied.
I threw him a completely unamused glare.
what the fuck gee I typed.
please? for me? she already feels kinda inferior to u
I almost laughed out loud. Erin, feeling inferior to someone? He must be fucking brainwashed. That girl thought she was superior to god.
Ur an idiot.. I typed back.
I mean't it, he was an idiot for thinking she was some kind of sweetheart. He was an idiot for doing this to me. He was an idiot for disregarding my feelings. He was an idiot for making me feel this way.
I shoved my phone in my pocket, my signal to him that this conversation was done. He continued to throw me pleading looks on the side, pouting a little bit.
Pouting? Really? How could he care about her so much! What the fuck was so special about her! It was arm wrestling for gods sake.
I clenched my fists and jaw, attempting to calm my growing anger and frustration.
Mikey and Frank now finished, Frank ending up the victor. Erin piped up, "Okay now me and Olivia!"
She linked arms with me cheerily and I just glared at her. I could see that Ray rolled his eyes. I was so glad at least he saw how fake she was.
I positioned my arm on the table. I didn't know what I was going to do, I just looked straight ahead so I couldn't see any of the looks Gerard was trying to give me.
Gerard counted to three and she began pushing. For the first ten seconds, I held my arm in the exact same position. I fought back a grin as I watched her putting her all into trying to make my arm move. Her face flushed red and I thought I could see a vein popping out of her forehead. I didn't make any advances to win the match or move her arm, I just kept mine in place. She could tell I wasn't even trying and gritted her teeth in frustration. I almost laughed. I suddenly got an idea and started gripping her hand tightly. She whimpered a little as I squeezed tighter and tighter. I was going to make her forfeit on her own. She yelped as I finally heard a little crack come from her hand. I would have kept going if I hadn't felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Gerard's desperate eyes. He looked distressed, and saddened. My heart sunk and I looked back to Erin. She was trying to hold back the urge to cry and kept pushing on my hand.
She wasn't giving up? I sighed heavily and let my arm go limp. Why did I do the things I do?
My arm slammed against the table and she jumped up in a fit of giggles.
"YAAY heehee! Look baby! I beat Olivia!" she exclaimed. I felt a hand brush against my back and pat me. It was Ray, he was throwing me an understanding look. Ah I was so grateful for my brothers, I really did love them. I bit my lip as she jumped up and down, struggling to remain calm. Gerard mouthed a 'thank you' to me and ruffled my hair. I couldn't even force a smile. I was pissed at him and I didn't even know why. Gerard did his best to calm her down and change the subject. He now offered to go against Scott. I grinned a little bit, what did he think he could return the favor now? Be a loser with me? I snorted, throwing him a disapproving look. I could care less if he let Scott win. Scott doesn't even care if he wins. He's not a hard headed fuck like Gerard. From the looks of if, I even think Scott could win on his own. Gerard gave me a confused look and I twitched in annoyance.
"Get to it then." I said gesturing them to position their arms on the table. They complied, and once their hands were intwined I counted off. About 10 seconds passed when Gerard pulled his hand back saying ouch and rubbing his palm.
"Dude! You need to cut your nails. They're long as fuck!" Gerard laughed. Scott rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.
"Sorry, I kinda forgot." he laughed with him. They joked on it for about a minute until I suddenly noticed Gerard's voice halt mid-sentence, as if he was remembering something. He was silent for a few seconds, glancing at me then at Scott then back to me. Following this, his face went from pale to red with anger.
"What's wrong baby?" Erin asked him, rubbing his thigh underneath the table.
He ignored her and spoke up, "Olivia could I speak to you in private?" He got up from the table and gently pushed Erin's restricting hands away.
I was a little bewildered, what could he possibly have to say to me in private? Before I could respond he grabbed my wrist and yanked me to a vacant spot outside the lunchroom.
When we were far enough he turned me to face him.
"Gerard what ar-"
"It was him wasn't it." He cut me off.
"What?" I shook my head in confusion. I hadn't the slightest clue what he was talking about.
"Scott. Your arms, he fucking hurt you didn't he!" His eyes filled with anger.
What? Had he really made the connection between his nails and the cuts on my arms? I tried to think of something to say but I was stumped.
I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out.
