Kill me or make me feel alive
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
I am somewhere else. I mean, this can’t be Earth, I’m one hundred percent sure. The colors are so blindingly bright, I screw up my eyes, then open them fully, close them, open them, and close them again. I try adjusting to the light but I really can’t. Everything around me feels unreal, like I’m floating, but at the same time, my feet are on the ground. Like even the dust, if there is any at all, is colorful, bright and magical. The world is simply glowing, like I’m watching it through a light purple veil or a colored piece of glass. And it makes me smile foolishly; it’s so surreal and beautiful.
I don’t think I can concentrate on something specific in this different world that surrounds me, but I definitely can feel something being near me the whole time. Just as I start thinking about it, everything becomes even brighter, lighter, impossible for my eyes. Then I can finally focus somehow. And this is so odd, this can’t be her. She’s not… And I’m not either.
“ Hello, sweetie”, she says affectionately with her nice, calm voice, that had lulled me to sleep when I was little so many times with great stories about monsters and heroes, about evil and good, about things that every adult tends not to believe in. I still believe.
“Grandma? Grandma, is that really you?! How is it possible?”, I stare at her without taking my eyes off, afraid she’s going to disappear if I blink or something.
“Well, of course it’s me, sweetheart. I never said goodbye”, she says, smiling her big, warm smile. But no, she can’t leave, I can’t let her…
“ No! No, don’t say goodbye! Don’t leave me alone, grandma! Please”, I beg her with great sadness in my voice, the tears filling my eyes but never falling.
“ I have to, Gee. You know I have to go now. But don’t you worry, my child, you will never be alone”, she continues smiling at me “Mikey will always be there for you, I’m sure about that…besides, I know you’ve made a new…friend. He won’t leave you alone in the dark, I assure you.”
“B-but how…I mean, he’s a vampire, aren’t I supposed to be scared of him?”
“I’m aware of that, honey, but he’s good, don’t be fooled by what’s on the outside. He’s better human than most of them. Give him a chance and don’t be afraid, you don’t have to be afraid of anything. I will always be with you, too, even if you won’t be able to see me. I will always be…here-” , she lightly puts her hand, which looks more like a ray of light and feels more like wind, over the left side of my chest “-and you only have to search me with your heart if you need me. You will always find me, sweetheart”.
Then I feel her slowly fading away, blending with the strange world I’ve found myself into. I scream for her to come back, to stay with me, not to leave me, but it is really just desperate whispering, the words just get stuck in my fucking throat and I lose all my strength, and the tears start falling unconsciously and freely off my eyes, and I stand on the ground, or fly in the sky, or fall underground, I can’t tell and I don’t care. I just want to follow her, wherever she’s going…
---
I open my eyes as soon as I wake up and I open them so fast that everything around me is in a blur. I blink a few times before I can see properly again and I finally breathe the air I didn’t realize I needed. It was a dream? Just a dream? But it was just like reality, just a little more twisted, and a lot more fascinating.
Then I take in my surroundings, being fully aware of where I’ve fallen asleep. I may have a lot on my mind, but this just isn’t something I can easily put at the back of my head. I remember clearly going to Frank and clinging to him like some leech, making his shirt wet with tears of hurt and sadness. I probably annoyed him to dead…well, not exactly to dead, oh well…
But what about grandma? And the dream? Was it really her, or was it just a fiction of my pained mind? Could I make this whole dream up in my desperation, or was it real? Did my beloved grandma visit me in my sleep and did she really say all these things? Is she now living in that beautiful parallel universe I saw, or is it just a place I like to think that exists?
There are all these questions in my head that make me fully awake, but there are no answers. Ah, it is so unfair. But again, what in life is ever fair?
Frank is sitting on the armchair near the window, which I can’t really see anymore, since the curtains are securely pulled in front of it. I guess it’s already morning. The vampire, who I went to last night, is now sleeping, or at least his eyes are closed. Since I can’t see them, he looks so much younger, almost like he’s around my age. But I know better, he’s a vampire. The eyes always tell a story if you know how to read it. They can answer your questions even better than the person.
His eyes look much older than his body, it’s what gives him away.
There’s an empty pack of cigarettes lying on the little table next to the armchair and an ashtray, overflowing with cigarette stubs. Now that I think about it, the room also smells like nicotine but I really don’t mind. It’s calming in some strange way.
