Kill me or make me feel alive
Drenched in my pain again (2/2)
Frank’s POV
My memories from the beautiful deep pink and orange sunsets before storm are not completely forgotten, for I’m privileged to live (well, not really live) in an era of electronics that can imitate real life so well. Sunsets are even more fascinating in the movies and the colors are brighter. I would love to be able to watch the sundown before storm from the cliff, though. Probably with Gerard. God, do I miss him these days!
I told myself I will wait for him to come to me. A vampire can never make himself look desperate when feelings are involved so I am willing to wait as long as it takes, even though it may be a little harder than it usually is for us. Perhaps I will repeat myself, but he’s so much more than anything I’ve been close to. But I can feel it. He’s going to need me soon.
I snap out of my thoughts as a thunder hurts my over-sensitive ears and I drop the cigarette I’ve been holding. It has burned long ago in my hand, for I have forgotten I had it there in the first place. The stub rolls on my Persian carpet and I curse under my breath, taking the cigarette and throwing it in the ashtray that is already overflowing with cigarette stubs.
As I pick another cigarette with my teeth from the pack and light it up, my whole body tenses, feeling so much sadness, it is almost unbearably much, it almost gets me paralyzed. It is much more than usual and it is familiar, I know he is coming. I don’t have time to start worrying for him, though, for he’s already pounding at my door like crazy.
I leave my cigarette and go to answer it with the speed of light, literally, but I haven’t thought I would see him in this state. The boy in front of me, dressed in an amusingly bright shade of yellow type of clothing that is supposed to keep him dry when it is raining, is actually soaked in rain to the bone. He’s panting which leads me to the conclusion he’s been running. His black bangs that usually go in every direction, are now wet and glued to his ghostly pale face. There’s a little eyeliner smudged under his eyes, that by the way look strangely green today and his face looks drenched in rain, but I know better than that. He’s shaking and I can’t say if it because of the storm or it is simply thanks to the fact he’s crying quietly. Probably both. I stare at him for a few seconds that feel more like centuries lost in the sight of him, but then I quickly recover and finally speak.
“What happened to you, Gerard?”, I ask him in a voice, full of pure sympathy.
He then breaks down completely, falling into my hands and crying his eyes out. I slip my cold hands under his raincoat and wrap them securely around his waist, pulling him as close as possible and holding him tight while his fists grip my shirt and he shakes uncontrollably, crying into my neck. One of my arms goes to his hair and I run my fingers through the wet strands, pushing them away from his face. I let him sob into my shoulder for a good few minutes, trailing soothing circles on the small of his back, trying to calm him down. I feel so bad for him, what could possibly happen to make him feel like that. I don’t want him to be this sad.
Finally, his crying ceases a little and he’s able to speak.
“C-can we g-go inside?”, he whispers, still clutching the back of my shirt in his arms, like he needs me to live, his breathing still uneven.
“Sure”, I answer quietly and we go inside. We both sit on the coach and he just asks if he can explain later, to which I answer with a ‘sure’ once again. Then he starts sobbing again, and I can’t just sit there and do nothing for him, so I embrace him tightly again. As I sit there, holding him in my arms, I just wish I could rip out the sorrow he feels so he can be happy. Damn, I want him to be happy, cheerful, careless… I’ve never seen him like this, he’s never any less than sad. But today it’s so much worse, he’s so fucking hurt and I feel like I don’t even help him right now. It’s either his sadness or it’s my regret I can’t help him, that I feel. But it’s overwhelming and I swear my eyes start stinging a little, watering more than normal. Well, it may be just his hair that’s fallen in my eye, yes, it is most likely that, so I furiously blink back the wetness.
After some time, his desperate weeping stops and his breathing comes back to normal and after some more time, he’s asleep on my shoulder. I refuse to let him sleep on the coach, so I wrap my arms around him and take him to my bed, careful not to wake him up. He quickly gets comfortable in his sleep, clutching my pillow in his fists and burying his head in it. He pulls his legs upwards, sleeping in the fetal position. I pull a blanket over him to keep him warm. The corners of my mouth pull up as I watch him, finally peaceful, at least in his sleep. I sit on the armchair near the bed after I grab my pack of cigarettes and I light one. I turn to the window and open it slightly, just enough so the smoke can leave the room. I don’t want to suffocate him in his sleep, after all.
When my pack is finally empty, I close the window and turn around in the armchair. I watch him through the night, for I do not want to disturb him by lying next to him on the bed and I certainly do not want to go out and leave him here all alone when he’s so unstable and sad. I want to be there when he wakes up and I have a feeling he would want it, too. Besides, I take some kind of enjoyment in just staring at him, even if it is quite odd. His peacefully rising and falling chest, his slightly open mouth and the way his lips curl into a small smile in his sleep, it all gets me in some kind of trance.
He’s perfect in a way only a living creature can be, with all his problems and his great sorrow, with all the things that aren’t so perfect about him. They make him who he is and this makes me want him so much more. This makes me want to be there, next to him when he needs me. His sadness is beautiful for me in a twisted and complicated way. It makes him worth saving even more. And I’m willing to do it.