"It was an accident!" I finally mustered.
He looked at me in disbelief, "You really expect me to believe that?"
"Yes! I do Gerard! Why in the world would Scott try to hurt me? And WHY would I lie to you about it if he did?" I looked into his eyes, searching for trust.
I technically wasn't lying, the drugs had made him do what he did.
Gerard chewed his lower lip, contemplating what to do.
"I don't trust him Livy." he finally said.
"No, you don't trust me." I responded, turning away from him. He tried to grab my shoulder but I shrugged his hand away. I wasn't mad. I was just pretending to be because I wanted the conversation to end. I was feeling sick to my stomach.
"Olivia! You know that's not what I meant! Come here!" He called to me in frustration.
I ignored him and kept walking. Yes, I knew he was just looking out for me. But I'd rather he didn't, It hurt me. Every time he looked at me with those caring eyes it hurt me worse than any pain I'd ever felt. I didn't care about any of this Scott crap, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
I stopped in my tracks after realizing I'd wandered off into the Junior hall. I scratched my head contemplating how I got here, I must have been totally out of it. I just intended to walk away far enough to get a little space but coming all the way over was a bit of a bother. We weren't allowed to walk around campus so I knew if a teacher saw me they'd try to write me up. I hated talking to teachers, they were all imbeciles. They thought they knew what was best for all of us in their 'proper' decadent little minds. Well, I probably made more money and had more responsibility on my shoulders than any of them. When it's like that, you don't want ANYONE to stand over you. So teachers and I don't mix well. I grumbled a bit, trying to remember a shortcut I could take back to the lunchroom. Suddenly, I heard someone clear their throat behind me.
"Ah shit.." I cursed under my breath before turning around. When I'd seen who was standing behind me I stepped back a little surprised.
"Erin? Shit. I thought you were someone else." I said sighing in relief. I attempted to gather my thoughts as I realized she was giving me another one of her dirty looks.
"What?" I spat.
"What were you and Gerard talking about?" She asked bluntly.
"You followed me all the way over here just to ask me that? Why not ask Gee himself?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Because I'm asking you." She growled.
"Watch it princess. I don't have to tell you shit." I snapped at her.
I was a little glad because I knew this mean't Gerard refused to tell her.
"Why do you have to be so fucking close to him all the time?" Her eye twitched.
"Excuse me? I live with him, he's my FAMILY. Who do you think you are? I've been around for 13 years, you've been around for 13 weeks!" I barked at her.
"I'm his girlfriend! I should come before anything! He only ever cares about you!" She cried. I stepped forward and covered her mouth, she automatically tried to kick me and push me away.
"Pipe down if you don't want to get suspended!" I hissed. She stopped struggling and I lowered my hand.
"Good." I said.
"God I fucking HATE you. If he's your brother why do you act like you're so in love with him? It's fucking gross. I see the way you look at him!"
"He's not my brother. Well..sort of. But, he's just family! And I only think of him as such! Don't get it twisted." I said now fidgeting. I guess I hadn't really thought about what Gerard was to me. On paper, we were all brother and sister. So how could I be in love with Gerard? In a way I always separated him from the rest of our family, like he was in a different category. But I'd still be quick to call him my brother? I cringed at the thought of have feelings for Ray or Frank or Mikey the way I did for Gerard. It just wasn't the same. And now thinking about it, what if it WAS the same for him. What if I was just his sister? What if he cringed at thoughts of loving me the way I loved him? My stomach twisted into knots. I turned away from Erin, who was still ranting, and walked away. She tried to chase after me but I kept walking faster to ward her off. At that point, the bell rang signaling that lunch was over and It was time to go to our next class. I ran to my locker, gathered my stuff, and exited the school. I didn't have any patience for anything else that day, I just had to get some relief. It was easy to sneak out of school so I often ended up skipping out on the rest of the day if I wasn't feeling it.