I turn my attention to Frank again. His too pale skin, radiating coldness, his long fingers with long sharp nails, his perfectly shaped eyebrows that stand high over his eyes, the silky dark hair that falls in his eyes, his beautiful, tender-looking lips…
I start wondering if he stayed all night there and if I was the reason but before I start feeling guilty, his eyes fly open and he looks straight into my eyes. God, they’re hypnotizing. However, it doesn’t last very long, since he’s immediately at my side. I jump a little, not expecting it.
“How are you?”
What do I answer? I’m fine? But I am really not fine. The best person in my life is gone and I just had a dream about her saying goodbye. I really, really feel like shit.
“I’m fine”, I lie quietly. I have no idea why, though.
“You’re not”, he stares at me.
“Well, why are you so sure?”, I ask a little too harsh. I didn’t plan on being rude, but I can’t control it right now.
“I can feel you, remember?”, he says and I just don’t know what to answer to that.
“O-oh…right”, I answer after some time “I’m sorry”
“What are you sorry for?”, he asks me and I almost see pity in these beautiful hazel eyes of his.
“For d-disturbing you a-and stuff...”, I say lamely.
“Don’t worry about that, Gerard”, he smiles a little, putting a cold hand on my arm. I shiver under his touch and he just continues staring at me “Now, are you going to tell me what happened to you last night?”, he asks me and I can’t hold it in me anymore. I spill my heart out to him.
“A-and she just disappeared after t-that”, I finish, feeling my eyes stinging a little.
I, of course, made sure I didn’t tell him about the part with my grandma telling me to trust Frank. Because really, that would be kinda embarrassing for me. Plus, I don’t know. I mean, I already trust him, I’m aware of that, but I don’t know if I should. He’s still a vampire, and he’s also still a stranger. But I know one thing- I really want to trust him and I really want him to prove to me that me trusting him is the right decision.
“Oh, Gerard! I’m sorry for your loss”, he says after I finish, stroking my arm soothingly. His touch makes me feel more relaxed and I almost forget about my problems, which is all I need right now. Almost. Almost, because the next moment, his hand is in his lap again and even though he’s cold, I feel even colder when his hand is not on me. But I guess that’s a different type of ‘cold’.
“Y-yeah, I… can I…I mean,um, I just, er-. Can I stay here, I mean, if you don’t want me to, I, uh, it-it’s fine, I-“
“-No, of course you can. In fact, it is still too early, perhaps around five or six in the morning. You need to rest.”, he interrupts me, which I’m thankful for. I don’t even know where I was getting to with all the rambling. He smiles at me and stands up. Then he goes to the door gracefully, ready to leave the room. But I don’t want him to leave, I need him. I need him here.
“H-hey! I, um, c-can you stay?”, I ask, kinda ashamed to ask such thing. I’m pretty sure I am blushing right now.
“Well, of course. If you want me to…”, he answers and comes back into the room.
“I want you to”, I say quickly, this time more confidently.
After that, he takes his place on the armchair once again and I watch him stupidly, because I did not mean that. I want him here, with me.
“I didn’t mean- I… I meant…”, I say, opening the blankets as an invitation to climb on the bed next to me.
“Oh”, he quietly says but crawls next to me, being quite awkward for a vampire. I get the closest to him possible and gingerly wrap one of my arms around his waist, pulling him even closer. He’s looking at me and in that moment, I swear he’s scared. From what, I have no idea, but it’s there. Like either he will hurt me, or I will hurt him. Well, the latter is most likely never going to happen, but still. God, it’s kind of adorable, the way he looks at me with those big eyes of his, afraid to do anything.
“What are you afraid of?”, I ask him, feeling like we’ve switched roles.
“N-nothing” Wait. Did he just stutter? This is the first time I hear him stutter.
“Then hug me”, I whisper, almost as if someone else can hear us.
He doesn’t take his gaze off me, his eyes twice their size. He slowly trails his cold hands around me, as if he’s afraid he’d break me if he isn’t careful. He relaxes after some time and starts stroking my hair, putting some of it behind my ears. It’s nice and calming and my eyes grow heavy. I snuggle into him more, putting my head on his shoulder, feeling secure and safe. Before I fall asleep, I mumble into his neck,
“Will you stay with me?” and I’m sure he’ll see the hidden meaning behind these words.
“As long as you want me to stay”, he says in my hair and I finally drift off to sleep.
