Hey Mom,

You don’t know how much I miss you. Well, maybe you do. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and I wanted to write this just to get all this shit out of my head. If I could send this to you, God, I would. But since I can’t I guess I’ll just leave your letter here in this little book to remind me of how much I love you and miss you and want to get better, for you. I was told writing letters could be healing so I decided to give it a try, start with someone I’ve been thinking about almost every day.

Please don’t be disappointed in me, Mom, I never meant to turn into Dad. I thought I wouldn’t but then, I don’t know what happened. I started using drugs in art school and then my life just snowballed. I guess you could say I became addicted to destruction just like Dad. I know you’d be disappointed in me because of that, that’s why I eventually got sober. But things are different now.

I met a guy in art school. He is such a creative mind, a good soul and we kind of went down the path of destruction together. We fed off our hurt and our depression but then he also helped me get better. While I was spiraling out of control he found it in himself to get clean and sober and then he and his brother helped me. His brother became my security blanket and he became my new addiction. I don’t really know why but we just fit together, Mom. I wish you could have gotten to know him. His name is Gerard. He’s a singer now and an artist. He used to draw me these little comics while I was in rehab. I still have them somewhere in a shoebox. His brother Mikey would teach me how to paint when he visited. Those brothers made me so happy. But then they did something and I got scared. And I shouldn’t have but I did.

Mikey said he loved me and I freaked out. I spiraled again and ended up close to dying. I don’t know what it is with me and near death experiences but I’ve had quite a few. Anyway, I ran away, got mixed up in some really shady stuff. I experienced my first really serious abusive relationship. Mom, you would be so ashamed and I regret it every day. But I was so scared. I know it isn’t a good excuse and I know I hide behind it but I don’t know how to love back. Bob said maybe I love too much and I don’t know how to show it but just the feeling is foreign to me.

But Gerard, Mom. He sees through all my bullshit. He knows me good and bad and he still wants to be with me. For a while I thought it was just a phase. I pushed him away and made him see other people but he still came back. That stupid fluttery feeling in my stomach is still there whenever he’s around. I guess that’s love but I’m not sure. I’m just addicted to him and it’s not healthy for either of us.

I moved to Chicago to get away from everything but now that I’m here I miss Nat and Frank and Ray and my Way brothers. I still keep in touch but I miss their companionship. But I’m so scared. I don’t want to be a coward. You weren’t. You never hid from Dad, you always confronted him, faced him and his problem like a real woman. And you loved him through that. How? Gerard is the same way. And I don’t understand. No one should love me. I’m a mess. My skeletons are piled high in my closet and yet he still wants to be with me. And Mom, I want to be with him too but then I know I’ll hurt him. I always do.

I wish you could help me. Just hug me and rock me and tell me everything will be ok in the morning. Like you used to do when I was little. But you can’t and I’m lost without you. I’ll try my hardest to work on my fears, become less of this coward. I don’t want to drown in misery like Dad did. I want to rise above. Just don’t give up on me, Mom. I know eventually I’ll overcome this.

I love you.

Dom

She ran her hand gently over the last page of her letter and sighed. “I’ll overcome this,” she whispered.

“Hey, you up?” Bob poked his head around the door and Dom jumped, quickly closing the journal with a snap.

“Yeah, I am,” she sniffed, wiping away the tears marring her cheeks. “You can come in if you want.”

Bob pushed the door open, letting the light from the hallway spill into the room. He held out her cell phone and crossed the room. He was wearing the new moccasin slippers she’d gotten him because his other slippers were dirty and gross from wear and tear. The corner of her mouth lifted and she took the phone from him, pressing her hand over the receiving end.

“Who is it?”

“Just answer it,” Bob winked and she held it to her ear.

“Hello?”

“DOM! Guess who?” a familiar voice greeted her and she had to fight a sob.

“Oh my gosh, hi Mikes!” She smiled.

“Why did Bob answer your phone? Is that where you are? Are you with Bob?” he asked quickly and Dom laughed.

“Don’t tell anyone, Mikey. I swear to God if you do...”

“I’ll try not to but you know how hard it is to keep a secret around here,” Mikey chuckled.

“Please try.”

“I will I promise. You know Gerard has been all weird since you left.”

“What? Why?”

She heard Mikey sigh and had to fight a laugh. “He’ll kill me if I tell you but he leaves tickets for you at every venue we play hoping to catch you in the audience. I think it’s killing him that he doesn’t exactly know where you are. Although I think Bob gave it away just now.”

“Shut up!” Dom laughed. “Well maybe I’ll come see you guys when you hit Chicago.”