That night I got another lecture for it when everyone returned home. However, It didn't last long because I spent the whole evening selling our 'products' in the subway. I sold enough so that nobody had to work for the rest of the week, and we could afford a few other luxuries. They ended up thanking me immensely for it. One week that we didn't have to work was heaven for all of us, it gave us a chance to be kids for once. Unfortunately this mean't Scott and Erin came over, thanks to Mikey blabbing at lunch about us having the week off. This included awkwardly sitting in Scott's arms as we all watched a movie in the living room. When he was getting ready to leave he pecked me on the lips, much against my will. He was lucky he didn't try more than a peck, or I would have kicked him out right then and there. I still wasn't sure what to do about him. I felt he wasn't really stable yet, but I was tired of playing the role of his girlfriend. It seriously drained me, I didn't need it. The problem was despite all my resentment towards the situation, there was a small part of me deep down that cared for his well being. And that's why I couldn't kick him out of my life just yet. I had to make sure he was okay. Because if he were to carry on down the wrong path I would feel the guilt for the rest of my life. Sure, It'd be his own fault for messing with drugs, but it'd really be MY fault because I was the one he got them from first. I couldn't live with that.
Only… I felt that this burden that was Scott could be a burden too heavy to bear when I discovered another missing portion of cocaine Sunday afternoon. I almost snapped, really. Things had already taken a turn for the worse and I was angry about it. The only reason I brought Scott into my life was to help me get over Gerard, Scott had ended up bringing more bad than good. Come to think of it, had anything good come from him at all?
So here I was again, Monday morning. Only this time Monday started a little earlier than I wished because of my startling dream in which Scott shoots me right between the eyes. Why did I dream about this? I don't know. Something told me it was the missing cocaine, something told me it was the fact that he hadn't called all weekend like he usually does. Did I fear him losing control again? I could never understand the things my subconscious tried to tell me. There were always things I was feeling that I had no idea I was ever feeling. This was the way I discovered how I felt about Gerard. When I was about 9 I dreamt a scene from a disney movie only in my dream the prince was Gerard and I was the princess. Of course as I progressed through puberty these dreams became a little more.. risqué.
I tightly tied the laces on my combat boots, looking in the mirror one last time. I frowned at the dark circles under my eyes. Whenever I had a restless night my body never failed to remind me of it. It was times like this I wish I owned makeup. I never wore it, being in a house full of boys and having bills to pay it never seemed important. My long jet black hair was always pulled up into a ponytail or braid when I had to go sell. I didn't have the time or money for fancy irons and equipment, this was much easier. I also felt it made me look a little bit like Lara Croft.
"You wish." I laughed to myself. During times like this, it was good to have a sense of humor about certain stuff.
I finally made my way out the door, locking it behind me. Although our neighborhood was mostly safe and friendly, you could never be too careful. There were a lot of cautious habits we picked up on from living in the slums our whole lives.
Work went by smoothly and I managed to get in and out in time for school. Frank would be waiting up for me when I got back, we had a buddy system. One person would wait up for the person working that morning to make sure they got back safely with no problems, the rest would go to school. The reason we had two cars and that we didn't all go to school together was so we wouldn't be late all the time, it was more convenient for two people to be late than all five. There were times the person working couldn't make it back in time to pick each other up so two cars was necessary.
I stepped in the door and called for Frank, grabbing my school bag that was conveniently sitting on the table. I carefully placed my job purse inside it's safe and waited for the beep that signaled the door was locked. Frank stumbled out of the kitchen carrying two styrofoam cups and a brown bag.
"Coffee and bagels." He smiled.
"Ah, this is why I love you." I said grabbing his bag for him and opening the door.
"Work went swell?" He said as we situated ourselves into the car.
"Yep. Did you have to wait for very long?" I said buckling my seatbelt and starting the ignition.
"Not really, If anything I got to sleep for longer." He playfully stuck his tongue out.
A few minutes of silent passed till he startled me by sneezing.
"Woah there, you okay?" he asked.
"Y-Yeah." I replied. I didn't realize I was so on edge, it must have been from a lack of sleep.
"You sure?"
"Positive."
He thought for a moment, "Gerard told me about your nightmare.. you wanna talk about it?"
I cursed under my breath, why did he have such a loud mouth.
"No, It's fine Frankie. I mean it, it was probably just a night terror." I brushed it off.
"You don't have to be so strong all the time Livy, depend on us a little." He frowned.
"I do, I promise." I smiled reassuringly.
"Tell me what's really going on." He said unconvinced.
"Nothing-"
"Olivia." He insisted.