I don’t think I can concentrate on something specific in this different world that surrounds me, but I definitely can feel something being near me the whole time. Just as I start thinking about it, everything becomes even brighter, lighter, impossible for my eyes. Then I can finally focus somehow. And this is so odd, this can’t be her. She’s not… And I’m not either.
“ Hello, sweetie”, she says affectionately with her nice, calm voice, that had lulled me to sleep when I was little so many times with great stories about monsters and heroes, about evil and good, about things that every adult tends not to believe in. I still believe.
“Grandma? Grandma, is that really you?! How is it possible?”, I stare at her without taking my eyes off, afraid she’s going to disappear if I blink or something.
“Well, of course it’s me, sweetheart. I never said goodbye”, she says, smiling her big, warm smile. But no, she can’t leave, I can’t let her…
“ No! No, don’t say goodbye! Don’t leave me alone, grandma! Please”, I beg her with great sadness in my voice, the tears filling my eyes but never falling.
“ I have to, Gee. You know I have to go now. But don’t you worry, my child, you will never be alone”, she continues smiling at me “Mikey will always be there for you, I’m sure about that…besides, I know you’ve made a new…friend. He won’t leave you alone in the dark, I assure you.”
“B-but how…I mean, he’s a vampire, aren’t I supposed to be scared of him?”
“I’m aware of that, honey, but he’s good, don’t be fooled by what’s on the outside. He’s better human than most of them. Give him a chance and don’t be afraid, you don’t have to be afraid of anything. I will always be with you, too, even if you won’t be able to see me. I will always be…here-” , she lightly puts her hand, which looks more like a ray of light and feels more like wind, over the left side of my chest “-and you only have to search me with your heart if you need me. You will always find me, sweetheart”.
Then I feel her slowly fading away, blending with the strange world I’ve found myself into. I scream for her to come back, to stay with me, not to leave me, but it is really just desperate whispering, the words just get stuck in my fucking throat and I lose all my strength, and the tears start falling unconsciously and freely off my eyes, and I stand on the ground, or fly in the sky, or fall underground, I can’t tell and I don’t care. I just want to follow her, wherever she’s going…
---
I open my eyes as soon as I wake up and I open them so fast that everything around me is in a blur. I blink a few times before I can see properly again and I finally breathe the air I didn’t realize I needed. It was a dream? Just a dream? But it was just like reality, just a little more twisted, and a lot more fascinating.
Then I take in my surroundings, being fully aware of where I’ve fallen asleep. I may have a lot on my mind, but this just isn’t something I can easily put at the back of my head. I remember clearly going to Frank and clinging to him like some leech, making his shirt wet with tears of hurt and sadness. I probably annoyed him to dead…well, not exactly to dead, oh well…
But what about grandma? And the dream? Was it really her, or was it just a fiction of my pained mind? Could I make this whole dream up in my desperation, or was it real? Did my beloved grandma visit me in my sleep and did she really say all these things? Is she now living in that beautiful parallel universe I saw, or is it just a place I like to think that exists?
There are all these questions in my head that make me fully awake, but there are no answers. Ah, it is so unfair. But again, what in life is ever fair?
Frank is sitting on the armchair near the window, which I can’t really see anymore, since the curtains are securely pulled in front of it. I guess it’s already morning. The vampire, who I went to last night, is now sleeping, or at least his eyes are closed. Since I can’t see them, he looks so much younger, almost like he’s around my age. But I know better, he’s a vampire. The eyes always tell a story if you know how to read it. They can answer your questions even better than the person.
His eyes look much older than his body, it’s what gives him away.
There’s an empty pack of cigarettes lying on the little table next to the armchair and an ashtray, overflowing with cigarette stubs. Now that I think about it, the room also smells like nicotine but I really don’t mind. It’s calming in some strange way.
I turn my attention to Frank again. His too pale skin, radiating coldness, his long fingers with long sharp nails, his perfectly shaped eyebrows that stand high over his eyes, the silky dark hair that falls in his eyes, his beautiful, tender-looking lips…
I start wondering if he stayed all night there and if I was the reason but before I start feeling guilty, his eyes fly open and he looks straight into my eyes. God, they’re hypnotizing. However, it doesn’t last very long, since he’s immediately at my side. I jump a little, not expecting it.
“How are you?”
What do I answer? I’m fine? But I am really not fine. The best person in my life is gone and I just had a dream about her saying goodbye. I really, really feel like shit.