“That’d be nice.”

“Yeah, I miss having friends. It’s just me and Bob here and it’s kind of lonely sometimes.”

She heard the phone rustle and Mikey muttered something away from the receiver.

“Mikey?”

“Sorry, Gee wants to say hi,” he replied and the phone rustled again.

“Oh, okay.”

She waited as the phone changed hands and Gerard’s breathing greeted her. She laughed and he told her to shut up.

“Hey Geebee how are you?” she asked and he giggled.

“Geebee? Really?”

“Shut up,” they both laughed and Gerard’s breathing filled the receiver again. “Are you smoking? It sounds like a fucking wind storm on your end.”

“Yeah I’m smoking,” he giggled again.

Dom pushed her hair from her face and lay down on her stomach. Bob fell into the armchair in the corner of her room and propped his feet up on the wall. Dom winked at him and he shook his head just glad she was finally genuinely smiling for once.

“You seem like you’re in a good mood.”

“Yeah, we had a really great show tonight. The crowd was amazing. I’m still riding the wave, I guess.”

“I miss you. Hopefully we’ll see each other soon.”

“Really?” his voice went up so high it almost cracked and Dom laughed. “if you’d fucking tell me where you are this would be a lot easier, Dominica.”

“Nope. You’ll find me when you find me,” she teased. “Just wait.”

“Will it be soon? Like, really soon?”

“I’m not telling,” she sang. “Just keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll pop up eventually.”

“That’s not fair.”

“You can whine all you want, Gee, I’m not telling until you find me.”

“Ugh, that’s bullshit. Well, talk to Mikey now I’m annoyed with you.”

With that the phone shuffled around again and Dom had to muffle her laughter. Bob rolled his eyes at her while she finished her conversation and hung up. She tossed the phone on her nightstand after hanging up and let out a long sigh.

“Do you feel better now?” Bob mumbled.

She smiled and nodded, “A little, yeah.”

“You wanna talk?”

Chewing the inside of her cheek Dom thought for a second. “About what?”

“Why you’re here exactly,” he grumbled and she frowned.

“What d’you mean? You know why I’m here.”

“This isn’t about the Luke bullshit, Dom. You seem perfectly fine with Gerard and the rest of the band. I don’t get why you’re really here. I know the drug this isn’t the only reason you left New York.”

Bob waited as she opened and closed her mouth to explain herself. The issue had been bothering him since she’d arrived and he was fed up with dancing around the subject. Yes, he loved her company and her friendship but he could tell there was something else going on and he needed to get to know.

Dom sat up on her bed and crossed her legs. When her eyes met Bob’s hard stare a shiver went up her back and she groaned.

“I don’t know how to explain….” She trailed. “I just needed to get away.”

“From what, though?” he pressed and her shoulders slumped and she buried her face in her hands.

‘From all my own bullshit, I guess. I needed and out from the drama of being me. I know the sounds pretty shitty but I don’t know how else to put it. Luke pushing himself on me and then Mikey and Gerard and not knowing what to do about anything, I just needed to leave.”

“There’s more to it than that too. I can see it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re scared of something. What.”

She shook her head, not looking up from her palms. “Nothing. I’m just scared of what’s gonna happen when I decide to go back.”

The corner of Bob’s mouth rose in a crooked smile and he shook his head. “Nope. Wrong answer.”

Her head popped up and her eyes narrowed. “What?”

“That’s not what you’re afraid of. Come on, Dom, I know about your family baggage, I saw you at your lowest. You’re not fucking scared of Luke or Gerard you’re fucking scared of yourself. I don’t know how many times we have to tell you before you fucking get it but you gotta stop running and just be you. You’re a great artist, you’ve got a great voice and you’re fucking hot. You’ve got a guy who’s fucking head over heels for you and a group of friends who are still clinging to friendship with you. You really don’t have it that bad. I don’t know why you won’t accept the fact that people really do love you and embrace it. You’ve got so much more than half the people in this world. Accept it.”

The room fell silent and Bob stood up. Dom watched him with wide eyes and he crossed the room, resting a hand on her shoulder. She stared at him as he leaned forward, pressing his lips to her forehead before leaving her alone in the room. She let the breath from her longs slowly after the door closed behind him and fell back into her pillows. Bob was right. Everyone was right. She had to get over herself and it was about time she did it.

Jumping from her bed she grabbed her laptop from her desk and plopped into the chair Bob had vacated. If she was going to start healing herself and her relationships it had to start with the person who cared about her most, Gerard Way.