Watch my back
Chapter Twelve
The hell is going on? “Mikey you’re home!” I heard a barely audible ‘fuck’ come from Frank who was in the living room. “Mikey,” I said turning my attention to the person sitting in the bed next to him, trying to keep my sanity in check. “What the fuck is that whore doing in our house…in your room, in your FUCKING BED!” Ray rolled his eyes and hugged Mikey from behind, pulling him back onto the bed. Mikey looked slightly scared at first but he seemed to kind of warm up to Ray as they lay down into a lying position, still obviously both feeling awkward.
Clothes were thrown haphazardly all over the room, and they were under the covers, backs bare and void of any form of restriction. I wouldn’t even want to guess what was under the sheets. “Listen bitch don’t tell me you came here for makeup sex a-fucking-gain ya hear!? I swear….”I began whil advancing to Ray, clenching my fists while preparing myself to rip him apart, bit by bit, starting with what stressed me the most, his hair. Words could not describe the anger seething through my body right now. Both of them were now sitting up.
“You fucker..” I raised my hand, ready to lash out but was cut short on my rampage by Mikey who jumped in the way and kissed Ray on the lips, slowly and passionately, surprising both of us. I stopped and stared. Mikey grabbed Ray around the neck and began to cry. “I’m sorry Gee but please don’t…please..” I just stared, mouth open, as Mikey held on to Ray as if for dear life. Watching them for one reason or another brought me half way to tears. I guess I was mostly upset because my little brother was growing up. He was standing up for what he wants and what he believes is right. Very soon he’d gonna becomea man and move out. He’s going to find someone he loves and he’s gonna leave me.
This realization hit me like a speeding truck, all in a split second. I rushed out of the room, ignoring pleas from both Mikey and Ray. I wasn’t too sure what I was feeling right now, I just needed to get away. I was one big ball of hate, fear, sorrow, love…Ijust….i just didn’t know what to think, feel or do. I walked out the room and was walking down the stairs that led to the living room when I spotted Frank who was sprawled out on the couch, flipping through channels on the television nonchalantly. Without thinking it through, I waltzed right up to him, grabbed his face and stuck my tongue into his mouth, tasting him for exactly five seconds before grabbing my car keys, a jacket and bolting out the door.
I guess he was still not talking to me, in a way but now he was probably just plain out right confused. And you know what? So was I. I started the car and sped away, still choking back the tears that were threating to escape. The engine roared as I cruised to nowhere in particular, just away from home. The Misfits Last Caress was blaring while I screamed along the lyrics rather than singing them. I probably looked like a mad man while driving down the road because I earned myself a few stares…well more than a few stares. I was trying desperately to drown out the pain in my heart. I was mentally weak, broken and shattered. I needed to sort this out…alone.
Eventually I pulled into an empty parking lot, turned off the music and turned off the engine. I was immediately engulfed in deafening silence and all too soon it was time for me to face myself, to confront my fears, to try and let go to everything that was frustrating me, to find some way to cope. I was fucking 19 and working at a store that pays me in comic books. I’ve had so many things happen to me that I could die right now and still say that I’ve lived a full life. But if I do die, then Mikey would….oh right he has Ray. What about Frankie…but…”Oh God I can‘t take this anymore!!!!” I screamed and banged my head against the steering wheel, allowing the horn to blast, disrupting the silence. I repeated this, again and again and again. I just sat there banging my head and screaming at the top of my lungs.
When I got exhausted, I leaned back into the seat and looked at my pathetic image in the rear-view mirror. I knew I felt something on my face. I watched silently as blood began to seep out of my fore-head and race down my face, over my eyes, mixing with sweat and tears, then past the sides of my mouth, dripping from my chin. I was such an emotional wreck. I began to cry again , this time pleading in my heart for a savior, someone, anyone to make me feel more alive. I just admitted it. I can’t do it alone. I need help, I want help.