"Boyfriend drama. Very uninteresting." I groaned.
"Did he hurt you?" His eyes flared.
I stayed quiet for a moment, searching for my words. I always hesitated to speak about Scott because I hated lying to my brothers. I refused to lie to them, even if a lie would be better than the truth. Even so, I couldn't risk them finding out about the cocaine. They didn't even know that Scott knew about our lifestyle, they'd kill me.
"No." I said firmly.
"Olivia, I swear-" He began,
"No. He didn't touch me okay? I'm fine." I cut him off.
He tried to speak again but I piped in, "End of discussion."
He grumbled and turned on his iPod for the rest of the car ride, not wanting to have an argument so early in the morning. This was why I always rode with Frankie, we were alike in the manner. The others could pick at something for hours, especially Gerard.
When we got to the school I quickly searched for Scott, he was in some deep shit with me. If he didn't show up today I would march myself to his house guns blazing. I didn't have much time to look seeing as I barely made it on schedule. I eventually just went to my class and anticipated lunch time so I could continue my search. The hours went by slowly but eventually fourth period let out and I ran towards the lunchroom. The first thing I noticed was that the table we all sat at was empty. Huh, I must usually take a long time to come out if no ones gotten here yet.
Within a few minutes Mikey, Ray, Gerard and Frank made their way to the table with their lunch trays. We had some meaningless conversations and my eyes scanned the room every chance they got. Usually Scott came over late because he would go talk to his Jock friends so I wasn't assuming anything yet.
"No Erin today?" Mikey piped up, grabbing my attention.
I hadn't noticed, the usually always on-time Erin was nowhere to be seen. This was a revelation to me because she NEVER missed school and she NEVER strayed from Gerard's side. She was always stuck to him like super-glue. And I mean it when I say she never missed school, she had a perfect attendance record and she refused to ruin it, even for sickness.
Gerard frowned, "Yeah. It's so strange! She didn't even call me yesterday." I could see the worry that was plastered on his face.
"Gee honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. One of her fake breasts probably combusted and she's getting it fixed." Frank snickered, gathering a much held back laugh from the rest of us.
"It's not funny. You're being a dick Frank." Gerard's eyebrows furrowed. I tried to stifle my laugh and was caught by surprise when a pair of lips met my cheek.
"Hey love, sorry I couldn't return your calls, I was on a trip with my parents this weekend." Scott took a seat next to me and placed his things on the floor.
"Oh hear comes Mr. Rich Boy." Ray snorted and rolled his eyes. Scott ignored him and focused his attention on me. The others continued their conversation and I grabbed his hand and got up from the table.
"We need to talk." I said quietly but sternly.
"Yeah sure babe." He smiled walking with me to a quiet area.
"Where the fuck is it." I blurted.
"What?" He said looking puzzled.
"The cocaine!" I snapped.
"What? What cocaine? What are you talking about?" His eyebrows furrowed.
"Cut the crap Scott I know it was you. There's an entire gram missing!"
"What no. Olivia I didn't take anything, I swear! I told you I was done with that!" He looked into my eyes sincerely.
"Don't lie to me Scott." I growled. He shook his head in disbelief,
"I was with my parent's all weekend I swear! How could I possibly get high? Look, I can prove it!" He pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of him and his mother sitting in a boat. The picture was dated for two days ago. I contemplated it for a minute, what did this mean?
"I'm not lying to you Olivia, I swear I didn't take anything!" He pleaded. The crazy thing was, I believed him.
"So.. who took it then?" I said a strange fear beginning to well up inside of me.
"I don't know Livy, I really don't." He said sadly.
Notes
Hey so I wanted to apologize for not updating in FOREVER. I was super busy and I went on vacation for two weeks. This is chapter/part 1 out of 5! I know it's not technically a one-shot but it belongs here anyways. I want to finish writing the rest of the chapters so I won't update again for maybe another week, please be patient and please keep the requests coming! I haven't gotten any in a while !So anyways, this was requested by someone who changed their name to No longer active. So I'm not sure if they'll read it :( In case they do, thank you very much for your request! I hope this meets your expectations and your always welcome to request more.
Who stole the cocaine?! Leave your guesses in the comments!
Pls finish "the drug in me is you!!!"
11/30/14