Joseph feeds us lunch, and we all eat in calm silence. Finally Gerard breaks it to Joseph that Ray's gone, and we're going to have to leave as soon as possible. Joseph nods sadly. We get our shit together, and Gerard shows me the little Vietnamese girl's bouquet of sticks.
Just as I suspected, it's a tiny bundle of dry sticks tightly held together in now yellow long blades of grass.
I think of this bundle of twigs, and think of all the places it's seen. I think about all the death, and laughter, and restless nights, and joy it's seen. I think of all the death, laughter, restless nights, and joy Gerard's seen.
"Hey! What about that thing Joseph showed you last night? Show me!" I almost forgot as we walk out to the car. Gerard chuckles.
"Fine." he says.
We go to the barn, and Gerard leads me to a box of old pictures. Not what I was expecting. He picks through it until he finds a black and white picture of him and a really pretty girl sitting on the porch swing on Joseph's porch.
Gerard looks like a total nerd, but she's gorgeous. Her wavy dark hair falls to her low back. Her light eyes, her olive skin, her shapely lips all come together perfectly. They're holding hands and she's laughing. The sun is shining. It's perfect. It's happiness.
"So this is the first time you were here, for the family reunion, that's Josie?" I ask slowly. He nods.
I turn and punch him.
"What the fuck dude! Why would you ever get rid of her?" At first he's startled by my sudden outburst, but then laughs.
"I told you I'm gay." he says.
"You're fucking crazy. How could you be gay with that around? How did you even get her? You're a fucking nerd."
"I'm sure the ladies were just lining up at you're doorstep, Frankie."

We say our goodbyes, Gerard and Joseph's particularly sad.
"Dude, alright. I'm so fucking sorry." Gerard says as I wait in the car.
"What? Why? Don't be sorry." Joseph says.
"No, Ray's gonna tell the pigs we were here. They'll raid the place. God, I'm sorry. You don't deserve this."
"Gerard, I'm an old carcass. Don't worry about me. Really. I'm proud to have had you guys, and I'm happy to see you. Now get going. Don't worry one bit about me." Gerard nods, they hug, and smile at each other weakly. Gerard climbs in next to me, and Joseph bends down to look at me.
"Take care of him, Frank!" We all laugh sadly.
Gerard drives down the long drive way, and soon we're driving down the highway in silence.
We get another car in another city, an activity that's become almost routine. Neither of us talk.


"Frankie, we're in Georgia now. Ya wanna get a motel?" Gerard asks me softly as he wakes me up at dusk. I look around a bit.
"Nah. Just keep driving." I say before slouching into the seat again.

The car stops and I wake up. We're at a gas station diner. It's dark. I see Gerard get out, and go in. He comes out with a long brown paper bag. He sits, rolls down all the windows, and opens up the bottle. The distinctive smell of booze floods my nose. He takes a sip and lights up a cigarette. He takes another sip. I hold my hand out for the bottle. It tastes like shit, but I choke it down. I'm not really in the mood for thinking right now.
We pass the bottle back and forth, we watch people coming in and out of the diner. People taking and laughing. People having a good time. And in this moment I feel like I'll never understand how anyone could ever be happy.
Soon our eyes are clouded with drunkenness. We see a couple walk past us holding hands, happy, hurrying to their car so they can be alone with each other in their warm home.
"What is love, Frankie? Do you know?" Gerard asks me as they drive away. I feel pretty confident when I answer,
"Love is when you never stop thinking about someone. Love is when you can never get someone off your mind, and all you want to do is be with that person forever." Gerard shakes his head.
"Nope, wrong. That's only a symptom of love. Love is when you'll literally give anything for this person. You'll do anything, you'll sink as low as you can possibly go, and feel great doing it. It's doesn't actually have to be romantic, that's just the most common." I nod.
"I loved Josie." he says turning his head to me. "I did. I knew I was gay, but I loved her. I knew I couldn't be with her. I couldn't want her. I loved her, she was the most beautiful human being to ever cross my path, but I couldn't want her. I hated myself for it. I used Vietnam as an excuse to leave her. I told her I didn't want her to see me die." he slurs. I nod, and he takes another long drag. We sit in silence for a long time, watching the people.
"Good thing I got my Frankie to love now, huh?" Gerard says as he turns and gives me a sloppy grin. I grin back. He passes me the bottle.
"Yeah, good thing." I say before I take another swig. It goes down much easier now.
"Did you know Josie was named after Joseph?" I shake my head. "Really, everyone was so proud of him. He was a war hero," he puts air quotations over the words war hero, "They all loved him, then he went all crazy, and they don't even talk to him anymore." Gerard says sourly.
"It's funny how things change, isn't it?" I say. "There's nothing you can do, is there? You might as well get used to it early on. I hate it, but you can't even do that can you? You can't hate life. You just can't. I love life. I love the sadness, and I love the happiness, and I love the misery and the joy and the highs and lows and the change. I love it all. But can you love it either? Life is a dangerous thing to love." I slur. "You know what, never mind. I'm not even making sense."
"No, dude. That was brilliant. You're brilliant. Life is a dangerous thing to love. That should be a song title or something. Fuck, I love you, man."
We sit and pass the bottle some more.
"I've never loved anyone before, Gerard. Not real love. I don't even think I loved my parents........God damn, I'm so fucked up."
"Nah, don't worry about it dude." Gerard shoos my problems away. " I can promise you I'm five times as fucked as you." I think for a long time.
"You know, I think I love you, Gerard." I say with the liquor dripping from my voice. Though I'm so drunk I can't see straight, I mean every word. Gerard chuckles.
"Yeah?" he asks skeptically.
"Yeah." I say firmly. "We have to love each other. I know we've only known each other for.... I don't even know how long. But we have to love each other. We're the only one each other's got. We're the only one each other will ever have. We're the only one each other has that will truly understand." Gerard looks over to me. He looks happy. I think. I don't really know right now.
"Yeah?" he asks again.
"Yeah." I nod.
"I love you too, Frankie." he says. I smile.


We sit in the car and pass that damned bottle back and forth, Gerard smoking his cigarettes. The white moon and the stars shine down on us as we contently soak up each other's misery.

Notes

Sorry for the wait. I hope you guys love this chapter as much as I do! (and if you don't, give me some feedback! Tell me what I'm doing wrong!)
Thank you for reading :)