I pulled the lever that allowed the back of the car seat to fall and curled into a ball in the chair, hugging myself and crying, images of me doing the exact same thing as a kid, filling my head. I cried and cried until I eventually fell into a deep, deep paradise. With everything I could ever hope or dream for. I slowly drifted deeper and deeper into this fantasy. I want to stay here forever…forever…
Clothes were thrown haphazardly all over the room, and they were under the covers, backs bare and void of any form of restriction. I wouldn’t even want to guess what was under the sheets. “Listen bitch don’t tell me you came here for makeup sex a-fucking-gain ya hear!? I swear….”I began whil advancing to Ray, clenching my fists while preparing myself to rip him apart, bit by bit, starting with what stressed me the most, his hair. Words could not describe the anger seething through my body right now. Both of them were now sitting up.
“You fucker..” I raised my hand, ready to lash out but was cut short on my rampage by Mikey who jumped in the way and kissed Ray on the lips, slowly and passionately, surprising both of us. I stopped and stared. Mikey grabbed Ray around the neck and began to cry. “I’m sorry Gee but please don’t…please..” I just stared, mouth open, as Mikey held on to Ray as if for dear life. Watching them for one reason or another brought me half way to tears. I guess I was mostly upset because my little brother was growing up. He was standing up for what he wants and what he believes is right. Very soon he’d gonna becomea man and move out. He’s going to find someone he loves and he’s gonna leave me.
This realization hit me like a speeding truck, all in a split second. I rushed out of the room, ignoring pleas from both Mikey and Ray. I wasn’t too sure what I was feeling right now, I just needed to get away. I was one big ball of hate, fear, sorrow, love…Ijust….i just didn’t know what to think, feel or do. I walked out the room and was walking down the stairs that led to the living room when I spotted Frank who was sprawled out on the couch, flipping through channels on the television nonchalantly. Without thinking it through, I waltzed right up to him, grabbed his face and stuck my tongue into his mouth, tasting him for exactly five seconds before grabbing my car keys, a jacket and bolting out the door.
I guess he was still not talking to me, in a way but now he was probably just plain out right confused. And you know what? So was I. I started the car and sped away, still choking back the tears that were threating to escape. The engine roared as I cruised to nowhere in particular, just away from home. The Misfits Last Caress was blaring while I screamed along the lyrics rather than singing them. I probably looked like a mad man while driving down the road because I earned myself a few stares…well more than a few stares. I was trying desperately to drown out the pain in my heart. I was mentally weak, broken and shattered. I needed to sort this out…alone.
Eventually I pulled into an empty parking lot, turned off the music and turned off the engine. I was immediately engulfed in deafening silence and all too soon it was time for me to face myself, to confront my fears, to try and let go to everything that was frustrating me, to find some way to cope. I was fucking 19 and working at a store that pays me in comic books. I’ve had so many things happen to me that I could die right now and still say that I’ve lived a full life. But if I do die, then Mikey would….oh right he has Ray. What about Frankie…but…”Oh God I can‘t take this anymore!!!!” I screamed and banged my head against the steering wheel, allowing the horn to blast, disrupting the silence. I repeated this, again and again and again. I just sat there banging my head and screaming at the top of my lungs.
When I got exhausted, I leaned back into the seat and looked at my pathetic image in the rear-view mirror. I knew I felt something on my face. I watched silently as blood began to seep out of my fore-head and race down my face, over my eyes, mixing with sweat and tears, then past the sides of my mouth, dripping from my chin. I was such an emotional wreck. I began to cry again , this time pleading in my heart for a savior, someone, anyone to make me feel more alive. I just admitted it. I can’t do it alone. I need help, I want help.
I pulled the lever that allowed the back of the car seat to fall and curled into a ball in the chair, hugging myself and crying, images of me doing the exact same thing as a kid, filling my head. I cried and cried until I eventually fell into a deep, deep paradise. With everything I could ever hope or dream for. I slowly drifted deeper and deeper into this fantasy. I want to stay here forever…forever…
OH MY GOD YOU DID THE ORGY I LOVE YOU
1/26/14