My memories from the beautiful deep pink and orange sunsets before storm are not completely forgotten, for I’m privileged to live (well, not really live) in an era of electronics that can imitate real life so well. Sunsets are even more fascinating in the movies and the colors are brighter. I would love to be able to watch the sundown before storm from the cliff, though. Probably with Gerard. God, do I miss him these days!
I told myself I will wait for him to come to me. A vampire can never make himself look desperate when feelings are involved so I am willing to wait as long as it takes, even though it may be a little harder than it usually is for us. Perhaps I will repeat myself, but he’s so much more than anything I’ve been close to. But I can feel it. He’s going to need me soon.
I snap out of my thoughts as a thunder hurts my over-sensitive ears and I drop the cigarette I’ve been holding. It has burned long ago in my hand, for I have forgotten I had it there in the first place. The stub rolls on my Persian carpet and I curse under my breath, taking the cigarette and throwing it in the ashtray that is already overflowing with cigarette stubs.
As I pick another cigarette with my teeth from the pack and light it up, my whole body tenses, feeling so much sadness, it is almost unbearably much, it almost gets me paralyzed. It is much more than usual and it is familiar, I know he is coming. I don’t have time to start worrying for him, though, for he’s already pounding at my door like crazy.
I leave my cigarette and go to answer it with the speed of light, literally, but I haven’t thought I would see him in this state. The boy in front of me, dressed in an amusingly bright shade of yellow type of clothing that is supposed to keep him dry when it is raining, is actually soaked in rain to the bone. He’s panting which leads me to the conclusion he’s been running. His black bangs that usually go in every direction, are now wet and glued to his ghostly pale face. There’s a little eyeliner smudged under his eyes, that by the way look strangely green today and his face looks drenched in rain, but I know better than that. He’s shaking and I can’t say if it because of the storm or it is simply thanks to the fact he’s crying quietly. Probably both. I stare at him for a few seconds that feel more like centuries lost in the sight of him, but then I quickly recover and finally speak.
“What happened to you, Gerard?”, I ask him in a voice, full of pure sympathy.
He then breaks down completely, falling into my hands and crying his eyes out. I slip my cold hands under his raincoat and wrap them securely around his waist, pulling him as close as possible and holding him tight while his fists grip my shirt and he shakes uncontrollably, crying into my neck. One of my arms goes to his hair and I run my fingers through the wet strands, pushing them away from his face. I let him sob into my shoulder for a good few minutes, trailing soothing circles on the small of his back, trying to calm him down. I feel so bad for him, what could possibly happen to make him feel like that. I don’t want him to be this sad.
Finally, his crying ceases a little and he’s able to speak.
“C-can we g-go inside?”, he whispers, still clutching the back of my shirt in his arms, like he needs me to live, his breathing still uneven.
“Sure”, I answer quietly and we go inside. We both sit on the coach and he just asks if he can explain later, to which I answer with a ‘sure’ once again. Then he starts sobbing again, and I can’t just sit there and do nothing for him, so I embrace him tightly again. As I sit there, holding him in my arms, I just wish I could rip out the sorrow he feels so he can be happy. Damn, I want him to be happy, cheerful, careless… I’ve never seen him like this, he’s never any less than sad. But today it’s so much worse, he’s so fucking hurt and I feel like I don’t even help him right now. It’s either his sadness or it’s my regret I can’t help him, that I feel. But it’s overwhelming and I swear my eyes start stinging a little, watering more than normal. Well, it may be just his hair that’s fallen in my eye, yes, it is most likely that, so I furiously blink back the wetness.
After some time, his desperate weeping stops and his breathing comes back to normal and after some more time, he’s asleep on my shoulder. I refuse to let him sleep on the coach, so I wrap my arms around him and take him to my bed, careful not to wake him up. He quickly gets comfortable in his sleep, clutching my pillow in his fists and burying his head in it. He pulls his legs upwards, sleeping in the fetal position. I pull a blanket over him to keep him warm. The corners of my mouth pull up as I watch him, finally peaceful, at least in his sleep. I sit on the armchair near the bed after I grab my pack of cigarettes and I light one. I turn to the window and open it slightly, just enough so the smoke can leave the room. I don’t want to suffocate him in his sleep, after all.
When my pack is finally empty, I close the window and turn around in the armchair. I watch him through the night, for I do not want to disturb him by lying next to him on the bed and I certainly do not want to go out and leave him here all alone when he’s so unstable and sad. I want to be there when he wakes up and I have a feeling he would want it, too. Besides, I take some kind of enjoyment in just staring at him, even if it is quite odd. His peacefully rising and falling chest, his slightly open mouth and the way his lips curl into a small smile in his sleep, it all gets me in some kind of trance.
He’s perfect in a way only a living creature can be, with all his problems and his great sorrow, with all the things that aren’t so perfect about him. They make him who he is and this makes me want him so much more. This makes me want to be there, next to him when he needs me. His sadness is beautiful for me in a twisted and complicated way. It makes him worth saving even more. And I’m willing to do it.
Notes
I’m sorry it took so long, but hey- two chapterssss!Vote, subscribe, comment- let me know if you enjoy this. c:
Love, zombie--
I just started reading this today and I just wanted to say that it's amazing. :)
9/7/14