“I’m fine”, I lie quietly. I have no idea why, though.
“You’re not”, he stares at me.
“Well, why are you so sure?”, I ask a little too harsh. I didn’t plan on being rude, but I can’t control it right now.
“I can feel you, remember?”, he says and I just don’t know what to answer to that.
“O-oh…right”, I answer after some time “I’m sorry”
“What are you sorry for?”, he asks me and I almost see pity in these beautiful hazel eyes of his.
“For d-disturbing you a-and stuff...”, I say lamely.
“Don’t worry about that, Gerard”, he smiles a little, putting a cold hand on my arm. I shiver under his touch and he just continues staring at me “Now, are you going to tell me what happened to you last night?”, he asks me and I can’t hold it in me anymore. I spill my heart out to him.
“A-and she just disappeared after t-that”, I finish, feeling my eyes stinging a little.
I, of course, made sure I didn’t tell him about the part with my grandma telling me to trust Frank. Because really, that would be kinda embarrassing for me. Plus, I don’t know. I mean, I already trust him, I’m aware of that, but I don’t know if I should. He’s still a vampire, and he’s also still a stranger. But I know one thing- I really want to trust him and I really want him to prove to me that me trusting him is the right decision.
“Oh, Gerard! I’m sorry for your loss”, he says after I finish, stroking my arm soothingly. His touch makes me feel more relaxed and I almost forget about my problems, which is all I need right now. Almost. Almost, because the next moment, his hand is in his lap again and even though he’s cold, I feel even colder when his hand is not on me. But I guess that’s a different type of ‘cold’.
“Y-yeah, I… can I…I mean,um, I just, er-. Can I stay here, I mean, if you don’t want me to, I, uh, it-it’s fine, I-“
“-No, of course you can. In fact, it is still too early, perhaps around five or six in the morning. You need to rest.”, he interrupts me, which I’m thankful for. I don’t even know where I was getting to with all the rambling. He smiles at me and stands up. Then he goes to the door gracefully, ready to leave the room. But I don’t want him to leave, I need him. I need him here.
“H-hey! I, um, c-can you stay?”, I ask, kinda ashamed to ask such thing. I’m pretty sure I am blushing right now.
“Well, of course. If you want me to…”, he answers and comes back into the room.
“I want you to”, I say quickly, this time more confidently.
After that, he takes his place on the armchair once again and I watch him stupidly, because I did not mean that. I want him here, with me.
“I didn’t mean- I… I meant…”, I say, opening the blankets as an invitation to climb on the bed next to me.
“Oh”, he quietly says but crawls next to me, being quite awkward for a vampire. I get the closest to him possible and gingerly wrap one of my arms around his waist, pulling him even closer. He’s looking at me and in that moment, I swear he’s scared. From what, I have no idea, but it’s there. Like either he will hurt me, or I will hurt him. Well, the latter is most likely never going to happen, but still. God, it’s kind of adorable, the way he looks at me with those big eyes of his, afraid to do anything.
“What are you afraid of?”, I ask him, feeling like we’ve switched roles.
“N-nothing” Wait. Did he just stutter? This is the first time I hear him stutter.
“Then hug me”, I whisper, almost as if someone else can hear us.
He doesn’t take his gaze off me, his eyes twice their size. He slowly trails his cold hands around me, as if he’s afraid he’d break me if he isn’t careful. He relaxes after some time and starts stroking my hair, putting some of it behind my ears. It’s nice and calming and my eyes grow heavy. I snuggle into him more, putting my head on his shoulder, feeling secure and safe. Before I fall asleep, I mumble into his neck,
“Will you stay with me?” and I’m sure he’ll see the hidden meaning behind these words.
“As long as you want me to stay”, he says in my hair and I finally drift off to sleep.
Notes
OKAY SO I KNOW YOU HATE ME FOR DISAPPEARING! It’s partly my fault, since I was too lazy to update, but I was also on a trip...? (journey…? Idk , these sound lame) that I didn’t even want to go to. Aaaand I couldn’t write there. When I came back, I had a lack of inspiration and it kinda reflects on this chapter. I honestly hate it. D: I hope I’ll do better with the next one…Anyways, vote, subscribe, comment, please! It would make me beyond happy! c:
zombie--
I just started reading this today and I just wanted to say that it's amazing. :)
9/7/14